Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "More About Tom Harris"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
21 total reviews
Comment from Allezw2
Lady Gayle,
Somehow, Melissa Malone (nicely euphonic) does not ring true as what would have to be a very aggressive young woman dealing in multi-million dollar properties.
It would be nice is she were more fully developed. The detective is a plain clothes cop who is suddenly introduced to a woman, likely a near millionaire herself, who would be dressed and coiffed accordingly. The contrast between the two would be interesting.
She would also be, perhaps a little miffed, though philosophic about losing such a sale. She might see her experience in a humorous vein, though perhaps not so broadly. Such people have to have a long view with only a couple of commissions a year and having to budget their lives accordingly.
(One real estate broker I knew sold large commercial buildings. He averaged a sale about once every three to five years.)
The aside where she describes them as trying to present themselves as a homosexual couple could be a quiet aside with a bit of humor mixed with a slight touch of irony.
Her rather broad statement that she should have spotted them as phonies at a far distance seems too broad.
She might be more nearly talking to herself out loud when she describes them as probably insincere. She might have had her doubts, however, the readily presented deposit check would have allayed the immediate doubts. Surely she would have run the check for the account and sufficient funds as soon as possible.
Nicely done, overall.
Wayne
For your consideration:
- together without using [like] [at least once]
It might help the reader understand the policeman's sly observation of this exception to a stereotypical young woman if [like] were set apart in some fashion, perhaps italicized.
- [beetling] her eyebrows at Riley
This is an unusual and quite distinctive verb as used. It is memorable for its previous use in an earlier chapter as characteristic of another individual . Might you consider another descriptive word choice, furrowed, arched, raised, lowered and so on?
- At least half of them are, like, twenty years [old][older] at
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2008
  |
Lady Gayle,
Somehow, Melissa Malone (nicely euphonic) does not ring true as what would have to be a very aggressive young woman dealing in multi-million dollar properties.
It would be nice is she were more fully developed. The detective is a plain clothes cop who is suddenly introduced to a woman, likely a near millionaire herself, who would be dressed and coiffed accordingly. The contrast between the two would be interesting.
She would also be, perhaps a little miffed, though philosophic about losing such a sale. She might see her experience in a humorous vein, though perhaps not so broadly. Such people have to have a long view with only a couple of commissions a year and having to budget their lives accordingly.
(One real estate broker I knew sold large commercial buildings. He averaged a sale about once every three to five years.)
The aside where she describes them as trying to present themselves as a homosexual couple could be a quiet aside with a bit of humor mixed with a slight touch of irony.
Her rather broad statement that she should have spotted them as phonies at a far distance seems too broad.
She might be more nearly talking to herself out loud when she describes them as probably insincere. She might have had her doubts, however, the readily presented deposit check would have allayed the immediate doubts. Surely she would have run the check for the account and sufficient funds as soon as possible.
Nicely done, overall.
Wayne
For your consideration:
- together without using [like] [at least once]
It might help the reader understand the policeman's sly observation of this exception to a stereotypical young woman if [like] were set apart in some fashion, perhaps italicized.
- [beetling] her eyebrows at Riley
This is an unusual and quite distinctive verb as used. It is memorable for its previous use in an earlier chapter as characteristic of another individual . Might you consider another descriptive word choice, furrowed, arched, raised, lowered and so on?
- At least half of them are, like, twenty years [old][older] at
Comment Written 25-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2008
-
Hey Wayne, super ideas and edit suggestions. I have 'like' in italics in the ms. As for the realtor, I didn't get into her very much because that's the first and last time you see her. Still, I surely could flesh her out more. Definitely will do, my friend.
Thanks so much!
Hugs,
Gayle
-
Lay Gayle,
Not to make a big deal out of it. I think that it would take only a few words to introduce an interesting sidebar to the investigation.
I might picture the detective as having to act blase' in the face of meeting a woman who immediately impresses him as someone far above him in position and influence. Likely in appearance also, (thirtyish as presented) so an element of appreciation, if not lust, might be there.
