The Suicide Note
A man hits rock-bottom and gets what he deserves.39 total reviews
Comment from Wendyanne
Hi Janilou. This is a well written spiritual story in which Jesus comes to the assistance of someone in their time of need. Well done
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Hi Janilou. This is a well written spiritual story in which Jesus comes to the assistance of someone in their time of need. Well done
Comment Written 31-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Many thanks, Wendyanne.
Jan
Comment from jeslaf
Whew, that was a tender and powerful ending. I hope it sparks interest in someone seeking. I absolutely love the personification of Mercy as a character in this tale, and the interplay between Mercy and Jesus. I believe it is true indeed, and I thank you for the reminder. : )
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Whew, that was a tender and powerful ending. I hope it sparks interest in someone seeking. I absolutely love the personification of Mercy as a character in this tale, and the interplay between Mercy and Jesus. I believe it is true indeed, and I thank you for the reminder. : )
Comment Written 30-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Thank you for the review. So glad you enjoyed it!
Jan
Comment from P1
it has been quite a while since i reviewed and
this is totally different from what i am used to
from you, but it is oh so good. such powerful and
vivid imagery, very realistic, frighteningly so
thank you for sharing. hugs.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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it has been quite a while since i reviewed and
this is totally different from what i am used to
from you, but it is oh so good. such powerful and
vivid imagery, very realistic, frighteningly so
thank you for sharing. hugs.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Many thanks! So glad to know you liked it.
Jan
Comment from cassie99
The message in this story is beautiful and I think I will keep it in my heart. I love the image of God running to me when I need help. Beautifully written. Please don't feel like you need to respond as you're so pressed for time, but thank you for the story. Chris
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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The message in this story is beautiful and I think I will keep it in my heart. I love the image of God running to me when I need help. Beautifully written. Please don't feel like you need to respond as you're so pressed for time, but thank you for the story. Chris
Comment Written 30-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Many thanks, Chris. You are very welcome.
Jan
Comment from blubobsmom
No one cares... -- no hyphen
... for you have been there and can understand their pain. -- no comma unless subject is added to the second clause -- ... for you have been there, and you can understand their pain.
... she found the man's best friend at his office, several miles away, and ... (I'd switch the location phrases, it flows better, from definite towards general)
This is a beautiful picture you've described. The images are vivid and the emotion is clear and well-placed. Great job.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2008
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No one cares... -- no hyphen
... for you have been there and can understand their pain. -- no comma unless subject is added to the second clause -- ... for you have been there, and you can understand their pain.
... she found the man's best friend at his office, several miles away, and ... (I'd switch the location phrases, it flows better, from definite towards general)
This is a beautiful picture you've described. The images are vivid and the emotion is clear and well-placed. Great job.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2008
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Thank you so much for the review. I have fallen way behind in answering reviews and have finally resorted to using a carbon copy answer to catch up! We have house guests and an exchange student staying with us right now. Please know I have read your review and if you made suggestions or corrections, I have considered and/or applied them. Many thanks for reading my work. It means more to me than I can ever say.
Hugs,
Jan
Comment from maxer
Not my cup of tea, yet I enjoyed your use of adjectives in regards to description.
In addition, I liked the use of duplicity...? [Is that the right word?] I guess suicide is a sin, but Jesus and the lot came running regardless. That's pretty cool.
Perhaps he was just inebriated and hadn't yet gotten around to it and was 'saved' prior to his demise through what us alcoholics refer to as a 'moment of clarity'? I will re-read to make sure.
If I could be so bold as to interject a recommendation: I would explore a bit more deeply into this guy killing himself and why or if not the whole story, maybe just give us a taste of what he's going through. Smells and sights and such. You use the word "Budweiser" which I think is kind of out of context and you mention briefly that he's in an alcoholic slumber, so you could probably tweak that so it flowed just a bit more with the rhythm of the piece. I think one or two "wretched" or "graphic" like sentences could sum up a suicidal addict [sounds like a contest] and give us some insight. I'm going to guess you really like writing about the ephemeral stuff, which is fine, but to make it sound even more 'holy and pure' give a taste of the nasty.
Anywho, thanks for sharing.
Just my $.02
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Not my cup of tea, yet I enjoyed your use of adjectives in regards to description.
In addition, I liked the use of duplicity...? [Is that the right word?] I guess suicide is a sin, but Jesus and the lot came running regardless. That's pretty cool.
