The Suicide Note
A man hits rock-bottom and gets what he deserves.39 total reviews
Comment from babylonia
jan,
a fitting piece for flash fiction. easy to read and follow. no spaggies do i see. imagery is excellent. don't worry about not replying quickly, i understand you are busy. keep up the good work~
good luck~
love,
barbara
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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jan,
a fitting piece for flash fiction. easy to read and follow. no spaggies do i see. imagery is excellent. don't worry about not replying quickly, i understand you are busy. keep up the good work~
good luck~
love,
barbara
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Thank you so much, Barbara.
Jan
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jan,
you are very welcome~
love,
barbara
Comment from AlvinTEthington
You have captured so well how the tortures of alcoholism and mental illness play off each other and how the only answer is faith. You portray friendship so well. The use of the name "Mercy" was a work of genius. I think the voices do lessen once the alcohol is out of the body; the "subject" seems to think alcohol stops the voices, but over a long period of time they only make one worse and emotionally cripple the "subject." Faith makes the "subject" human, as you illustrate so well.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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You have captured so well how the tortures of alcoholism and mental illness play off each other and how the only answer is faith. You portray friendship so well. The use of the name "Mercy" was a work of genius. I think the voices do lessen once the alcohol is out of the body; the "subject" seems to think alcohol stops the voices, but over a long period of time they only make one worse and emotionally cripple the "subject." Faith makes the "subject" human, as you illustrate so well.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Thank you so much for this exceptional rating and the profound review. Your comments mean the world to me. Many thanks for your wonderful comments.
Hugs,
Jan
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
I thought of suicide a few times and I tried a long time ago. I don't do it anymore but I wish that someone would have told me what I put below.
Dear child, how wrong you are. You have much to offer the lost people in this world, for you have been there, and can understand their pain."
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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I thought of suicide a few times and I tried a long time ago. I don't do it anymore but I wish that someone would have told me what I put below.
Dear child, how wrong you are. You have much to offer the lost people in this world, for you have been there, and can understand their pain."
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Thank you so much for the review. I am sorry to hear you have experienced such deep pain. I am also thankful you never followed it through. Life can be so hard.
Hugs,
Jan
Comment from Jewell McChesney
Jan,
What a beautifu write. There are so many in this world who feel God could care less how they feel or what they are going through. Bless you for sharing this good news.
Wonderful and comforting. I see no errors.
Jewell
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Jan,
What a beautifu write. There are so many in this world who feel God could care less how they feel or what they are going through. Bless you for sharing this good news.
Wonderful and comforting. I see no errors.
Jewell
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Thank you so much, Jewell! Always wonderful to hear from you.
Hugs,
Jan
Comment from Kym Jade
Sorry I couldn't get the music on this comp. it doesn't have a sound card. Unfortunately also I am not familiar with the title you gave either. An interesting little story. good luck with the contest.
Best wishes and dreams
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Sorry I couldn't get the music on this comp. it doesn't have a sound card. Unfortunately also I am not familiar with the title you gave either. An interesting little story. good luck with the contest.
Best wishes and dreams
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Try going to this website : http://www.friendshipbaptistchurch.com/music/andromeda.php
They have a long list of songs, but if you scroll down the page, you will come across the song by the Christian group, Phillips, Craig and Dean, called "When God Ran." It is a beautiful song. Thank you so much for the review.
Hugs,
Jan
Comment from tteach
This is an interesting story. I love that an angel, Mercy, comes to the man. She calls for Jesus, then goes for help while Jesus sits and watches. I admire anyone who attempts this form. I can't seem to write in such few words.
well done
terry
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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This is an interesting story. I love that an angel, Mercy, comes to the man. She calls for Jesus, then goes for help while Jesus sits and watches. I admire anyone who attempts this form. I can't seem to write in such few words.
well done
terry
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Thank you so much, Terry.
Hugs,
Jan
Comment from RenieReader
This is such a beautiful and well-written story to show us how God runs to our aid. All we have to do is ask or call. I love the picture and music you have chosen to go with this piece. Thank you for the reminder, dear Jan.
Renie
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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This is such a beautiful and well-written story to show us how God runs to our aid. All we have to do is ask or call. I love the picture and music you have chosen to go with this piece. Thank you for the reminder, dear Jan.
Renie
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Thank you so much, Renie!
Hugs,
Jan
Comment from Buctar
Janilou:
I haven't read any of your work for a while. I'm glad I came across this one. It was an enjoyable read.
A couple of observations for your consideration. See what you think.
No-one cares anyway, he thought, pushing back from the table and staggering to his feet, knocking the can to the carpet to join its companions. (The internal dialogue is in italics. That alone tells the reader that it is a thought. There is no need to also tell them that in narrative. Recommend: No-one cares anyway. He pushed back from the table and staggered to his feet, knocking the can to the carpet to join its companions.)
"Jesus!" the woman exclaimed, looking RIGHT through the ceiling and up to heaven. (As used here, RIGHT is one of those useless words that add nothing--sort of like VERY. Recommend: "Jesus!" the woman exclaimed, looking through the ceiling and up to heaven.)
