Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "We're Out"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
28 total reviews
Comment from Sissy
Hey Gayle,
Again, very good chapter. Exciting! :) I think you do a good job of describing where Lenny and Jim are in the house, and the logistics of how it's set up, so us readers can visualize it.
Wonder if things will be as smooth as they were breaking in...
Some things to look at:
In addition to the six-man team Detective Reilly brought with him, (can kick 'with him')
"Son of a bitch. We don't work with gumshoes, man, you know that. What a bunch of shit. Can you call them out of there?" (I thought the 'gumshoes' was a bit old-school. Not sure. I would think there would be a stronger reaction from this guy. Consider it.)
Just then(+ ,) Pete's cell rang
Jim glanced around the garage, taking note of the contents(+ ,) which included the Lincoln, a riding lawnmower and a golf cart.
He could see little of the rest of the room and eased the door open, peering around the other side. (I picked this out, because you already have the door open at this point. Add 'a little further' or something along those lines.)
Lenny worked on cutting it open a
Andy worked at getting the door open.
(very similar phrasing here, Gayle.)
Lenny saw Candace first, raised a finger to his lips and hurried over to them. (Can kick 'to them'.)
Might want to make mention that Tony is with them, Gayle. Last you mention him, he is under the stairs.
That's it! Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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Hey Gayle,
Again, very good chapter. Exciting! :) I think you do a good job of describing where Lenny and Jim are in the house, and the logistics of how it's set up, so us readers can visualize it.
Wonder if things will be as smooth as they were breaking in...
Some things to look at:
In addition to the six-man team Detective Reilly brought with him, (can kick 'with him')
"Son of a bitch. We don't work with gumshoes, man, you know that. What a bunch of shit. Can you call them out of there?" (I thought the 'gumshoes' was a bit old-school. Not sure. I would think there would be a stronger reaction from this guy. Consider it.)
Just then(+ ,) Pete's cell rang
Jim glanced around the garage, taking note of the contents(+ ,) which included the Lincoln, a riding lawnmower and a golf cart.
He could see little of the rest of the room and eased the door open, peering around the other side. (I picked this out, because you already have the door open at this point. Add 'a little further' or something along those lines.)
Lenny worked on cutting it open a
Andy worked at getting the door open.
(very similar phrasing here, Gayle.)
Lenny saw Candace first, raised a finger to his lips and hurried over to them. (Can kick 'to them'.)
Might want to make mention that Tony is with them, Gayle. Last you mention him, he is under the stairs.
That's it! Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
Comment Written 22-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2008
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Hey Sissy,
Y'know, enough readers mentioned that..Tony under the stairs, that I'm going to fix that in the ms. Tell the truth, I forgot him! Bad Mommy!
I'll tweak all your ideas, Sissy, and again, thank you so much for reading along like this!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Korton
This is another excellent chapter Gayle. It looks like things are really starting to come together. I'm curious though, is Tony still inside under the stairs? Very well done.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2008
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This is another excellent chapter Gayle. It looks like things are really starting to come together. I'm curious though, is Tony still inside under the stairs? Very well done.
Comment Written 11-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2008
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Hey Frank,
I've had a couple of folks ask that, so I have to make it clear. Tony left with Jim, so they're all outside. Thanks for the R&R and your fine comments!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Good job, Gayle. I love it when the good guys outsmart the bad guys, for sure. Sorry I haven't been around for awhile but have been a little busy of late. Looking forward to see how you wrap this up.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2008
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Good job, Gayle. I love it when the good guys outsmart the bad guys, for sure. Sorry I haven't been around for awhile but have been a little busy of late. Looking forward to see how you wrap this up.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2008
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Hey Jan,
Thanks for the fine comments and your great rating. I'm glad you're back cause I always look forward to hearing from you.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from William Walz
Very exciting and suspenseful chapter. I've still yet to go back and read all the other chapters, but the procrastinator that I am, I don't know when that will happen. But this chapter really grabs one and doesn't let go. You build the suspense economically with just enough narrative to put the reader right there without anything to get in the way. The story moves at a great pace and leaves the reader begging for more. I was sorry to see this end. Can't wait to see what you do next.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2008
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Very exciting and suspenseful chapter. I've still yet to go back and read all the other chapters, but the procrastinator that I am, I don't know when that will happen. But this chapter really grabs one and doesn't let go. You build the suspense economically with just enough narrative to put the reader right there without anything to get in the way. The story moves at a great pace and leaves the reader begging for more. I was sorry to see this end. Can't wait to see what you do next.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2008
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Hey Bill, so good to see you. I can't thank you enough for the encouraging words and kind comments. It means so much to know that you're enjoying this chapter. Only a couple more left!
Thanks again,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Allezw2
Lady Gayle,
So the sneaky civs are doing it to the coppers and the other assorted constabularies that are rushing to the scene for God and glory, oh yes, and the victims.
Tony, what the aych eee dubble toothie picks is Tony up too? And the other two dogs.
