Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "Run!"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
20 total reviews
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
Gayle, I suggest you try,"How about Stinking Comrade" . It may be better a F-word. I have stop cursing since you told me you wanted to avoid it.So here's my humble suggestion, dear teacher.
Hugs
Stephy.
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2008
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Gayle, I suggest you try,"How about Stinking Comrade" . It may be better a F-word. I have stop cursing since you told me you wanted to avoid it.So here's my humble suggestion, dear teacher.
Hugs
Stephy.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2008
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Hi Stephy,
You know, I try so hard not to use the 'f' word, but I swear, I typed every word else I could think of and they just didn't do it. I suppose the teacher admits to an exception to the rule. It's the only time in the whole book where I couldn't find another word to substitute. But you keep it clean! :)
and thank you so much for the read and your comments.
Huggers,
Gayle
Comment from sharon fallis
The men glanced at each (another) for a moment.........
Screw you. Comrade... Would of sounded a little better.
The read is great, only a couple minor errors, and you can fix those. Keep up the good work. I'm getting close to catching up with these, then will have to go read the first ones I have missed. Sharon
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2008
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The men glanced at each (another) for a moment.........
Screw you. Comrade... Would of sounded a little better.
The read is great, only a couple minor errors, and you can fix those. Keep up the good work. I'm getting close to catching up with these, then will have to go read the first ones I have missed. Sharon
Comment Written 09-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2008
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Hi Sharon,
Sorry about that. I'll check through the chapter again and polish it up.
Thanks for the great read and your stamina! You go, girl,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Celtic~Soul
Hi doll-baby! Bet you haven't been called that in years! LOL Intense chapter. So now we know what happened to handy Andy. At least he knows where Candace is...now HOW is she?...dum-de-dum-dum...
Okay, suggestions...here goes:
Single file, the kidnappers wound their way through the woods, moving with speed and familiarity, all except Andy, who stumbled often and verged on passing out. - I had a little trouble picking up here. It's such a transiton from the last chapter, new POV, new location, and then you start with two words and a comma that doesn't really place the chapter. What about:
The kidnappers led Andy through the woods, winding their way with speed and familiarity. Woozy and hurting, Andy stumbled often, and nearly passed out.
past telling - beyond telling
Things hadn't changed so much and he knew they were in the general neighborhood. - The area hadn't changed much since then; Andy recognized the neighborhood immediately.
bloody lip which continued to seep down - did his lip seep down his chin? tee-hee
Sure he would - Convinced he would
Without a word, the men surrounded him and started off at - you're coming out of the flashback here, I'd put a 'had' after men
down the street a short ways - where'd the street come from? had trouble visualizing, they were in the woods, crossed the main road...
sprawling bi-level house - okay, this might be me and my distaste for bi-levels, but I hitched a little on imaginging one being sprawling with those steps going up and down inside the front door
behind what one could only presume were locked glass cabinets - I think locked glass cabinets would be visually obvious, he could perhaps speculate tho' whether or not it was actually locked, show him already starting to plot
bottom of the room - not familiar with this phrase, maybe to his right or left would be better?
terse and confrontational - let his words tell us this!
My daughter is in protective custody - oh no, a big faux pas for the brainy scientist? Would he really tell lthem anything about his daughter?
She came close to death twice. - this seems a bit much. Did they have to take her to the ER? Do CPR?
took two deep breaths and straightened up - Andy bent over double. Gasping for air, he forced himself to straighten and glared at the Russian. He smooched the air. "Fuck you, comrade."
BTW, I loved the vulgarity of that last phrase. It fits perfectly and if you're going to do this up right you have to let it get a little gritty. Good job!
I'll keep trying to read when I can. Maybe catch up with ya later in a PM. Glad you survived the Frolicking forum!
Huggies from Duch' to Countess!
:-)
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2008
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Hi doll-baby! Bet you haven't been called that in years! LOL Intense chapter. So now we know what happened to handy Andy. At least he knows where Candace is...now HOW is she?...dum-de-dum-dum...
