Blood Relations - A Vampire Tale
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Near Death"Some bloodlines run very deep.
20 total reviews
Comment from rusla
Excellent and very different, a scintillating tale, a very different vampire story, For a bit it seemed you might be falling into the "talking heads syndrome' but it was all fine.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2012
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Excellent and very different, a scintillating tale, a very different vampire story, For a bit it seemed you might be falling into the "talking heads syndrome' but it was all fine.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2012
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Thank you again so much for such a wonderful review!
Steve
Comment from RebelRose
I thought for a minute there that I spoke too soon about Lori saving her from a bad relationship, when I thought that Stan had killed her. Good chapter.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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I thought for a minute there that I spoke too soon about Lori saving her from a bad relationship, when I thought that Stan had killed her. Good chapter.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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Thank you so much!
Comment from Sasha
Great chapter. Tension and full of important information. As always I have a few suggestions (remember they are just suggestions)...
In the middle of so much tension I find it unlikely she would pause long enough to say this...Oh, this feels so good," Lori said as she kneeled down in the tub.
Why does he freeze up like this?" ...You might consider presenting this information in the form of a reflection by Lori...rather than in a dialogue with the doctor.
Not a good introduction...just saying, "How did you meet Stan is sufficient"...you can add as Lori closed her eyes to allow the warmth to penetrate her skin, she asked....
"That's an odd thing to study isn't it? I mean, why study blood?" ...again, too casual. This is a tense situation. The conversation is fine but you need to lessen up on the "casual" style...try something like...trying to keep her mind free from worry over Stan, she asked....or trying to occupy her mind with thoughts other than her fear of loosing Stan, she asked....
Again, this is a great story and my suggestion are primarily on the dialogue and possibly offering a little too much description when not necessary. Still, a good chapter. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2009
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Great chapter. Tension and full of important information. As always I have a few suggestions (remember they are just suggestions)...
In the middle of so much tension I find it unlikely she would pause long enough to say this...Oh, this feels so good," Lori said as she kneeled down in the tub.
Why does he freeze up like this?" ...You might consider presenting this information in the form of a reflection by Lori...rather than in a dialogue with the doctor.
Not a good introduction...just saying, "How did you meet Stan is sufficient"...you can add as Lori closed her eyes to allow the warmth to penetrate her skin, she asked....
"That's an odd thing to study isn't it? I mean, why study blood?" ...again, too casual. This is a tense situation. The conversation is fine but you need to lessen up on the "casual" style...try something like...trying to keep her mind free from worry over Stan, she asked....or trying to occupy her mind with thoughts other than her fear of loosing Stan, she asked....
Again, this is a great story and my suggestion are primarily on the dialogue and possibly offering a little too much description when not necessary. Still, a good chapter. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2009
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Thank you again so much, Smurphgirl for reading and your always helpful suggestions and comments. I like what you say, just need to think about how to make those changes. I actually love these suggestions. Thanks again!
Comment from findingmyroom
There's a lot of action in this chapter. You might think about breaking it into two parts, the first focusing on the actions to help Stan, and the next dealing with Brook's recovery...? I liked the pace, but the chit-chat between Linda and Lori while they're handling this crisis seems a tad out of place. Overall, it's a very good chapter with a lot of background stuff built-in, just needing some fine-tuning.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2009
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There's a lot of action in this chapter. You might think about breaking it into two parts, the first focusing on the actions to help Stan, and the next dealing with Brook's recovery...? I liked the pace, but the chit-chat between Linda and Lori while they're handling this crisis seems a tad out of place. Overall, it's a very good chapter with a lot of background stuff built-in, just needing some fine-tuning.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2009
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Thank you so much for this wonderful review. I'll take a look at Chapter 3 and see what I can do. Thanks again!
Steve
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Ok, ok, so I'm slow catching up. I'll get there eventually, enjoying the read along the way.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Okay Nightwriter,
You have me really intriqued I will try and read a chapter a day
Of you amazing story about love and vampires. Usually I don't like these types of stories
You got my interest
Gert
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2009
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Okay Nightwriter,
You have me really intriqued I will try and read a chapter a day
Of you amazing story about love and vampires. Usually I don't like these types of stories
You got my interest
Gert
Comment Written 11-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2009
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Thank you Gert! The kind of vampires I write about are more like heros, but they can show their mean side when provoked, LOL. Thanks again!
Steve
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You are welcome Steve
Gert
Comment from Vladilynn
ok! what that idiot wants now!!! loll
wow!! again...so nicely picture a romantic vampire love story!! you're so good!!!
i really loved and had enjoyed all he chapters!! pretty much...satisfying!!! loll
and i want more!! hopefully you can get more readers!!!!! wish ou all he luck!!!!
love much
Lynn ( ^ ___________ ^ )
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2009
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ok! what that idiot wants now!!! loll
wow!! again...so nicely picture a romantic vampire love story!! you're so good!!!
i really loved and had enjoyed all he chapters!! pretty much...satisfying!!! loll
and i want more!! hopefully you can get more readers!!!!! wish ou all he luck!!!!
love much
Lynn ( ^ ___________ ^ )
Comment Written 31-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2009
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Thank you so much Lynn!!!
