Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "The Chase"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
22 total reviews
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
getting closer ,we are ,Teacher. I am sure glad the dog is obedient. a act of disobedience will cause her life. the police has to make decisions like that, I understand.You captured everyone's emotions well.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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getting closer ,we are ,Teacher. I am sure glad the dog is obedient. a act of disobedience will cause her life. the police has to make decisions like that, I understand.You captured everyone's emotions well.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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Hi Stephy,
Yes, the dogs have to do exactly what they're trained to do or we can have a big problem. I can't thank you enough for your support and loyalty. It is so appreciated!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Celtic~Soul
Whew, damnit, girl, I need a drink! Vile gang members hot after the girls, snarling houds, damn, what a chapter! Can you say action? You're the queen, baby! Characters stayed true and the story moved.
Okay, my observations:
Jim said, staring at Lenny as he talked to Ella on the cell. - you may want to look at this again, I got to thinking Lenny was on the phone with Ella and Jim was talking to Lenny...or was it me? Maybe the unclear pronoun (he)
shadows tagging them - wasn't sure about this; I didn't decipher the meaning until I read the next line about the dogs.
from the sole remaining intact streetlight - a lone streetlight
old Detroit battleship - OMG, loved this!
besides the van then edged sideways into the slot ahead, partially blocking the Jag - beside, no s; also not sure about the car edging sideways, made a goofy image for me, maybe just 'edged into the slot' without the sideways?
five of the passengers - watch wordiness, don't need 'of the' here
the ridge of fur along her spine grew to bristles as her - her hackles rose from a slight ruffle to a sharp ridge as her... - don't fall into explaining everything, if there's a word for something, go ahead and use it, if a reader isn't sure about it, it encourages them to go look it up! LOL
and pursued them - and peeled out after them - gives it more umph don't you think?
Furious at having been fleeced by a couple of white girls - wait, no, this is a POV shift, when you were in the car with their dialogue it wasn't too abrupt, but this one struck me...I'm wondering tho', since these guys are just in-the-moment characters if you should play the whole scene from the girls' view? Skip the gang member dialogue. Add lots more drama that way...as they drive up to the Jag and jump out, etc.
floored the car. - either floored it, or put us tigher in the moment: jammed her designer pump against the peddle until it met bottom.
Such exhibition of excessive speed and driving expertise is a common occurrence on LA streets - this is a great line, but it's you the narrator and it yanked me out of the tense moment of the chase!
Now what back to you - I know where you were going with this, but it threw me a bit, maybe, uhhhh, a comma or two is needed? (Dawn ducks from Gayle's swinging fist)
and made an executive decision - this is sort of hanging here at the end of the sentence
right in front of a really pissed off cop... - these lines would be his POV
by a fellow traveler in a Buick that already suffered from serious frame damage - by a hulking Buick. - it's night, the girls are driving fast, at best they'd get to see/know the make of the car
gave up the ghost - watch the cliches, a touch here and there is okay, but too many and they stand right out
Cars of such dubious value were easily replaced. They bailed. - again the narrator intruding, I think. I'd just go back up to the previous paragraph and say, maybe: Men climbed from both vehicles and mingled in the street rubbing their necks and waving their fists at each other. - or something like that, mayb less corny!
the cruiser - police cruiser, so we remember who it is?
In unison, all three light racks began - when did the approaching cop get back in his car?
Edge of the seta, stuff! Good work, Countess! I'll be reading more soon!
Mwah!
Duch'
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2008
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Whew, damnit, girl, I need a drink! Vile gang members hot after the girls, snarling houds, damn, what a chapter! Can you say action? You're the queen, baby! Characters stayed true and the story moved.
