Don't Wait Until Too Late
A couple meet the end, with two different results40 total reviews
Comment from Aislynn Faire
Hank swore a blue streak as he cranked at the starter
--Clever way to put this.
?He?s come,? Mary said in a hushed voice. ?Just like He promised, the day has come. Praise God.?
?Who?? Hank demanded, though he already suspected.
--This last part is funny somehow.
She pulled back and the tragedy on her face clutched at his heart.
--Wow. You are a good writer. You really have some talent there, redrider6612.
shining figure in blinding white robes appeared amidst them.
--I suggest you rewrite the end of this as:
appeared in their midst.
Then Mary kissed him, a kiss that tasted of goodbye laced with regret.
--I really admire the way you put down your words.
I read your note at the end: no wonder you were able to convey so much emotion in this piece. It would be very difficult to believe that the one you love most in the world might not be with you in the world to come. Bless you for your faith and prayers.
Lady Emerald
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2008
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Hank swore a blue streak as he cranked at the starter
--Clever way to put this.
?He?s come,? Mary said in a hushed voice. ?Just like He promised, the day has come. Praise God.?
?Who?? Hank demanded, though he already suspected.
--This last part is funny somehow.
She pulled back and the tragedy on her face clutched at his heart.
--Wow. You are a good writer. You really have some talent there, redrider6612.
shining figure in blinding white robes appeared amidst them.
--I suggest you rewrite the end of this as:
appeared in their midst.
Then Mary kissed him, a kiss that tasted of goodbye laced with regret.
--I really admire the way you put down your words.
I read your note at the end: no wonder you were able to convey so much emotion in this piece. It would be very difficult to believe that the one you love most in the world might not be with you in the world to come. Bless you for your faith and prayers.
Lady Emerald
Comment Written 18-Nov-2008
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2008
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Thank you for the thoughtful review.
Comment from MissCellanea
Many husbands are won through the quiet witness of their wives. . . .Powerfully-written account of the End of Days. Your tears are evident of the passion inside you. Beautiful entry for the contest. Best wishes and Gpd bless. Sue
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2008
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Many husbands are won through the quiet witness of their wives. . . .Powerfully-written account of the End of Days. Your tears are evident of the passion inside you. Beautiful entry for the contest. Best wishes and Gpd bless. Sue
Comment Written 17-Nov-2008
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2008
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thank you, suzque, for the review and the kind words
Comment from bookishfabler
the story was interesting and enjoyable. From a technical standpoint, I beleive it may be too passive. Here are a few examples.
Mary was humming to the song on the radio, eyes idly watching the bright ( Mary hummed)
(-All) (U)p and down the street, people (-were standing) (stood) beside their vehicles, while others had come out of stores and restaurants.
Everyone was gaping (gaped) up at the sky, some with fear, but many with the same awe and wonder that was on Mary?s face. His gaze was drawn irresistibly up.
(Too many was- passive) Looks of fear and wonder across the many faces. Hank turned his eyes heavenward.
Good luck in the contest. Hope this is helpful
lots of hugs
bookishfabler
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2008
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the story was interesting and enjoyable. From a technical standpoint, I beleive it may be too passive. Here are a few examples.
Mary was humming to the song on the radio, eyes idly watching the bright ( Mary hummed)
(-All) (U)p and down the street, people (-were standing) (stood) beside their vehicles, while others had come out of stores and restaurants.
Everyone was gaping (gaped) up at the sky, some with fear, but many with the same awe and wonder that was on Mary?s face. His gaze was drawn irresistibly up.
(Too many was- passive) Looks of fear and wonder across the many faces. Hank turned his eyes heavenward.
Good luck in the contest. Hope this is helpful
lots of hugs
bookishfabler
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2008
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2008
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Thank you so much! Passive voice is one of my main problems, and I appreciate your help more than you know.
