Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "First Contact"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
24 total reviews
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
the building up of suspense is commendable. The caller has a blocked Id. this is already a give away of a suspicious act.Get down to the call and we find that true, your events are sequenced well.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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the building up of suspense is commendable. The caller has a blocked Id. this is already a give away of a suspicious act.Get down to the call and we find that true, your events are sequenced well.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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Hello my little friend,
Thank you so much for the comments and fine review, Stephy. I always enjoy hearing from you and hope all is well!
Hugs and thanks,
Gayle
Comment from sharon fallis
Here we go again. Another very good write. Sweetie, you sure know how to get 'my' attention! Love your mystery and murder stories. Very good word choices and usage. Wonderful imagery. Sharon
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2008
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Here we go again. Another very good write. Sweetie, you sure know how to get 'my' attention! Love your mystery and murder stories. Very good word choices and usage. Wonderful imagery. Sharon
Comment Written 09-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2008
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Hey Sharon,
Thanks so much for this. I can't thank you enough you're such a dear friend.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Lynn27
Hi gayle,
This is a wonderful chapter! You have wonderful details too.
I just kept wondering what is going to happen next!
Excellent Chapter!
Lynn
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2008
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Hi gayle,
This is a wonderful chapter! You have wonderful details too.
I just kept wondering what is going to happen next!
Excellent Chapter!
Lynn
Comment Written 29-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2008
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Hi Lynn,
You're catching up, I see. I'm thrilled with your comments and thank you so much for your support.
Gayle
Comment from Johnny Carwash
What more can I say that I haven't said about your work a million times before? You are a flawless writer and your work never fails to entertain. :-)
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2008
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What more can I say that I haven't said about your work a million times before? You are a flawless writer and your work never fails to entertain. :-)
Comment Written 14-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2008
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Oh, Johnny, you make an old girl blush.
Thanks so much for always being there for me. You lift my spirits, for sure.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from K Ames
Another fine chapter. I cannot imagine receiving a call like that, especially in what was supposed to be the biggest business moment of my life.
"stalkers do not pair up" - this sounds a bit robotic - stalkers don't pair up
"who took their dinner order and left them in privacy." - I don't think this is grammatically correct. You might consider -
"Man, I can drink to that," Dan said.
He accepted a martini from the waiter who took their order and left them in privacy.
I noticed that you used the word area several times within a short span of description. Two would probably be okay.
course the area
Lenny and Jim studied the area - surroundings
The detective glanced around the area - just stop after glanced around
Riley studied the area
took a look at the dog - glanced at the dog?
trail they took - this is in the same paragraph
took their seats - approached their seats?
took their dinner - listend to their order? wrote down their order?
"Lenny snapped HIS fingers, made a fist with HIS right hand, pounded IT into HIS left palm twice then extended HIS index finger and pointed in a sweeping motion." - I thought this passage might have been a little too descriptive when I read it. It also opened the narrative to a semi-flood of pronouns. - Lenny snapped his fingers and made a fist, pounding it into an open palm before extending an index finger and pointing in a sweeping motion. - this seems to flow better and cuts the pronouns from 4 to 1.
Try to watch out for overuse of vague terms in your descriptions. I'm always having to try and hammer the word several out of my narration
several times in quick succession
several times she had to jump
several administrations - multiple administrations
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2008
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Another fine chapter. I cannot imagine receiving a call like that, especially in what was supposed to be the biggest business moment of my life.
"stalkers do not pair up" - this sounds a bit robotic - stalkers don't pair up
"who took their dinner order and left them in privacy." - I don't think this is grammatically correct. You might consider -
"Man, I can drink to that," Dan said.
He accepted a martini from the waiter who took their order and left them in privacy.
I noticed that you used the word area several times within a short span of description. Two would probably be okay.
course the area
Lenny and Jim studied the area - surroundings
The detective glanced around the area - just stop after glanced around
Riley studied the area
took a look at the dog - glanced at the dog?
trail they took - this is in the same paragraph
took their seats - approached their seats?
took their dinner - listend to their order? wrote down their order?
"Lenny snapped HIS fingers, made a fist with HIS right hand, pounded IT into HIS left palm twice then extended HIS index finger and pointed in a sweeping motion." - I thought this passage might have been a little too descriptive when I read it. It also opened the narrative to a semi-flood of pronouns. - Lenny snapped his fingers and made a fist, pounding it into an open palm before extending an index finger and pointing in a sweeping motion. - this seems to flow better and cuts the pronouns from 4 to 1.
