Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 35 "Smack Down"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
18 total reviews
Comment from Paradox Tremors
I haven't done much reading over the past few weeks, but this caught my eye and I had to sit down and read it. Ya never disappoint I must say. Truly enjoyed this and wish you the best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2008
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I haven't done much reading over the past few weeks, but this caught my eye and I had to sit down and read it. Ya never disappoint I must say. Truly enjoyed this and wish you the best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2008
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Well, my goodness, it's been ages! So nice to see you again and just in time for a big holiday hug and a joyful Merry Christmas.
Thanks for the great comments, my friend. They're so appreciated, as are you!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from sharon fallis
Gayle, you finially did it, and this was a fabulous ending. It even had me crying from happiness. Love your writing more and more each time I read anything you have written. Your writting is so homey, and "down to real life". Can't say anything more, as I feel this has said it all. Hugs...Sharon
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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Gayle, you finially did it, and this was a fabulous ending. It even had me crying from happiness. Love your writing more and more each time I read anything you have written. Your writting is so homey, and "down to real life". Can't say anything more, as I feel this has said it all. Hugs...Sharon
Comment Written 02-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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Well, hey Sharon, so good to see you again. I'm thrilled with your review. Thank you so much for visiting and for making me smile!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Ahhh, the quintessential businessman, Jim, encouraging his latest clients to celebrate at the finest eatery in town -- ELLA's. Can't top that, can you? And Riley found out the only thing worse than dealing with a woman scorned is pissing off a female Doberman. Thanks for telling me this was here. While the pointd and moneys are nice, I'd read your stuff free any day. love, jan
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2008
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Ahhh, the quintessential businessman, Jim, encouraging his latest clients to celebrate at the finest eatery in town -- ELLA's. Can't top that, can you? And Riley found out the only thing worse than dealing with a woman scorned is pissing off a female Doberman. Thanks for telling me this was here. While the pointd and moneys are nice, I'd read your stuff free any day. love, jan
Comment Written 16-Nov-2008
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2008
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LOL! Jan, I'm pasting this out and using it as a review on the back cover. How clever and just what I needed! And then to cap it off with a sixer. My goodness, waking up to a sixer from you just set the tone for the whole day.
Thank you so much for everything including your treasured friendship.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Sylvia Page
That's for a job well done! I love books that ends like the way yours did. It feels like a bit of nostalgia like saying bye to an old friend. Done saying that I am off to read it again to check for any errors, we cannot have those can we now? Nothing else that I can spot and agree with the other reviewers on their recommendations, no point in me repeating them as well.
Here's wishing you every success in getting it published.
Sylvia
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2008
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That's for a job well done! I love books that ends like the way yours did. It feels like a bit of nostalgia like saying bye to an old friend. Done saying that I am off to read it again to check for any errors, we cannot have those can we now? Nothing else that I can spot and agree with the other reviewers on their recommendations, no point in me repeating them as well.
Here's wishing you every success in getting it published.
Sylvia
Comment Written 10-Nov-2008
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2008
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Oh my goodness, Sylvia,
Thank you so much for that wonderful sixer. I'm going to go over the whole book with a fine tooth comb next and hopefully we'll get this one out the door without too much pain!
Again, dear friend, thank you for the loyalty and the super duper comments.
And the six; let us not forget the six! :)
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
And they lived happily ever after. Stay tuned for Gayle's next adventure, "Ella's" Hehehehe.
Great ending. Loved the book. Do have to change the title in real life, you went in a different direction.
I can't help it, I read your note on top, and thought what would a new reader think. Now don't change anything, we know Tony is a dog. but it's still funny, if someone pictureing some cops nose flaring, and panting. LOL
Tony crouched in the cover of a dense shrub, waiting. Nostrils quivering, he caught Jim's scent. He stopped panting, body immobile, head cocked as though eavesdropping on his prey while they whispered to each other. He pressed himself into the bushes as he heard the sound of footsteps approaching, followed by more loud shouting. He lowered his head and crawled toward the gang. About ten feet from them he stopped and waited.
he gaped open-mouthed and paralyzed as his cohort wrestled with what looked like a snarling, slavering mass of snapping teeth. (This one isn't flowing right for me. I'm thinking it may need some commas and I hate to say this, but ...a WAS. I'm not sure, but I did have to read the line over and over. And I'm on coffee not wine right now. LOL.
