Blood Relations - A Vampire Tale
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Run!"Some bloodlines run very deep.
23 total reviews
Comment from rusla
Positively captivating, you caught the essence of a drunken abuser and woman too afraid to leave. Her cousin has now saved her life for awhile.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2012
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Positively captivating, you caught the essence of a drunken abuser and woman too afraid to leave. Her cousin has now saved her life for awhile.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2012
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Thank you SO MUCH for this wonderful review!!! It's been a while since I wrote this first chapter. During the course of writing this book, my skills improved. It is a fantastic ride though. I'm so glad to hear that you enjoyed it. Thank you for your kind words!
Steve
Comment from ScarletClearwater
Great lovemaking scenes. I'll be keeping this one on my shelf and following your work. It was very well done and inticing. Great sexy read.
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2011
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Great lovemaking scenes. I'll be keeping this one on my shelf and following your work. It was very well done and inticing. Great sexy read.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2011
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review! There area few scenes like that scattered around the book. I hope to turn this into a movie one day. :) Thanks again!!!
Steve
Comment from jadapenn
Hi Steve, I don't understand. I ran across this in the bonus. Are you reposting the whole book? I never read this chapter. Don't quite know when I climbed aboard the wishes plane.
Very nice build up here. You really developed Brookes character well. Now I can understand her background.
Well done. Good dialogue. luv jada
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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Hi Steve, I don't understand. I ran across this in the bonus. Are you reposting the whole book? I never read this chapter. Don't quite know when I climbed aboard the wishes plane.
Very nice build up here. You really developed Brookes character well. Now I can understand her background.
Well done. Good dialogue. luv jada
Comment Written 13-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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Hi Jada! I'm in the editing phase and when I make a lot of changes I spend $9.95. I don't know what the bonus is, but am glad for it and your review. It is the most violent chapters in the 44 chapters. Editing is a BIG time consumer, LOL. I'm spending days on just one paragraph, but the results are good and it's fun. But I want to set Stan free so I can get to work on a sequel. Thanks for taking a look!
Steve
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
A BLOOD SAFE ESCAPE VAMPIRE TALE!
This is a forcefully narrative, dialogue based; dramatic and panoramic work fantasy based an escape.
Introduction is catchy, interesting, appealing and contributory to the next line.
Dialogues are blocked, packaged, pot-poured, passionately contributory, referral, practical, glossy, deep and light, all purposive flow and catch to the mainstream to follow storyline coverage progression.
Characters are relevant in placement, characterization is diverse, diversified, coherent, and practicable, and inter-woven rounded over the plot links to the maturation and conclusive phase.
Ending is somewhat mystic, curious and spontaneously beckoning to another phase linkage.
It follows an organisation of structure, language, style and setting and locale.
I liked and enjoyed it mostly.
It was a pleasant fantastic haunting throbbing read.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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A BLOOD SAFE ESCAPE VAMPIRE TALE!
This is a forcefully narrative, dialogue based; dramatic and panoramic work fantasy based an escape.
Introduction is catchy, interesting, appealing and contributory to the next line.
Dialogues are blocked, packaged, pot-poured, passionately contributory, referral, practical, glossy, deep and light, all purposive flow and catch to the mainstream to follow storyline coverage progression.
Characters are relevant in placement, characterization is diverse, diversified, coherent, and practicable, and inter-woven rounded over the plot links to the maturation and conclusive phase.
Ending is somewhat mystic, curious and spontaneously beckoning to another phase linkage.
It follows an organisation of structure, language, style and setting and locale.
I liked and enjoyed it mostly.
It was a pleasant fantastic haunting throbbing read.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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Thank you so much for this most encouraging review! :)
Comment from RebelRose
Very good chapter. It captured and held my interest from beginning to end. Well written and I saw nothing to criticize. It flowed along very well.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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Very good chapter. It captured and held my interest from beginning to end. Well written and I saw nothing to criticize. It flowed along very well.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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Thank you so much for this wonderful and encouraging review. I have been stuck re-writing parts of this chapter over and over so it's as close to perfect as can be. It's one of my favorites that even today, still pulls me in. I'm so glad to read the magic captured you too. Brook really does have a new life now, LOL. Hopefully a better life. Thanks again for your wonderful review! :)
Comment from Alison Williams
Your opening scene is excellent, immediately we dislike Jason, what a B*******. I wanted to beat him senseless myself. Nice writing to get me onside with Brooke. I mean, how could you not when he is like that?
