A Leaf on the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Secrets"Autobiography of abuse
18 total reviews
Comment from Ouida
The father certainly has a problem with abusing his child verbally with all the scary scenarios he is portraying. You did a very good job describing that. And the Sister certainly did not help much with her physical abuse of pulling on Valerie's ear. Very nicely written.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2009
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The father certainly has a problem with abusing his child verbally with all the scary scenarios he is portraying. You did a very good job describing that. And the Sister certainly did not help much with her physical abuse of pulling on Valerie's ear. Very nicely written.
Comment Written 08-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2009
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Tank you. I appreciate you comments.
Comment from jodeecee
I think when referring to Mom or Dad it is capitalized when it's like a name. I gave my mom a kiss, or I gave Mom a kiss. There are some typos and then a couple suggestions.
Dressed in my uniform/,/ I sat at the kitchen table and ate my oatmeal as slowly as I could, as if that would stave off the inevitable - going to school.
I gave /M/om a quick kiss and ran for the door hoping to catch up with Teresa before she got too far ahead.
I usually caught up with her/,/ but a few times I had to walk all the way to school alone and unprotected.
I /quickly/ looked up the street then across the street towards the vacant lot. Which way had she gone?
earth where it is cold, dark/,/ and very scary.
belonged to the family /cut:family/ of rabbits we kept in the backyard in the chicken pen. (in the chicken pen, in the backyard (?)
Teresa crossed the street leaving me standing on the corner alone/,/ frozen with fear, /cut:unable to move/ as I watched her disappear around a bend.
Only a hundred feet from where I stood/,/ the Ruth School for Girls loomed ominously behind a huge iron fence backed by a high, thick hedge.
A long time ago /D/addy /cut:had/ told me that they sent little girls who didn't keep their secrets to the Ruth School.
"The girls who live there /cut: told secrets they promised to keep and: cut/ are being punished for not keeping their word," daddy had said ominously.
To make sure he had my attention, he let me know how horrible a place the Ruth School promised /to be/ for these bad little girls.
"Worst of all, no one is allowed to have visitors.
/"/If you tell anyone our secret you will never, ever see /M/ommy or Teresa again. They will not even know where you are. Once the door shuts behind you, you will disappear forever."
Addressing the class/,/ in a loud and /sarcastic/ voice, /Sister said./ "
Sister pointed to my desk and told me to sit down/,/ then without saying another word/,/
I did not keep my promise/,to/ never / / be late again. I
was not concerned about being punctual. All that mattered to me was making sure I kept /the/'my' promise/ / never to tell anyone my secret.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2009
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I think when referring to Mom or Dad it is capitalized when it's like a name. I gave my mom a kiss, or I gave Mom a kiss. There are some typos and then a couple suggestions.
Dressed in my uniform/,/ I sat at the kitchen table and ate my oatmeal as slowly as I could, as if that would stave off the inevitable - going to school.
I gave /M/om a quick kiss and ran for the door hoping to catch up with Teresa before she got too far ahead.
I usually caught up with her/,/ but a few times I had to walk all the way to school alone and unprotected.
I /quickly/ looked up the street then across the street towards the vacant lot. Which way had she gone?
earth where it is cold, dark/,/ and very scary.
belonged to the family /cut:family/ of rabbits we kept in the backyard in the chicken pen. (in the chicken pen, in the backyard (?)
Teresa crossed the street leaving me standing on the corner alone/,/ frozen with fear, /cut:unable to move/ as I watched her disappear around a bend.
Only a hundred feet from where I stood/,/ the Ruth School for Girls loomed ominously behind a huge iron fence backed by a high, thick hedge.
A long time ago /D/addy /cut:had/ told me that they sent little girls who didn't keep their secrets to the Ruth School.
"The girls who live there /cut: told secrets they promised to keep and: cut/ are being punished for not keeping their word," daddy had said ominously.
To make sure he had my attention, he let me know how horrible a place the Ruth School promised /to be/ for these bad little girls.
"Worst of all, no one is allowed to have visitors.
/"/If you tell anyone our secret you will never, ever see /M/ommy or Teresa again. They will not even know where you are. Once the door shuts behind you, you will disappear forever."