Lot's of hugs
book
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2008
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And they lived happily ever after. Stay tuned for Gayle's next adventure, "Ella's" Hehehehe.
Great ending. Loved the book. Do have to change the title in real life, you went in a different direction.
I can't help it, I read your note on top, and thought what would a new reader think. Now don't change anything, we know Tony is a dog. but it's still funny, if someone pictureing some cops nose flaring, and panting. LOL
Tony crouched in the cover of a dense shrub, waiting. Nostrils quivering, he caught Jim's scent. He stopped panting, body immobile, head cocked as though eavesdropping on his prey while they whispered to each other. He pressed himself into the bushes as he heard the sound of footsteps approaching, followed by more loud shouting. He lowered his head and crawled toward the gang. About ten feet from them he stopped and waited.
he gaped open-mouthed and paralyzed as his cohort wrestled with what looked like a snarling, slavering mass of snapping teeth. (This one isn't flowing right for me. I'm thinking it may need some commas and I hate to say this, but ...a WAS. I'm not sure, but I did have to read the line over and over. And I'm on coffee not wine right now. LOL.
Lot's of hugs
book
Comment Written 10-Nov-2008
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2008
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LOL, dear Heidi, your reviews always give me a chuckle.
Yes, this one is no longer Stalker, now it's Cold Fusion. I do that so much, change horses in mid stream...did that with Secret Lives, too! lol!
Great ideas and, well, yes, I guess I could throw a comma in there...and a WAS if you insist, although you know my thing about passives...lol, coffee here. Just goes to show you, zany has nothing to do with the beverage of choice.
Thanks, dear, so appreciated the comments and the chuckle.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Sissy
Hi Gayle!
You tied everything up neatly here, and loved how this ended with the invite to Ella's. Nice touch. This was a fun chapter, I love when the dogs get involved - you humanize them so well!!
No major things here, just a few little things. Check 'em out:
the truck with the klieg lights turned around, trundled as close as it could get to the dividing fence line and trained their (instead of 'their', go with 'its')lights on the backyard.
The Russians scattered, running away (<--can kick 'away'. Not needed.) from the sweeping brightness
He pressed himself into the bushes as he heard the sound of footsteps approaching, followed by more loud shouting.
(Consider kicking the 'he heard' here. Try just: '...into the bushes as the sound of footseps approached, followed by...')
His head and shoulders surged forward then (<--can kick 'then'. The sentence reads fine without.) and the gun flew out of his hand
almost pointblank range (point-blank -- needs the dash/dictionary.com)
Pinned, the man stopped moving and thus probably saved his (+ own?) life.
She burst into tears, arms wide as she
approached her; arms open wide
(double 'arms wide' very close together. Watch repetition.)
Andy a fancy, ornate business card (consider just using either 'fancy' or 'ornate' - they are very similar adjectives.)
Great job, Gayle. Whew! I enjoyed this one!!
Take care,
Sissy
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2008
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Hi Gayle!
You tied everything up neatly here, and loved how this ended with the invite to Ella's. Nice touch. This was a fun chapter, I love when the dogs get involved - you humanize them so well!!
No major things here, just a few little things. Check 'em out:
the truck with the klieg lights turned around, trundled as close as it could get to the dividing fence line and trained their (instead of 'their', go with 'its')lights on the backyard.
The Russians scattered, running away (<--can kick 'away'. Not needed.) from the sweeping brightness
He pressed himself into the bushes as he heard the sound of footsteps approaching, followed by more loud shouting.
(Consider kicking the 'he heard' here. Try just: '...into the bushes as the sound of footseps approached, followed by...')