Try to watch out for overuse of vague terms in your descriptions. I'm always having to try and hammer the word several out of my narration
several times in quick succession
several times she had to jump
several administrations - multiple administrations
Comment Written 07-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2008
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Hey XLK,
I reworked that par. where Lenny signals to the dog.
Now, I don't mind using common words like 'took or several' since they kinda just 'blend into the writing woodwork' at least when I read. Nonetheless, I dispensed with one of each! :-)
Now the 'stalkers do not' bit, Lenny is saying it that way for emphasis. In past chapters he's said the same thing; it's puzzling to him.
Hey, great to see you and thanks so much for the time and effort for this excellent review.
Gayle
Comment from davidray
Hi Gayle,
The story line seems to be cruising right along. Great narration, very believable dialogue. I don't think there are any obvious weaknesses that slapped me across the face, so well done.
There are some places where formatting has given you an extra space between paragraphs.
A couple tiny thing to look at:
-She stopped about four feet in, cast about again (you said these exact words in the previous sentence, sweetie. Just mentioning it in case it's something you'd like to change.)
-Jim closed his eyes a moment then shrugged again. (In this paragrpah, you've used semi colons twicw, where I believe you could have used periods. SOmething to remember: semi colons shouldn't be used too often.)
That's it!
Continue marching right along.....
Best wishes,
David
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2008
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Hi Gayle,
The story line seems to be cruising right along. Great narration, very believable dialogue. I don't think there are any obvious weaknesses that slapped me across the face, so well done.
There are some places where formatting has given you an extra space between paragraphs.
A couple tiny thing to look at:
-She stopped about four feet in, cast about again (you said these exact words in the previous sentence, sweetie. Just mentioning it in case it's something you'd like to change.)
-Jim closed his eyes a moment then shrugged again. (In this paragrpah, you've used semi colons twicw, where I believe you could have used periods. SOmething to remember: semi colons shouldn't be used too often.)
That's it!
Continue marching right along.....
Best wishes,
David
Comment Written 05-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2008
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Hey David,
thanks for the edits. Y'know, that 'cast' thingy. I need to get another word...will do. I hate it when I get in a rush...I screw up. I'll get the errant ;;;'s out of there! :-)
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Sissy
Hi Gayle,
Good hook at the end there! This was a really good chapter, Gayle, you had us wondering what the dogs would find, what would happen b/w the police and Lenny and Jim, and then the whole, would Andy find out about his wife, yet, thing.
Things are rolling along.
Some things to check out:
The Doberman sniffed vigorously, drawing in long breaths, her mouth slightly open as though tasting the aroma.
(I'm being really picky here, but the 'sniffed vigorously' bugged me a bit, with the 'drawing in long breaths, her mouth slightly open...' You don't need the 'sniffed vigorously', really. Your call.)
He reached down, stroked the dark chestnut head once and removed her collar. "
Cricket hurried down the stairs
(reached down/hurried down. Maybe adjust first: 'He stroked the dark chestnut head once...')
A well-deserved promotion, my friend(.) (C)ongratulations."
Strange isn't (+ it), him losing
Andy continued to respond as the committee members read the report (don't need--->before them),
Dan Knoff, when the query ('queries'. Go plural here, you are talking about multiple things after.-->) surrounded retrofitting car engines, planes and eventually, the space shuttle.
How would existing cars be converted and other machinery as well? (awkardly phrased. Try: 'How would existing cars and other machinery be converted?')
Andy smiled (don't need/implied--->at her). "Thank you, Dr. Goldberg.
She offered a pretty smile and (consider changing this 'and' to 'with', to eliminate double 'and' in this sentence.) the menus and left the table.
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2008
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Hi Gayle,
Good hook at the end there! This was a really good chapter, Gayle, you had us wondering what the dogs would find, what would happen b/w the police and Lenny and Jim, and then the whole, would Andy find out about his wife, yet, thing.
Things are rolling along.
Some things to check out:
The Doberman sniffed vigorously, drawing in long breaths, her mouth slightly open as though tasting the aroma.
