Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 34 "Come Together"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
20 total reviews
Comment from sharon fallis
That ruskie thinks he will have a heart attack, what about mine. This suspense is killing me! Well, what can I say. You have out done yourself on this story. Where are the dogs. I'm worried for Candace and Andy. On to another chapter. Sharon
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2008
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That ruskie thinks he will have a heart attack, what about mine. This suspense is killing me! Well, what can I say. You have out done yourself on this story. Where are the dogs. I'm worried for Candace and Andy. On to another chapter. Sharon
Comment Written 03-Nov-2008
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2008
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LOL! What a darling review, Sharon. I always get a chuckle from you. And you're really on a roll, huh? I'm smiling all over.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
I am surely curious as to how you'll end this. It smells like near the end of the book, but Andy and Candace, as well as the Russians, seem to have nine lives. I enjoyed reading this, and I couldn't find anything to criticize.
Dave M
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2008
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Gayle,
I am surely curious as to how you'll end this. It smells like near the end of the book, but Andy and Candace, as well as the Russians, seem to have nine lives. I enjoyed reading this, and I couldn't find anything to criticize.
Dave M
Comment Written 02-Nov-2008
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2008
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Hey Dave, I'm having the devil's own time ending this book. I've just had to let it sit for a minute while I get the characters under control. I hope to start back on it this week.
Hugs and big thanks,
Gayle
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
what i liked most was the detective devices (lights sensors etc)and the way the chracters speak out the plan/plot so naturally in a conversation and yet manged to help tell the story. Solid writing, Gayle.
Stephy.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2008
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what i liked most was the detective devices (lights sensors etc)and the way the chracters speak out the plan/plot so naturally in a conversation and yet manged to help tell the story. Solid writing, Gayle.
Stephy.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2008
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Hey Stephy,
So good to see you again. Yes, I have to get this one finished. It's just crazy and I have to just get to it. I don't want it to end!
Wails!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Allezw2
Lady Gayle,
Oho! Hide and seek in the dark, with the threat real, if even seen, much less tagging the base first.
Who would have thought decorative lighting could pose such a threat to both the good and bad guys.
Both sides of the coin!
Nicely done!
Wayne
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2008
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Lady Gayle,
Oho! Hide and seek in the dark, with the threat real, if even seen, much less tagging the base first.
Who would have thought decorative lighting could pose such a threat to both the good and bad guys.
Both sides of the coin!
Nicely done!
Wayne
Comment Written 25-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2008
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Hey Wayne,
I'm going to work on the ms a bit more and try to describe the scene better. I'm having a heck of a time ending it. Gotta just sit down and DO IT! You know how hard that is!
Talk soon,
Huggers,
Gayle
Comment from RenieReader
Holy Mackeral! They're all going to run into each other and have a shoot out. You're moving this right along, Gayle, and I'm breathless trying to keep up with you and them. Pant pant pant! LOL. I can't wait to see what happens next. Great intrigue.
Hugs,
Renie
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2008
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Holy Mackeral! They're all going to run into each other and have a shoot out. You're moving this right along, Gayle, and I'm breathless trying to keep up with you and them. Pant pant pant! LOL. I can't wait to see what happens next. Great intrigue.
Hugs,
Renie
Comment Written 25-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2008
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Shoot out is right, Renie. Hope the right people get hit. Thanks so much for the great comments and your loyalty. It means so much to me.
Huggers,
Gayle
Comment from Sylvia Page
Had to rush off to attend to some chores, but my mind was on this. Here you are; I hope these notes will help.
They lengthened their strides, the goggles making the path clear. ["...the goggles making the path clear." This sounds a bit funny Gayle, consider restructuring this sentence. Gives me the impression that if I had those goggles it would cut and clear a path for me in a jungle, you need to qualify the statement.]
They stopped many times as they got their [bearings in the pitch black./ pitch black is also a substance and to rid of this confusion I would say ? pitch darkness?, just my thoughts Gayle ] They had just enough [residual glow]/ filtered light] from the police spotlights to see the taller shrubs and trees, but the low-lying bushes and exposed roots made walking difficult.
They continued across the lawn until they came to the fence, and noting the foliage along the edge had been trimmed, they turned and began the climb toward the road. [ and an easy place to get over the fence./ remove as the next sentence more or less repeats it] If necessary they could scale the chain link, but if they could find a gate between properties, so much the better.
Well-hidden in the silky [blackness/darkness] they made slow progress.
They dropped to their knees, gasping, [their] eyes frantic as they tried to locate what had set off the lights.
