Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Pt. 2 ~ Hunt!"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
21 total reviews
Comment from Johnny Carwash
This second "part" was just as engrossing and enjoyable as the first. Again, no SPAG errors or continuity glitches to report. I am thoroughly enjoying this book, Gayle.
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2008
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This second "part" was just as engrossing and enjoyable as the first. Again, no SPAG errors or continuity glitches to report. I am thoroughly enjoying this book, Gayle.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2008
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Hey Johnny,
Thank you for stopping by for the R&R. I really appreciate your hanging in there and the great comments.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
Boy they snatched just in time. Did they know the dog was left in the house? You did a great job witht the tension, the quick sentenses showing urgency on Sadies part.
watching ner (her)master with adoration.
Sadie hit the fence in time to hear car doors slamming. She shimmied through the hole and charged up the hill. Dimitri had just started the engine when seventy pounds of furious Doberman hit his window.
(watch POV here. From Sadie to Dimetri)
hugs
book
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Boy they snatched just in time. Did they know the dog was left in the house? You did a great job witht the tension, the quick sentenses showing urgency on Sadies part.
watching ner (her)master with adoration.
Sadie hit the fence in time to hear car doors slamming. She shimmied through the hole and charged up the hill. Dimitri had just started the engine when seventy pounds of furious Doberman hit his window.
(watch POV here. From Sadie to Dimetri)
hugs
book
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Hey Heidi,
I'll get the 'her' fixed. I also will rein in the wandering POV. Oh, God, I just realized how I did that...I remember when I was typing that, some niggling little something kept saying "warning, warning" but I ignored.
Thanks a bunch, dear friend,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Readywriter52
Candace doesn't know what Andy does at work and she has a stalker.
Sadie sees Candace being kidnapped. She almost catches Dimitri and Anton. They get into the car before Sadie catches them. She might be a Doberman but she still can't catch a car.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Candace doesn't know what Andy does at work and she has a stalker.
Sadie sees Candace being kidnapped. She almost catches Dimitri and Anton. They get into the car before Sadie catches them. She might be a Doberman but she still can't catch a car.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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LOL! She's mighty, for sure, but in the end, she's just a dog. Thanks so much for the fine review. I hope to see yo again soon,
Gayle
Comment from Lynn27
Hi Gayle,
If I found your novel at my local bookstore, I would buy it! If you ever came to my neck of the woods for a book signing, I would be in line.
Excellent chapter!
Lynn
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Hi Gayle,
If I found your novel at my local bookstore, I would buy it! If you ever came to my neck of the woods for a book signing, I would be in line.
Excellent chapter!
Lynn
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Well, Lynn, what a wonderful thing to say. I promise if that ever happens I'll be sure to let you know!
Thanks for the great support and super duper comments.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from davidray
Another very good job, Gayle. Left off nicley right where you left off from.
A couple things I wanted to mention, please:
-Dressed in black from head to foot, ski masks concealing their faces, (Dressed in black from head to toe with ski masks ...)
-the heavy dinner caused the girls head's to nod. (I don't have a clue what you're tryin gto say in this entence. What the heck does the heaviness of a meal have to do with the head nodding?)
Carry on as if you were normal, Gayle! :)
Have a care,
Hugs,
David
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2008
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Another very good job, Gayle. Left off nicley right where you left off from.
A couple things I wanted to mention, please:
-Dressed in black from head to foot, ski masks concealing their faces, (Dressed in black from head to toe with ski masks ...)
-the heavy dinner caused the girls head's to nod. (I don't have a clue what you're tryin gto say in this entence. What the heck does the heaviness of a meal have to do with the head nodding?)
Carry on as if you were normal, Gayle! :)
Have a care,
Hugs,
David
Comment Written 28-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2008
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Hey David,
Two good ies right there. I'll use them both. Thanks for stopping by and for the kind comments.
Gayle
Comment from Sissy
Hey Gayle,
So they DID get Candace - I was wondering how Sadie was going to be hindered in her attempt at guarding. Nice job there.
To be totally honest, I think you gotta go back in and flesh out this chapter more. You can't do the great description you did last chapter and then not give us that here. Also consider more internal dialogue/thought so we can really feel how Jane and Sara feel when Sadie goes tearing off.
Made some notes below:
Candace and Jane sat on the veranda, deciding whether to go with the girls on a trail ride. In the end, they decided to hang out on the patio. The kids rode alone all the time and mothers weren't needed (<--do you need that last sentence? It just seems like an add on to the paragraph.)
these super(-)technical procedures (otherwise 'super' could mean 'great'.)
What a wonderful ride, Mom. That sure was fun and now I'm starved. What are we having for dinner?" (I'm not sure 'That sure was fun' was something Candace would say. How about 'That was totally fun', or 'That was so cool' or 'That was totally cool'?)
Horses rubbed down and put to bed, they skipped up the path to the house, laughing and making yummy noises as they walked across the flagstone veranda.
They sat at the long trestle table, enjoying their meal. After a day of high physical activity including pool time and a trail ride, the heavy dinner caused the girls head's to nod.
(Here I thought you kinda blazed through.)
She landed in a heap, amazed, shocked at the unheard of behavior. (How is she amazed? How is she shocked?)