His head and shoulders surged forward then (<--can kick 'then'. The sentence reads fine without.) and the gun flew out of his hand
almost pointblank range (point-blank -- needs the dash/dictionary.com)
Pinned, the man stopped moving and thus probably saved his (+ own?) life.
She burst into tears, arms wide as she
approached her; arms open wide
(double 'arms wide' very close together. Watch repetition.)
Andy a fancy, ornate business card (consider just using either 'fancy' or 'ornate' - they are very similar adjectives.)
Great job, Gayle. Whew! I enjoyed this one!!
Take care,
Sissy
Comment Written 10-Nov-2008
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2008
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Hi Sissy,
So good to see you catching this one. I've pasted out the edits and am heading to the editing cave to tweak. I think I'm going to trot out Riding Blind...been languishing, and now I'm in the mood for the kids again.
Hugs and huge thanks for all your efforts on my behalf,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Readywriter52
A great ending. They caught the bad guys. Andy and Candace were saved. Tony and Cricket got a crack at the bad guys. Andy and Candace were reunited with their family.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2008
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A great ending. They caught the bad guys. Andy and Candace were saved. Tony and Cricket got a crack at the bad guys. Andy and Candace were reunited with their family.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2008
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2008
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Hi RW,
Well, sniff, it's over! Oh well, on with another. Stay tuned. And thanks so much for the support throughout this one. It's so appreciated.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Celtic~Soul
Ahhh, all done! Everyone's safe and the Russkies are in the pokey. Oh the satisfaction! Wonderful wrap-up, Gayle!
A few nits/suggestions for you:
then turned around to face him - watch wordiness, can drop around
in the midst of a thick group of oleanders. - make your words count - maybe thick clump or bunch?
trained their lights - trained its lights
he heard the sound of footsteps approaching - watch redundancy, of course he hears sound!, trim: he listened to appgroaching footsteps
that the klieg lights missed - how about 'made by the klieg lights'
Lenny found the body of Andy Baker - found the body suggests he's dead, how about just 'found Andy'?
Lenny turned toward Jim in question, then nodded at Tony.
"You seen Cricket?" - Evil Eddie strikes
alright - all right
scrolled across - I think you meant scrawled
Great job!
Dawn
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2008
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Ahhh, all done! Everyone's safe and the Russkies are in the pokey. Oh the satisfaction! Wonderful wrap-up, Gayle!
A few nits/suggestions for you:
then turned around to face him - watch wordiness, can drop around
in the midst of a thick group of oleanders. - make your words count - maybe thick clump or bunch?
trained their lights - trained its lights
he heard the sound of footsteps approaching - watch redundancy, of course he hears sound!, trim: he listened to appgroaching footsteps
that the klieg lights missed - how about 'made by the klieg lights'
Lenny found the body of Andy Baker - found the body suggests he's dead, how about just 'found Andy'?
Lenny turned toward Jim in question, then nodded at Tony.
"You seen Cricket?" - Evil Eddie strikes
alright - all right
scrolled across - I think you meant scrawled
Great job!
Dawn
Comment Written 09-Nov-2008
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2008
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Hey Duches! Man, it's cold here this morning! I'm bundled up like an Eskimo!
So glad you liked this one. And you're right...just found Andy, not his body. Hmmm, we don't like alright or is it in the context. Let me check. As yo know, now I go to the cave and tweak the dickens out of this little book. I go back to all the reviews, pull out the comments/ edits and then go for it.
So, what's with Rhia? She taking a sabatical? Get to work, Duch, I'm hungry for more!
Love ya and big thanks,
Cave Countess
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
The six-star review is for the entire book, one of your best efforts. I enjoyed this chapter, as well as the entire book, and I can't find anything to criticize.
It took me a minute to remember who Sara was, but that was because of the slow pace of reading novels on Fanstory. If the book had been in my lap, I would've recognized her right away.
I see you've completed the book, but I think it could use an epilogue. It could include a rollout of Andy's invention, diplomatic embarrassment for the Russians, and a promise of a way out of our problems, which are all too real.
