Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "The Appointment"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
21 total reviews
Comment from Sissy
Hi Gayle!
Whew! I'm so far behind it's pretty bad! One of these days I'll be all caught up and on top of things. Sheesh, it's embarrassing.
I liked the comedy of Amy staying with the girls in this chapter, as well as the action at the end. Nice touch with the near-collision.
Just a few things to check out:
For almost three hours Andy waited for the men who kidnapped Candace(how about just 'the kidnappers'?) to contact him.
"She will be neither of those things if you defy us. Forty-five minutes, (D)octor, get moving." The line went dead.
The (')For Sale(') sign was back in the ground and a black Chrysler lurked at the
"Andy's meeting them at the pier. We're going to do a tag(-)team (I think) tail. We'll follow them
The dog shot a smug glance at Jim and grinned at Ella, tail gyrating her hips, well aware what (')stay(') meant.
"There's a couple of possibilities, actually." Ella shifted in her seat and nodded. "Behind us about three, four cars, there's a Lincoln Towncar (Gayle, I looked it up, it seems to be: 'Lincoln Town Car'), black.
A guy's sitting in the passenger seat, smoking. Has a black suit on, at least a sport coat; can't see the driver. Then there's a silver gray Mercedes up the street from us. Two guys, just looking around. Oops, another car just pulled in up front there, see it? Maroon, can't tell what else it is besides big. Lexus?" She leaned forward, trying to see the car. (instead of 'the car', since you use 'car' a few times here, try 'it'.)
Take care, hope all is well!
Sissy
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2008
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Hi Gayle!
Whew! I'm so far behind it's pretty bad! One of these days I'll be all caught up and on top of things. Sheesh, it's embarrassing.
I liked the comedy of Amy staying with the girls in this chapter, as well as the action at the end. Nice touch with the near-collision.
Just a few things to check out:
For almost three hours Andy waited for the men who kidnapped Candace(how about just 'the kidnappers'?) to contact him.
"She will be neither of those things if you defy us. Forty-five minutes, (D)octor, get moving." The line went dead.
The (')For Sale(') sign was back in the ground and a black Chrysler lurked at the
"Andy's meeting them at the pier. We're going to do a tag(-)team (I think) tail. We'll follow them
The dog shot a smug glance at Jim and grinned at Ella, tail gyrating her hips, well aware what (')stay(') meant.
"There's a couple of possibilities, actually." Ella shifted in her seat and nodded. "Behind us about three, four cars, there's a Lincoln Towncar (Gayle, I looked it up, it seems to be: 'Lincoln Town Car'), black.
A guy's sitting in the passenger seat, smoking. Has a black suit on, at least a sport coat; can't see the driver. Then there's a silver gray Mercedes up the street from us. Two guys, just looking around. Oops, another car just pulled in up front there, see it? Maroon, can't tell what else it is besides big. Lexus?" She leaned forward, trying to see the car. (instead of 'the car', since you use 'car' a few times here, try 'it'.)
Take care, hope all is well!
Sissy
Comment Written 14-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2008
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Hey Stranger,
Well, things should begin to settle down for you, huh? Hope you had a great season.
Okay, where you have apostrophes, like For Sale, I have all those guys and two more -lol- that are in italics in the book
Town Car...two words. Okay, I'll buy that. Looks awkward, tho, doesn't it? I think in the ms I might change it to another big car, maybe a Lexus?
Great ideas and you know I'm grinning big time. Hey, check out my site and see the great covers Jeff did for the books...gaylefarmer.com!
Talk soon and thanks again!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from sharon fallis
Now you throw a monkey wrench into the plot...It thickens. Very very good bit of thinking and portraying. Great word choices and usage. Your visuals are wonderful and the "intrigue" works better than super glue. Sharon
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2008
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Now you throw a monkey wrench into the plot...It thickens. Very very good bit of thinking and portraying. Great word choices and usage. Your visuals are wonderful and the "intrigue" works better than super glue. Sharon
Comment Written 09-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2008
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Tehee, you're on a roll, aren't you? I can't tell you how flattered I am that you're reading along like this. I love to do it that way, but sheesh, you're not making much money!
Sharon, you're a doll and I can't thank you enough!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Allezw2
Lady Gayle,
Dippy dames! If anything happens to Bob's car, they are grounded as perpetrator and accomplice.