I know the fact that he is beating her is because she only brought home $100 rather than $200 dollars, but I did feel it was repeated too many times that he is beating her because she didn't bring home enough. Perhaps rather, have him berate her for being a selfish b... etc. You have established already that he is beating her up for money and I know it's the focus of him and he is angry, but I think he might spew other words...
The juxtapositioning of this chapter is excellent in the fact that you set up two very different scenarios and relationships, using suitable adjectives, action and dialogue.
For example with setting "The apartment was dark and quiet when Jason stormed through the door after another all night drinking binge with his buddies at the corner bar. " we have a cold dark place, and a raging (insert swear word here) storming through ready for violence.
In the second scene, e.g. "The room glowed soft amber from the flickering flames of a dozen candles. The lavender scent filled the air with the smell of freshly cut flowers. The king sized bed rocked and shook as Stan pressed himself against her over and over. " - we have warm light, candles, sounds, tender love.
Dialogue - One is swearing and castigizing Brook for somethign that is not her fault and swearing and namecalling, the other is tender words, complimenting and adoring.
Action, we have the beatings, and the tender sex.
I think Jason will be a main future antagonist, let's hope eventually he comes to a sticky end, I hope so! - Maybe he has a secret of his own which makes him more dangerous than just the appearance of a drunken, girlfriend bashing lout?
Call me a mean mean writer, but I might have interrupted them at that peak moment of climax to have the phone ring. But then I am evil to my characters, LOL! Excellent scene.
Yay! Lori to the rescue.
Well done on an opening chapter. I enjoyed this very much. I am no onto the next one. :) Alison
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
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Your opening scene is excellent, immediately we dislike Jason, what a B*******. I wanted to beat him senseless myself. Nice writing to get me onside with Brooke. I mean, how could you not when he is like that?
I know the fact that he is beating her is because she only brought home $100 rather than $200 dollars, but I did feel it was repeated too many times that he is beating her because she didn't bring home enough. Perhaps rather, have him berate her for being a selfish b... etc. You have established already that he is beating her up for money and I know it's the focus of him and he is angry, but I think he might spew other words...
The juxtapositioning of this chapter is excellent in the fact that you set up two very different scenarios and relationships, using suitable adjectives, action and dialogue.
For example with setting "The apartment was dark and quiet when Jason stormed through the door after another all night drinking binge with his buddies at the corner bar. " we have a cold dark place, and a raging (insert swear word here) storming through ready for violence.
In the second scene, e.g. "The room glowed soft amber from the flickering flames of a dozen candles. The lavender scent filled the air with the smell of freshly cut flowers. The king sized bed rocked and shook as Stan pressed himself against her over and over. " - we have warm light, candles, sounds, tender love.
Dialogue - One is swearing and castigizing Brook for somethign that is not her fault and swearing and namecalling, the other is tender words, complimenting and adoring.
Action, we have the beatings, and the tender sex.
I think Jason will be a main future antagonist, let's hope eventually he comes to a sticky end, I hope so! - Maybe he has a secret of his own which makes him more dangerous than just the appearance of a drunken, girlfriend bashing lout?
Call me a mean mean writer, but I might have interrupted them at that peak moment of climax to have the phone ring. But then I am evil to my characters, LOL! Excellent scene.
Yay! Lori to the rescue.
Well done on an opening chapter. I enjoyed this very much. I am no onto the next one. :) Alison
Comment Written 10-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
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Thank you so much for such an encouraging and wondeful review, Alison! I gave a lot of thought to your idea to make Brook's call sooner, but as I tried to re-write it, I just couldn't do it. I liked the idea though and maybe after some more thought, I'll try again. Thanks again for such a wonderful review!!! :)
Comment from Sue_Angel
You have everything in this chapter, excitement, sex, tension and suspense. Your description of Stan and Lori in bed was intense and very well done. The dialogue was excellent -- each character had his/her own voice. You did a great job of making the reader hate Jason and have sympathy for Brooke. (And believe me, death is too good for Jason! LOL) You pulled the reader in from the beginning of the chapter to the end and leaving the reader hanging, so...
I will go on to the next chapter!