(I'm being really picky here, but the 'sniffed vigorously' bugged me a bit, with the 'drawing in long breaths, her mouth slightly open...' You don't need the 'sniffed vigorously', really. Your call.)
He reached down, stroked the dark chestnut head once and removed her collar. "
Cricket hurried down the stairs
(reached down/hurried down. Maybe adjust first: 'He stroked the dark chestnut head once...')
A well-deserved promotion, my friend(.) (C)ongratulations."
Strange isn't (+ it), him losing
Andy continued to respond as the committee members read the report (don't need--->before them),
Dan Knoff, when the query ('queries'. Go plural here, you are talking about multiple things after.-->) surrounded retrofitting car engines, planes and eventually, the space shuttle.
How would existing cars be converted and other machinery as well? (awkardly phrased. Try: 'How would existing cars and other machinery be converted?')
Andy smiled (don't need/implied--->at her). "Thank you, Dr. Goldberg.
She offered a pretty smile and (consider changing this 'and' to 'with', to eliminate double 'and' in this sentence.) the menus and left the table.
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
Comment Written 05-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2008
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Hello my little horsie friend! How's the show season treating you? Okay...that sniffing virogously. Okay, you know how dogs, they'll go snif, snif, snif, ...real fast, then they kinda hold their breath for a minute? It's like they're, what, tasting the smell? I'll have to get in there and check that out. I really tried HARD on that one! Sob, sniff! LOL!
I'll get the others, as well. Already pasted out and I'm on the way to make fix.
Yo da bestest!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Sylvia Page
Enjoyed the progress of the story so far. The imagery was excellent I could just picture Cricket leaping and racing away.
One small nit...
Strange isn't [it], him losing both keys and wallet
Look forward to your next chapter.
Sylvia
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2008
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Enjoyed the progress of the story so far. The imagery was excellent I could just picture Cricket leaping and racing away.
One small nit...
Strange isn't [it], him losing both keys and wallet
Look forward to your next chapter.
Sylvia
Comment Written 04-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2008
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Hey Sylvia,
Thanks for catching that 'it' for me. Will fix.
Thanks for the super review and for being such a supportive friend. YOur comments are appreciated.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
I enjoyed reading this chapter, and I couldn't find any nits. Poor, unlamented Tom Harris. Perhaps, he will make his glorious contribution to mankind by having died at the right spot...
Also, and as usual, you do a really good job with posh restaurants.
Dave M
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2008
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Gayle,
I enjoyed reading this chapter, and I couldn't find any nits. Poor, unlamented Tom Harris. Perhaps, he will make his glorious contribution to mankind by having died at the right spot...
Also, and as usual, you do a really good job with posh restaurants.
Dave M
Comment Written 04-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2008
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Hey, Dave,
HA! I just think he muddied up the waters real good. We'll get to the bottom of his story here real soon...just a vehicle, in the end. We just had to get all the folks together!
Thanks for the great comments,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from medisec
I've missed a lot of chapters it would appear since I've been away. I've had the daunting task of trying to 'catch up', and am afraid I've had to skip a few of your earlier ones due to time constraints. I'm reviewing this on the writing only, as I might have to guess at the contents of other chapters to get up-to-date on the story. You're a good writer; I only found a few things I've made note of:
in the way of tracks(,) but it did offer
Everything fits(,) so I think
Strange isn't (it), him losing
studied the area(,) then shrugged
planes(,) and eventually
a pretty smile and the menus(,) and left the table.
Out of habit(,) he glanced
Sorry for the delay and having to skip some of your work.
Rae
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2008
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I've missed a lot of chapters it would appear since I've been away. I've had the daunting task of trying to 'catch up', and am afraid I've had to skip a few of your earlier ones due to time constraints. I'm reviewing this on the writing only, as I might have to guess at the contents of other chapters to get up-to-date on the story. You're a good writer; I only found a few things I've made note of:
in the way of tracks(,) but it did offer
Everything fits(,) so I think
Strange isn't (it), him losing
studied the area(,) then shrugged
planes(,) and eventually
a pretty smile and the menus(,) and left the table.
Out of habit(,) he glanced
Sorry for the delay and having to skip some of your work.
Rae
Comment Written 04-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2008
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Hey Rae,
Me and those deranged commas! I will get in there and make fix. Thanks for pointing them out and don't worry about being behind. We'll wait for you!
Hugs,
Gayle
