Blood Relations - A Vampire Tale
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Is This Heaven?"Some bloodlines run very deep.
18 total reviews
Comment from rusla
Magnificent, I would love to be at a place like that. You have done an awesome job with this story. I am riveted to this...god work!
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2012
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Magnificent, I would love to be at a place like that. You have done an awesome job with this story. I am riveted to this...god work!
Comment Written 11-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2012
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Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Yes, the Wishes Resort is a fantasy come true for many. :)
Comment from RebelRose
This is a good chapter also. I am glad Lori got Brook out of that abusive relationship. This chapter flows very well and I enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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This is a good chapter also. I am glad Lori got Brook out of that abusive relationship. This chapter flows very well and I enjoyed it.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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I'm glad the magic here captured you! Thank you for your wonderful review. :)
Comment from Sasha
This is another great chapter. You have presented a lot of information and built up a beautiful environment for the characters. Your dialogue still needs a little work but not to worry. I have put a few suggestions below. My primary focus is on the length. As I have said this is an excellent story, good chapter but you would do well to whittle it down a bit. Some of the casual banter in the dialogue is not needed. I realize you are trying to create a comfortable atmosphere but "hi, hello, how are you" dialogue is not always necessary. You don't need the buckle up, up up and away banter. Your writing is strong enough you can get right to the core of the story. You can describe the beauty of the resort with much less unnecessary and lengthy descriptions and still provide the reader with a strong, vivid image. The most important aspects to convey in this chapter are Brook's relief to be away from her horrid boyfriend, the love and compassion of Lori for her friend, the stark difference in each character's lifestyle and the introduction of Stan....a great cliffhanger ending, by the way. I hope I am not driving you crazy but I find your story very interesting and sincerely believe that with a little work it can be a "great" story. Below are a few examples of what I am referring to above.
"Thanks. Oh, that feels good. What's in the drink?" ... when writing dialogue you often need to add qualifiers. Example...Brook leaned back, allowing the cold ice to settle into her still throbbing nose and said....not necessarily those words but a little clarification adds to the flow. Again, a little too much unnecesary dialogue.
Not bad, it tastes kind of tropical...you can remove "kind of"...Using "kind of" can be a trap when trying to convey "casual" conversation. Often, but not always, it is best to not use it.
"Sure, that sounds great." ... Again a clarifier would work well here. Something like... Suddenly realizing she hadn't eaten in quite some time, Brook nodded and said, "That, sounds great." You can leave out "Sure..." Pointing to the lazy river out back, Lori said, "Let's sit out on the deck overlooking the waterfall and lazy river. " You need to remove one of the "lazy"...you don't need it twice. Actually you can completely leave out the entire walk on the beach. You can describe the resort from the table while they are eating. I'll stop now before you hit me! I hope my not necessarily needed suggestions help a little.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2009
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This is another great chapter. You have presented a lot of information and built up a beautiful environment for the characters. Your dialogue still needs a little work but not to worry. I have put a few suggestions below. My primary focus is on the length. As I have said this is an excellent story, good chapter but you would do well to whittle it down a bit. Some of the casual banter in the dialogue is not needed. I realize you are trying to create a comfortable atmosphere but "hi, hello, how are you" dialogue is not always necessary. You don't need the buckle up, up up and away banter. Your writing is strong enough you can get right to the core of the story. You can describe the beauty of the resort with much less unnecessary and lengthy descriptions and still provide the reader with a strong, vivid image. The most important aspects to convey in this chapter are Brook's relief to be away from her horrid boyfriend, the love and compassion of Lori for her friend, the stark difference in each character's lifestyle and the introduction of Stan....a great cliffhanger ending, by the way. I hope I am not driving you crazy but I find your story very interesting and sincerely believe that with a little work it can be a "great" story. Below are a few examples of what I am referring to above.
"Thanks. Oh, that feels good. What's in the drink?" ... when writing dialogue you often need to add qualifiers. Example...Brook leaned back, allowing the cold ice to settle into her still throbbing nose and said....not necessarily those words but a little clarification adds to the flow. Again, a little too much unnecesary dialogue.
Not bad, it tastes kind of tropical...you can remove "kind of"...Using "kind of" can be a trap when trying to convey "casual" conversation. Often, but not always, it is best to not use it.
"Sure, that sounds great." ... Again a clarifier would work well here. Something like... Suddenly realizing she hadn't eaten in quite some time, Brook nodded and said, "That, sounds great." You can leave out "Sure..." Pointing to the lazy river out back, Lori said, "Let's sit out on the deck overlooking the waterfall and lazy river. " You need to remove one of the "lazy"...you don't need it twice. Actually you can completely leave out the entire walk on the beach. You can describe the resort from the table while they are eating. I'll stop now before you hit me! I hope my not necessarily needed suggestions help a little.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2009
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Thank you so much for your support and help, Smurphgirl! My writing improves as we go forward. I've been learning a little more with each successive chapter. I want this to be great, not just for me, but for the story and the reader. A goal of mine is to turn this into a screenplay and send it to Hollywood. Competiton is tough (an understatement) whether stories are in the form of books, screenplays or movies, LOL. I will take your helpful suggestions into account and make the changes to improve this chapter. These are also good examples to help me going forward. Thank you so much, I appreciate your welcome help. :)
Steve
Comment from findingmyroom
Oh, what a terrible mistake Stan makes... What will be harder to fix, the trust with Lori, or the health issues with Brook. I'll read the next one and find out.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2009
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Oh, what a terrible mistake Stan makes... What will be harder to fix, the trust with Lori, or the health issues with Brook. I'll read the next one and find out.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2009
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Thank you so much for your review. You're right, it's a terrible mistake, LOL. Luckily for the sake of the story, it keeps getting more and more interesting -- or at least that's the hope!
