Ridding Yourself of Demons
Viewing comments for Chapter 28 "Decisions, Decisions"A man summons a demon but gets more than he wanted
5 total reviews
Comment from Sissy
Hey snod,
One of these days, when I've got some downtime, I'm going to have to go back over the chapters I've missed. I've enjoyed every chapter I have read, and you always make me laugh. I see Scarth is still loving his ice cream, and still occasionally eating a person...
Very nice chapter, I like the way the romance is developing b/w Ess and Paul.
Okay, did my best to pick it apart. See what you think:
Paul stepped out into the warm night air. Ess slipped her arm through his and hugged it close. He thrilled to the immediacy of her presence. From the edge of the courtyard he heard a muffled giggle (Watch words like 'he heard', snod! That's telling.).
As his eyes adjusted to the lamplight, he saw ('saw'/telling. Try 'noticed') several couples in the shadows, in various stages of what his aunt always referred to as 'canoodling'. He looked away hastily.
don't think it's deliberate, it's just the way he is. We can't keep him here, but if we're going to get rid of him ... (.)" (<--in this case, close the sentence w/ a period. She didn't interrupt him.)
"What?" She looked up into Paul's face, and Paul felt his insides melting. ('felt'/telling. Try just: 'Paul's insides melted'.)
to you ... I mean, if you ... (o)h God, Ess, I just can't ask you and Oz to risk your lives, not for this."
Ess grabbed Paul's head and pulled his face suddenly (the act of grabbing his face implies suddenness, consider deleting 'suddenly') towards her
When she shoved him back, there were tears in her eyes. (try to kick passive 'there were')
"And me, I want to do this(,) too. You are in deep shit, Paul,
Paul smiled to show willing. ('to show willing' sounded awkward to me, snod.)
"Sure, (l)ove. It is for all of us." She stroked his arm.
And even if she did (-) (s)urely she meant more than that (-) it meant the opportunity for more kissing goodnight.
Besides, he couldn't think straight when Ess was merely standing (merely stood) next to him, let alone if she were lying (if she lay) next to him.
"It's okay, Paul. Really(,) it is.
he could feel (he felt?) on his face.
Paul stood frozen as she backed away, turned and walked back (backed away/walked back - watch the double 'back')
Paul would find it easily enough once he hit The Strand. Scarth padded alongside (don't need--->him), like a child walking home from school.
Ess was right; Scarth was better behaved now (How about: 'Scarth behaved better now? Kicks the 'was' here). He was getting better at 'being good', for a given value of good. (You have three 'was's right in a row here.)
Far from it, especially when they started to involve other people(,) too.
His eyes grew wide with horror as he saw Scarth materialise and leap forward. (I think you could kick this 'he saw', and go with 'Scarth materialised'? Consider it anyway.)
"I said stop, (<--use exclamation point here.)" shouted Paul.
Paul saw (noticed?) the tiny radio swinging on its strap over Scarth's shoulder. He ran forward and pulled the earphones clear.
"Stop!" he shouted (+ again).
Scarth stopped (<--see if you can use some other verb besides 'stopped' here. You have 'stop' a coulpe times earlier), looking up at Paul's face with a worried expression.
He turned back to the body and carefully went through the pockets. He took the small folds of paper back to his master, who was gently rocking (who gently rocked) to and fro on the pavement.
Paul looked up. Scarth was holding (held) out a fistful of ten-pound notes.
Paul swung his arm angrily, knocking the money to the ground. He looked (watch 'looked' here. You have a lot of 'looking' here. Scarth is looking/ Paul looked up...) at it, as the breeze started to tumble
. When he looked (looked again) up, Scarth was standing (stood) in the gutter, a picture of innocence. The body had gone.
There were (<--watch passive 'There were'. See if you can rephrase.) suggestions of language in Scarth's voice now, shadows of words such as you hear when someone only remembers the lyrics of the song they are accompanying half a beat after it's gone. (what do you mean 'they are accompanyng'?)
"Sing!" he shouted back and gave a little dance. His eyes looked wild, and there was (<--passive. Try to kick the 'there was') a sheen of sweat on his leathery skin.
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2008
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Hey snod,
One of these days, when I've got some downtime, I'm going to have to go back over the chapters I've missed. I've enjoyed every chapter I have read, and you always make me laugh. I see Scarth is still loving his ice cream, and still occasionally eating a person...
Very nice chapter, I like the way the romance is developing b/w Ess and Paul.
Okay, did my best to pick it apart. See what you think:
Paul stepped out into the warm night air. Ess slipped her arm through his and hugged it close. He thrilled to the immediacy of her presence. From the edge of the courtyard he heard a muffled giggle (Watch words like 'he heard', snod! That's telling.).
As his eyes adjusted to the lamplight, he saw ('saw'/telling. Try 'noticed') several couples in the shadows, in various stages of what his aunt always referred to as 'canoodling'. He looked away hastily.
don't think it's deliberate, it's just the way he is. We can't keep him here, but if we're going to get rid of him ... (.)" (<--in this case, close the sentence w/ a period. She didn't interrupt him.)
"What?" She looked up into Paul's face, and Paul felt his insides melting. ('felt'/telling. Try just: 'Paul's insides melted'.)
to you ... I mean, if you ... (o)h God, Ess, I just can't ask you and Oz to risk your lives, not for this."
