The Listener
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Breakfast at Marco's"Telepathy makes business trust easy. Or should.
4 total reviews
Comment from badaner
Great story; your imagination must be in overdrive.
Laura closed the connection and smiled. At least the day held some prospect of a little bread-and-butter work. Ted Parkinson was a low-market private investigator, but he was decent enough. He knew when no meant no, and he didn't act awkwardly in a Listener's presence. She'd done a little work for him in the past, all at minimum Guild rates. He paid promptly, he didn't make telepath jokes and he kept his hands to himself. What more could you ask for in a business relationship?
I love it; short, snappy sentences to describe Ted's character, and well paced, punchy dialogue when they do meet.
Now a few nit picking quibbles--I couldn't find anything major, it really is an excellent chapter.
I'll read another one tomorrow.
Laura walked to the 'port commerce centre'
Shouldn't that be capitalised?
He stood and waved to her as she walked 'into' the pavement area outside Marco's
I think it should be 'onto'
Listeners' ability to read body language tended to atrophy, especially if their talent was recognised early
Should this be 'A' Listeners ability ...
Thanks for a great read.
badaner
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2009
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Great story; your imagination must be in overdrive.
Laura closed the connection and smiled. At least the day held some prospect of a little bread-and-butter work. Ted Parkinson was a low-market private investigator, but he was decent enough. He knew when no meant no, and he didn't act awkwardly in a Listener's presence. She'd done a little work for him in the past, all at minimum Guild rates. He paid promptly, he didn't make telepath jokes and he kept his hands to himself. What more could you ask for in a business relationship?
I love it; short, snappy sentences to describe Ted's character, and well paced, punchy dialogue when they do meet.
Now a few nit picking quibbles--I couldn't find anything major, it really is an excellent chapter.
I'll read another one tomorrow.
Laura walked to the 'port commerce centre'
Shouldn't that be capitalised?
He stood and waved to her as she walked 'into' the pavement area outside Marco's
I think it should be 'onto'
Listeners' ability to read body language tended to atrophy, especially if their talent was recognised early
Should this be 'A' Listeners ability ...
Thanks for a great read.
badaner
Comment Written 03-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2009
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Thanks for your review. I'm glad you liked it enough to want to read more.
Comment from TerryRodgers
I think you have great potential. The problems I have may only be from my point of view, but here they are.
I do not see enough description. I have to guess everything. I don't know what the people look like or the background settings.
You have plenty of dialogue, but that's all it is. There's no feeling in the dialogue because most of the sentences are in quotes. Shake it up some be having the characters talk in certain ways. I can see she doesn't really like Ted, so tell me that in describing her feeling with the dialogue.
Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2009
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I think you have great potential. The problems I have may only be from my point of view, but here they are.
I do not see enough description. I have to guess everything. I don't know what the people look like or the background settings.
You have plenty of dialogue, but that's all it is. There's no feeling in the dialogue because most of the sentences are in quotes. Shake it up some be having the characters talk in certain ways. I can see she doesn't really like Ted, so tell me that in describing her feeling with the dialogue.
Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2009
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Thanks for your review. Sorry it didn't work for you.
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Don't get me wrong through I think it's a great start. Just spice it up some.
Comment from laurelp
Interesting premise. I will keep a look out for the next chapter. Good dialogue with enough description to keep the interest going. Very good.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2009
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Interesting premise. I will keep a look out for the next chapter. Good dialogue with enough description to keep the interest going. Very good.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2009
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Thank you. I'm glad you found it interesting
Comment from adewpearl
type on Breakfast in title
licensed and regulated human lie detectors - what a fascinating concept - where do you come up with this stuff?
sounds like a great new book to me! Of course, I'm already curious why they're auditing her and the serial killer waiting in the wings should be fun too
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2009
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type on Breakfast in title
licensed and regulated human lie detectors - what a fascinating concept - where do you come up with this stuff?
sounds like a great new book to me! Of course, I'm already curious why they're auditing her and the serial killer waiting in the wings should be fun too
Comment Written 25-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2009
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Audits are routine, but of course, they may have ulterior motives. If in fact they really are from the Guild. And it realy is a serial killer. And she is who she is. And stuff like that.
Wait. You think serial killers are fun? OK you scare me sometimes.
I spotted the typo just as I saw your review. Thanks for that.
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I think they're fun in movies and stories - I loved Silence of the Lambs - I don't actually think they're fun as real people going around hurting other real people.
I hope that clarifies my position and allays your fears. LOL