He is a practiced observer, so you'd better believe that he is carefully appraising every physical aspect of her, and her clothing that he can see, unobtrusively, of course. There is nothing boorish about him. He can look her in the eye and still cognizant of everything about her.
There is no mention of indicated marital status, or other physical characteristics, either. She might be wearing some sophisticated jewelry, though suitably discreet so as not to challenge or intimidate her potential clients. She may only be a sales woman, but dealing in millions of dollars sales certainly would make her a heavyweight in any such meeting.
Not to distract from your story, but this was such an opportunity to present an interesting vignette into the investigation. I can imagine the detective tossing the meeting off to his partner.
Comment from Sissy
Hey Gayle,
Playing catch-up while watching the Olympics. There was a horse in the show jumping earlier named 'Cumano', who I absolutely loved. LOVED! He's pretty awesome. Jos Lansink of the Netherlands rides him. Check him out if you get the chance!
Anyway, onto the chapter. Good, informative chapter. I was wondering what Melissa might remember about them. And interesting news about Tom, as well. Makes things nice and confusing for the police! Good stuff!
Some things to check out:
Her name tag read (')Kimberly Ashe(')
together without using (')like(')
Kimmie rose, nodded
it wide and nodded at Riley (watch the 'nodded's so close together.)
A petite, well(-)dressed woman
"What did they look like, (<--use a question mark here and then capitalize---> D)id they say anything unusual, act strange?"
"Please give me a name and description (I think you need to pluralize 'name'. There were two of them.)
She raised a hand and flashed brilliant white teeth (kick-->at him)
"I'm sorry(+ ,) but they never came here
you can imagine, but at least no tie()...()loafers, I think. The younger guy, I'm gonna blow this one, Reiki Davidovichski()...()a tad taller, mo (you use spaces before and after ellipses earlier.)
She rolled her eyes (kick--> at him) as light, musical notes rippled
Blacked(-)out window
a perfect (')O(').
"Is there anything you can think of that might help us find these men." (<--consider a question mark here.)
her lips and shook her head. "No, sir, (<--period here instead of comma) I'm sorry."
Collins leapt to his feet, smiling wide when he saw his partner enter the squad room (He saw - telling. How about just 'smiling wide whne his partner entered the squad room.' ?)
impounded()...()on the way to the bone yard (boneyard - 1 word/dictionary.com)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2008
 |
Hey Gayle,
Playing catch-up while watching the Olympics. There was a horse in the show jumping earlier named 'Cumano', who I absolutely loved. LOVED! He's pretty awesome. Jos Lansink of the Netherlands rides him. Check him out if you get the chance!
Anyway, onto the chapter. Good, informative chapter. I was wondering what Melissa might remember about them. And interesting news about Tom, as well. Makes things nice and confusing for the police! Good stuff!
Some things to check out:
Her name tag read (')Kimberly Ashe(')
together without using (')like(')
Kimmie rose, nodded
it wide and nodded at Riley (watch the 'nodded's so close together.)
A petite, well(-)dressed woman
"What did they look like, (<--use a question mark here and then capitalize---> D)id they say anything unusual, act strange?"
"Please give me a name and description (I think you need to pluralize 'name'. There were two of them.)
She raised a hand and flashed brilliant white teeth (kick-->at him)
"I'm sorry(+ ,) but they never came here
you can imagine, but at least no tie()...()loafers, I think. The younger guy, I'm gonna blow this one, Reiki Davidovichski()...()a tad taller, mo (you use spaces before and after ellipses earlier.)
She rolled her eyes (kick--> at him) as light, musical notes rippled
Blacked(-)out window
a perfect (')O(').
"Is there anything you can think of that might help us find these men." (<--consider a question mark here.)
her lips and shook her head. "No, sir, (<--period here instead of comma) I'm sorry."