Comment from Tellis
A great chapter in a really great story. I am eagerly awaiting the next one. This is very well written and I I had a six star left right now I would give it too you.
Tellis
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2009
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A great chapter in a really great story. I am eagerly awaiting the next one. This is very well written and I I had a six star left right now I would give it too you.
Tellis
Comment Written 24-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2009
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Thank you so much Tellis! I am currently writng the next chapter and hope you'll like it as well.
NW
Comment from utopian_dream_x
This is great! I love this type of story. There is a lot going on in it, which makes the reader want to read more. Lots of action and dialogue. I enjoyed the read very much. Lovely artwork!
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2009
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This is great! I love this type of story. There is a lot going on in it, which makes the reader want to read more. Lots of action and dialogue. I enjoyed the read very much. Lovely artwork!
Comment Written 23-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2009
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Thank you so much for reading and your wonderful review! :) I'm glad you enjoyed this. More is on the way.
Comment from babylonia
there's a lot of great stuff in this chapter. sorry it took so long to read. been very busy. easy to read and follow. i did see some spaggies and some questions.
"This is Lori in the penthouse. Is Doctor Schafer in?
seems to be something missing in between these two sentences.
"Send her up right away and tell her to hurry."
Lori lay down and covered Stan with her warm flesh, (she needs to undress first. LOL)
Still lying on top (comma here) Linda asked, "Stan, are you okay?"
Lori walked over to Linda and handed her a glass of the Wishes cocktail. "Here, drink this. You'll feel better." (okay, so they have a frig in their bedroom with wishes drink? splain, please. :P)
"I'm Stan, Lori's boy friend." (boyfriend is one word.)
another question i have is about brook. was she naked or dressed in the hot tub? how about when they brought her back to her room? if she was dressed while in the tub, they would need to change her clothes for her to believe that she was having nightmares. but we will see.
keep up the good work~
love,
barbara
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2009
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there's a lot of great stuff in this chapter. sorry it took so long to read. been very busy. easy to read and follow. i did see some spaggies and some questions.
"This is Lori in the penthouse. Is Doctor Schafer in?
seems to be something missing in between these two sentences.
"Send her up right away and tell her to hurry."
Lori lay down and covered Stan with her warm flesh, (she needs to undress first. LOL)
Still lying on top (comma here) Linda asked, "Stan, are you okay?"
Lori walked over to Linda and handed her a glass of the Wishes cocktail. "Here, drink this. You'll feel better." (okay, so they have a frig in their bedroom with wishes drink? splain, please. :P)
"I'm Stan, Lori's boy friend." (boyfriend is one word.)
another question i have is about brook. was she naked or dressed in the hot tub? how about when they brought her back to her room? if she was dressed while in the tub, they would need to change her clothes for her to believe that she was having nightmares. but we will see.
keep up the good work~
love,
barbara
Comment Written 19-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review and suggestions Barbara. I love answering these questions because it takes me back to the story.
Lori was undressed before laying down. Linda asked her to undress and Lori asked why, but maybe it wasn't clear.
I may have to make it more clear on Lori walking out to get that cocktail.
Remember, Lori and Stan undressed Brook before placing her in the tub? Stan carried her to her room after she started showing color in her face. After Stan woke her in the bedroom, I don't show her getting dressed though. Maybe I wasn't clear. I'll take a look.
Thanks again!
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LOL i just know if i woke up naked with my cousin's boyfriend standing over me, i'd be worried. i just figured if it wasn't clear to me, it probably isn't clear to others.
thanks for listening.
love,
barbara
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Good point! I somehow missed that, LOL.
Comment from Jonez08
Great chapter Steve, lots of action and dialog. I love the ending, anything with Jason is never a pretty picture, I look forward to the next chapter, great writing improvement as well, beautiful artwork.
Stan softly kissed her cheek and watched, hoping to see signs of improvement. Within seconds, (Stan) began feeling weak and dizzy.
(since you used 'Stand' several times in this paragraph, I suggest making this one 'he')
You are as delicious as always my dear. Thank you for coming
(lol..too funny, he says this so casual.. I couldn't stop laughing)
Cassandra
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2009
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Great chapter Steve, lots of action and dialog. I love the ending, anything with Jason is never a pretty picture, I look forward to the next chapter, great writing improvement as well, beautiful artwork.
Stan softly kissed her cheek and watched, hoping to see signs of improvement. Within seconds, (Stan) began feeling weak and dizzy.
(since you used 'Stand' several times in this paragraph, I suggest making this one 'he')
You are as delicious as always my dear. Thank you for coming
(lol..too funny, he says this so casual.. I couldn't stop laughing)
Cassandra
Comment Written 19-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2009
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Thank you for your wonderful review and suggestions Cassandra. Thanks also for the compliments. Using the active voice really helps make the story come alive. This improvement is a direct result from your help. :)
Currently working on more surprises for chapter 4.
Thanks again.
Steve