The men moved toward each other and [another puff of light set off yet another light came on to illuminate] an ornamental shrub.
The men dropped to the ground, successfully [setting off / lighting up] yet another little bush. Panting, they waited for their leader to say something.
He took several [more deep/ deeper], audible breaths
You are going faster than I can review. Going now to read your next chapter.
Sylvia
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2008
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Had to rush off to attend to some chores, but my mind was on this. Here you are; I hope these notes will help.
They lengthened their strides, the goggles making the path clear. ["...the goggles making the path clear." This sounds a bit funny Gayle, consider restructuring this sentence. Gives me the impression that if I had those goggles it would cut and clear a path for me in a jungle, you need to qualify the statement.]
They stopped many times as they got their [bearings in the pitch black./ pitch black is also a substance and to rid of this confusion I would say ? pitch darkness?, just my thoughts Gayle ] They had just enough [residual glow]/ filtered light] from the police spotlights to see the taller shrubs and trees, but the low-lying bushes and exposed roots made walking difficult.
They continued across the lawn until they came to the fence, and noting the foliage along the edge had been trimmed, they turned and began the climb toward the road. [ and an easy place to get over the fence./ remove as the next sentence more or less repeats it] If necessary they could scale the chain link, but if they could find a gate between properties, so much the better.
Well-hidden in the silky [blackness/darkness] they made slow progress.
They dropped to their knees, gasping, [their] eyes frantic as they tried to locate what had set off the lights.
The men moved toward each other and [another puff of light set off yet another light came on to illuminate] an ornamental shrub.
The men dropped to the ground, successfully [setting off / lighting up] yet another little bush. Panting, they waited for their leader to say something.
He took several [more deep/ deeper], audible breaths
You are going faster than I can review. Going now to read your next chapter.
Sylvia
Comment Written 25-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2008
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Hi sylvia,
Wow, thanks so much for the great edits/ideas. I really appreciate the time and effort, my friend, and I'll definitely check them out!
Hugs and big thanks,
Gayle
Comment from J.E. Brown
This is a great chapter. Very well written and flows nicely. Now the only thing I have to do is make the time to go back and read the rest.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2008
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This is a great chapter. Very well written and flows nicely. Now the only thing I have to do is make the time to go back and read the rest.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2008
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Hi J.E.
Well, I'm reading backwards here, you know how it goes. Well, when I submit the synopsis for Stalker...now named Cold Fusion, you'll know a bit about it!
Thanks for stopping by!
Best,
Gayle
Comment from davidray
Hi Dollface!
How are you doin'?
I enjoyed this number of yours. The storyline flowed beautifully, with a terrific blend of narration and dilogue. Very well done. Could almost feel the the nervousness and anxiety. Good for you!
Nothing major to mention, but did find a copuple things I wanted to ask you about:
-he clearly remembered the wide swath of grass that separated the road from the estate gate (clealry remembering the wide swath of grass seperating the road from the estate gate...)
-They stopped many times as they got their bearings in the pitch black. (They stopped many times to find their bearings in the pitch black.)
-they turned and began the climb toward the road and an easy place to get over the fence. (this is the ending to a long sentence, which is okay, but I'm wondering if you dropped the last two words 'the fence', it will obviously eliminate the repeating of the word 'fence'. Also, since you used the word earlier, we know what he'd be gettiong over, right?)
Continued fun in the sun and ... keep smiling!!
Hugs and then more hugs,
David xx
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2008
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Hi Dollface!
How are you doin'?
I enjoyed this number of yours. The storyline flowed beautifully, with a terrific blend of narration and dilogue. Very well done. Could almost feel the the nervousness and anxiety. Good for you!
Nothing major to mention, but did find a copuple things I wanted to ask you about:
-he clearly remembered the wide swath of grass that separated the road from the estate gate (clealry remembering the wide swath of grass seperating the road from the estate gate...)
-They stopped many times as they got their bearings in the pitch black. (They stopped many times to find their bearings in the pitch black.)
-they turned and began the climb toward the road and an easy place to get over the fence. (this is the ending to a long sentence, which is okay, but I'm wondering if you dropped the last two words 'the fence', it will obviously eliminate the repeating of the word 'fence'. Also, since you used the word earlier, we know what he'd be gettiong over, right?)
Continued fun in the sun and ... keep smiling!!
Hugs and then more hugs,
David xx
Comment Written 25-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2008
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Hey David,
I'm waiting for another chapter!!! Get going!
Those are great suggestions and I'll paste them out and make adjustments. You're such a cutie and I appreciate your time and everything you to to help me with my writing!
