Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Mommy, where are you!"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
19 total reviews
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
Hi, Gayle.Another fantastic chapter up. I shall have to run through the first few to see the plot. The dog sounds very much like a real one, I must say you have a good way of putting the image of the scene right before us without sating it straight out. The indirect approach is very impressive.
SJ
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2008
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Hi, Gayle.Another fantastic chapter up. I shall have to run through the first few to see the plot. The dog sounds very much like a real one, I must say you have a good way of putting the image of the scene right before us without sating it straight out. The indirect approach is very impressive.
SJ
Comment Written 01-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2008
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Hi Stephy,
Thanks so much for the R&R. I really appreciate the kind, supportive comments. They're appreciated,
Gayle
Comment from davidray
Hi Gayle,
Though tempted to give you a four star,I'm not. No duh, eh? I enjoyed reading this section. It was interesting and some spurts of terrific dialogue and narration, but was weaker in some areas. See if you agree.
A few things for your consideration, please:
-"Mom! Are you here...." (?)
-Betsy saw Jane sitting on the veranda next to the door and cried out, "Mom, are you alright? (I'd remove the 'and cried out' bit. It really adds nothing to the urgency of the sentence.)
-Jane pulled herself from the flagstone patio with the help of a deck chair. (Is it really important we know about the flagstone patio? If not, try this for size: 'With the help of a deck chair, Jane straightened.')
-Did you see her? Where's Candace?" (I think, beyond a doubt, most mothers will be carapping bricks at the thought of a kid being lost. Egad! I reckon, before the 'Where's Candice?' question, her eyes would be scanning the area, panic in her voice, her eyes widened with alarm ... yada yada yada. YOu catch my drift, then she focusses on asking 'Where's Candice?, gripping Sara's shoulders or something.)
-Then we heard this car and now," she pointed at the road and shuddered. (thi is not a speech tag, my dear. the dialogue is perfectly fine, but you need something like this afterward: Then we heard this car." She pointed at the road and shuddered.)
-no one in Sara's life offered more to her sense of safety than Jane (try to refrain from using the character's names so often. Here,I'd say: ... nobody in HER life ... YOu see, Gayle, we know it's Sara already, because you're using Jane's name right afterward, right?)
-"You stay right here, okay? I'll be right back, Jane." (I think this sounds more natural: You stay rhere,Jane. I'll be right back.' I dropped one of the 'right' words.)
-Resolute, Sara ran down the steps and up the driveway. (I know you're just trying to stop from starting a sentence with her name here, but the word 'Resolute' doesn't jive here. Start with her name. It's fine that way.)
-"Sadie?" Sara called. I'd put the dialogue wit the previous paragraph and then drop the speech tag It isn't necessary when you shove "Sadie?" up with the other paragraph, where it belongs.)
-variety of sounds like nothing Sara had ever heard before. (like nothing Sara hadn't heard.' We don't need to add the before. We know when you say she hadn't heard the sound, you must mean before, right?)
-chewing, growling and even giving an occasional snap (drop the 'even'.)
-"Come, Sadie," Sara said as she climbed the steps. "Here, girl." (When using speech tags, try not to add the he said, she said thing with any more than about 25% of them. Here's what I'd do with this one: 'Come SAdie." Sara climbed the steps. "Here girl." Reads a bit faster.)
-The dog ignored her, ran across the yard and disappeared into the woods like she had the last time. (like she did before.)
-"Oh, you poor little girl," he said as he watched her whirl in circles, trying to tell him something. (Same thing with the speech tag I mentioned above.I think there's another example in the beginning of my review. Drop the 'he said as' and tighten it.)
-He sat on the road while Sadie crawled all over him, just like when she was a puppy and wanted to play. Only this time, there was no play. When she couldn't seem to get him to do what she wanted, she grabbed hold of the front
of his shirt and jerked several times. (formatting problem.)
-Rudy hopped behind the wheel of the Suburban (The way you've worded this, it sounds like he's hopping while behind the wheel. Try: Rudy hopped in behind the wheel....)
Have a terrificly super-dee-duper night!!
Always,
David
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Hi Gayle,
Though tempted to give you a four star,I'm not. No duh, eh? I enjoyed reading this section. It was interesting and some spurts of terrific dialogue and narration, but was weaker in some areas. See if you agree.