Take care,
Susan
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2009
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You have everything in this chapter, excitement, sex, tension and suspense. Your description of Stan and Lori in bed was intense and very well done. The dialogue was excellent -- each character had his/her own voice. You did a great job of making the reader hate Jason and have sympathy for Brooke. (And believe me, death is too good for Jason! LOL) You pulled the reader in from the beginning of the chapter to the end and leaving the reader hanging, so...
I will go on to the next chapter!
Take care,
Susan
Comment Written 18-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2009
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Oh, my. You've taken us back to the beginning, which was perhaps the most violent of the series. Thank you for your very appreciated comments. Jason's character here is meant to be the meanest (within reason, LOL). The love scene between Stan and Lori was meant to be incredible. In a later revision, I will work to make it even more intense. There was a debate back then as to starting the story with Stan and Lori's love scene, then getting the call from Brook, or have Brook beaten, then calling her cousin. To this day I way the two openings, but I think the story flows better the way it is. But what an opening if it opened to that love scene.
If your interest is held and you read on, you'll see at the end of just about every chapter there is a cliffhanger. I just wish you could get more than a point and two cents! When this came out, I think it paid top dollar, like $1.35. The early chapters tend to be a tad longer before I learned the need to trim them. I learned a lot in those first chapters about storyteling and writing, and that process continues even to today. Thanks again for your wonderful review! Enjoy the ride! :)
Steve
Comment from Sasha
This has the potential for a great story. Your descriptions are excellent and provide strong imagery. However, you dialogue needs work. It comes across as a little stiff in places and some sections are unnecessary. I have personal experience with abusive situations and felt your descriptions of the violence were accurate but your explanations of why she continued to say (which is common) were rushed. You don't need to say a lot, but a little more frustration in her fear of leaving would really add to the understanding. Like I said, this has great potential for being a very good book.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2009
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This has the potential for a great story. Your descriptions are excellent and provide strong imagery. However, you dialogue needs work. It comes across as a little stiff in places and some sections are unnecessary. I have personal experience with abusive situations and felt your descriptions of the violence were accurate but your explanations of why she continued to say (which is common) were rushed. You don't need to say a lot, but a little more frustration in her fear of leaving would really add to the understanding. Like I said, this has great potential for being a very good book.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2009
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Thank you so much for your very helpful review and for reading. I'll take a look at this and see what I can do. This chapter is by far the most violent chapter I've ever written, but I needed to paint Jason as this evil person. I did have a little trouble with the why she stayed part. I came pretty close to having them married. Thank you for your suggestions, I really appreciate your review.
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Thank you for your kind response. I was concerned you might be offended. I am serious that I think this has the potential of being a very good book. You will receive a lot of suggestions, some good, others not so good. You will decide for yourself which to follow. I plan to follow your book and I hope my suggestions are just that, suggestions. It is your book and your story. In the end, you know what is best.
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Thank you. I just want you to know that I appreciate your suggestions and I think they will take my writing to a new level once I master them. They are good, no better -- they are GREAT! :)
Comment from Julasif
This is a great start. In fact, I'm writing this review in a hurry so I can read the next chapter. The only think I might mention is that the continuous dialogue can sometimes be a bit much. Overall, I'm very interested in this book.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2009
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This is a great start. In fact, I'm writing this review in a hurry so I can read the next chapter. The only think I might mention is that the continuous dialogue can sometimes be a bit much. Overall, I'm very interested in this book.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2009
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Thank you so much Julasif for your wonderful and encouraging review! I've noticed that too, where dialogue seems heavy. This book is going to be turned into a screenplay next, where the dialogue will come in handy. I have been working on triming the dialogue, but even in my latest chapter, it's still there. I'm learning more about descrtive writing and looking for new ways to show character emotions. Both should help down the road. Thanks again for your interest!!! :)
Comment from nightraine1956
Good beginning. Poor Brook. I am glad Lori came to her rescue. Your characters are well defined. Jason is a real piece of work. Hopefully he will get his soon as I will find out in later reading. Good job.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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Good beginning. Poor Brook. I am glad Lori came to her rescue. Your characters are well defined. Jason is a real piece of work. Hopefully he will get his soon as I will find out in later reading. Good job.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2009
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Thank you so much Nightraine. You jumped in to the deep end of the pool with probably the most brutal of the chapters. Some readers thought it was a bit too violent, so I plan to revist this later and take out a few pieces. But yes, you captured the Jason angle perfectly. :)
Thanks again for reading and your wonderful review!