Collins leapt to his feet, smiling wide when he saw his partner enter the squad room (He saw - telling. How about just 'smiling wide whne his partner entered the squad room.' ?)
impounded()...()on the way to the bone yard (boneyard - 1 word/dictionary.com)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2008
-
Hello, my friend,
As always, I printed out your comments...and my other friend, davidray, and am revamping! Where you see 'like' in the ms that's italicized...EE and all that.
Can't thank you enough for the great reviews. Your're the best here, I tout you all over the forums. You'll be hearing from new friends for help, I'm sure.
Yes, awesome horse...great knees.
Talk soon,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Johnny Carwash
The dialogue was especially good here, but the story itself still grips me unlike anything else on here. Looking forward to reading more. Well done, Gayle. :-)
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2008
|
The dialogue was especially good here, but the story itself still grips me unlike anything else on here. Looking forward to reading more. Well done, Gayle. :-)
Comment Written 14-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2008
-
Hey Johnny,
My goodness, I'm blown away, m'dear. Thanks for all the reads and I'm so sorry they ran out of bucks for you. I'm sorry about that one!
Hey, you have a great weekend and I'll chat when I get back. Jeff's taking me on a little cruise and we're gonna have a computerless weekend...wow!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
Now this guy would have been interesting too. Maybe I can borrow someone like him. LOL.
She raised a hand and flashed brilliant white teeth at him. "Whoa, Detective.
Like I said, I met them once."
( Your buddy here again) Sorry, that's all I see is the Evil eddie thing, which would make difference if you transfer to Word anyway.
hugs
book
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2008
|
Now this guy would have been interesting too. Maybe I can borrow someone like him. LOL.
She raised a hand and flashed brilliant white teeth at him. "Whoa, Detective.
Like I said, I met them once."
( Your buddy here again) Sorry, that's all I see is the Evil eddie thing, which would make difference if you transfer to Word anyway.
hugs
book
Comment Written 14-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2008
-
Hey Heidi!
Wow, you're reading right along, aren't you? Yes, you may use Tom. Actually, I started out on an entirely different track...what's new...and I've sort of wasted him, haven't I. There's a bit more backstory to him, but not much. Question: do you see a bit toooo much resemblance here to Secret Lives?
Thanks for the great comments and I'd love to hear your take on the SL connection!
Hugs,
Gayle
-
No not really. Not enough to make a difference. It's your voice, darling.
BTW. Regarding your email. Sorry this took a while. I really appreciate the offer, but right now let me see how the writer's conference goes. I can't write as fast as you. And I am editing the crap out of BGE, and I really miss writing about Peter Sharpe and need to get a move on there.
Comment from Sylvia Page
Enjoyed this as well Gayle. Investigation going well and they found the van. More into the character of Tom Harris is emerging. Good job.
[Decorated in] chrome, art deco {decor} and lots of freeform sculpture made the room look more like an art gallery than a real estate office.
Sylvia
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2008
|
Enjoyed this as well Gayle. Investigation going well and they found the van. More into the character of Tom Harris is emerging. Good job.
[Decorated in] chrome, art deco {decor} and lots of freeform sculpture made the room look more like an art gallery than a real estate office.
Sylvia
Comment Written 13-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2008
-
Hey Sylvia,
Well, when I began this book, Tom was going to be one of the main characters. As things progressed and the road changed, he lost it! I feel like I've wasted a really good character here, lol. You may borrow him if you have a use!
Thanks so much for the comments and your support.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from davidray
Geez, Gayle ... Io hate it when I serve literally no purpose with a review. I guess all I can say is well done. I didn't find anything to nit at ... and you know i hate it when that happens!
Kiddin'.
Terrific flow. Your dialogue really pushed the story along.
Great work, sweetie!
Hugs,
David xx
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2008
|
Geez, Gayle ... Io hate it when I serve literally no purpose with a review. I guess all I can say is well done. I didn't find anything to nit at ... and you know i hate it when that happens!
Kiddin'.
Terrific flow. Your dialogue really pushed the story along.
Great work, sweetie!
Hugs,
David xx
Comment Written 12-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2008
-
Hey, my friend, you made me smile and that's purpose enough! LOL. I appreciate your kind comments and uplifting remarks.