A few things for your consideration, please:
-"Mom! Are you here...." (?)
-Betsy saw Jane sitting on the veranda next to the door and cried out, "Mom, are you alright? (I'd remove the 'and cried out' bit. It really adds nothing to the urgency of the sentence.)
-Jane pulled herself from the flagstone patio with the help of a deck chair. (Is it really important we know about the flagstone patio? If not, try this for size: 'With the help of a deck chair, Jane straightened.')
-Did you see her? Where's Candace?" (I think, beyond a doubt, most mothers will be carapping bricks at the thought of a kid being lost. Egad! I reckon, before the 'Where's Candice?' question, her eyes would be scanning the area, panic in her voice, her eyes widened with alarm ... yada yada yada. YOu catch my drift, then she focusses on asking 'Where's Candice?, gripping Sara's shoulders or something.)
-Then we heard this car and now," she pointed at the road and shuddered. (thi is not a speech tag, my dear. the dialogue is perfectly fine, but you need something like this afterward: Then we heard this car." She pointed at the road and shuddered.)
-no one in Sara's life offered more to her sense of safety than Jane (try to refrain from using the character's names so often. Here,I'd say: ... nobody in HER life ... YOu see, Gayle, we know it's Sara already, because you're using Jane's name right afterward, right?)
-"You stay right here, okay? I'll be right back, Jane." (I think this sounds more natural: You stay rhere,Jane. I'll be right back.' I dropped one of the 'right' words.)
-Resolute, Sara ran down the steps and up the driveway. (I know you're just trying to stop from starting a sentence with her name here, but the word 'Resolute' doesn't jive here. Start with her name. It's fine that way.)
-"Sadie?" Sara called. I'd put the dialogue wit the previous paragraph and then drop the speech tag It isn't necessary when you shove "Sadie?" up with the other paragraph, where it belongs.)
-variety of sounds like nothing Sara had ever heard before. (like nothing Sara hadn't heard.' We don't need to add the before. We know when you say she hadn't heard the sound, you must mean before, right?)
-chewing, growling and even giving an occasional snap (drop the 'even'.)
-"Come, Sadie," Sara said as she climbed the steps. "Here, girl." (When using speech tags, try not to add the he said, she said thing with any more than about 25% of them. Here's what I'd do with this one: 'Come SAdie." Sara climbed the steps. "Here girl." Reads a bit faster.)
-The dog ignored her, ran across the yard and disappeared into the woods like she had the last time. (like she did before.)
-"Oh, you poor little girl," he said as he watched her whirl in circles, trying to tell him something. (Same thing with the speech tag I mentioned above.I think there's another example in the beginning of my review. Drop the 'he said as' and tighten it.)
-He sat on the road while Sadie crawled all over him, just like when she was a puppy and wanted to play. Only this time, there was no play. When she couldn't seem to get him to do what she wanted, she grabbed hold of the front
of his shirt and jerked several times. (formatting problem.)
-Rudy hopped behind the wheel of the Suburban (The way you've worded this, it sounds like he's hopping while behind the wheel. Try: Rudy hopped in behind the wheel....)
Have a terrificly super-dee-duper night!!
Always,
David
Comment Written 01-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Hey David,
What a great review. I can't thank you enough for the time and effort. I make myself so mad when I do that. I get so anxious to have feedback I don't give my own work the editing it deserves.
Darn good thing I have such great friends,
Hugs, and thanks,
Gayle
Comment from Sissy
Hey Gayle,
First, I have to ask - where are the cops? I can't imagine that all this stuff would be happening and the first phone call wouldn't be to the police? I think they would be arriving about the same time as, if not before, Rudy.
Some stuff to check out:
know it is. Ohooo." (<--is the 'Ohoo', her imitation of the dog? Or is she wailing?)
"Sara, come here(,) sweetie.
Jane's side, wrapping her arms around
She wrapped her arms around the dog's neck
(watch the double 'wrapping/wrapped her arms around')
Soon, the sound of howling filled the air (again?) as Sadie resumed her post in the middle of the ro
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"Jane, I'm so scared. I want to talk with my dad. I have the number ... can I call him?"
"Of course, Sara. When you're done, let me talk for a minute, okay?"
Sara nodded as she hurried to the mud room and got her cell out of a My Little Pony purse hanging from the doorknob.
