First Dance, First Chance
First impressions can be wrong21 total reviews
Comment from fullmoon924567
I really liked it. And ending like that seems as though you are making a sequel. I would love to read that too. I also thought that the story really flowed.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2009
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I really liked it. And ending like that seems as though you are making a sequel. I would love to read that too. I also thought that the story really flowed.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2009
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Thank you, fullmoon. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I've had no inspiration to continue, but you never know.
Comment from gloria0009
The author knew how to take you deep in the story, almost as if you were there. The romance between these two characters was indeed enticing. However, you wished that the dance would have lasted longer.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
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reply by the author on 06-Dec-2008
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The author knew how to take you deep in the story, almost as if you were there. The romance between these two characters was indeed enticing. However, you wished that the dance would have lasted longer.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2008
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Thank you, gloria. Since a 4 means "needs adjustments", would you please tell me where it needs improvement? I can't grow as a writer without detailed critiques.
Comment from BarnCat
Hey Red -- don't know how I missed this one, but glad I found it. Your take on the contest is reality at its realist LOL. I dialog is totally age and setting appropriate. Your narrative pops and sizzles with the perfect balance between build up and let down. They dance about verbally on the dancefloor. Nice. Always a pleasure to read your work. On the closing lines, I might take off the "would start soon," and leave it at Round Two. Great stuff -- are you sending any of your work out into the real world? DBL
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2008
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Hey Red -- don't know how I missed this one, but glad I found it. Your take on the contest is reality at its realist LOL. I dialog is totally age and setting appropriate. Your narrative pops and sizzles with the perfect balance between build up and let down. They dance about verbally on the dancefloor. Nice. Always a pleasure to read your work. On the closing lines, I might take off the "would start soon," and leave it at Round Two. Great stuff -- are you sending any of your work out into the real world? DBL
Comment Written 26-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2008
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Wow, thank you so much for the great review and the generous six! I haven't got around to sending anything out, though I have a Writer's Market membership. I think I'm going to start with magazines. Thank you for the lovely compliment.
Comment from NinaC
Write more! Your technique is amazing and your stroy is relatable. Many people go clubbing and many fall in love there unlike the random fiction where battles rage about in the sky. I loved it and the romance, its my kind of thing and you seem to be my kind of writer.
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2008
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Write more! Your technique is amazing and your stroy is relatable. Many people go clubbing and many fall in love there unlike the random fiction where battles rage about in the sky. I loved it and the romance, its my kind of thing and you seem to be my kind of writer.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2008
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Wow, thanks so much for the enthusiastic review and the sweet compliment.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I enjoyed your story and it seems to have fit the requirements for the contest. Your characters were well developed. I also liked the descriptions you used. The only problem I found was the following sentence; I feel it would read better if it was split into at least two sentences. She wasn?t the prettiest girl in the club, she wasn?t even the prettiest one at her table, but there was something about her that had held my attention since I first noticed her. I
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2008
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I enjoyed your story and it seems to have fit the requirements for the contest. Your characters were well developed. I also liked the descriptions you used. The only problem I found was the following sentence; I feel it would read better if it was split into at least two sentences. She wasn?t the prettiest girl in the club, she wasn?t even the prettiest one at her table, but there was something about her that had held my attention since I first noticed her. I
Comment Written 21-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2008
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Thank you, barbara. You're right, that is a good idea.
Comment from Korton
Excellent story, Red. This story is very true to life and the games that people play during the mating ritual are great fodder for stories. Very well done.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2008
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Excellent story, Red. This story is very true to life and the games that people play during the mating ritual are great fodder for stories. Very well done.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2008
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Thank you very much, Korton.
Comment from theartfuldodger
One of her girlfriends caught the exchange and leaned close to whisper something. Her eyes darted to me, then dropped to her drink as she spoke and shook her head. It was time to make my move.
Hi, you writer, you. I love the interplay of dynamics here. The picture you paint is so vividly real and spot on, beginning with,'One of her girlfriends caught the exchange,' and I see it like it's an impressionist painting, and also see it through his eyes, as that split second informs him of his opportunity.
Really nice.
As I approached their table, her friends leaned together for a giggly exchange while my quarry looked like she wanted to disappear. I managed to tone down my grin to a polite smile
This is wonderful, and reminds me of exactly the same tactics a cowboy astride his cutting horse close in on the small vulnerable herd, eyes on the finest prize. You're going to take them into a dance now, aren't you? Wait. I gotta get back to this story.
Ladies, I said, my eyes touching briefly on each of them before settling on her. They smiled and murmured greetings. ?Would you like to dance??
Sensual. Sensual. Sensual.
My ego swelled, but then she punctured it.
I don?t dance.
YES! Timing and imagery are perfect. You sly fox, red!
Turning her smoothly into my arms, I put my hands on her waist. Intensely aware of the light pressure of her hands on my shoulders, I started moving to the beat and she followed my lead.
Just beautiful, red, beautiful and full of class.
