Blood Relations - A Vampire Tale
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Run!"Some bloodlines run very deep.
23 total reviews
Comment from jlsavell
Nightwriter, ummmmmm you have me a little curious...what is up your sleeve..The chapter held my attention throughout.
Listen I am the farthest thing from A NOVEL WRITER, but I was wondering if you reversed the story line by starting at the airport with Lori...and then leading into her decision to leave and why..going through what happened...characterizing Brooke as she reflects on Jason..
well either way..this is good and it certainly has captured my attention...cannot wait to see what you do..jimi
you got it..sultry, salcious, seductive, wicked, enticing, high voltage, electrifying,charged, erotic, sensual, spicey, steaming, tempting, shameless, sinful,agonizing, [contemptable..lol]fevered, fiery, intense, spellbinding, a black widower..heheheheh..........that is Fata talking..not me....
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2008
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Nightwriter, ummmmmm you have me a little curious...what is up your sleeve..The chapter held my attention throughout.
Listen I am the farthest thing from A NOVEL WRITER, but I was wondering if you reversed the story line by starting at the airport with Lori...and then leading into her decision to leave and why..going through what happened...characterizing Brooke as she reflects on Jason..
well either way..this is good and it certainly has captured my attention...cannot wait to see what you do..jimi
you got it..sultry, salcious, seductive, wicked, enticing, high voltage, electrifying,charged, erotic, sensual, spicey, steaming, tempting, shameless, sinful,agonizing, [contemptable..lol]fevered, fiery, intense, spellbinding, a black widower..heheheheh..........that is Fata talking..not me....
Comment Written 21-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2008
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Thanks again Jimi! I would love to switch things around, but in my head I can't make it work any other way. This is probably one of the darkest chapters I ever wrote, but I wanted to drawn a comparison to Brook's life with Jason and what's coming ahead. Plus, Jason will be the story's main antagonist. You may not know it yet, but this is the beginign of an epic vampire story, LOL.
I wrote several chapters of it years ago, but need to really tweak and clean it up. It might need an infusion too.
Thanks for reading and your review. Chapter two will be out in probably a week or less.
NW
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well I cannot wait..you know that....this chapter was very good and I understand..how you sit and wrestle with suggestions..at the end of the day it is your work and you have to go with your gut feeling and your inner rythymn...it is usually right...You are the best.......jimi.
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Thank you so much! :)
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You know, when I first wrote this chapter, there were actually two versons. The other version was a bit hotter, but because of the different points of view, I stayed with Brook. Switching points of view can be challenging.
In the other version, it started out with Brook having her fight and being abused and calling Lori. Then it switched to Lori's point of view, in bed making love with her vampire, and her getting bit as the phone rang. Stephen then telling her to let the phone ring, but her saying this was her private number and she needed to take the call. Then Lori asking to use the jet to see her cousin and telling Stephen some background on Brook.
What do you think? Do you think the story would be better with a sex scene in the first chapter (sex sells!)? It would give away Stephen as a vampire, but could add some suspense.
What would Fata think?
Thanks!
NW
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Well, I did it! After a lot of thinking I inserted a new section in chapter one that includes a vampire and sex scene. This was the original chapter I wrote, so I thought I'd throw it back in there. The points of view get me in trouble a lot, but hopefully I pulled it off. The new section starts when Brook calls Lori on the phone.
Hopefully it's hotter and more captivating.
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well I will go back and read....heheheheehe you know what Fata will do...she is pretty fearless and wicked..
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I know, that's one of the things I admire most about Fata!
NW
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well I must post again!!!!!!!!! ....HEHEHEHEHE
She is a seductive little devil, isn't she?????
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did you get my updated review..??????