Thanks again!
Comment from nightraine1956
Good continuation of the story. Getting more interesting. Good surprise of event with Stan jumping on Brook. Was not expecting that. Will continue on.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2009
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Good continuation of the story. Getting more interesting. Good surprise of event with Stan jumping on Brook. Was not expecting that. Will continue on.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2009
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Thank you nightraine! :)
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello NightWriter
Good chapter I had a gut feeling that Brook was being treated so well there was some sort of plot that was going to be the climax in your chapter
And let me say a very shocking and a very vivid scene in the closure of this chapter.
You have an excellent way to give very clear details that have a way that stayed within my thoughts.
Will read next chapter soon as I can.
Gert
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2009
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Hello NightWriter
Good chapter I had a gut feeling that Brook was being treated so well there was some sort of plot that was going to be the climax in your chapter
And let me say a very shocking and a very vivid scene in the closure of this chapter.
You have an excellent way to give very clear details that have a way that stayed within my thoughts.
Will read next chapter soon as I can.
Gert
Comment Written 02-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review Gert. I am always challenging myself on how to write more decriptively. :)
Comment from Jnetgame
This is a great chapter. Okay, I'll admit, I got interested in your vampire tales after reading about the teddy bear. Very realistic dialogue. Keep up the great work.
Jenny
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2009
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This is a great chapter. Okay, I'll admit, I got interested in your vampire tales after reading about the teddy bear. Very realistic dialogue. Keep up the great work.
Jenny
Comment Written 11-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2009
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Thank you so much for your interest and wonderful review! :) My spin on vampire stories is hopefully a little different than the Bram Stoker or Twilight varieties. :)
Comment from Vladilynn
Dannngggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!! woweeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
you!!! really make me scream!!!!!!!!!!
well written I can say wow!!!! perfectly took my attention! i wish i could write like you!! Hmp! loll
one funny word i saw...when the cat barked!! i laughed! loll I thought cat moaned! loll ok..maybe I'm wrong..well i don't have cat in my own(have allergy)...maybe it's been a while to see a cat and it barks now! loll...well what can i say..you're the writer not me!! ;p
i saw one more...mmmm..I can't find it now!! this is too long .......thank you for sharing
love much
Lynn ( ^ __________ ^ )
enjoyed well
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2009
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Dannngggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!! woweeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
you!!! really make me scream!!!!!!!!!!
well written I can say wow!!!! perfectly took my attention! i wish i could write like you!! Hmp! loll
one funny word i saw...when the cat barked!! i laughed! loll I thought cat moaned! loll ok..maybe I'm wrong..well i don't have cat in my own(have allergy)...maybe it's been a while to see a cat and it barks now! loll...well what can i say..you're the writer not me!! ;p
i saw one more...mmmm..I can't find it now!! this is too long .......thank you for sharing
love much
Lynn ( ^ __________ ^ )
enjoyed well
Comment Written 31-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2009
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Thank you for your wonderful review Lynn!!!
Comment from MercyWrites
Good read. I like the description of the plane. I could picture it. I also enjoy the way this chapter started out the girls having a good time, then it get dark with Stan mistaking Brook. Nice ending it left me wanting more.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2009
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Good read. I like the description of the plane. I could picture it. I also enjoy the way this chapter started out the girls having a good time, then it get dark with Stan mistaking Brook. Nice ending it left me wanting more.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2009
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Thank you so much for reading and your encouraging review MercyWrites! It's like a rollercoaster with peaks and valleys. :)
Comment from angel of the quill
omg is there more? sorry i got lost in it I used to live in Daytona so I understand its magic it was like visiting home.
great work I cant wait to read the rest
you had me entranced.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2009
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omg is there more? sorry i got lost in it I used to live in Daytona so I understand its magic it was like visiting home.
great work I cant wait to read the rest
you had me entranced.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2009
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Thank you so much! Chapter three promises to be every bit as wild as two. Brook could actually die in chapter two, something I totally didn't plan, but the story just keeps evolving on its own. Here's a peek ... Chapter three starts out with Stan completely taken off guard by Lori walking in. Lori storms out and Stan follows to apologize and try and explain how Brook looked like Lori. But Stan is weak having just fed and might pass out at any moment. In the meantime, poor Brook is bleeding to death because he hasn't healed her wounds yet. --- That's how the story is developing, but I don't want to lose Brook! :)
Thanks again!
NW