Sara shook her head and hurried back to Jane, lips trembling. "I got voice mail. I told him to call home, but he's on the way to Europe, so we might not hear from him for hours." She began to cry, shoulders shaking.
"Where's my mommy?"
--I thought here, you kinda glossed over this section, although I did love the My Little Pony purse! :) I think you need a little more detail here. Just flesh it out a bit more.
Other than that, good stuff, Gayle! Gettin' exciting here!
Take care,
Sissy
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reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Hey Gayle,
First, I have to ask - where are the cops? I can't imagine that all this stuff would be happening and the first phone call wouldn't be to the police? I think they would be arriving about the same time as, if not before, Rudy.
Some stuff to check out:
know it is. Ohooo." (<--is the 'Ohoo', her imitation of the dog? Or is she wailing?)
"Sara, come here(,) sweetie.
Jane's side, wrapping her arms around
She wrapped her arms around the dog's neck
(watch the double 'wrapping/wrapped her arms around')
Soon, the sound of howling filled the air (again?) as Sadie resumed her post in the middle of the ro
--------------
"Jane, I'm so scared. I want to talk with my dad. I have the number ... can I call him?"
"Of course, Sara. When you're done, let me talk for a minute, okay?"
Sara nodded as she hurried to the mud room and got her cell out of a My Little Pony purse hanging from the doorknob.
Sara shook her head and hurried back to Jane, lips trembling. "I got voice mail. I told him to call home, but he's on the way to Europe, so we might not hear from him for hours." She began to cry, shoulders shaking.
"Where's my mommy?"
--I thought here, you kinda glossed over this section, although I did love the My Little Pony purse! :) I think you need a little more detail here. Just flesh it out a bit more.
Other than that, good stuff, Gayle! Gettin' exciting here!
Take care,
Sissy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Hi Sissy,
I checked that out, and considering she's an adult, and that there were no signs of struggle until Lenny found that sponge, the cops would wait come out to take a statement in the morning.
As you know, I've pasted this out and will make edits right off.
Thanks so much, Sis, big grins to you,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Johnny Carwash
Yet another excellent chapter. Especially enjoyed the dialogue. Looking forward to reading more soon, as I had a ball reading all these in bulk this morning. Take care, Gayle. ;-)
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2008
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Yet another excellent chapter. Especially enjoyed the dialogue. Looking forward to reading more soon, as I had a ball reading all these in bulk this morning. Take care, Gayle. ;-)
Comment Written 30-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2008
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Oh my, that's how I love to read, like a real book. Hey, how did I get this special honor, my dear? You have me smiling now, all over my face!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Excellent write, Gayle. Don't ever get between a dog and her master, especially one trained to protect her. Even my little terrors would hurt someone over me, I think. I think Sadie wants some filet of Russian soul -- maybe even two of them.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2008
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Excellent write, Gayle. Don't ever get between a dog and her master, especially one trained to protect her. Even my little terrors would hurt someone over me, I think. I think Sadie wants some filet of Russian soul -- maybe even two of them.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2008
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Hey Jan,
Man, that is the truth. Thanks so much for the great comments, and yes, I think Sadie will have a filet of Russian soon! LOL!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Kym Jade
Poor Sadie, she tried to tell them all what happened. She's entitled to have a drink she didn't know she would get locked in. Now will Jim and Lenny be able to trace where Candace has been taken.
I don't think she ever (even) saw me.
Love and blessings
We are back today, tomorrow morning is doctor day though.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2008
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Poor Sadie, she tried to tell them all what happened. She's entitled to have a drink she didn't know she would get locked in. Now will Jim and Lenny be able to trace where Candace has been taken.
I don't think she ever (even) saw me.
Love and blessings
We are back today, tomorrow morning is doctor day though.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2008
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Hey Ladies,
Well, now that all the players are finally on the scene, we can get down to business! Took forever!
Thanks for the wonderful words of support and I'll be praying for a good report from the doctor.
Love,
Gayle
Comment from Domino
Hi, Gayle.
I've never understood why you lot spell 'mum' as 'mom', as I think you pronounce it correctly, LOL
Betsy saw Jane sitting on the veranda next to the door and cried out, "Mom, are you ---'
I don't like the tag 'and cried out' - it doesn't look right, whatcha think?