Okay, suggestions...here goes:
Single file, the kidnappers wound their way through the woods, moving with speed and familiarity, all except Andy, who stumbled often and verged on passing out. - I had a little trouble picking up here. It's such a transiton from the last chapter, new POV, new location, and then you start with two words and a comma that doesn't really place the chapter. What about:
The kidnappers led Andy through the woods, winding their way with speed and familiarity. Woozy and hurting, Andy stumbled often, and nearly passed out.
past telling - beyond telling
Things hadn't changed so much and he knew they were in the general neighborhood. - The area hadn't changed much since then; Andy recognized the neighborhood immediately.
bloody lip which continued to seep down - did his lip seep down his chin? tee-hee
Sure he would - Convinced he would
Without a word, the men surrounded him and started off at - you're coming out of the flashback here, I'd put a 'had' after men
down the street a short ways - where'd the street come from? had trouble visualizing, they were in the woods, crossed the main road...
sprawling bi-level house - okay, this might be me and my distaste for bi-levels, but I hitched a little on imaginging one being sprawling with those steps going up and down inside the front door
behind what one could only presume were locked glass cabinets - I think locked glass cabinets would be visually obvious, he could perhaps speculate tho' whether or not it was actually locked, show him already starting to plot
bottom of the room - not familiar with this phrase, maybe to his right or left would be better?
terse and confrontational - let his words tell us this!
My daughter is in protective custody - oh no, a big faux pas for the brainy scientist? Would he really tell lthem anything about his daughter?
She came close to death twice. - this seems a bit much. Did they have to take her to the ER? Do CPR?
took two deep breaths and straightened up - Andy bent over double. Gasping for air, he forced himself to straighten and glared at the Russian. He smooched the air. "Fuck you, comrade."
BTW, I loved the vulgarity of that last phrase. It fits perfectly and if you're going to do this up right you have to let it get a little gritty. Good job!
I'll keep trying to read when I can. Maybe catch up with ya later in a PM. Glad you survived the Frolicking forum!
Huggies from Duch' to Countess!
:-)
Comment Written 05-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2008
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Oh, dearest Duch, a kiss on both cheeks. Does happy dance all over the office, yes, yes, this is what I needed!
Oh joy. Whew, I must behead a peep. Okay, better control now.
How are you, dear Duchess? Thank you so much for the editing ideas and the time, you dear, sweet, head-cold suffering thing.
I feel positively guilty. Along with a thumb I must dispense a pump, which can be traded in at any time for an antihistimene..is that spelled right? Darling girl, I'll meet you in the library with a bottle of merlot, a pot of the best tea ever and a complement of sconses such as Madame alluded to giving me an inordinate lack of decorum. You'll love'em.
Will get to these, they're soooooooo good.
Hugs,
Gayle, Cali Countess
Comment from bookishfabler
Nice job. Every now and then you need a little vulgarity.
The men glanced at each another for a moment. One shrugged. "She is just down
the hall. We will take (I know you know, just thought I'd show you where he got you)
hugs
book
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2008
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Nice job. Every now and then you need a little vulgarity.
The men glanced at each another for a moment. One shrugged. "She is just down
the hall. We will take (I know you know, just thought I'd show you where he got you)
hugs
book
Comment Written 02-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2008
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Hey You! Staying high and dry? Man, my heart just goes out to you all.
Okay, thanks for that. I just couldn't think of another word...even screw you seemed inappropriate for the situation. I mean, he just got sucker punched!
Good to see you again, m'dear,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Allezw2
Need a place to go without interference first.
Reading about the grim tactics of the Russian Mafia, I can't imagine they would have any compunction about some uninhibited mayhem on the person or persons under their control.
Well, so he is defiant now.
If he lives long enough ... ?
Wayne
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2008
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Need a place to go without interference first.
Reading about the grim tactics of the Russian Mafia, I can't imagine they would have any compunction about some uninhibited mayhem on the person or persons under their control.
Well, so he is defiant now.
