Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "A Better Way"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
23 total reviews
Comment from Sissy
Hi Gayle,
I"ve got to get my head out of horse-show land and read up on He-3. Sounds intriguing. Who knows what will happen?
Good chapter, we now have an idea of what is at stake here!
Some stuff to check out:
Properly impressed, the members of the committee murmured in approval as the credits rolled.
(Consider deleting 'Properly impressed'. The 'mumured in approval' works fine)
name screamed the words (')EYES ONLY('). (<--not sure, just felt they should be in some sort of quotes)
A light, disbelieving chuckle rippled across the room. Eyes darted around the room in scorn. (across the room/around the room. double 'room'.)
The committee did as asked, (<--semicolon here instead of comma) slow murmurs rose and fell as they scanned
Subtle, controlled chaos (<--what kind?) broke out (kick this--->in the room (<--too many 'room's.) as the impact of his words hit them. (consider + 'The') Whispers escalated.
He paused, eyes (<--need 'eyes'?) searching the faces of the men and women who held his future in their hands ...
Andy glanced around the room ('room' again), rightfully smug. "We will be energy independent and if we so choose, we can make our allies independent
Andy glanced around the table (Andy glanced/Andy glanced. Repetitive.)
$300 billion
$50M
is 100%
(I felt like it should read "300 billion dollars, 50 million dollars, 100 percent")
Andy picked up his glass and swallowed several times
(Did he pick up his glass and swallow, or did he drink and swallow? :) )
"Does the President know of this?"
"Does Congress know about this?"
(very similar dialogue here. Can use 'Does the President know?' for the first to change it a bit.)
He-3 will run cars, planes, machinery, industrial plants; all electric-powered and run clean, producing a zero negative impact on the ecosystem of the world (something's not quite right here. The semicolon didn't quite work, I don't think, and you have the double 'run', as well. Consider rephrasing a bit.)
Murmurs filled the room. (<--'the room' again!)
A woman in a dark business suit spoke up
A man from NASA spoke up (spoke up/spoke up. Watch em!)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sis
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2008
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Hi Gayle,
I"ve got to get my head out of horse-show land and read up on He-3. Sounds intriguing. Who knows what will happen?
Good chapter, we now have an idea of what is at stake here!
Some stuff to check out:
Properly impressed, the members of the committee murmured in approval as the credits rolled.
(Consider deleting 'Properly impressed'. The 'mumured in approval' works fine)
name screamed the words (')EYES ONLY('). (<--not sure, just felt they should be in some sort of quotes)
A light, disbelieving chuckle rippled across the room. Eyes darted around the room in scorn. (across the room/around the room. double 'room'.)
The committee did as asked, (<--semicolon here instead of comma) slow murmurs rose and fell as they scanned
Subtle, controlled chaos (<--what kind?) broke out (kick this--->in the room (<--too many 'room's.) as the impact of his words hit them. (consider + 'The') Whispers escalated.
He paused, eyes (<--need 'eyes'?) searching the faces of the men and women who held his future in their hands ...
Andy glanced around the room ('room' again), rightfully smug. "We will be energy independent and if we so choose, we can make our allies independent
Andy glanced around the table (Andy glanced/Andy glanced. Repetitive.)
$300 billion
$50M
is 100%
(I felt like it should read "300 billion dollars, 50 million dollars, 100 percent")
Andy picked up his glass and swallowed several times
(Did he pick up his glass and swallow, or did he drink and swallow? :) )
"Does the President know of this?"
"Does Congress know about this?"
(very similar dialogue here. Can use 'Does the President know?' for the first to change it a bit.)
He-3 will run cars, planes, machinery, industrial plants; all electric-powered and run clean, producing a zero negative impact on the ecosystem of the world (something's not quite right here. The semicolon didn't quite work, I don't think, and you have the double 'run', as well. Consider rephrasing a bit.)
Murmurs filled the room. (<--'the room' again!)
A woman in a dark business suit spoke up
A man from NASA spoke up (spoke up/spoke up. Watch em!)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sis
Comment Written 30-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2008
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OMG! Sissy,
What a wonderful review. God, I know they're not really mistakes, but you talk about 'choices'.....wheeeee. Girl, you are the best. I'm going to refer some new friends to this review and let'em salivate!
Love you,
Gayle
Comment from Johnny Carwash
Another solid entry in what's quickly becoming one of my favorite books on here. Don't know what more I could tell you, Gayle. You are the master when it comes to writing entertaining fiction.
