CSP: A Collection of Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 139 "Revisited"A collection of poetry
51 total reviews
Comment from LScribeHarris
Again, a very nice poem. The haiku form is difficult, but you did a good job with the final turn, giving movement and life and feeling to a poem, as though it was just waking up at that third line, which echoes your theme of sudden memories.
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Again, a very nice poem. The haiku form is difficult, but you did a good job with the final turn, giving movement and life and feeling to a poem, as though it was just waking up at that third line, which echoes your theme of sudden memories.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2008
Comment from sara-beth
In so few words you've conjured up a whole slew of ideas, for me anyway. It's strange how we can run into someone who meant a lot to us, years later, randomly,.....and all the feelings that are swirling around like dust particles....wow, obviously your poem did the trick.
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In so few words you've conjured up a whole slew of ideas, for me anyway. It's strange how we can run into someone who meant a lot to us, years later, randomly,.....and all the feelings that are swirling around like dust particles....wow, obviously your poem did the trick.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2008
Comment from Rar22
Wow, this is absolutely lovely. The picture and presentation fit perfectly with the tone of the piece, and you have packed imagery and genuine nostalgia into a few short lines. 'Silenced under dusty time' is beautiful. Great job :)
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Wow, this is absolutely lovely. The picture and presentation fit perfectly with the tone of the piece, and you have packed imagery and genuine nostalgia into a few short lines. 'Silenced under dusty time' is beautiful. Great job :)
Comment Written 05-Dec-2008
Comment from sharon fallis
A very well written and depicted senryu. Good word choices and usage. This one makes you stop and think about what it is saying, why and what it means. Good imagery. Sharon
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A very well written and depicted senryu. Good word choices and usage. This one makes you stop and think about what it is saying, why and what it means. Good imagery. Sharon
Comment Written 04-Dec-2008
Comment from jmyron
You have the 5-7-5 format right, and the contentt is great. My critique is that the way it is set up it has no satori (disconnect, whic should be in the third line.
Your first line,
'quiet memories,'
would make a good disconnect if placed in the third line.
Your first and second line would need to be reworked, but I think you have the germ of a strong work here. It could be as easy as
alight, unannounced
silenced under dusty time
quiet memories,
You do have a good concept here, good work.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2008
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You have the 5-7-5 format right, and the contentt is great. My critique is that the way it is set up it has no satori (disconnect, whic should be in the third line.
Your first line,
'quiet memories,'
would make a good disconnect if placed in the third line.
Your first and second line would need to be reworked, but I think you have the germ of a strong work here. It could be as easy as
alight, unannounced
silenced under dusty time
quiet memories,
You do have a good concept here, good work.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2008
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jmyron, I am going to go back and do some study on the haiku/senyru format to learn more. Especially about the satori. Very glad you brought this up. I thought I did it right. But, will most certainly take your suggestions on board and re-visit this. I really appreciate your generous review, kind words and very specific comments! Much appreciated and with regards, Sue
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Just found something interesting on the senryu:
Saw this on the web:
"Actually, if one must differentiate, the senryu form is satiric, concerned with poking fun at human behavior as opposed to the profound"
Example:
after the verdict
the arsonist
lights up
HA! Now, that's satirical - and funny!
Also, just ran across another article which states that it does not have to be 17 syllables. Only between 10 to 14 syllables. Now, I'm REALLY confused. Must go delve deeper into this, as I really do enjoy the haiku and senryu format.
There does not seem to be a consensus, so I must go chase one down!
Again, thanks for your remarks, as now I am on a mission.
Regards,
Sue
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In reguards to the Senryu that you sited,
after the verdict
the arsonist
lights up
The syllable count is wrong, but aside from that, I have written many like this. Many of my early Haiku/Senru have structure and the syllable count right, but are not true to form in phillosophy. This example, and fome of mine, are in reality one thought. One sentance. A true Haiku or Senryu should be in two parts. The first two lines, being the meat of the poem, and the third line, the Satori, or disconnect. It is a new thought, one related to the rest of the poem, but more of an afterthought. Or maybe a counterpoint. In Haiku, the Satori tends to touch on the serene, or be elemental, even profound. In Senryu, the Satori most usually has a bite. It tends to be sarcastic, or satyrical, but profound is not restricted.
You are a sixties kid. Do you remember the old 'I could have had a V-8' commercials? The punch line was an afterthought to the rest of the commercial. That line is a good example of a Satori, in the context of the rest of the commercial.
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Dang! I coulda had a V-8!! Ha!
Great insight. Going to continue to study and write haiku and senryu. I love them both. Then the Tanka.
Thanks for the inspiration!!
And for your valuable time to help out!!
Sue
Comment from kassey
Memories are strange to describe, they are an unknown unseen and unpredictable showing up when you least expect them. great work Kay
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Memories are strange to describe, they are an unknown unseen and unpredictable showing up when you least expect them. great work Kay
Comment Written 04-Dec-2008
Comment from giftid3
Hmm much pondering came from this to grasp some form of image and yes, what came forth was wonderful.
The imagery showed one mature in years, sitting by an open window into a beautiful flowery garden, looking at old photos, memories of times past. And then finding a small trinket, not anything of value, but a smile ensues. An in that moment, she is taken back to a time to a friendship that developed full of hope and expectation, happiness and devotion. A time filled with wonder of a different path if it had been walked, instead of the one taken, although not regretted. And then as if out of the blue, a knock on the door, and there before her very eyes the person to whom she had been reminiscing over. Could this be coincidence or is it providence?
I enjoyed the read and the images that followed. Thanks and many blessings to you
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Hmm much pondering came from this to grasp some form of image and yes, what came forth was wonderful.
The imagery showed one mature in years, sitting by an open window into a beautiful flowery garden, looking at old photos, memories of times past. And then finding a small trinket, not anything of value, but a smile ensues. An in that moment, she is taken back to a time to a friendship that developed full of hope and expectation, happiness and devotion. A time filled with wonder of a different path if it had been walked, instead of the one taken, although not regretted. And then as if out of the blue, a knock on the door, and there before her very eyes the person to whom she had been reminiscing over. Could this be coincidence or is it providence?
I enjoyed the read and the images that followed. Thanks and many blessings to you
Comment Written 04-Dec-2008
Comment from NightWriter
"Revisited" is a beautiful poem. I read this and couldn't help of the many times it happens to me too. And those memories always come back better as the actual events. Memories age like wine, just like the song says. Well done.
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"Revisited" is a beautiful poem. I read this and couldn't help of the many times it happens to me too. And those memories always come back better as the actual events. Memories age like wine, just like the song says. Well done.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2008
Comment from RapturedHeart
This is superb, SZkid! Like a root fire you can't see till it sparks up somewhere - could be dormant for a while, and suddenly it erupts. Like the way you have time gathering dust - interesting concept. Well done, all the best in the contest, - and I see you won the naani one - congratulations! Heather
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This is superb, SZkid! Like a root fire you can't see till it sparks up somewhere - could be dormant for a while, and suddenly it erupts. Like the way you have time gathering dust - interesting concept. Well done, all the best in the contest, - and I see you won the naani one - congratulations! Heather
Comment Written 04-Dec-2008
Comment from LadyMary
This writing epitomizes those times wherein a sudden thought triggers fond memories, on which one can dwell for hours. Beautifully written senryu; such a concise writing format to say so much. Thank you for sharing. LadyMary
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This writing epitomizes those times wherein a sudden thought triggers fond memories, on which one can dwell for hours. Beautifully written senryu; such a concise writing format to say so much. Thank you for sharing. LadyMary
Comment Written 04-Dec-2008