Returning to the apartment, Mercy touched her hand to Jesus's shoulder. (Remove the S after the apostrophe in Jesus.[ Recommend: Jesus'. If a singular ends in an s or z sound, add the apostrophe and s for words of one syllable. Add only the apostrophe for words more than one syllable unless you expect the pronunciation of the second s or z sound. Harbrace College Handbook])
I enjoyed the read.
Bill
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Janilou:
I haven't read any of your work for a while. I'm glad I came across this one. It was an enjoyable read.
A couple of observations for your consideration. See what you think.
No-one cares anyway, he thought, pushing back from the table and staggering to his feet, knocking the can to the carpet to join its companions. (The internal dialogue is in italics. That alone tells the reader that it is a thought. There is no need to also tell them that in narrative. Recommend: No-one cares anyway. He pushed back from the table and staggered to his feet, knocking the can to the carpet to join its companions.)
"Jesus!" the woman exclaimed, looking RIGHT through the ceiling and up to heaven. (As used here, RIGHT is one of those useless words that add nothing--sort of like VERY. Recommend: "Jesus!" the woman exclaimed, looking through the ceiling and up to heaven.)
Returning to the apartment, Mercy touched her hand to Jesus's shoulder. (Remove the S after the apostrophe in Jesus.[ Recommend: Jesus'. If a singular ends in an s or z sound, add the apostrophe and s for words of one syllable. Add only the apostrophe for words more than one syllable unless you expect the pronunciation of the second s or z sound. Harbrace College Handbook])
I enjoyed the read.
Bill
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Thanks, Bill. Good suggestions and I have corrected as needed, I hope. I really appreciate the review.
Hugs,
Jan
Comment from Charza
Hi Janilou,
You have the makings of a fine homily/parable here. I'd like to see you take the whole piece and tighten up the presentation.
I'd suggest a title change, first. "God Run" could work, or something similar.
My next suggestion would be to take your intro and integrate it into the story. Right now you have the hopeless man in a little scene of his own, and that requires an awkward break when you get into the meat of the story.
I suggest opening with Mercy watching so that she's already in the room when the man falls:
Mercy toppled the Budweiser. It pitched over and foamed, amber and white across the scrawled note on the table.
Hopeless watched in disbelief and threatened the voices ringing in his ears. "Shut up! Shut up or I'll burn every last one of you!" He clutched at the soggy mess, all that remained of his suicide note. The voices, always there, always chattering leaned in close and whispered slyly that no one cared. No one ever cared. No one ever would care. Can't even get a stupid note right.
Still clutching the empty pill bottle in his hand, he leapt up to rage against the noise for the hundreth time. Black swarmed behind his eyes, and Mercy closed his ears. She caught him when he pitched forward and laid him gently down.
Her moonspun gown shimmered in the dingy light.She lifted the wet paper and her tears dropped and threw off warm golden light where they fell. "Oh Jesus, he so needs you. He is blind to love all around him. He thinks no one cares."
Looking down at the still figure on the floor, she clutched her chest, feeling his pain as her own. "Dear child, how wrong you are. Your friends love you deeply. You have so much to offer the lost people in this world."
"God, where are You? Why can't I feel Your love?" the man moaned. He convulsed for several seconds, and lay still.
...and on from there.
This is a fine little tale. I enjoyed it, thanks for posting.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Hi Janilou,
You have the makings of a fine homily/parable here. I'd like to see you take the whole piece and tighten up the presentation.
I'd suggest a title change, first. "God Run" could work, or something similar.
My next suggestion would be to take your intro and integrate it into the story. Right now you have the hopeless man in a little scene of his own, and that requires an awkward break when you get into the meat of the story.
I suggest opening with Mercy watching so that she's already in the room when the man falls:
Mercy toppled the Budweiser. It pitched over and foamed, amber and white across the scrawled note on the table.
Hopeless watched in disbelief and threatened the voices ringing in his ears. "Shut up! Shut up or I'll burn every last one of you!" He clutched at the soggy mess, all that remained of his suicide note. The voices, always there, always chattering leaned in close and whispered slyly that no one cared. No one ever cared. No one ever would care. Can't even get a stupid note right.
Still clutching the empty pill bottle in his hand, he leapt up to rage against the noise for the hundreth time. Black swarmed behind his eyes, and Mercy closed his ears. She caught him when he pitched forward and laid him gently down.
Her moonspun gown shimmered in the dingy light.She lifted the wet paper and her tears dropped and threw off warm golden light where they fell. "Oh Jesus, he so needs you. He is blind to love all around him. He thinks no one cares."
Looking down at the still figure on the floor, she clutched her chest, feeling his pain as her own. "Dear child, how wrong you are. Your friends love you deeply. You have so much to offer the lost people in this world."
"God, where are You? Why can't I feel Your love?" the man moaned. He convulsed for several seconds, and lay still.
...and on from there.
This is a fine little tale. I enjoyed it, thanks for posting.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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I am glad you enjoyed it, and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Hugs,
Jan
Comment from mmichelle97219
Isn't that the way it is with all true parents? They cry and we come running no matter the time. I thought this was just very good, Jan. Don't work too hard.
Michelle
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Isn't that the way it is with all true parents? They cry and we come running no matter the time. I thought this was just very good, Jan. Don't work too hard.
Michelle
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Very true indeed.Thanks, Michelle.
Hugs,
Jan