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2008
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Another solid entry in what's quickly becoming one of my favorite books on here. Don't know what more I could tell you, Gayle. You are the master when it comes to writing entertaining fiction.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2008
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Hey Johnny,
Wow, you're reading right along, aren't you. Thanks so much for letting it be me. Much grattitude and love and hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Kym Jade
Can we be included too. Our population is only about 21 million we wouldn't need as much as other countries. Wow what an interesting chapter no wonder the Russians want to be included, Mining the moon they would be the only other ones who could travel there at the moment, except maybe Richard Brandson tee hee. Off to the next posting.
Love and blessings
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2008
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Can we be included too. Our population is only about 21 million we wouldn't need as much as other countries. Wow what an interesting chapter no wonder the Russians want to be included, Mining the moon they would be the only other ones who could travel there at the moment, except maybe Richard Brandson tee hee. Off to the next posting.
Love and blessings
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2008
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Of course you're included! Wouldn't that just be the ticket. And, yes, the Russians are the only true competitors now, which is why I picked them! LOL!
See you soon,
Love,
Gayle
Comment from Celtic~Soul
Fine chapter, Gayle! this is my first glimpse into Andy's side of the story - he's an impressive fellow - no wonder the Russians wanted Candace!
Okay, some suggestions and things for you to ponder:
On the table before each member lay a black binder with his or her name on it; under each name screamed the words EYES ONLY. - On the table before each member lay a personalized black binder; beneath each name the words CONFIDENTIAL REPORT blazed in searing red ink.
It's complete with printouts of the results of all our tests - print outs of ALL their tests? How about a synopsis of their test methods and results? Just a thought
say unequivocally that - I know how you are about commas, but I think if you offset words like unequivocally it would add a natural pause to Andy's weighty revelations
Subtle, controlled chaos - SHOW us, Showtime!
... his, theirs and the rest of the world's - I'd expand this for subtle drama -
...not just his, but theirs and the rest of the world, too.
We can achieve - for a moment I wsan't sure this was Andy's dialogue, maybe an 'Andy continued' for a speech tag? hmmmmm...
matter. They can't stop it. - punc. change
"The supply is inexhaustible. We'll never run out." - would it be inexhaustable or just last say, thousands of years? Or something more finite - after all the moon won't be replenishing its supply - don't let him get melodramatic, he's a scientist facts and statistics are his life
He shook his head several times, eyes wide in excitement. - I would see him more animated here with much more body language and expression, maybe even sweat breaks out on his brow?
industrial plants; all electric-powered and run clean, - I think you may need to revisit punc here, the semicolon and comma seemed oddly placed
assistant and I invented. - seems like as a scientist, he might use developed (or something similar) rather than invented
One question: you outline the time-table for the shuttle, but what about carrying equipment to the moon, having elements inplace like storage equipment for the mining process (low gravity moon would need some special consideration), workers there who could mine on a continual basis, etc. Just seemed like this could use a little more realism for the operation and increase credibility. I think you could do it in just a few sentences
Great dialogue and informative details. Nicely done!
Dawn
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Fine chapter, Gayle! this is my first glimpse into Andy's side of the story - he's an impressive fellow - no wonder the Russians wanted Candace!
Okay, some suggestions and things for you to ponder:
On the table before each member lay a black binder with his or her name on it; under each name screamed the words EYES ONLY. - On the table before each member lay a personalized black binder; beneath each name the words CONFIDENTIAL REPORT blazed in searing red ink.
It's complete with printouts of the results of all our tests - print outs of ALL their tests? How about a synopsis of their test methods and results? Just a thought
say unequivocally that - I know how you are about commas, but I think if you offset words like unequivocally it would add a natural pause to Andy's weighty revelations
Subtle, controlled chaos - SHOW us, Showtime!
... his, theirs and the rest of the world's - I'd expand this for subtle drama -
...not just his, but theirs and the rest of the world, too.
We can achieve - for a moment I wsan't sure this was Andy's dialogue, maybe an 'Andy continued' for a speech tag? hmmmmm...
matter. They can't stop it. - punc. change
"The supply is inexhaustible. We'll never run out." - would it be inexhaustable or just last say, thousands of years? Or something more finite - after all the moon won't be replenishing its supply - don't let him get melodramatic, he's a scientist facts and statistics are his life
He shook his head several times, eyes wide in excitement. - I would see him more animated here with much more body language and expression, maybe even sweat breaks out on his brow?
industrial plants; all electric-powered and run clean, - I think you may need to revisit punc here, the semicolon and comma seemed oddly placed
assistant and I invented. - seems like as a scientist, he might use developed (or something similar) rather than invented
One question: you outline the time-table for the shuttle, but what about carrying equipment to the moon, having elements inplace like storage equipment for the mining process (low gravity moon would need some special consideration), workers there who could mine on a continual basis, etc. Just seemed like this could use a little more realism for the operation and increase credibility. I think you could do it in just a few sentences
Great dialogue and informative details. Nicely done!