Okay, my observations:
Jim said, staring at Lenny as he talked to Ella on the cell. - you may want to look at this again, I got to thinking Lenny was on the phone with Ella and Jim was talking to Lenny...or was it me? Maybe the unclear pronoun (he)
shadows tagging them - wasn't sure about this; I didn't decipher the meaning until I read the next line about the dogs.
from the sole remaining intact streetlight - a lone streetlight
old Detroit battleship - OMG, loved this!
besides the van then edged sideways into the slot ahead, partially blocking the Jag - beside, no s; also not sure about the car edging sideways, made a goofy image for me, maybe just 'edged into the slot' without the sideways?
five of the passengers - watch wordiness, don't need 'of the' here
the ridge of fur along her spine grew to bristles as her - her hackles rose from a slight ruffle to a sharp ridge as her... - don't fall into explaining everything, if there's a word for something, go ahead and use it, if a reader isn't sure about it, it encourages them to go look it up! LOL
and pursued them - and peeled out after them - gives it more umph don't you think?
Furious at having been fleeced by a couple of white girls - wait, no, this is a POV shift, when you were in the car with their dialogue it wasn't too abrupt, but this one struck me...I'm wondering tho', since these guys are just in-the-moment characters if you should play the whole scene from the girls' view? Skip the gang member dialogue. Add lots more drama that way...as they drive up to the Jag and jump out, etc.
floored the car. - either floored it, or put us tigher in the moment: jammed her designer pump against the peddle until it met bottom.
Such exhibition of excessive speed and driving expertise is a common occurrence on LA streets - this is a great line, but it's you the narrator and it yanked me out of the tense moment of the chase!
Now what back to you - I know where you were going with this, but it threw me a bit, maybe, uhhhh, a comma or two is needed? (Dawn ducks from Gayle's swinging fist)
and made an executive decision - this is sort of hanging here at the end of the sentence
right in front of a really pissed off cop... - these lines would be his POV
by a fellow traveler in a Buick that already suffered from serious frame damage - by a hulking Buick. - it's night, the girls are driving fast, at best they'd get to see/know the make of the car
gave up the ghost - watch the cliches, a touch here and there is okay, but too many and they stand right out
Cars of such dubious value were easily replaced. They bailed. - again the narrator intruding, I think. I'd just go back up to the previous paragraph and say, maybe: Men climbed from both vehicles and mingled in the street rubbing their necks and waving their fists at each other. - or something like that, mayb less corny!
the cruiser - police cruiser, so we remember who it is?
In unison, all three light racks began - when did the approaching cop get back in his car?
Edge of the seta, stuff! Good work, Countess! I'll be reading more soon!
Mwah!
Duch'
Comment Written 10-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2008
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Hey Duch,
Thanks so much for the R&R. That POV thing and my omniscient narrator got me again, huh? I don't know about you, but I get to know my characters so well, I tend to be carried away believing everyone else knows them too. Then, there's the times when they just won't behave!
I've printed out your review and will shortly retire to the editing cave to consider your words. I cannot do any major editing on FS, so it often seems like advice is ignored..au contrare, you'll see when the book comes out!
Hey, love ya, Duch, and can't thank you enough for all the time and effort!
Hugs
Cali Countess
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Gotcha on the charactrs taking over. Little devils! I've got one guy coming up against Rhia, he's written himself, all the way down to his obnoxious cologne!
The POV shift didn't bother me a lot until that part I pointed out, then I got to thinking, do we need to be in these guys' heads? Hope the four wasn't too painful! I'm trying really hard to be consistent in my grades based on how many nits I pick. You're plotting and characters are so good, it pains me to click anything less than a five!
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Oh, my dear, you know how I crave your input. I want my stuff to be the best it can be and if you have anything to share, any tidbit, I want to hear it.
As for the cologne, what a riot.