Have a super duper weekend,
Huggers!
Gayle
Comment from Kym Jade
This is getting exciting, the Russian pairs are plying follow the leader and setting off the lights. So glad they are not strong enough to blind Jim and Lenny. Maybe the dogs can do a good job and one of them can run through and set all the lights off.
Love and blessings.
Got the car fixed and have been out the last two days.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2008
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This is getting exciting, the Russian pairs are plying follow the leader and setting off the lights. So glad they are not strong enough to blind Jim and Lenny. Maybe the dogs can do a good job and one of them can run through and set all the lights off.
Love and blessings.
Got the car fixed and have been out the last two days.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2008
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Hi Girls,
Do you use these lights? Out here, since we never get snow or anything, people really decorate their yards. We did it on the farm to locate loose horses and also cause it was a riot. You should see the expression on the rabits' face the first time or two they come on. Then, it's like, ho hum.
Thanks so much and have a great weekend,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Celtic~Soul
Exciting section, Gayle. Everyone's coming together, look out! Big shoot out, the good clashes with evil, I can feel it comin'!
Okay, my thoughts:
a light blinked to life - for some reason this description seemed more like a nightlight than a security light or did youmeanit have be a softer light? Whack me if you did
contact, then - either:
contact, and then
OR
contact then
As unexpected as it came, it went. - took me a minute to decipher that this referred back to the light
like a black web - I dunno, webs are so filmy and open, mabye cloak?
the goggles making the path clear - must be too much exposure to cartoons, but this had me visualizing the goggles runing down the path and shoving things out of their way! OMG, I'm bad!
Unencumbered - sorry, I found myself asking why would he be cumbered? maybe it seemed like an odd word to go with a dog, maybe use Effortless or something with slight rephrasing?
Once out of sight of the sweeping lights, Green Eyes led them off the path and cut across - this came up rather sudden after the short look at Tony; Seems like this could use an indicator that this is back to the Russians at the house so the reader's tracking on the Green Eyes moniker again
toward the road and an easy place to - toward the road, searching for an easy place to - maybe?
If necessary they could scale the chain link, - POV is a bit loose in this section, this really seemed like the narrator
the loud demands to surrender - Sorry, when I first read this, loud was the noun and demands the verb! OMG, I must be fuzzy-headed from the gloomy weather!
the lights sweeping - first part of the sentence mentions the sounds of the cops, this clause at the end would indicate the lights are noisy!
Well hidden - Well-hidden
Well hidden in the silky blackness they made slow progress.
Several feet away, ... - When I hit this, I found myself asking a few questions, like: Green Eyes and the boys are at the other house already? Did they get there a good bit faster than everyone else with much less trouble? And Sergi and Anton were just standing in the same spot they were a bit ago? I'm re-reading maybe I missed something...okay, back, no that's the impression I got, maybe a bit more transition
puff of light set off an ornamental shrub - oh no, this had me thinking it blew up!
The whole recurrence of the motion detectors and lights left me scratching my head a bit, most of the time, when people have that, they have strategic detectors that turn on large floods to cover the whole yard, thus preventing anyone from having a dark corner to dart into. Unless things are different in Cali, I wouldn't think the ornamental shrub lights wuld be part of that. Does that makes sense? I know that this is all set up like this to keep them all sneaking and hidden from each other, it just seemed funny to me.
Okay, I know, you're thinking, a four? Usaully, if most of my comments are subjective, I stay with the five star, unless there's tons of SPAG issues, but as I read this one, I felt there were quite a number of tweaks needed to the narrative and story progression, and then there were a few sentence structure issues. Just seemed like maybe this one needed another one of your in-depth edits. Whack me if I'm loopy!
Good write, dear. Holding that tension and making us wait for more. I'm wondering if the good guys will all get out unscathed. Will you throw a curve at us and have someone get injured? Are the dogs gonna save the day? It's been a merry ride, but I sense the climax comin'! Nice job!
Duch' Dawn
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2008
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Exciting section, Gayle. Everyone's coming together, look out! Big shoot out, the good clashes with evil, I can feel it comin'!
Okay, my thoughts:
a light blinked to life - for some reason this description seemed more like a nightlight than a security light or did youmeanit have be a softer light? Whack me if you did
contact, then - either:
contact, and then
OR
contact then
As unexpected as it came, it went. - took me a minute to decipher that this referred back to the light
like a black web - I dunno, webs are so filmy and open, mabye cloak?
the goggles making the path clear - must be too much exposure to cartoons, but this had me visualizing the goggles runing down the path and shoving things out of their way! OMG, I'm bad!