Perhaps he was just inebriated and hadn't yet gotten around to it and was 'saved' prior to his demise through what us alcoholics refer to as a 'moment of clarity'? I will re-read to make sure.
If I could be so bold as to interject a recommendation: I would explore a bit more deeply into this guy killing himself and why or if not the whole story, maybe just give us a taste of what he's going through. Smells and sights and such. You use the word "Budweiser" which I think is kind of out of context and you mention briefly that he's in an alcoholic slumber, so you could probably tweak that so it flowed just a bit more with the rhythm of the piece. I think one or two "wretched" or "graphic" like sentences could sum up a suicidal addict [sounds like a contest] and give us some insight. I'm going to guess you really like writing about the ephemeral stuff, which is fine, but to make it sound even more 'holy and pure' give a taste of the nasty.
Anywho, thanks for sharing.
Just my $.02
Comment Written 30-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Thanks, Maxer. I appreciate your input.
Jan
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Wow! Now there is a statement in Faith. While I hold to a, perhaps, more orthodox view, I still believe that Christ will be there - indeed is always there even when through my own blindness I can't see Him.
Well done!
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Wow! Now there is a statement in Faith. While I hold to a, perhaps, more orthodox view, I still believe that Christ will be there - indeed is always there even when through my own blindness I can't see Him.
Well done!
Comment Written 30-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Thank you so much for awarding this story a six-star review. I deeply appreciate your kind words.
Jan
Comment from Nescher Pyscher
::wiping at eyes::
Yep.
It's a beauty, Josi. I LOVED the personification of Mercy. She felt like a loving mother to me, and came off as perfect.
Well done.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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::wiping at eyes::
Yep.
It's a beauty, Josi. I LOVED the personification of Mercy. She felt like a loving mother to me, and came off as perfect.
Well done.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Awwww, thanks, Nescher!
Hugs,
Jan
Comment from Dave M
Janilou,
This is an excellent story. I couldn't find any nits or anything to criticize about the writing.
But you make something of the man's schizophrenia. One of the first symptoms of this disease is an inability to filter out background noise. Such things as a neighbor's lawn mower, a passing airplane or crickets at night become intrusive and distracting. Perhaps, the alcohol is an attempt at self-medication. Lord knows, mentally ill people are not being looked after like they should be.
Dave M
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Janilou,
This is an excellent story. I couldn't find any nits or anything to criticize about the writing.
But you make something of the man's schizophrenia. One of the first symptoms of this disease is an inability to filter out background noise. Such things as a neighbor's lawn mower, a passing airplane or crickets at night become intrusive and distracting. Perhaps, the alcohol is an attempt at self-medication. Lord knows, mentally ill people are not being looked after like they should be.
Dave M
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Thank you, Dave. I didn't know that. Very interesting comments. I really appreciate the review.
Jan
Comment from ledford
After being notified of it beingrmoved from the contest, I did a rerate....
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This is beautiful story, and I hated to dock it, but I did not see any reference to the required contest topic ... the subway.
One suggestion:
"God run, when He heard your cry for help," no comma is needed after "run"
God bless:-)
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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After being notified of it beingrmoved from the contest, I did a rerate....
~
This is beautiful story, and I hated to dock it, but I did not see any reference to the required contest topic ... the subway.
One suggestion:
"God run, when He heard your cry for help," no comma is needed after "run"
God bless:-)
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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You are correct, and as such I will have to ask Tom to remove it from the contest. I have been so busy, I didn't check back to re-read the contest requirements again before submitting the entry. I am sad that you rated the story itself on a contest requirement, which I would think is the job of the committee, but such is life.
Hugs,
Jan
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I thought that was a part of the reviewing process, to read the contest requirements and base our ratings as such. If I am wrong, I would be happy to change my rating. I certainly thought it was a beautiful story.
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It may well be. :-) I have sent a PM to Tom asking him to remove it from the contest. If he does so, perhaps then you might re-review?
Hugs,
Jan
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Sure will:-) Just let me know.
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I will. I am just glad you pointed it out. Duh, I feel so silly. I didn't look at the contest requirements again before posting! I reserved my place a long time ago. Must be something to do with getting up at 4.30 every morning and still being awake and writing replies on FanStory at this time of night! LOL
Hugs,
Jan
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Hey there. Tom removed it from the contest for me. :-) If you would re-rate, I would be very happy. Thanks for pointing out my error. Hugs, Jan
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I bumped it up to a six:-)
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Bless your heart! I never expected that. Thank you so much for the honor.
Hugs,
Jan