CC
Comment from sharon fallis
What fantastic action. I can't help it, but your writing gets better and better. Gayl, this probably is the best you've done. You really draw the reader right into the intrigue. I almost bumped my head on the computer when that Jag backed up. What reality!! Sharon
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2008
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What fantastic action. I can't help it, but your writing gets better and better. Gayl, this probably is the best you've done. You really draw the reader right into the intrigue. I almost bumped my head on the computer when that Jag backed up. What reality!! Sharon
Comment Written 09-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2008
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Hey Sharon,
I love this one, too. Poor Amy! Yeah, this book is super to write, I'm really engaged. I'm so glad you liked it!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
THis is a very fast paced chapter. The car chase was excellent. I enjoyed it a great deal. Now, wouldn't the firt thing out of her mouth, beside down Amy, be to tell the officer about the almost car jacking?
Hugs
book
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2008
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THis is a very fast paced chapter. The car chase was excellent. I enjoyed it a great deal. Now, wouldn't the firt thing out of her mouth, beside down Amy, be to tell the officer about the almost car jacking?
Hugs
book
Comment Written 02-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2008
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Hi Heidi,
I loved this chapter...actually the second half is coming in a bit, and will answer your questions.
Poor Ames!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Sometimes you just got to show the tough guys what's under the hood, don't you? After all, one doesn't buy a Jag just for its looks, si? Bet those boys think twice before they decide to pick on a couple of girls minding their own business. I feel sorry for the next perp Amy goes after. She's got some serious frustration to work out of her system. Doesn't the Jag come equipped with proper Dog seats?
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2008
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Sometimes you just got to show the tough guys what's under the hood, don't you? After all, one doesn't buy a Jag just for its looks, si? Bet those boys think twice before they decide to pick on a couple of girls minding their own business. I feel sorry for the next perp Amy goes after. She's got some serious frustration to work out of her system. Doesn't the Jag come equipped with proper Dog seats?
Comment Written 31-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2008
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LOL! Jan, most of the time, Terry drives like a lady, sometimes too fast, but none of the cowboy stuff. On the other hand, when you need it, it's nice to know there's an eight inch gap between the bottom of the accellerator and the floor!
And poor Amy! I agree, and you're going to love the final chapter when she gets her chance to even the score!
Thanks so much for the grins and the great comments!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Allezw2
Lady jGayle,
Uh huh.
At least there was room to maneuver.
Nothing like Coventry V-12 zip.
Lucky I'd say.
Oh well, it's a neat story so far and the two guys and dogs are haivng gun.
Why is it we have all of the girls together and all of the boys segregated, too?
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2008
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Lady jGayle,
Uh huh.
At least there was room to maneuver.
Nothing like Coventry V-12 zip.
Lucky I'd say.
Oh well, it's a neat story so far and the two guys and dogs are haivng gun.
Why is it we have all of the girls together and all of the boys segregated, too?
Comment Written 31-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2008
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LOL! After all these years, the other day Jeff says to me, "What's the S on the console for?" It was an innocent enough question, to be sure, and one for which I had no answer...so we tried it. Left our hair in the back seat! Man!
Okay, the separation? Well, Jim has Tony, Lenny has Cricket and Ella has Amy.
All poor Terry has is the Jag. So since we're on a stakeout, I figured I'd keep the girls together. LOL
Thanks so much, Wayne, always love your reviews!
Hugs,
Gayle
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Still sounds like a gender separation.
Comment from davidray
Another excellent piece, Gayle. I am really enjoying this. Full of liufe and energy.
Two thumbs up.
One thing I wanted to mention, just one:
-Having no desire to engage with the cops, the boys from the 'hood immediately gave up the chase (Close to sounding like a POV shift. What do you think? Maybe if you just wrote something like: Glancing behind, they (or whoever!) saw the boys from the 'hood give up the chase.' Then you can lead to the terrific narration of the rest of the paragraph.)
Great work.
Hugs,
David xx
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2008
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Another excellent piece, Gayle. I am really enjoying this. Full of liufe and energy.
Two thumbs up.
One thing I wanted to mention, just one:
-Having no desire to engage with the cops, the boys from the 'hood immediately gave up the chase (Close to sounding like a POV shift. What do you think? Maybe if you just wrote something like: Glancing behind, they (or whoever!) saw the boys from the 'hood give up the chase.' Then you can lead to the terrific narration of the rest of the paragraph.)