Unencumbered - sorry, I found myself asking why would he be cumbered? maybe it seemed like an odd word to go with a dog, maybe use Effortless or something with slight rephrasing?
Once out of sight of the sweeping lights, Green Eyes led them off the path and cut across - this came up rather sudden after the short look at Tony; Seems like this could use an indicator that this is back to the Russians at the house so the reader's tracking on the Green Eyes moniker again
toward the road and an easy place to - toward the road, searching for an easy place to - maybe?
If necessary they could scale the chain link, - POV is a bit loose in this section, this really seemed like the narrator
the loud demands to surrender - Sorry, when I first read this, loud was the noun and demands the verb! OMG, I must be fuzzy-headed from the gloomy weather!
the lights sweeping - first part of the sentence mentions the sounds of the cops, this clause at the end would indicate the lights are noisy!
Well hidden - Well-hidden
Well hidden in the silky blackness they made slow progress.
Several feet away, ... - When I hit this, I found myself asking a few questions, like: Green Eyes and the boys are at the other house already? Did they get there a good bit faster than everyone else with much less trouble? And Sergi and Anton were just standing in the same spot they were a bit ago? I'm re-reading maybe I missed something...okay, back, no that's the impression I got, maybe a bit more transition
puff of light set off an ornamental shrub - oh no, this had me thinking it blew up!
The whole recurrence of the motion detectors and lights left me scratching my head a bit, most of the time, when people have that, they have strategic detectors that turn on large floods to cover the whole yard, thus preventing anyone from having a dark corner to dart into. Unless things are different in Cali, I wouldn't think the ornamental shrub lights wuld be part of that. Does that makes sense? I know that this is all set up like this to keep them all sneaking and hidden from each other, it just seemed funny to me.
Okay, I know, you're thinking, a four? Usaully, if most of my comments are subjective, I stay with the five star, unless there's tons of SPAG issues, but as I read this one, I felt there were quite a number of tweaks needed to the narrative and story progression, and then there were a few sentence structure issues. Just seemed like maybe this one needed another one of your in-depth edits. Whack me if I'm loopy!
Good write, dear. Holding that tension and making us wait for more. I'm wondering if the good guys will all get out unscathed. Will you throw a curve at us and have someone get injured? Are the dogs gonna save the day? It's been a merry ride, but I sense the climax comin'! Nice job!
Duch' Dawn
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2008
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Hey Duch,
Let me do the landscape lights first. Out here, people decorate their yards like they do their houses. I had this on the farm, more to locate escaping horses than intruders on two feet. You get these really difused bulbs, like twenty watts or something and they have these little sticks you fit them on and then you place them, most artfully, inside a bush or shrub. They're attached with thin wires and when something gets within four or five feet, they go off, usually they're on an 'off' timer, too, although not all. You're thinking of security lights posted on the garage door or something. No, different, usually in colors, I prefer either pink or yellow, although red is nice too. I guess I'll have to go into more detail about that, huh?
I think I'm just going so fast I can't keep up. I'm going to redo this chapter and make fixes. Thanks so much, Dawn, for the great eye and all that time!
Huggers,
Gayle
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I had a feeling it was more of a Cali thing. Round here, the shrubs and flowers are dead half the year, so who'd want to light them up? LOL Must be kind of cool having all the colored lights and having them pop on and off.
Yeah, I think just a bit more elaboration on that would orient the readers to that landscape lighting technique. It sounds like a real Cali thing to make the stuff pretty and functional! I think you covered the descriptions of it very well, maybe just need that bit of exposition to set up the purpose for the uninitiated reader. Good work, dear, for being entertaining and educational! God, I love that!
Hugs!
Dawn
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Oh, Dawn, it's gorgeous. Since we bloom year-round out here, people really decorate their landscape. Are you familiar with Pampas Grass? It can get quite tall, 12' or so, but most folks keep it to about 5' and you set one or two lights in there, depending on how fat around the bush is, and you point one going up, like up the trunk if it had one. The other lights up the ground. Man, it's like out of this world. The tips light up and usually there's a tiny breeze so they wave; the one on the ground lights up the thick part. I'll see if I can get a photo over to you!
Hey, if you get a minute, can you scan through again? I used some of your ideas and wanted your take.
Now, I think you missed when the first set of Ruskies...two of them, escaped. They got out before the light truck arrived, and they got to the house next door before Andy and Candace.
Green eyes, et al, got out the second time. I think you missed that chapter. Anyway, I'm tweaking the ms like crazy.
Thanks again, dear Duch. Oh, you have an email! :)