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Thank for telling me. I didn't see it. Thank you so much! She is, but you know for everything, there is a reason. Thanks again! :)
Comment from angel of the quill
I hope there is more
i want to see if she gets away from that jerk
permantly
and does he chase her
or does he have a clue that she is gone yet
omg the questions are pouring in
great work again dear author
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reply by the author on 21-Dec-2008
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I hope there is more
i want to see if she gets away from that jerk
permantly
and does he chase her
or does he have a clue that she is gone yet
omg the questions are pouring in
great work again dear author
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2008
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Thank you so much! Yes, all your questions are good ones. Jason is my first real antangonist. He'll be around for a while causing mischief! But the journey will be incredible. :)
NW
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I truly believe it seeing your previous work
I am enjoying them deeply
your actually keeping me from reading twilight
lol which is a good thing. I don't want to be part of a crowd
but i want to see the hype
and see if it was worth it.
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Wow. I haven't read the book (large book too!) or seen the movie "Twilight" yet. Being a more visual person, the movie appeals to me more. I'm so glad that you like my stories. I'll try and get the next chapter out as soon as chapter 1 finishes going through the review process.
Thanks again!
NW
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I inserted a new section in chapter one that includes a vampire and sex scene. This was the original chapter I wrote, so I thought I'd throw it back in there. The points of view get me in trouble a lot, but hopefully I pulled it off. The new section starts when Brook calls Lori on the phone.
Hopefully it's hotter and more captivating!
NW
Comment from DrCarter2001
If this is to be the first chapter in a book, it really needs to start with the change in the character's life and the conflict, to grab the reader's interest. While there is definite conflict between Brooke and Jason, this is mostly background; the real life-changing event (the door that leads to the current story) is when she makes the decision to board the plane. It's never a good idea to start a story with a character description...UNLESS it's to illustrate some ironic, unexpected feature that sets the stage for the story (for example, you start out describing this beautiful girl...and then near the end of the paragraph, you mention that everything is beautiful about her except that she has a tail like a raccoon. That's unusual enough to grab anyone's attention!). I also think that starting with a violent beating by Jason will turn away many readers...the only way it would not is if something dramatic happens; for example, as he's about to beat her again she overcomes her fear and beats him up or even kills him, causing her to go on the run. But I'd say the best approach for this story would be to start with her boarding the plane, and then you can weave the details of her life with Jason through the rest of the story.
One other comment: you use far too many exclamation points. It feels! like! everyone's shouting! all the time! Try to use them only when someone is actually yelling, not just for emphasis. Let the emphasis come out in the words the characters use, not in the punctuation or the dialogue tags.
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reply by the author on 21-Dec-2008
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If this is to be the first chapter in a book, it really needs to start with the change in the character's life and the conflict, to grab the reader's interest. While there is definite conflict between Brooke and Jason, this is mostly background; the real life-changing event (the door that leads to the current story) is when she makes the decision to board the plane. It's never a good idea to start a story with a character description...UNLESS it's to illustrate some ironic, unexpected feature that sets the stage for the story (for example, you start out describing this beautiful girl...and then near the end of the paragraph, you mention that everything is beautiful about her except that she has a tail like a raccoon. That's unusual enough to grab anyone's attention!). I also think that starting with a violent beating by Jason will turn away many readers...the only way it would not is if something dramatic happens; for example, as he's about to beat her again she overcomes her fear and beats him up or even kills him, causing her to go on the run. But I'd say the best approach for this story would be to start with her boarding the plane, and then you can weave the details of her life with Jason through the rest of the story.
One other comment: you use far too many exclamation points. It feels! like! everyone's shouting! all the time! Try to use them only when someone is actually yelling, not just for emphasis. Let the emphasis come out in the words the characters use, not in the punctuation or the dialogue tags.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2008
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Thank you so much for your helpful review. I thought the beating was the drama that would bring readers in. It'sgoing to be a rags to riches story, similar to Cinderella in ways. The first chapter is the darkest, but it ends positive. You make many good points that I will certainly think about. And yes, those exclamation points I thought I took care of, but can see a few got away. :)
Thanks again for your review.
NW