If he lives long enough ... ?
Wayne
Comment Written 31-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2008
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Hey Wayne,
I think Andy's come full circle now. He realizes they're never going to let him and Candace go. So unless they can get away, they're dead. That makes one very brave or very foolish, depending on the outcome.
Thanks so much for the super comments and your support.
Hugs,
Gayle
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Ah so!
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
So you've sworn off advanced editor, have you, Gayle? Evil Editing Eddie will teach you a vocabulary you didn't even know existed. Good for Andy & Candace. No American wimps for the Russians. How timely your book seems in the midst of the Russian invasion of Georgia.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2008
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So you've sworn off advanced editor, have you, Gayle? Evil Editing Eddie will teach you a vocabulary you didn't even know existed. Good for Andy & Candace. No American wimps for the Russians. How timely your book seems in the midst of the Russian invasion of Georgia.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2008
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Hey Jan,
That's weird, huh? Timing is everything, they say. I like to make my characters strong without getting silly about it. So glad you liked this one!
Hugs and love,
Gayle
Comment from davidray
Very well done, Gayle.This story is moving right along so well. Enjoyable from end to end.
A couple tiny things to mention in passing:
-moving with speed and familiarity, all except Andy, who stumbled (don't think you need 'all.' Read it to yourself and see if it adds anything.)
-The men glanced at each another for a moment. One shrugged. "She is just down (formatting gliche with this one paragraph)
Keep up the terrific work!!
All the best,
David xx
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2008
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Very well done, Gayle.This story is moving right along so well. Enjoyable from end to end.
A couple tiny things to mention in passing:
-moving with speed and familiarity, all except Andy, who stumbled (don't think you need 'all.' Read it to yourself and see if it adds anything.)
-The men glanced at each another for a moment. One shrugged. "She is just down (formatting gliche with this one paragraph)
Keep up the terrific work!!
All the best,
David xx
Comment Written 30-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2008
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Hey Dave,
I agree, let me get that 'all' out of there. As for the formatting, that damned EE. At least he can't get into the ms!!
Thanks and big hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
This is an excellent story, exceptionally written and without a single fault. Since this is not a "young adult" work like your Rainbow Tree Farm series, the profanity is appropriate. Anyway, you know I use bad words in what I post.
Dave M
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2008
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Gayle,
This is an excellent story, exceptionally written and without a single fault. Since this is not a "young adult" work like your Rainbow Tree Farm series, the profanity is appropriate. Anyway, you know I use bad words in what I post.
Dave M
Comment Written 29-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2008
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Hey Dave,
WOW! A sixer! Man, that is such a high compliment and your comments...makes me smile on this rather dreary Sat. So glad you liked it! :)
Thanks again,
Hugs, Gayle
Comment from Domino
Hi, Gayle. You're marching on and see I've another chapter after this to catch up on.
'Andy slumped into the back seat and turned his head to the blacked-out window, deliberately dripping blood onto the upholstery. 'DNA evidence,' he thought irrelevantly. A particularly large drop fell on his Armani tie. 'Son of a bitch.' ' - funny and clever contradiction!
All your usual detailed explanations of the surroundings.
'street a short ways to a driveway' - is 'a ways' proper narrative speak or just your dialect?
'Numerous shotguns and rifles lived behind' - is 'lived behind Yank speak? - 'stood behind' or 'were housed behind' ?
'One shrugged. "She is just down ---------------------------------gap.
I'd CERTAINLY retain foul and realistic language. Can't imagine Andy saying "Oh damn and blast, old boy, go a little easy, there's a good chap' LOL
Another fast paced goody, Gayle (alliteration).
Great read and not too long. Ray xx
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2008
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Hi, Gayle. You're marching on and see I've another chapter after this to catch up on.
'Andy slumped into the back seat and turned his head to the blacked-out window, deliberately dripping blood onto the upholstery. 'DNA evidence,' he thought irrelevantly. A particularly large drop fell on his Armani tie. 'Son of a bitch.' ' - funny and clever contradiction!