Addressing the class/,/ in a loud and /sarcastic/ voice, /Sister said./ "
Sister pointed to my desk and told me to sit down/,/ then without saying another word/,/
I did not keep my promise/,to/ never / / be late again. I
was not concerned about being punctual. All that mattered to me was making sure I kept /the/'my' promise/ / never to tell anyone my secret.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2009
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Thanks. I really appreciate the time you took to provide a detailed list of corrections. Again, thanks.
Comment from DecrepitOldBag
Again, this is a very vivid account; however, it is not of the same quality as the rest that I have read and reviewed. I already hate these nuns! How terrible it must have been to have to go there every day passing the other, scary place. I am so glad you survived to tell this tale.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2009
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Again, this is a very vivid account; however, it is not of the same quality as the rest that I have read and reviewed. I already hate these nuns! How terrible it must have been to have to go there every day passing the other, scary place. I am so glad you survived to tell this tale.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2009
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Thank you, I appreciat you coments and opinons.
Comment from Stuart7
family family of rabbits ,,,,,,,,, you repeat family twice
another well written chapter my hear is going
out to valarie, she has so many hidden difficulties
and is going to find life very difficult i wuld
imagine. i look forward to reading more
Regards Stuart.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2009
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family family of rabbits ,,,,,,,,, you repeat family twice
another well written chapter my hear is going
out to valarie, she has so many hidden difficulties
and is going to find life very difficult i wuld
imagine. i look forward to reading more
Regards Stuart.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2009
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Thank you. Yes, life does begome very difficult for Valerie.
Comment from Firefly54
A nice easy progression from the first chapter. You are giving us an insight into the characters here. I'm sure the SPAG has already been brought to your attention, not that there was much there. The question of passive text is a difficult one, because it tends to lift the character, when you are writing for a character who is, as you say, withdrawn and depressed. Perhaps its something to consider more in later chapters. Well done.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2009
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A nice easy progression from the first chapter. You are giving us an insight into the characters here. I'm sure the SPAG has already been brought to your attention, not that there was much there. The question of passive text is a difficult one, because it tends to lift the character, when you are writing for a character who is, as you say, withdrawn and depressed. Perhaps its something to consider more in later chapters. Well done.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2009
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Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your kind words. I must admit ignorance and say I do not know what SPAG is...possibly spelling and grammar? Yes, using too much passive is a concern I need to address.
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SPAG - spelling, punctuation and grammar. Dont worry - it took me ages to discover. Also know affectionately as spaggies or nits
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SPAG - spelling, punctuation and grammar. Dont worry - it took me ages to discover. Also know affectionately as spaggies or nits
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
A good chapter - the story moving along,
but in need of editing.
I pulled my blanket up over my head and closed my eyes and tried to go back to sleep
You don?t need two ?and? in the one sentence. You might consider losing one.
I pulled my blanket up over my head, closed my eyes and tried?..
saing that was the best way to keep their number manageabe. - 2 typos - saying.... manageable
near the(space)building.
promtly - promptly
sarastic - sarcastic
Regards,
Margaret.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2009
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A good chapter - the story moving along,
but in need of editing.
I pulled my blanket up over my head and closed my eyes and tried to go back to sleep
You don?t need two ?and? in the one sentence. You might consider losing one.
I pulled my blanket up over my head, closed my eyes and tried?..
saing that was the best way to keep their number manageabe. - 2 typos - saying.... manageable
near the(space)building.
promtly - promptly
sarastic - sarcastic
Regards,
Margaret.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2009
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Thank you. Your suggestions are helpful and I will incorporate them into my work. Again, thank you.
Comment from TheDon
I think you've captured the character of the little girl quite well. In this case, I think the use of simple sentence structures really evokes the innocence of the child. This includes the use of the passive. For example, I would not change this passage from the first paragraph because I think removing the passive will make Valerie sound like a different person than you intend:
Original Text: I knew Teresa was already up, dressed, and eating her breakfast. She was so predictable. Teresa was smart. She liked school. I did not. I had waited eagerly for a long time to start school, but now that I was finally in the first grade, I dreaded the coming of each day.
For the most part, though, if you can get away from the passive - and still keep in character - that might be something you'd want to consider. Here are a few examples:
Original Text: The clanging in the kitchen stopped, signaling it was time for me to get up.
Suggested Revision: The clanging in the kitchen stopped, providing the signal for me to get up. (removed the passive)
Original: Teresa was leaving without me again.
Suggested: Teresa started to leave without me again.
