Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Dead Ends"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
20 total reviews
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
yes, Gayle. The mental institutions do look like prison sometimes.And this guy here is sick because his father abused him after he did his wife, it arouses some emotion in me. one thing about your story is the way you arouse a lot of mixed feelings and excitement to wait and keep thinking of the next chapter.
~Stephy
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2008
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yes, Gayle. The mental institutions do look like prison sometimes.And this guy here is sick because his father abused him after he did his wife, it arouses some emotion in me. one thing about your story is the way you arouse a lot of mixed feelings and excitement to wait and keep thinking of the next chapter.
~Stephy
Comment Written 17-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2008
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Hi Stephy,
Yeah, Tom didn't get a fair shake from life, huh? I'm glad you're continuing to enjoy this story! Thanks so much for the review!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from sharon fallis
I'm on a roll! Another one of your wonderful writes. This story is really got some good stuff in it. One SPAG..... You said,
when (she) decided to leave him and get a divorce. I think instead of using she, I would of said, when his mother decided to leave his dad and get a divorce....Would make it plainer about who you are talking about. I had to read that part twice and think about it good. This is why I felt it might need to be changed. Hope this helps. Hugs..Sharon
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2008
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I'm on a roll! Another one of your wonderful writes. This story is really got some good stuff in it. One SPAG..... You said,
when (she) decided to leave him and get a divorce. I think instead of using she, I would of said, when his mother decided to leave his dad and get a divorce....Would make it plainer about who you are talking about. I had to read that part twice and think about it good. This is why I felt it might need to be changed. Hope this helps. Hugs..Sharon
Comment Written 09-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2008
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Well, hey Sharon,
It's great to see you again. And yes, I like that better...it is clearer. Thanks for the eagle eye and for the great comments. Sure hope to see you around more!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Allezw2
Lady Gayle,
Well, dang it, they are talking to each other.
Interesting interplay betweent he good sister and the cop.
It will be interesting to see what the two gumshoes learn at the half-way house, too.
The plot proceeds apace.
Wayne
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2008
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Lady Gayle,
Well, dang it, they are talking to each other.
Interesting interplay betweent he good sister and the cop.
It will be interesting to see what the two gumshoes learn at the half-way house, too.
The plot proceeds apace.
Wayne
Comment Written 29-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2008
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Hey Wayne,
You'll like that one, too. Cute neighbors!!
Thanks so much for the great review. I so appreciate your comments!
Hugs,
Gayle
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You're welcome.
Comment from Norbanus
Nothin' left her for me to mess with in this one. Sissy and Davidray have jumped in a beat up on you with a friendly stick.
I love your dialogue, as alway, but this time you must be getting a little help from Jeff, with phrases such as,'...shit load of stuff...'
BTW-- you repeated 'stuff' from the paragraph before this one.
Damn, it's doing to be tough tying tom and the Russians into a neat bow.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2008
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Nothin' left her for me to mess with in this one. Sissy and Davidray have jumped in a beat up on you with a friendly stick.
I love your dialogue, as alway, but this time you must be getting a little help from Jeff, with phrases such as,'...shit load of stuff...'
BTW-- you repeated 'stuff' from the paragraph before this one.
Damn, it's doing to be tough tying tom and the Russians into a neat bow.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2008
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Hey Freddie,
I'll get that second 'stuff' out of there. Yeah, Tom was just a coincidental threat, but I had to figure out how to get Jim et al into Candace's life!
Have a great day, my friend,
Hugs,
Annabelle
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Hi, Gayle. Working my way back home from Wisconsin. Another good chapter. Only one piece of spag that I noticed. See below:
cone of silence >> code of silence
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2008
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Hi, Gayle. Working my way back home from Wisconsin. Another good chapter. Only one piece of spag that I noticed. See below:
cone of silence >> code of silence
Comment Written 20-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2008
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Hey Jan,
Well, my joke fell flat! Did you ever watch "Get Smart" where they had the 'shoe phone' and all kinds of silly spy stuff? They had a "cone of silence" that would drop down out of nowhere so they could talk in private. Silly girl, I'll kick that to the curb.
Thanks and Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
Well, that is a lot of insight into Harris. Great job there, Very believable and ties right into the past chapters. I didn't see any boo boos, buit I'm coming in late as ususal. Great job
hugs
book
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2008
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Well, that is a lot of insight into Harris. Great job there, Very believable and ties right into the past chapters. I didn't see any boo boos, buit I'm coming in late as ususal. Great job
hugs
book
Comment Written 19-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2008
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Hi Heidi,
I'm glad you liked that chapter. Man, we were away for a long weekend, when I came back I had 27 reviews and 50 messages! Don't worry about coming in late...better late than never, lol! Cliche alert.
Hugs and thanks,
Gayle
Comment from eborchert
Hello Gayle,
Very good chapter. I thought it was very readable and didn't notice but one thing. I don't even know what's going on, but I found it entertaining and enjoyed the read very much. You have a gift.