And away we go.
I still remember J. Paul Getty reacting to his granson's kidnapping and his refusal to even negotiate saying that it would only put all of his relatives at risk if he acquiesced to the ransom demands. This even after they carved off the boy's ear and sent it to him. What they did not realize was that he had all kinds of bucks on the street with eople tracing them.
They got'em and I guess the word went out not to fiddle with the old man's people.
The boy required reconstructive surgery to replace the ear brutally severed.
Nicely done,
Wayne
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2008
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Lady Gayle,
Dippy dames! If anything happens to Bob's car, they are grounded as perpetrator and accomplice.
And away we go.
I still remember J. Paul Getty reacting to his granson's kidnapping and his refusal to even negotiate saying that it would only put all of his relatives at risk if he acquiesced to the ransom demands. This even after they carved off the boy's ear and sent it to him. What they did not realize was that he had all kinds of bucks on the street with eople tracing them.
They got'em and I guess the word went out not to fiddle with the old man's people.
The boy required reconstructive surgery to replace the ear brutally severed.
Nicely done,
Wayne
Comment Written 25-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2008
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Hey Wayne,
Eeuw! Cut off his ear? Man, that would be hard to deal with, huh, and yet, he was absolutely right.
Yeah, old Bob will be out of his grave to haunt them! I always love your reviews, my friend, and this is no exception. Thanks for the great review,
Hugs,
Gayle
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No less than you deserve, no more than you have earned.
Comment from Sylvia Page
Gayle, I thought for a moment that Andy was not going to tell anyone he was going to meet the kidnappers. Like the way you handled the story putting paid to well made plans making the story unpredictable.
"Well, it's show time. (two words)
,[ and] talk it through
Get in the freakin' car." (not sure if a Russian will use this word :)
Sylvia
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2008
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Gayle, I thought for a moment that Andy was not going to tell anyone he was going to meet the kidnappers. Like the way you handled the story putting paid to well made plans making the story unpredictable.
"Well, it's show time. (two words)
,[ and] talk it through
Get in the freakin' car." (not sure if a Russian will use this word :)
Sylvia
Comment Written 24-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2008
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Hey, Sylvia, that little "showtime" was a play on words. I will fix! I'm in a silly mood, I guess.
You just might be right about whether a Russian might say that word. It just seems to me that the first words foreigners learn are the cuss words! LOL!
Thanks for the eagle eye and the great comments! :-)
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Anyone who thought you might follow the usual and do this in any kind of standard way either hasn't been reading your work or isn't very alert. The near-collision was brilliant. Good job.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2008
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Anyone who thought you might follow the usual and do this in any kind of standard way either hasn't been reading your work or isn't very alert. The near-collision was brilliant. Good job.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2008
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LOL! Thanks for the chuckle, Jan. Glad you liked this one. We have a regular cavalcade here!
Thanks for the great comments and the chuckle,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Celtic~Soul
Damn, Countess, the kidnappers is dastardly! LOL Great action and dialogue. Can they stick with Andy and find Candace? Jeez, how will the dogs help? Cool developments, doll-face!
Okay, here are my suggestions:
for the [kidnappers] to contact him - using kidnappers cuts some words and improves readability
They'd called last night and agreed to make a switch; he would take his wife's place as kidnap victim and continue working on his formula while in their custody. - They'd called the previous night and agreed to release Candace--if he took her place and continued to develop his formula.
losing her. He - splitting into two sentences gives the phone ringing more impact, and I think you can drop finally, it doesn't add
booth (at the beginning of the) Santa Monica pier. - the part in paren's is awkward - maybe 'near' or 'at the entrance to'
We will meet you there in forty-five minutes. You will come alone, and if you try anything, anything at all, your wife will be shot - I think you could jazz this. These guys are bad dudes, in hurry, lest the call be traced: "Meet us there in forty-five minutes. Come alone. Antying else and we'll shoot her."