Great work.
Hugs,
David xx
Comment Written 30-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2008
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Hey David,
Great to see you again and thanks so much for the comments. Now, about that POV thingy...my nemesis. In this instance, I thought I was in omniscient narrator, just filling in the pan and scan. Hmmm, let me get working on that par.
Thanks and big hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
You must've had a lot of fun writing this chapter, and I certainly chuckled as I read it. An editor might advise you to tone it down a bit, but I loved it. Here's my favorite line: "Cars of such dubious value were easily replaced. They bailed."
I have a few suggestions:
"On edge since their arrival, the ridge of fur along her spine grew to bristles as her snarling increased in volume." This is a dangling participle. Amy, not her fur, was on edge.
"Having no desire to engage with the cops, the boys from the 'hood {immediately} gave up the chase." I don't think the word "immediately" is needed. The fact that they slammed on the brakes and were rear-ended says it all.
"{In response to the first call and} considering the area, it wasn't strange to see three more cruisers pull alongside the Jag." I think the first words, in braces, could be deleted.
Dave M
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2008
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Gayle,
You must've had a lot of fun writing this chapter, and I certainly chuckled as I read it. An editor might advise you to tone it down a bit, but I loved it. Here's my favorite line: "Cars of such dubious value were easily replaced. They bailed."
I have a few suggestions:
"On edge since their arrival, the ridge of fur along her spine grew to bristles as her snarling increased in volume." This is a dangling participle. Amy, not her fur, was on edge.
"Having no desire to engage with the cops, the boys from the 'hood {immediately} gave up the chase." I don't think the word "immediately" is needed. The fact that they slammed on the brakes and were rear-ended says it all.
"{In response to the first call and} considering the area, it wasn't strange to see three more cruisers pull alongside the Jag." I think the first words, in braces, could be deleted.
Dave M
Comment Written 29-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2008
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Hi Dave,
Yes, I did have fun with this one. I had a clear view in my minds eye and just went as it came!
Let me check those out. Especially the ... 'in response' idea. Good one, eagle eye!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from butterflykiss
Boy this was the first time a cop was around when needed, now if we can just get him to believe that we need his help, without going to jail first.
This is getting good,
Butterflykiss
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2008
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Boy this was the first time a cop was around when needed, now if we can just get him to believe that we need his help, without going to jail first.
This is getting good,
Butterflykiss
Comment Written 29-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2008
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Hi there, you've got me laughing, Jane. You had me laughing about the cop, always a first time, huh?
Thanks so much for the great comments and R&R!
Hugs,
Gayle
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Hello Gayle,
You're welcome, I was talking from experience, they're never around when I need one. I enjoyed it sure hope the girls have better luck with the cops than I ever have. I always ended up with a big fat ticket.
Butterflykiss
Comment from Sylvia Page
I'd just have called them in the first place. I want you girls alert ...{ all ...meaning the two girls and Amy right?} of you."
Poor Amy, got the worst of Terry's splendid bit of driving. Good imagery there. Could feel the speed and the sudden braking. This must have put them back a bit.
Good work Gayle, you are fantastic. Your speed matches the car! LOL :)
Sylvia
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2008
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I'd just have called them in the first place. I want you girls alert ...{ all ...meaning the two girls and Amy right?} of you."
Poor Amy, got the worst of Terry's splendid bit of driving. Good imagery there. Could feel the speed and the sudden braking. This must have put them back a bit.
Good work Gayle, you are fantastic. Your speed matches the car! LOL :)
Sylvia
Comment Written 29-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2008
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Hey Sylvia,
Well, of course, Amy is one of the girls! LOL! And I imagine she's sulking right about now. Hope Ella gives her a special steak treat.
Thank you so much for the wonderful commens, Sylvia. I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear you say things like that!
Hugs,
Gayle