Dave M
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2008
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Gayle,
The six-star review is for the entire book, one of your best efforts. I enjoyed this chapter, as well as the entire book, and I can't find anything to criticize.
It took me a minute to remember who Sara was, but that was because of the slow pace of reading novels on Fanstory. If the book had been in my lap, I would've recognized her right away.
I see you've completed the book, but I think it could use an epilogue. It could include a rollout of Andy's invention, diplomatic embarrassment for the Russians, and a promise of a way out of our problems, which are all too real.
Dave M
Comment Written 09-Nov-2008
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2008
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Well, Dave, how wonderful, a sixer. I sure do appreciate it and I'm so glad you liked the book. I had a ball writing it, just hard time ending.
Thanks so much,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Norbanus
Way to go, Annabelle. This is one hell of a wrap up.
Of course, I've got my usual nit-pics. :-)
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"What should we do, Andy?" Candace peered into the darkness then turned around (cut 'around') to face him.
-----------
They edged along the wall of the house(cut 'of the house'), heading for the road and the squad of police gathered in the driveway next door. With their attention fixed on the lights sweeping the front of the building, they never saw the men hiding in the midst of a(cut 'midst of a') thick group of oleanders.
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Lenny and Jim reached the edge of the lawn about the same time (The word 'about' repeated from the last sentence of the previous paragraph. Consider 'just as' instead of 'about the same time') the cops came around the corner of the house.
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Before he could raise the muzzle and fire, his body whipped backward in a sharp arc. Both arms jerked to the heavens and he let out a screech, almost doubling over as ninety pounds of Doberman hit him in the small of his back. His head and shoulders surged forward then and the gun flew out of his hand. Dimitri crashed to the ground, twitching in convulsions; then he was still. ('out a screech'/'out of his hand'. Consider 'Dimitri's head and shoulders surged forward; he crashed to the ground, the gun flying off into the darkness. After a moment of twitching in convulsions, he was still.'
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Another of the gang members drew his gun, pointed it at Pete, and from almost pointblank range squeezed off a shot just a breath after the(cut 'the') one that came(cut 'that came') from the back of the property. His shot went wild and(cut 'and' insert comma) he dropped his weapon in slow motion and clutched his side. He staggered backward several steps and collapsed in a heap. (Consecutive sentences beginning with 'His'/'He'. Consider: 'Staggering backward several steps, he collapsed in a heap.')
----------
Another of the gang members drew his gun, pointed it at Pete, and from almost pointblank range squeezed off a shot just a breath after the(cut 'the') one that came(cut 'that came') from the back of the property. His shot went wild and(cut 'and' insert comma) he dropped his weapon in slow motion and clutched his side. He staggered backward several steps and collapsed in a heap. (Consecutive sentences beginning with 'His'/'He'. Consider: 'Staggering backward several steps, he collapsed in a heap.')
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"Thanks, Jim. We got it from here." Detective Riley nodded in gratitude then turned to his men. His startled expression followed by a shouted warning got the men's attention. He pointed behind them the same time as the sound of muffled shots and a sharp inhuman cry filled the air. (Since some of the characters are dogs, it might be a good idea to find a word other than 'inhuman' to describe the man's anguished cry.)
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The cops spun around in time to see the remaining upright gang member. Unarmed, hands waving around as though possessed by demons, he gaped open-mouthed and paralyzed as his cohort wrestled with what looked like a snarling, slavering mass of snapping teeth. The growling had the quality and texture of fingernails on a blackboard. The man began to scream. (He's already screaming at the end of the last paragraph.)
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A blur really, no more than an optical illusion swished through the air, knocking Candace in one direction and her captor in another. (Inaccurate. It is not an illusion. Consider: 'A blur swished through the air, knocking Candace in one direction and her captor in another.') Cricket whirled, turning on the man as the woman hit the ground, slid across the lawn and rolled into some(cut 'some' insert 'the') shrubs. Candace slammed into the oleanders with a solid thud and lay still, moaning.