Andy hurled the instrument across the room, taking small satisfaction when it hit the wall and sent the faceplate flying. - trimmed a bit
Copies of his files as well as tapes of their latest experiments filled his briefcase. - instead of this line in the first paragraph. I'd use it in your 'He grabbed his briefcase... paragraph - something like:
He grabbed his briefcase. It held the key to Candace's safety--files and data discs of his latest experiments. In the garage, he flipped...
also, tapes seems old fashioned, I like data discs or dat drives or something more 2008 than tapes
I had a little trouble with the Merceds handling like a tank - I've driven one, they're pretty tight. Yeah, Escalade's a tank, all right...LOL!
best bet - best choice - similar lines/comments in two successive sentences, and I think you could put the 'With no idea...' paragraph up with the previous
turned the key (in the ignition) and - words in paren's are superfluous, turned the key says it all and keeps the action moving
Oooo, oooo... just thought of something, after he gets the call from the kidnappers, have him check his watch - he needs to know when 45 min. are up! Maybe even have him think about how long the drive will be - set a time-frame for the reader! It can also create more tension if it takes say 40 min. to get there with no traffic
He paused, listening. - we're in Andy's POV, so you can let the reader hear what he hears from Jim on the phone - be more solid that way
cul-de-sac at the top of a dead-end street - duh! cul-de-sac and dead-end street are redundant - were you being a little blonde? Silly Gayle...
Well, it's showtime - no it's not, it's Andy - hee-hee, couldn't resist!
so when he gets off the - might want Andy here instead of 'he'
He glanced down at the red Jag and chuckled - when did they get out to the car?
Once they pick Andy up - Once they pick up Andy
down; sound - okay, this is me like you with commas: I hate semi-colons in dialogue! Do people talk in semi-colons? I'd say full stop after down and Sound good? its own sentence, esp. since it's a question
Suburban. Tony and Cricket jumped in, and he fastened their ... - two sentences, much cleaner
The dog shot a... - this was a bit awkward, maybe break it into two sentences?
street(.) Jim drummed his fingers on the wheel while they waited for Andy.
sport coat; can't see - the Duchess shakes her head...
abreast of the phone booth doors - what few phone booths remain are usually the kind that are just a little shell around the phone, alas in the US the old silvery booths are nearly gone...
He nodded - this He is unclear, maybe The man...?
Damn...I'm getting tired, may have to read more tomorrow. I'll check out next installment and see if my eyes get bleary...maybe another beer...
Hugs, Gayle, great chapter!
Dawn
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2008
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Damn, Countess, the kidnappers is dastardly! LOL Great action and dialogue. Can they stick with Andy and find Candace? Jeez, how will the dogs help? Cool developments, doll-face!
Okay, here are my suggestions:
for the [kidnappers] to contact him - using kidnappers cuts some words and improves readability
They'd called last night and agreed to make a switch; he would take his wife's place as kidnap victim and continue working on his formula while in their custody. - They'd called the previous night and agreed to release Candace--if he took her place and continued to develop his formula.
losing her. He - splitting into two sentences gives the phone ringing more impact, and I think you can drop finally, it doesn't add
booth (at the beginning of the) Santa Monica pier. - the part in paren's is awkward - maybe 'near' or 'at the entrance to'
We will meet you there in forty-five minutes. You will come alone, and if you try anything, anything at all, your wife will be shot - I think you could jazz this. These guys are bad dudes, in hurry, lest the call be traced: "Meet us there in forty-five minutes. Come alone. Antying else and we'll shoot her."
Andy hurled the instrument across the room, taking small satisfaction when it hit the wall and sent the faceplate flying. - trimmed a bit
Copies of his files as well as tapes of their latest experiments filled his briefcase. - instead of this line in the first paragraph. I'd use it in your 'He grabbed his briefcase... paragraph - something like:
He grabbed his briefcase. It held the key to Candace's safety--files and data discs of his latest experiments. In the garage, he flipped...
also, tapes seems old fashioned, I like data discs or dat drives or something more 2008 than tapes
I had a little trouble with the Merceds handling like a tank - I've driven one, they're pretty tight. Yeah, Escalade's a tank, all right...LOL!
best bet - best choice - similar lines/comments in two successive sentences, and I think you could put the 'With no idea...' paragraph up with the previous
turned the key (in the ignition) and - words in paren's are superfluous, turned the key says it all and keeps the action moving
Oooo, oooo... just thought of something, after he gets the call from the kidnappers, have him check his watch - he needs to know when 45 min. are up! Maybe even have him think about how long the drive will be - set a time-frame for the reader! It can also create more tension if it takes say 40 min. to get there with no traffic
He paused, listening. - we're in Andy's POV, so you can let the reader hear what he hears from Jim on the phone - be more solid that way
cul-de-sac at the top of a dead-end street - duh! cul-de-sac and dead-end street are redundant - were you being a little blonde? Silly Gayle...