Dawn
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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'Mornin' Duchess Dawn,
Thanks for the great review. I was going to pm you and then I thought, what the heck, other folks prolly have questions too, so, from net research, here goes.
The EYES ONLY..that little designation means that the file is so top secret it may not be duplicated in any way, nor may it be discussed with anyone not also in possession of the report. Super duper top top secret.
The He-3 that is on the moon at this time would supply all the United States' and most of the Western world's power needs for...get this...44,000 years. That's close to enexhaustible in my book, lol. Segue, can you just think about that a minute. ALL the power needs...wow. It will replenish to a degree, but I don't think it'll matter. There's even more of it on Mars and I figure in that time, we'll be on Mars, too.
Okay, I said the same to Jeff the Sage. Smug bugger looks at me and says, well, the shuttle will carry the equipment up, drop it off, load with He-3, head back to earth, then load up more stuff and back to the moon. By the third trip, they will have all the necessary equipment. The rigs that Andy developed are two-man operated, so if the shuttle carries 6 and they have three rigs....
Gosh, I haven't had this much fun writing since I first started writing about the dogs.
All your other ideas, the modifications, etc. will be done shortly. I agree, unequivocally is a word that bears being set apart.
Big thanks and hugs,
Gayle
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Hi ya, dolly COuntess!
The EYES ONLY..that little designation means that the file is so top secret it may not be duplicated in any way, nor may it be discussed with anyone not also in possession of the report. Super duper top top secret.
Yep, I knew what Eyes Only meant (James Bond lover, sucker for spies!) - the ditty that struck me about it - it's too Hollywood! Would real government folks and scientists on top secret projects use something so, well, cheesy? Sorry, it's just the Hollywood image of that phase in my head .I think they'd spell it out more , you know, talk about it and we'll shoot you! Okay, just kidding there! Also, since it is so top secret, no one would be allowed to leave the room with it (I'd think) and they wouldn't be bringing in cameras or anything either, so I don't think they'd have a chance to duplicate it anyway.
Okay, I've rambled, but those are the things that went through my head - thought I'd clarify my (slightly warped) thought processes.
Keep up the great story-telling, Gayle - lovin' it!
D
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Oh, no, you're absolutely right. They can't take it out of the room and they've been checked. It's that they can't even talk about it.
Man, if Madame ever gets that passed in the Royal Household, there'll be hell to pay.
Nah, never happen!
You have great ideas, Duchess, and I think you could write a darned good spy story. Especially when you remember it's fiction!
Love ya,
Comment from Norbanus
What a cool plotline. I read about helium 3 for the first time a week or so ago and wondered when Clive Cussler would discover an unknown cache of it at the bottom of the ocean. But, we don't have to wait for Cussler, Annabelle is filling the void. :-)
Super.
Freddie
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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What a cool plotline. I read about helium 3 for the first time a week or so ago and wondered when Clive Cussler would discover an unknown cache of it at the bottom of the ocean. But, we don't have to wait for Cussler, Annabelle is filling the void. :-)
Super.
Freddie
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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LOL! Freddie, I attribute all this to you and Jeff. Isn't that stuff wild. France is in the middle of building a reactor for it and who knows who else.
Shooot, who needs ole Clive? LOL!
Hugs,
Annabelle
Comment from bookishfabler
Wow, that was really fasinating, and it seemed so beleivable. I can't even imagine what would happen to the world if something like that would happen. War would be worse than ever. Great chapter.
hugs
book
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Wow, that was really fasinating, and it seemed so beleivable. I can't even imagine what would happen to the world if something like that would happen. War would be worse than ever. Great chapter.
hugs
book
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Hey Heidi, it'll be the facts..in about twenty or thirty years, maybe sooner. And yes, the Middle East would be in an uproar, huh. HEY! That's a six! You gave me a sixer! Oh, dear, thank you so much. Hugs!
If you want to hear more about this stuff, google 'cold fusion' and get the goods. I'm not going to do it here, but I'm changing the name of the novel from Stalker to Cold Fusion. Like that?
Hugs,
Gayle
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Yes, I do like that better. And you are quite welcome
hugs
Heidi
P.S. Remember the movie The Saint with Val Kilmer? Cold Fusion baby.