Comment from Hitcher
I liked your creative take on how the end of days will manifest and I could feel the pain in Mary's heart as she realized that Hank was not going to be taken up with her. I even had a little chuckle when Hank demanded 'who'. A very good and imaginative contest piece friend, well done and good look.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2008
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I liked your creative take on how the end of days will manifest and I could feel the pain in Mary's heart as she realized that Hank was not going to be taken up with her. I even had a little chuckle when Hank demanded 'who'. A very good and imaginative contest piece friend, well done and good look.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2008
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2008
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Thank you very much.
Comment from ritareeact3
You wrote your story with truth and a realness that is refreshing. I enjoyed reading your description of how it might be those last moments, how beautiful, how majestic and glorious. Great job!
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2008
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You wrote your story with truth and a realness that is refreshing. I enjoyed reading your description of how it might be those last moments, how beautiful, how majestic and glorious. Great job!
Comment Written 16-Nov-2008
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2008
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thank you very much
Comment from empire76
I got goosebumps just reading this. It is a fictional take on it, but it does carry that feeling of how it might be - loved ones being separated in the end.
This is a reality that we often forget. It is easy to forget actually. I pray that through you, your loved one will also come to know the Lord.
Do not give up.
Empi
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2008
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I got goosebumps just reading this. It is a fictional take on it, but it does carry that feeling of how it might be - loved ones being separated in the end.
This is a reality that we often forget. It is easy to forget actually. I pray that through you, your loved one will also come to know the Lord.
Do not give up.
Empi
Comment Written 16-Nov-2008
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2008
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Thank you, empi, for the great review and the warm words of encouragement.
Comment from eveeator
wow, how powerful, there were tears in my eyes too, this is an excellent take on the contest, I think we must be of the same mind as I imagine it will end something along these lines also, excellent thought and really well written keeping me interested and compelled to read from start to end. Good luck with your entry in the contest as it is really excellent, keep well regards Yvonne
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2008
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wow, how powerful, there were tears in my eyes too, this is an excellent take on the contest, I think we must be of the same mind as I imagine it will end something along these lines also, excellent thought and really well written keeping me interested and compelled to read from start to end. Good luck with your entry in the contest as it is really excellent, keep well regards Yvonne
Comment Written 16-Nov-2008
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2008
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Thank you, Yvonne, I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
This is very well written piece I enjoyed the read it has very good descriptions of what s happening you have done well good luck regards Fuller
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2008
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This is very well written piece I enjoyed the read it has very good descriptions of what s happening you have done well good luck regards Fuller
Comment Written 16-Nov-2008
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2008
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thank you
Comment from ulster3
Hello redrider.
Very well written indeed. My cousin, a minister in Scotland, once told me it would be like getting to the train station in time to see your train just pull out. You'd be left standing on the platform. Thanks for sharing. fondly, rebecca
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2008
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Hello redrider.
Very well written indeed. My cousin, a minister in Scotland, once told me it would be like getting to the train station in time to see your train just pull out. You'd be left standing on the platform. Thanks for sharing. fondly, rebecca
Comment Written 14-Nov-2008
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2008
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Thank you, Rebecca
Comment from adewpearl
I like the way the story begins - I waited to see what was going on. The description of the world's response to the thousands of angels in the sky is effective. The response the wife has is heartfelt as is the last moments of the couple together. I have two adult children who do not believe as their father did not. It has never given me one second's worry as they are both wonderful people- ethical, moral, compassionate, productive, helping others - I believe they live their lives as Jesus commanded us to live, and that is all, I am certain, God cares about. I know my belief is far different from yours and many Christians, but I do believe one day you and your husband will spend eternity together if he is the good person my children are. :-) Peace, Brooke
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2008
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I like the way the story begins - I waited to see what was going on. The description of the world's response to the thousands of angels in the sky is effective. The response the wife has is heartfelt as is the last moments of the couple together. I have two adult children who do not believe as their father did not. It has never given me one second's worry as they are both wonderful people- ethical, moral, compassionate, productive, helping others - I believe they live their lives as Jesus commanded us to live, and that is all, I am certain, God cares about. I know my belief is far different from yours and many Christians, but I do believe one day you and your husband will spend eternity together if he is the good person my children are. :-) Peace, Brooke
Comment Written 11-Nov-2008
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2008
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Thank you, Brooke. I hope you're right.