All your usual detailed explanations of the surroundings.
'street a short ways to a driveway' - is 'a ways' proper narrative speak or just your dialect?
'Numerous shotguns and rifles lived behind' - is 'lived behind Yank speak? - 'stood behind' or 'were housed behind' ?
'One shrugged. "She is just down ---------------------------------gap.
I'd CERTAINLY retain foul and realistic language. Can't imagine Andy saying "Oh damn and blast, old boy, go a little easy, there's a good chap' LOL
Another fast paced goody, Gayle (alliteration).
Great read and not too long. Ray xx
Comment Written 29-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2008
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LOL! Ray, you're such a hoot.
When I wrote the first thriller, after six sweet, YA books, one of my fans took me to task and said: Gayle, let's see, you have a gangbanger, covered with tattos, living in the 'hood, and you have him talking like a naughty third grader! Get out that book of four letter words and let's make him sound like what he is. His present dialogue is ridiculous!" Neural Splyce was his name and he was tops in editing. So, I got myself together and let fly.
Sometimes it still embarrasses me when other fans read it, but if you're gonna swim with the sharks you're gonna get wet.
Thanks so much for the great comments, as ever, and your support,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Buctar
Showtime:
I think I've gotten out of sequence here. I'll have to go back and sort this out. Still, I enjoyed the read.
A couple of observations:
'DNA evidence,' he thought irrelevantly. A particularly large drop fell on his Armani tie. 'Son of a bitch.' (The two internal dialogue phrases are in single quotes. Recommend italics. [A caution?do not use quotation marks, single or double, to indicate unspoken dialogue (thought). Instead, use italics. Page 42 Writing Realistic Dialogue and Flash Fiction ? Harvey Stanbrough])
'That's the most ridiculous thing you've ever thought. Dan? A traitor? Can't be.' (Same)
Numerous shotguns and rifles lived behind what one could only presume were locked glass cabinets. (Since guns can't actually live, I would look for different wording. Perhaps something like: Numerous shotguns and rifles stood at rigid attention like solders in formation behind what one could only presume were locked glass cabinets. )
'A hunting lodge by any definition. Wonder where the hounds are.' (Same internal dialogue discussion as above.)
I want to warn you, she, er, appears as (Recommend: I want to warn you, she ... er ... appears as )
I enjoyed the read.
Bill
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2008
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Showtime:
I think I've gotten out of sequence here. I'll have to go back and sort this out. Still, I enjoyed the read.
A couple of observations:
'DNA evidence,' he thought irrelevantly. A particularly large drop fell on his Armani tie. 'Son of a bitch.' (The two internal dialogue phrases are in single quotes. Recommend italics. [A caution?do not use quotation marks, single or double, to indicate unspoken dialogue (thought). Instead, use italics. Page 42 Writing Realistic Dialogue and Flash Fiction ? Harvey Stanbrough])
'That's the most ridiculous thing you've ever thought. Dan? A traitor? Can't be.' (Same)
Numerous shotguns and rifles lived behind what one could only presume were locked glass cabinets. (Since guns can't actually live, I would look for different wording. Perhaps something like: Numerous shotguns and rifles stood at rigid attention like solders in formation behind what one could only presume were locked glass cabinets. )
'A hunting lodge by any definition. Wonder where the hounds are.' (Same internal dialogue discussion as above.)
I want to warn you, she, er, appears as (Recommend: I want to warn you, she ... er ... appears as )
I enjoyed the read.
Bill
Comment Written 29-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2008
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Hey Bill,
Welcome back to the chaos of my world, lol. I can't use Evil Eddie. As I mentioned earlier, the little bugger infests my work with ???'s and then I can't get them out. The inner thoughts are in italics in the ms, promise! :)
Now, I much prefer your description of the guns and if you don't mind, I think I'll just plagarize it! I like the ellipses better, too.
Will adjust, my friend, and thank yo so much for returning to this story.
Gayle
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Feel free. I'm honored.
Bill