Original: Daddy added to the horror by saying the terrible creatures in the hole were part of the family of rabbits we kept in the backyard in the chicken pen. He said sometimes when there were too many babies he would toss them into the hole saing that was the best way to keep their number manageabe.
Suggested: Daddy added to the horror by saying the terrible creatures in the hole belonged to the family of rabbits we kept in the backyard in the chicken pen. He said sometimes when the rabbits had too many babies, he would toss them into the hole saying that was the best way to keep their number manageable. (remove some of the passive and corrected spelling)
Original: Whenever I walked along the path, I was always careful to give the hole a very wide berth.
Suggested: Whenever I walked along the path, I always made sure to carefully give the hole a very wide berth. (Removed the passive)
Original: My heart was beating so loudly I could hardly hear myself think.
Suggested: My heart beat so loudly I could hardly hear myself think. (removed the passive)
Original: A long time ago daddy had told me that the Ruth School was where little girls who didn't keep their secrets were sent.
Suggested: A long time ago daddy had told me they sent little girls who didn't keep their secrets to the Ruth School. (removed the passive)
Original: To be sure he had my attention he also said the Ruth School was a horrible place where the girls slept in a large room with a single candle for light.
Suggested: To make sure he had my attention, he let me know just how horrible a place the Ruth School promised for these bad little girls. The school made them sleep in a large room with a single candle for light. (removed the passive - with extreme difficult in trying to stay in character)
I hope this helps and good luck.
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reply by the author on 03-Feb-2009
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I think you've captured the character of the little girl quite well. In this case, I think the use of simple sentence structures really evokes the innocence of the child. This includes the use of the passive. For example, I would not change this passage from the first paragraph because I think removing the passive will make Valerie sound like a different person than you intend:
Original Text: I knew Teresa was already up, dressed, and eating her breakfast. She was so predictable. Teresa was smart. She liked school. I did not. I had waited eagerly for a long time to start school, but now that I was finally in the first grade, I dreaded the coming of each day.
For the most part, though, if you can get away from the passive - and still keep in character - that might be something you'd want to consider. Here are a few examples:
Original Text: The clanging in the kitchen stopped, signaling it was time for me to get up.
Suggested Revision: The clanging in the kitchen stopped, providing the signal for me to get up. (removed the passive)
Original: Teresa was leaving without me again.
Suggested: Teresa started to leave without me again.
Original: Daddy added to the horror by saying the terrible creatures in the hole were part of the family of rabbits we kept in the backyard in the chicken pen. He said sometimes when there were too many babies he would toss them into the hole saing that was the best way to keep their number manageabe.
Suggested: Daddy added to the horror by saying the terrible creatures in the hole belonged to the family of rabbits we kept in the backyard in the chicken pen. He said sometimes when the rabbits had too many babies, he would toss them into the hole saying that was the best way to keep their number manageable. (remove some of the passive and corrected spelling)
Original: Whenever I walked along the path, I was always careful to give the hole a very wide berth.
Suggested: Whenever I walked along the path, I always made sure to carefully give the hole a very wide berth. (Removed the passive)
Original: My heart was beating so loudly I could hardly hear myself think.
Suggested: My heart beat so loudly I could hardly hear myself think. (removed the passive)
Original: A long time ago daddy had told me that the Ruth School was where little girls who didn't keep their secrets were sent.
Suggested: A long time ago daddy had told me they sent little girls who didn't keep their secrets to the Ruth School. (removed the passive)
Original: To be sure he had my attention he also said the Ruth School was a horrible place where the girls slept in a large room with a single candle for light.
Suggested: To make sure he had my attention, he let me know just how horrible a place the Ruth School promised for these bad little girls. The school made them sleep in a large room with a single candle for light. (removed the passive - with extreme difficult in trying to stay in character)
I hope this helps and good luck.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2009
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Thank you for your comments. I really appreciate your suggestions and agree it is best to avoid too much passive in my narrative. I also appreciate the time you took to offer suggestions by example. Again, thank you.
Comment from laurelp
The father was a real loser. Nice going so far. The child is full of doubts and fears. She is a sympathetic character. The sister, is just typical of older siblings. What can you do?
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reply by the author on 03-Feb-2009
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The father was a real loser. Nice going so far. The child is full of doubts and fears. She is a sympathetic character. The sister, is just typical of older siblings. What can you do?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2009
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Thank you. I value your comments and appreciate your seeing Valerie as a sympathetic character.