Happy Writing.
"Pete! Always glad to hear from you, dude,(. W) what's up?"
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2008
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Hello Gayle,
Very good chapter. I thought it was very readable and didn't notice but one thing. I don't even know what's going on, but I found it entertaining and enjoyed the read very much. You have a gift.
Happy Writing.
"Pete! Always glad to hear from you, dude,(. W) what's up?"
Comment Written 17-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2008
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Hey Evan,
I'll get that fixed. Good suggestion.
I really enjoy seeing you again and am watching for something new from you. I've been away since Friday and am just getting back in the swing. We took a little holiday...sorry this took so long to answer.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from c_lucas
A believable background search. It falls together in bits and pieces. Very good dialogue and believable emotions. Good imagery and good descriptive scheme.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2008
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A believable background search. It falls together in bits and pieces. Very good dialogue and believable emotions. Good imagery and good descriptive scheme.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2008
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Hey Charlie,
Thanks so much for the great rating and comments. I appreciate the super R&R>
Hugs,
Gayle
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You're welcome, Gayle. It's always grreat to read talented authors like you. Charlie
Comment from davidray
I'm gonna make you pull up your socks here, Gayle. I can't give you a four because your SPAG appears clean, but I found this to be a bit slower andnot as smooth as I'm used to with you.
Your writing just isn't as crisp. See if you agree with me. For your consideration, please:
-strands of barbed wire ensured that those sentenced there stayed inside (strands of barbed wire ensured those incarcerated never escaped.)
-The furnishings, strictly functional sofas and chairs, lined the walls (I know it's difficult to look at our own work critically sometimes, Gayle, but do you think the first four words here serve any meaningful purpose? I'd start the sentence with Sofas and chairs ...)
-Hospital superintendent, Sister Mary Agnes (Sister Mary Agnes, the hospital superintendant, ...)
-"Please have a seat, Detective. I understand ... (This should be with the previous paragraph. YOu do this a lot. Any narrative should be attached to the dialogue from the same person unless broken up with dialogue by another character.)
-Eyes the color of a Hershey bar sought his then glanced away. (It might be just me, but seeing she's a religious God-fearing woman, wouldn't she have sought his eyes for contact at the begining of their conversation?)
-Splotches of red stained both cheeks. (A few sentences earlier, you used the words ' a blush tinting her cheeks'. Enough with the cheeks, Gayle.)
-Very good dialogue betwene the detective and the Nun, but did they move at all during their conversation? Maybe a couple small ... or eeen one ... action speech tag would be nice.)
-Lenny pored over the notes (I think it's 'poured', but I'd use 'raked' instead, IMHO.)
-Pete pulled a page off his notebook (Change 'off' to 'from', or add 'of' after the 'off'. Myself, I'd go with the 'from' suggestion.)
Don't try so hard. Keep it simpler. Sometimes it makes more sense and reads better.
All the best, my dear.Have a good Saturday!
Hugs,
David xx
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2008
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I'm gonna make you pull up your socks here, Gayle. I can't give you a four because your SPAG appears clean, but I found this to be a bit slower andnot as smooth as I'm used to with you.
Your writing just isn't as crisp. See if you agree with me. For your consideration, please:
-strands of barbed wire ensured that those sentenced there stayed inside (strands of barbed wire ensured those incarcerated never escaped.)
-The furnishings, strictly functional sofas and chairs, lined the walls (I know it's difficult to look at our own work critically sometimes, Gayle, but do you think the first four words here serve any meaningful purpose? I'd start the sentence with Sofas and chairs ...)
-Hospital superintendent, Sister Mary Agnes (Sister Mary Agnes, the hospital superintendant, ...)
-"Please have a seat, Detective. I understand ... (This should be with the previous paragraph. YOu do this a lot. Any narrative should be attached to the dialogue from the same person unless broken up with dialogue by another character.)
-Eyes the color of a Hershey bar sought his then glanced away. (It might be just me, but seeing she's a religious God-fearing woman, wouldn't she have sought his eyes for contact at the begining of their conversation?)
-Splotches of red stained both cheeks. (A few sentences earlier, you used the words ' a blush tinting her cheeks'. Enough with the cheeks, Gayle.)
-Very good dialogue betwene the detective and the Nun, but did they move at all during their conversation? Maybe a couple small ... or eeen one ... action speech tag would be nice.)
-Lenny pored over the notes (I think it's 'poured', but I'd use 'raked' instead, IMHO.)
-Pete pulled a page off his notebook (Change 'off' to 'from', or add 'of' after the 'off'. Myself, I'd go with the 'from' suggestion.)
Don't try so hard. Keep it simpler. Sometimes it makes more sense and reads better.
All the best, my dear.Have a good Saturday!