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Lenny found the body of(cut 'the body of') Andy Baker, bound and gagged, lying along the side of the house.
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reply by the author on 10-Nov-2008
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Way to go, Annabelle. This is one hell of a wrap up.
Of course, I've got my usual nit-pics. :-)
-----------
"What should we do, Andy?" Candace peered into the darkness then turned around (cut 'around') to face him.
-----------
They edged along the wall of the house(cut 'of the house'), heading for the road and the squad of police gathered in the driveway next door. With their attention fixed on the lights sweeping the front of the building, they never saw the men hiding in the midst of a(cut 'midst of a') thick group of oleanders.
-------------
Lenny and Jim reached the edge of the lawn about the same time (The word 'about' repeated from the last sentence of the previous paragraph. Consider 'just as' instead of 'about the same time') the cops came around the corner of the house.
------------
Before he could raise the muzzle and fire, his body whipped backward in a sharp arc. Both arms jerked to the heavens and he let out a screech, almost doubling over as ninety pounds of Doberman hit him in the small of his back. His head and shoulders surged forward then and the gun flew out of his hand. Dimitri crashed to the ground, twitching in convulsions; then he was still. ('out a screech'/'out of his hand'. Consider 'Dimitri's head and shoulders surged forward; he crashed to the ground, the gun flying off into the darkness. After a moment of twitching in convulsions, he was still.'
-----------
Another of the gang members drew his gun, pointed it at Pete, and from almost pointblank range squeezed off a shot just a breath after the(cut 'the') one that came(cut 'that came') from the back of the property. His shot went wild and(cut 'and' insert comma) he dropped his weapon in slow motion and clutched his side. He staggered backward several steps and collapsed in a heap. (Consecutive sentences beginning with 'His'/'He'. Consider: 'Staggering backward several steps, he collapsed in a heap.')
----------
Another of the gang members drew his gun, pointed it at Pete, and from almost pointblank range squeezed off a shot just a breath after the(cut 'the') one that came(cut 'that came') from the back of the property. His shot went wild and(cut 'and' insert comma) he dropped his weapon in slow motion and clutched his side. He staggered backward several steps and collapsed in a heap. (Consecutive sentences beginning with 'His'/'He'. Consider: 'Staggering backward several steps, he collapsed in a heap.')
--------
"Thanks, Jim. We got it from here." Detective Riley nodded in gratitude then turned to his men. His startled expression followed by a shouted warning got the men's attention. He pointed behind them the same time as the sound of muffled shots and a sharp inhuman cry filled the air. (Since some of the characters are dogs, it might be a good idea to find a word other than 'inhuman' to describe the man's anguished cry.)
--------
The cops spun around in time to see the remaining upright gang member. Unarmed, hands waving around as though possessed by demons, he gaped open-mouthed and paralyzed as his cohort wrestled with what looked like a snarling, slavering mass of snapping teeth. The growling had the quality and texture of fingernails on a blackboard. The man began to scream. (He's already screaming at the end of the last paragraph.)
---------
A blur really, no more than an optical illusion swished through the air, knocking Candace in one direction and her captor in another. (Inaccurate. It is not an illusion. Consider: 'A blur swished through the air, knocking Candace in one direction and her captor in another.') Cricket whirled, turning on the man as the woman hit the ground, slid across the lawn and rolled into some(cut 'some' insert 'the') shrubs. Candace slammed into the oleanders with a solid thud and lay still, moaning.
----------
Lenny found the body of(cut 'the body of') Andy Baker, bound and gagged, lying along the side of the house.
--------
Comment Written 09-Nov-2008
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2008
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Oh Freddie!
Oh, it's so good to see my mentor again! Wow, always such great ideas. I've copied them out and they're pasted on the editing cave walls. I can't wait to get started. And guess what? I'm bringing out Riding Blind again to finish. It's been sitting there long enough.
Hugs,
Annabelle