All we see is Tony disappearing and the other one is not mentioned again after entering the kitchen.
Save Our Dogs!
Nicely done with a fine bit to grab the reader as the no-goodniks become aware of a certain anomaly.
Wayne
Wayne
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2008
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Lady Gayle,
So the sneaky civs are doing it to the coppers and the other assorted constabularies that are rushing to the scene for God and glory, oh yes, and the victims.
Tony, what the aych eee dubble toothie picks is Tony up too? And the other two dogs.
All we see is Tony disappearing and the other one is not mentioned again after entering the kitchen.
Save Our Dogs!
Nicely done with a fine bit to grab the reader as the no-goodniks become aware of a certain anomaly.
Wayne
Wayne
Comment Written 04-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2008
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Hey Wayne,
Well, Amy is with Ella. They've missed most of the action so far. Now Cricket is virtually pasted to Lenny's thigh and Tony knows the ropes! This is just a part of a large chapter that I had to break up.
Thanks so much for the great comments and stars,
Hugs,
Gayle
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Dang it, Lady!
Tony never came out of the dark hole he was sent down and there was never a word of his retrieval!
You can't do this! What would the SPCA and Mothers Against Dog Drubbers think?
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Now you know Jim has signals and stuff! We'll see what happens in the next part of that chapter! Fear not, all is well!
LOL!
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You da' boss!
Comment from Sylvia Page
I did not want to miss this one. Been quite busy. I read this earlier but could not leave a review. No mistakes. My heart was in my mouth expecting the Ruskies to come in any minute. Looks like action ahead.
Sylvia
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2008
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I did not want to miss this one. Been quite busy. I read this earlier but could not leave a review. No mistakes. My heart was in my mouth expecting the Ruskies to come in any minute. Looks like action ahead.
Sylvia
Comment Written 03-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2008
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Hi Sylvia,
Thanks so much for the fine review. I really appreciate your comments and support.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from rmdelta
very well written, excellent dialogue, and well carried out between characters. This is very fast moving, entertaining and enjoyable.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2008
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very well written, excellent dialogue, and well carried out between characters. This is very fast moving, entertaining and enjoyable.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2008
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Hi rmdelta, so nice to see a new reader. Thank you so much for the wonderful comments.
Best,
Gayle
Comment from Domino
Hi, Gayle.
Scene set in datail os the security around the property. Tense atmosphere and personality of the swat team leader (?name, unless I've missed it)
'The monitor flickered black and white, throwing shadows on the walls' - good detail
Jim popped his head out the exterior door, took in the quiet darkness and said to Andy, "Take that trail all the -' not sure about the speach tag, any other way of phrasing it??
Short, sweet, gripping and to the point, Gayle.
Good hook at the end to let us know they're not home free yet.
Best wishes, Ray xx
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reply by the author on 29-Sep-2008
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Hi, Gayle.
Scene set in datail os the security around the property. Tense atmosphere and personality of the swat team leader (?name, unless I've missed it)
'The monitor flickered black and white, throwing shadows on the walls' - good detail
Jim popped his head out the exterior door, took in the quiet darkness and said to Andy, "Take that trail all the -' not sure about the speach tag, any other way of phrasing it??
Short, sweet, gripping and to the point, Gayle.
Good hook at the end to let us know they're not home free yet.
Best wishes, Ray xx
.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2008
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Hey Ray,
I knew you'd like that this one is sort. Actually, the chapter is over 3K words and I'd never do that to my FS readers.
I didn't give the SWAT guy a name, as we'll never see him again. And, oh yes, we're not home yet. Not by a long shot. But it sure is fun to write.
Thanks for the fine comments and your loyal support!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Norbanus
This is moving along great, Annabelle. The character interaction is just super. That is a good visual of Andy removing the hinge pin.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2008
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This is moving along great, Annabelle. The character interaction is just super. That is a good visual of Andy removing the hinge pin.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2008
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Freddie! Oh, your edits were so helpful and I think it all flows so much better now. Thank you dear friend. You are more appreciated than you'll ever know.
Hugs,
Annabelle
Comment from butterflykiss
We are winding down aren't we. We got them out safe, now we've got to get away from here and fast. Those Russians mean business and I don't want to comply.
Thanks for sharing this very exciting book with me. I've enjoyed every bit of it.
Butterflykiss
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2008
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We are winding down aren't we. We got them out safe, now we've got to get away from here and fast. Those Russians mean business and I don't want to comply.
Thanks for sharing this very exciting book with me. I've enjoyed every bit of it.
Butterflykiss
Comment Written 28-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2008
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Hello Jane, so good to see you! Yep, they mean business and they'd rather kill Andy than let him escape with his secret formula.
Much more to come in this one, couple more chapters! Hang in there!
Hugs,
Gayle
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Hello Gayle,
You're welcome. I'm looking foreward to the rest of your story, and how they solve this mystery.
Butterflykiss