My excitement jumped a few notches.
No more hard cider before bed for you.
She chuckled softly
uh-oh.
causing me to adjust my original opinion of her
you keep coming in with these marvelous almost subliminal messages.
A dimple appeared near the left corner of her full mouth and she lifted a shoulder. ?Sorry. Too many first dates.?
Now see here? This is another one of your classic sentences, which come now at point blank range. Your voice is powerful, wise, awesome and bold. Girl, you're Good!
Her hands slid up my shoulders and touched my neck, sending my pulse into overdrive. My jeans were suddenly too snug for comfort.
It feels like all of his clothes were.
As Bette Davis said,
"Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night."
"It ain?t over yet."
"Don't worry, the night isn't even close to over yet."
Wowee!Wowee!Wowee!Wowee!
Best story I've read in donkeys' years. I don't know how long 'donkeys' years is, but it's got to be, well, ummmm, you know, long.
Way to fly,
With blessings for all that is good,
Jo
.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2008
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One of her girlfriends caught the exchange and leaned close to whisper something. Her eyes darted to me, then dropped to her drink as she spoke and shook her head. It was time to make my move.
Hi, you writer, you. I love the interplay of dynamics here. The picture you paint is so vividly real and spot on, beginning with,'One of her girlfriends caught the exchange,' and I see it like it's an impressionist painting, and also see it through his eyes, as that split second informs him of his opportunity.
Really nice.
As I approached their table, her friends leaned together for a giggly exchange while my quarry looked like she wanted to disappear. I managed to tone down my grin to a polite smile
This is wonderful, and reminds me of exactly the same tactics a cowboy astride his cutting horse close in on the small vulnerable herd, eyes on the finest prize. You're going to take them into a dance now, aren't you? Wait. I gotta get back to this story.
Ladies, I said, my eyes touching briefly on each of them before settling on her. They smiled and murmured greetings. ?Would you like to dance??
Sensual. Sensual. Sensual.
My ego swelled, but then she punctured it.
I don?t dance.
YES! Timing and imagery are perfect. You sly fox, red!
Turning her smoothly into my arms, I put my hands on her waist. Intensely aware of the light pressure of her hands on my shoulders, I started moving to the beat and she followed my lead.
Just beautiful, red, beautiful and full of class.
My excitement jumped a few notches.
No more hard cider before bed for you.
She chuckled softly
uh-oh.
causing me to adjust my original opinion of her
you keep coming in with these marvelous almost subliminal messages.
A dimple appeared near the left corner of her full mouth and she lifted a shoulder. ?Sorry. Too many first dates.?
Now see here? This is another one of your classic sentences, which come now at point blank range. Your voice is powerful, wise, awesome and bold. Girl, you're Good!
Her hands slid up my shoulders and touched my neck, sending my pulse into overdrive. My jeans were suddenly too snug for comfort.
It feels like all of his clothes were.
As Bette Davis said,
"Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night."
"It ain?t over yet."
"Don't worry, the night isn't even close to over yet."
Wowee!Wowee!Wowee!Wowee!
Best story I've read in donkeys' years. I don't know how long 'donkeys' years is, but it's got to be, well, ummmm, you know, long.
Way to fly,
With blessings for all that is good,
Jo
.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2008
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Wow, another six from the redoubtable dodger! Thank you so much for the deep, encouraging review, Jo. You're a peach!
Comment from dkneale
"The contest required a first dance in which the guy has a hard-on, showing how the characters react and their subsequent talk with their friends."
You managed to capture these points very well...my only question? Are you going to write a "Round Two"? DLK
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2008
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"The contest required a first dance in which the guy has a hard-on, showing how the characters react and their subsequent talk with their friends."
You managed to capture these points very well...my only question? Are you going to write a "Round Two"? DLK
Comment Written 21-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2008
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Thank you, DLK. I'm afraid I haven't been inspired to write Round 2--yet.
Comment from empire76
Well, I think you use the prompt really well. The story has a fun tone to it. And it flows at a good pace. I like the internal thoughts where Jenna is concerned. It speaks very much to her character.
Empi
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2008
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Well, I think you use the prompt really well. The story has a fun tone to it. And it flows at a good pace. I like the internal thoughts where Jenna is concerned. It speaks very much to her character.
Empi
Comment Written 21-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2008
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Thank you, Empi, glad you liked it.
Comment from babylonia
very nicely done. yeah, the night isn't over yet. LOL made me smile. made me laugh. easy to read and follow. no spaggies do i see. imagery is excellent. definitely a good one. keep up the good work~
good luck~
love,
babylonia
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2008
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very nicely done. yeah, the night isn't over yet. LOL made me smile. made me laugh. easy to read and follow. no spaggies do i see. imagery is excellent. definitely a good one. keep up the good work~
good luck~
love,
babylonia
Comment Written 21-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2008
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Thank you so much, babylonia.
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you are very welcome~
love,
babylonia