"I don't know," Sara said. [unnecessary tag as we know who's speaking.]
'Ohooo' - do you mean 'Ohhhh'?
The dog ignored her, ran across the yard and disappeared into the woods [like she had the last time. ]-maybe 'as she had before'
I admire the way you smoothly switch scenes, every time.
Another action-packed chapter, with all your usual polish, excepy the above, in my humble opinion. Also perhaps another referense as to why the police haven't been called, as I'd have thought that would have been Jane's initial reaction.
Hope you don't mind me nit-picking, well you have no choice coz you can't hit me from there, LOL
Ray xx
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Hi, Gayle.
I've never understood why you lot spell 'mum' as 'mom', as I think you pronounce it correctly, LOL
Betsy saw Jane sitting on the veranda next to the door and cried out, "Mom, are you ---'
I don't like the tag 'and cried out' - it doesn't look right, whatcha think?
"I don't know," Sara said. [unnecessary tag as we know who's speaking.]
'Ohooo' - do you mean 'Ohhhh'?
The dog ignored her, ran across the yard and disappeared into the woods [like she had the last time. ]-maybe 'as she had before'
I admire the way you smoothly switch scenes, every time.
Another action-packed chapter, with all your usual polish, excepy the above, in my humble opinion. Also perhaps another referense as to why the police haven't been called, as I'd have thought that would have been Jane's initial reaction.
Hope you don't mind me nit-picking, well you have no choice coz you can't hit me from there, LOL
Ray xx
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Oh, my dear Ray,
I COVET these bits of input, especially from you, 'cause ya know what'cher sayin'.
Now, Ohooo, almost like a wail or a moan. Yes? No?
Let me cogitate on this and tweak it. Y'all got an eagle eye, my friend, and I love it.
Hugs,
Gayle
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Hi, Gayle
I've been sitting here 'wailing' and 'moaning' for ages and I think you're right, after all. Mind you, the neighbours just knocked to check I was OK
Ray xx
Comment from butterflykiss
Oh my Sadie trying so hard to tell them and they are not listening. The excitement is building, characters holding true. Good luck.
Butterflykiss
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Oh my Sadie trying so hard to tell them and they are not listening. The excitement is building, characters holding true. Good luck.
Butterflykiss
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Hi there, my friend, yes, I feel for Sadie, too. Poor thing.
Now we've got all the players in place, we can begin the action!
Hugs,
Gayle
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hello,
I thought that there was a lot of mystery and suspence already, alright I fastened my seat belt. I'm ready bring it on.
Butterflykiss
Comment from Norbanus
Wow! You relly got the reader wrapped into this one.
Jim asked if Jane had called the police yet. Jane didn't answer the question, which is OK. But the issue should be addressed once it's been asked. Either Jim or Jane calls immediatly when they get off the phone or the cops show up before the end of the chapter. I guess they don't have to show up; they could hear the sirens in the distance before the chapter ends.
... flat on his ass ... Should be reserved for dialogue.
Tom's body, lying there in the bushes is a neat piece of suspense. That could keep the reader looking over their shoulders for a long time.
Way to go.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Wow! You relly got the reader wrapped into this one.
Jim asked if Jane had called the police yet. Jane didn't answer the question, which is OK. But the issue should be addressed once it's been asked. Either Jim or Jane calls immediatly when they get off the phone or the cops show up before the end of the chapter. I guess they don't have to show up; they could hear the sirens in the distance before the chapter ends.
... flat on his ass ... Should be reserved for dialogue.
Tom's body, lying there in the bushes is a neat piece of suspense. That could keep the reader looking over their shoulders for a long time.
Way to go.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Hey Freddie,
You're right, someone has to call the cops! I'll make the sirens go...good one.
I'll fix that crudity! :-)
Guess who's gonna find Tom?..Yep!
Hugs,
Annabelle
Comment from bookishfabler
Oh the poor doggie.
she grabbed hold of the front
of his shirt and jerked several times. (Should I even tell you about the evil eddie)
That's it. Didn't notice any boo boos.
hugs
book
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Oh the poor doggie.
she grabbed hold of the front
of his shirt and jerked several times. (Should I even tell you about the evil eddie)
That's it. Didn't notice any boo boos.
hugs
book
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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That bugger!
Hey Heidi, thanks for the great read and the catch. Always love to see you,
Gayle