Ess grabbed Paul's head and pulled his face suddenly (the act of grabbing his face implies suddenness, consider deleting 'suddenly') towards her
When she shoved him back, there were tears in her eyes. (try to kick passive 'there were')
"And me, I want to do this(,) too. You are in deep shit, Paul,
Paul smiled to show willing. ('to show willing' sounded awkward to me, snod.)
"Sure, (l)ove. It is for all of us." She stroked his arm.
And even if she did (-) (s)urely she meant more than that (-) it meant the opportunity for more kissing goodnight.
Besides, he couldn't think straight when Ess was merely standing (merely stood) next to him, let alone if she were lying (if she lay) next to him.
"It's okay, Paul. Really(,) it is.
he could feel (he felt?) on his face.
Paul stood frozen as she backed away, turned and walked back (backed away/walked back - watch the double 'back')
Paul would find it easily enough once he hit The Strand. Scarth padded alongside (don't need--->him), like a child walking home from school.
Ess was right; Scarth was better behaved now (How about: 'Scarth behaved better now? Kicks the 'was' here). He was getting better at 'being good', for a given value of good. (You have three 'was's right in a row here.)
Far from it, especially when they started to involve other people(,) too.
His eyes grew wide with horror as he saw Scarth materialise and leap forward. (I think you could kick this 'he saw', and go with 'Scarth materialised'? Consider it anyway.)
"I said stop, (<--use exclamation point here.)" shouted Paul.
Paul saw (noticed?) the tiny radio swinging on its strap over Scarth's shoulder. He ran forward and pulled the earphones clear.
"Stop!" he shouted (+ again).
Scarth stopped (<--see if you can use some other verb besides 'stopped' here. You have 'stop' a coulpe times earlier), looking up at Paul's face with a worried expression.
He turned back to the body and carefully went through the pockets. He took the small folds of paper back to his master, who was gently rocking (who gently rocked) to and fro on the pavement.
Paul looked up. Scarth was holding (held) out a fistful of ten-pound notes.
Paul swung his arm angrily, knocking the money to the ground. He looked (watch 'looked' here. You have a lot of 'looking' here. Scarth is looking/ Paul looked up...) at it, as the breeze started to tumble
. When he looked (looked again) up, Scarth was standing (stood) in the gutter, a picture of innocence. The body had gone.
There were (<--watch passive 'There were'. See if you can rephrase.) suggestions of language in Scarth's voice now, shadows of words such as you hear when someone only remembers the lyrics of the song they are accompanying half a beat after it's gone. (what do you mean 'they are accompanyng'?)
"Sing!" he shouted back and gave a little dance. His eyes looked wild, and there was (<--passive. Try to kick the 'there was') a sheen of sweat on his leathery skin.
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
Comment Written 21-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2008
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As ever, a full review. I'm grateful, thanks.
Comment from mmichelle97219
He may be dangerous but couldn't the same be said for a parent protecting their kids. Or in this case the there way around. It will be interesting t see Paul work though his dilemma. Another good chapter.
Michelle
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2008
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He may be dangerous but couldn't the same be said for a parent protecting their kids. Or in this case the there way around. It will be interesting t see Paul work though his dilemma. Another good chapter.
Michelle
Comment Written 20-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2008
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Thanks. Glad you liked it
Comment from Dave-Aranda-Richards
Ha-ha-ha! You're a funny guy. Great character development. I may also mention maybe you're a sick guy-that's what makes you so creative. Stay away from doctors and keep on writing until they come to take you away-hey-hey.
Dave
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2008
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Ha-ha-ha! You're a funny guy. Great character development. I may also mention maybe you're a sick guy-that's what makes you so creative. Stay away from doctors and keep on writing until they come to take you away-hey-hey.
Dave
Comment Written 20-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2008
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Funny you should say that, I have several appointments tomorrow, but I shall keep them away from my writing bits.
Glad you liked it. Thanks
Comment from jadapenn
Me again Snodlander,
Grammar good. Scarth good, master. I love Scarth. The action also moved, especially in the latter part. The romantic scene well written.
Once again, a good work.
Regards - Jadapenn
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2008
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Me again Snodlander,
Grammar good. Scarth good, master. I love Scarth. The action also moved, especially in the latter part. The romantic scene well written.
Once again, a good work.
Regards - Jadapenn
Comment Written 20-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2008
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Thank you. I'm useless at the slushy bits, I keep wanting to put jokes in. I'm glad you liked it
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
WEll That was spectular... if one could
describe a chapter that way. the story was sure fun! The little demon seemed innocent enough but very demonic.... It says a lot about child soldiers and children brought up to hate certain races and stuff. The novelty has a real strong appeal.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2008
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WEll That was spectular... if one could
describe a chapter that way. the story was sure fun! The little demon seemed innocent enough but very demonic.... It says a lot about child soldiers and children brought up to hate certain races and stuff. The novelty has a real strong appeal.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2008
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Isn't it odd what drops into your stories when your back is turned. I hadn't thought about that, but you're right. Scarth is a child soldier brutalised by his upbringing, though I suspect there's a certain degree of natural instinct in there too. You can take the demon out of the pit, but you can't take the pit out of the demon.
Thanks for your review, and I'm glad you found it fun.