Well, it's showtime - no it's not, it's Andy - hee-hee, couldn't resist!
so when he gets off the - might want Andy here instead of 'he'
He glanced down at the red Jag and chuckled - when did they get out to the car?
Once they pick Andy up - Once they pick up Andy
down; sound - okay, this is me like you with commas: I hate semi-colons in dialogue! Do people talk in semi-colons? I'd say full stop after down and Sound good? its own sentence, esp. since it's a question
Suburban. Tony and Cricket jumped in, and he fastened their ... - two sentences, much cleaner
The dog shot a... - this was a bit awkward, maybe break it into two sentences?
street(.) Jim drummed his fingers on the wheel while they waited for Andy.
sport coat; can't see - the Duchess shakes her head...
abreast of the phone booth doors - what few phone booths remain are usually the kind that are just a little shell around the phone, alas in the US the old silvery booths are nearly gone...
He nodded - this He is unclear, maybe The man...?
Damn...I'm getting tired, may have to read more tomorrow. I'll check out next installment and see if my eyes get bleary...maybe another beer...
Hugs, Gayle, great chapter!
Dawn
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2008
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Oh my goodness, Duch, now that's a review! Thanks so much. I pasted it out and will go over the chapter and make adjustments. BTW, I already edited the other chapter...pov problems...all better now!
You're such a dear, big thanks and tight hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Norbanus
Annabelle, you are getting sooo good at this. The keystone cops never did a stake out better. :-)
Amy knows who the boss is in her family.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2008
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Annabelle, you are getting sooo good at this. The keystone cops never did a stake out better. :-)
Amy knows who the boss is in her family.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2008
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LOL! Jeff made me do it, Freddie, I swear.
He said, "take that scene from The Pink Panther, where they're following each other up and down the road and go with it; what a visual. I resisted the urge for a gorilla!
Thanks for the grat comments, I've missed you!
Hugs,
Annabelle
Comment from ThyLordDracula
Looks like Andy and Candace are in big trouble - who is watching their daughter through all of this? - that poor child - great chapter - no spags did I see - this story is moving right along - respectfully ^v^
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2008
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Looks like Andy and Candace are in big trouble - who is watching their daughter through all of this? - that poor child - great chapter - no spags did I see - this story is moving right along - respectfully ^v^
Comment Written 23-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2008
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Hi, my friend Drac,
Jane is keeping Sara while Andy is trying to save Candace. We're bringing things to a head soon, a few more characters to meet, and then it's home free...I hope!
Thanks so much for the wonderful comments and your fine review,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from davidray
One of your best sections I have read, if not your best, in my humble opinion. Incredibly good narration, especially through the ifrst part. Well done. Not a thing to find, or a stone to throw. A pleasure to read,
Continued success.
David, with a hug. xx
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2008
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One of your best sections I have read, if not your best, in my humble opinion. Incredibly good narration, especially through the ifrst part. Well done. Not a thing to find, or a stone to throw. A pleasure to read,
Continued success.
David, with a hug. xx
Comment Written 23-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2008
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Well, I'm smiling all over my face at that one. Sure appreciate the high praise and thank you for your support and kind comments. You mean so much to me,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from William Walz
Are you sure your real name isn't John D. McDonald? This is fast-paced, exciting, full of tension and foreboding, spirited dialog, you name it, you got it. Now I have to go to the beginning and see how this all got started. Wonderful writing of the highest quality.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2008
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Are you sure your real name isn't John D. McDonald? This is fast-paced, exciting, full of tension and foreboding, spirited dialog, you name it, you got it. Now I have to go to the beginning and see how this all got started. Wonderful writing of the highest quality.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2008
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Well Bill,
Thanks so much for that! My, coming from you, that really means a lot. This one, oooh, man, keeping me up nights.
Thank you so much for the great review, my friend. As for starting at the beginning, don't worry about leaving a review unlessyou want to. The bucks are gone, so I totally understand!
Hey, you have a great day,
Hugs
Gayle