Hugs,
David xx
Comment Written 16-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2008
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David, you make me smile. If I can, here's a thumb! :-)
I just returned from a short cruise, and I'm all perky again and ready to go. Your comments are so good and I did quite a revamp of the chapter. I think you'll approve, my dear.
Okay, she has brown eyes the color of a chocolate bar...not sure what you meant about looking at him earlier.
My editor keeps yelling to me not to "bury the dialogue" within long bits of narrative. I'm not sure one way or the other. Please feel free to expand on this one if you get the chance.
Thank you so much for the great imput and ideas. If you want, check out the vast improvements
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Sissy
Yo Gayle!
At least we now know the background on Tom in more detail. Good filling that in. Wonder now, how they are going to find out who those Russians are....
Some things to check out:
Chain link fences topped (should 'fence' be pluralized? I'm really not sure, but I want to say 'chain link fence' because it's a row of fence, right?)
ensured that those sentenced there stayed inside.
(inside the building, or within the grounds?)
nodding at the chair in front
She swallowed several times and nodded
(you have ner nodding twice, very close together. Consider adding 'again' to the second.)
obviously()...().
He was sixteen, (<--kick this comma) or so, a bit on
She continued to read then looked up (<--can eliminate this 'up') at Riley
Gave me the creeps in retrospect when (<--I had a problem with 'Gave me the creeps'. She seemed more of a formal talker, Gayle. Didn't seem like the type that would say such a thing. But your call.)
Detective Riley leaned toward her, one arm on her desk
(how about just 'leaned forward'. Kicks a 'her', still implies leaning toward her.)
I worked with him right up until the day of his discharge, (<--consider a dash here instead of a comma) something which I opposed in the strongest terms, by the way."
Cost Tom his life. Why was your input, as (detective)
case, he was not ready and it cost him his life."
(Sister) (<--used same line: 'cost him his life', very close together, by two different people. Consider adjusting one.)
Deep in thought when the phone rang, he started, grabbing the instrument like an enemy. (how about: 'he started and grabbed the instrument...' He had to start first before grabbing the phone, right?)
Hey, boss, (<--period here versus comma, I think.) I catch you at a bad time?"
"You got it, (<--consider period here then---> S)ee ya then."
Blue eyes dancing, he glanced at Lenny, waiting.
(I didn't quite get why his 'blue eyes danced'? Am I missing something?)
The blue(-)gray gaze
Pete smirked at Jim and turned to his former mentor and longtime friend, a grin on his lips
He rose then, grinning like a satisfied cat
(You have him grin earlier, so you could kick the second.)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sis
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2008
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Yo Gayle!
At least we now know the background on Tom in more detail. Good filling that in. Wonder now, how they are going to find out who those Russians are....
Some things to check out:
Chain link fences topped (should 'fence' be pluralized? I'm really not sure, but I want to say 'chain link fence' because it's a row of fence, right?)
ensured that those sentenced there stayed inside.
(inside the building, or within the grounds?)
nodding at the chair in front
She swallowed several times and nodded
(you have ner nodding twice, very close together. Consider adding 'again' to the second.)
obviously()...().
He was sixteen, (<--kick this comma) or so, a bit on
She continued to read then looked up (<--can eliminate this 'up') at Riley
Gave me the creeps in retrospect when (<--I had a problem with 'Gave me the creeps'. She seemed more of a formal talker, Gayle. Didn't seem like the type that would say such a thing. But your call.)
Detective Riley leaned toward her, one arm on her desk
(how about just 'leaned forward'. Kicks a 'her', still implies leaning toward her.)
I worked with him right up until the day of his discharge, (<--consider a dash here instead of a comma) something which I opposed in the strongest terms, by the way."
Cost Tom his life. Why was your input, as (detective)
case, he was not ready and it cost him his life."
(Sister) (<--used same line: 'cost him his life', very close together, by two different people. Consider adjusting one.)
Deep in thought when the phone rang, he started, grabbing the instrument like an enemy. (how about: 'he started and grabbed the instrument...' He had to start first before grabbing the phone, right?)
Hey, boss, (<--period here versus comma, I think.) I catch you at a bad time?"
"You got it, (<--consider period here then---> S)ee ya then."
Blue eyes dancing, he glanced at Lenny, waiting.
(I didn't quite get why his 'blue eyes danced'? Am I missing something?)
The blue(-)gray gaze
Pete smirked at Jim and turned to his former mentor and longtime friend, a grin on his lips
He rose then, grinning like a satisfied cat
(You have him grin earlier, so you could kick the second.)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sis
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2008
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Hey Sissy,
Well all the eyes were dancing because Lenny and Pete had worked so closely together, they each knew the others 'way of going' and Jim was the guy under suspicion at that time. Is that not clear, the repartee? Let me know and I'll tighten it up some more.
Thank you so much...you'll be thrilled with the changes I made, took your advice.
Hope your show season is making you smile! I just went to the tack store and bought a small bottle of Absorbine for old times sake!
Love ya, and BIG thanks,
Gayle