Hugs, Gayle
Comment from Norbanus
Hi Annabelle,
So, Tom isn't out of the picture after all! This yarn has more twist than a bowl of spaghetti. I can't wait to see what comes next.
I've been away for the weekend and haven't had time to do anything yet, but I'll get to your last few chapters tomorrow.
This is looking better all the time.
Freddie
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2008
|
Hi Annabelle,
So, Tom isn't out of the picture after all! This yarn has more twist than a bowl of spaghetti. I can't wait to see what comes next.
I've been away for the weekend and haven't had time to do anything yet, but I'll get to your last few chapters tomorrow.
This is looking better all the time.
Freddie
Comment Written 12-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2008
-
Hey Freddie,
I was just about to send the scouts looking fer ya! You're the one who encourages all these twisty turnies. I thought I'd never get the hang of it, but looks like you're words rubbed off.
Thanks and big hugs,
Annabelle
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
this guy is certainly in need of medical help, and if he is dangerous, if he kills his own mom!the pictures of the girls are scary.
above twenty years? but why?Is there any reason? hmmmmm
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2008
|
this guy is certainly in need of medical help, and if he is dangerous, if he kills his own mom!the pictures of the girls are scary.
above twenty years? but why?Is there any reason? hmmmmm
Comment Written 11-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2008
-
Hi Stephy,
We're about to uncover old Tom's background. I think Candace is safer with the Ruskies!
Thanks for the great comments and your R&R!
Hugs,
Gayle
-
you can count on them, Gayle.
Comment from Domino
Hi, Gayle.
'words together without using like' -LOL, didn't realise that was a 'blonde' term over there. It's asosiated with dippiness and lack of vocab. here; 'like, yer no wot I mean, Gayley'.(Liverpool accent)
'She shook his hand then indicated a chair in front of her desk. "Please."-love the way you smoothly avoid most common speach tags.
Another great chapter, perfect dialogue and people descriptions/reactions.
Just the right time to reintroduce Tom and his dodgy background. Had me fooled, I thought he may have been Gayle's discarded kid. Maybe still is?
Great chapter, nice length. Ray xx
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2008
|
Hi, Gayle.
'words together without using like' -LOL, didn't realise that was a 'blonde' term over there. It's asosiated with dippiness and lack of vocab. here; 'like, yer no wot I mean, Gayley'.(Liverpool accent)
'She shook his hand then indicated a chair in front of her desk. "Please."-love the way you smoothly avoid most common speach tags.
Another great chapter, perfect dialogue and people descriptions/reactions.
Just the right time to reintroduce Tom and his dodgy background. Had me fooled, I thought he may have been Gayle's discarded kid. Maybe still is?
Great chapter, nice length. Ray xx
Comment Written 11-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2008
-
LOL! Ray, you're such a cutie. I just love your reviews.
Ah, the word 'like' ...similar to sunshine. We have an abundance of both here in SoCal. Mostly it's the Valley Girl thing. Like, y'know? LOL!
Thanks for the great comments and support. Er, Candace's discarded kid?? LOL,
big hugs,
Gayle
-
See, Gayle, I can't get you off my mind, LOL. Ray xx
Comment from Readywriter52
I think if Riley had told Ms. Malone that he was investigating a murder, she wouldn't have been so flippant about the matter. I think she did answer the questions as best she could. Tom Harris turned out to be a nutcase. So he wasn't part of the kidnapping.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2008
|
I think if Riley had told Ms. Malone that he was investigating a murder, she wouldn't have been so flippant about the matter. I think she did answer the questions as best she could. Tom Harris turned out to be a nutcase. So he wasn't part of the kidnapping.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2008
-
Hi RW,
Yeah, Tom had nothing to do with the Russians. He had his own nefarious plans. Talk about a coincidence, huh?
Yeah, our Detective is a cutie and I think Ms. Malone was flirting with him!
Thanks so much for the R&R and for your great comments. Hope to see you again soon,
Hugs,
Gayle