Comment from Readywriter52
Andy has come up with a new energy source that's cheaper and almost inexhaustible. It would make this country energy independent in eighteen months. I can see why they would kidnap Candace. This would give the kidnappers control over Andy and his project.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Andy has come up with a new energy source that's cheaper and almost inexhaustible. It would make this country energy independent in eighteen months. I can see why they would kidnap Candace. This would give the kidnappers control over Andy and his project.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Oh yes, RW, that's exactly what they're doing. If the subject interests you, google 'cold fusion' and read about it. It's not nearly as SciFi as it sounds.
Thank you so much for the R&R!
Gayle
Comment from Lynn27
Hi Gayle,
I see a movie deal in your future! I also see a top ten seller too! LOL
This is a wondeful chapter and I'm loved it. You are throwing those curveballs everywhere.
Found one nit:
He shook his head several times, eyes wide in excitement.
*** I think that you forgot a word like his.
Exceelent work!
Lynn
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Hi Gayle,
I see a movie deal in your future! I also see a top ten seller too! LOL
This is a wondeful chapter and I'm loved it. You are throwing those curveballs everywhere.
Found one nit:
He shook his head several times, eyes wide in excitement.
*** I think that you forgot a word like his.
Exceelent work!
Lynn
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Oh, my goodness, from your lips to God's ears. I can't tell you how much your support means to me. Thank you!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Allezw2
Lady STB,
An interesting thought indeed.
Fusion is the holy grail of power production and mining the moon's regolith is one of those neat ideas beyond our technology, yet.
One I like is stringing conductive cables into the the atmosphere from satellites. The passage through the atmosphere and the earth's magnetic fields induces a flow of electrons n the cables which can be captured as potential energy and broadcast to the earth. Somewhat the similar system that was to be used by NAA's nuclear powered satellite generators in space during the late fifties and early sixties before research was abandoned.
Nicely crafted. Hardware comes from ideas.
Fantasist.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Lady STB,
An interesting thought indeed.
Fusion is the holy grail of power production and mining the moon's regolith is one of those neat ideas beyond our technology, yet.
One I like is stringing conductive cables into the the atmosphere from satellites. The passage through the atmosphere and the earth's magnetic fields induces a flow of electrons n the cables which can be captured as potential energy and broadcast to the earth. Somewhat the similar system that was to be used by NAA's nuclear powered satellite generators in space during the late fifties and early sixties before research was abandoned.
Nicely crafted. Hardware comes from ideas.
Fantasist.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Hey Wayne,
Jeff's been having a ball with this one. Evidently, Mars has even more of the He-3, so once we get space travel conquered, we've got it made. Sure won't make the Saudi's happy!
Great comments and ideas, as always. Thanks a bunch!
Hugs,
Gayle
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Think about floating solar-powered factories that could be turned loose into those trash heaps collecting in the mid-Pacific Ocean. They would collect the trash, process it into raw materials and ship it back to the mainland, all automatically..
Comment from Domino
Hi, Gayle.
Great switch of scene to Andy keeps the pace up.
Subtle, controlled chaos - great phrase.
Congress? Not so much. Hand-picked individuals such as yourselves, others from the Armed Services Committee, as well as key figures at the DOE know, but the entire project is top secret. -DOESN'T SOUND VERY TOP SECRET TO ME.
This ia well imaginate, though a simple solution. If only!
A cracking read, Gayle, looks like plenty of oppoortunity foe action now you've laid the foundations, and the 'Tom' involvement?
Write on, Ray xx
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2008
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Hi, Gayle.
Great switch of scene to Andy keeps the pace up.
Subtle, controlled chaos - great phrase.
Congress? Not so much. Hand-picked individuals such as yourselves, others from the Armed Services Committee, as well as key figures at the DOE know, but the entire project is top secret. -DOESN'T SOUND VERY TOP SECRET TO ME.
This ia well imaginate, though a simple solution. If only!
A cracking read, Gayle, looks like plenty of oppoortunity foe action now you've laid the foundations, and the 'Tom' involvement?
Write on, Ray xx
Comment Written 28-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2008
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Hey Ray,
This subject is fascinating. Google 'cold fusion'...you won't believe it. What Andy's discovered is the way to mine the dust AND how to make it perform consistently...that's his secret. They've known about the He-3 for quite a while.
Still a while getting there, but one day...............
Thanks for the great read and comments.
Hugs,
Gayle
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I had a quick look, Gayle. I'd never heard of it. Maybe part of the reason is they're scared of the concequenses of a complete chane as everything, I assume would have to be re-designed to accomodate it - engines, fridges, the lot. Also, maybe the Arabs threw a few million in bribes around to not investigate further, LOL
Ray xx