Amazed, she watched as the dog bounded into the bushes and disappeared. ('Amazed' again. Here you could use some internal thought to help us see how she feels.)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2008
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Hey Gayle,
So they DID get Candace - I was wondering how Sadie was going to be hindered in her attempt at guarding. Nice job there.
To be totally honest, I think you gotta go back in and flesh out this chapter more. You can't do the great description you did last chapter and then not give us that here. Also consider more internal dialogue/thought so we can really feel how Jane and Sara feel when Sadie goes tearing off.
Made some notes below:
Candace and Jane sat on the veranda, deciding whether to go with the girls on a trail ride. In the end, they decided to hang out on the patio. The kids rode alone all the time and mothers weren't needed (<--do you need that last sentence? It just seems like an add on to the paragraph.)
these super(-)technical procedures (otherwise 'super' could mean 'great'.)
What a wonderful ride, Mom. That sure was fun and now I'm starved. What are we having for dinner?" (I'm not sure 'That sure was fun' was something Candace would say. How about 'That was totally fun', or 'That was so cool' or 'That was totally cool'?)
Horses rubbed down and put to bed, they skipped up the path to the house, laughing and making yummy noises as they walked across the flagstone veranda.
They sat at the long trestle table, enjoying their meal. After a day of high physical activity including pool time and a trail ride, the heavy dinner caused the girls head's to nod.
(Here I thought you kinda blazed through.)
She landed in a heap, amazed, shocked at the unheard of behavior. (How is she amazed? How is she shocked?)
Amazed, she watched as the dog bounded into the bushes and disappeared. ('Amazed' again. Here you could use some internal thought to help us see how she feels.)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
Comment Written 28-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2008
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Hi Sissy,
I just get going so fast I shoot myself in the foot. I'll flesh this out considerably, using your great suggestions and will make it comparable to Part 1.
You're just the bestest girl!
Love you,
Gayle
Comment from butterflykiss
What an exciting two chapters. Candace is in a world of trouble. Her husbands away-- and works? Well these Russians want the secrets.
These two chapters moved right along, poor Sadie, her howl can wake the dead.
A very enjoyable read.
Butterflykiss
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2008
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What an exciting two chapters. Candace is in a world of trouble. Her husbands away-- and works? Well these Russians want the secrets.
These two chapters moved right along, poor Sadie, her howl can wake the dead.
A very enjoyable read.
Butterflykiss
Comment Written 27-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2008
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Oh, we have one chapter to get through, Andy in Washington, and then we're back to the dogs. Jim to the rescue.
Thanks dear one for the super comments...she can, indeed, wake the dead!
Love,
Gayle
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Just read the chapter just posted. Poor Andy, he's having the time of his life, he's dicovered a way to save America pocket book, now the Russina have gone and kidnapped his wife. They want his secert. Right. Hope you don't let them have it, and get Candace back unharmed.
Butterflykiss
Comment from Celtic~Soul
Magnificent chapter, Gayle, dear! From the every-day activities in the female's lives to the treachery of the Russkies! Sadie's a dream dog, devoted and determined. Good action and movement - spot on with the characters, too.
Okay, some suggestions (but they're just that, so remember to chuck if you want!):
they decided to - they chose to (eliminates the second decide in the para)
poised on the threshold of - just a thought, but would she really say it this way? she sounds like a documentary! hee-hee
a small bottle of chloroform and a sponge. - this seemed sort of low tech for major foreign players - I'd almost rather think:
syringe loaded with a powerful sedative - alos sets the reder to wondering if they know what they're doing, could Candace beharmed by a too-high dosage?
Horses rubbed down and put to bed, they skipped up the path to the house, laughing and making yummy noises as they walked across the flagstone veranda. - I realize this is a transitional sentence, gets them from horses back to house, but beginning with 'Horses rubbed down' really puts the emphasis on the animals and it reads somewhat awkward. I'd almost rather see you break this into two or three sentences and take the transition a little slower.
girl's heads: girls' heads
Whenever she laughed - okay I know you mean Candace with this 'she' but it's unclear. I think I'd use Whenever her mistress laughed, the dog's...
"Mom, can we do some sparklers - the girls are suddenly very awake!
she barked. She barked - these two next to each other didn't bug me a lot (just tad), but wondering if you couldn't put an action between to show her increased worry, like she paced back and forth at the door
bushes, grabbed Candace's face - bushes. Black-gloved hands wrapped around Candace's head, covering her mouth and pulling her out of sight.
play, unaware - their action indicates they're unaware
Headed for the ladies room, Jane opened the kitchen door in time to be run over - if Jane is going into the kitchen, but Sadie's already streaked across the patio and hit the ground...?
us her alone with - here alone
Dimitri had just started the engine when seventy pounds of furious Doberman hit his window. - This is more telling than showing, I think you could give us more tension in spots like this. Maybe something like - Seventy pounds of furious Doberman tore at Dimitri's window as he started the car. He leaned away from the door staring at the mouthful of snarling teeth on the other side of the glass. The car rocked from the dog's repeated impact. Dimitri grinned at the dog's futile attempts to break the barrier and shifted into drive. The car zipped away from Sadie, tires shooting dirt and rocks into the night.
Top-notch story, hon'! Keep it comin'!
Hugs,
The Duchess
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2008
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Magnificent chapter, Gayle, dear! From the every-day activities in the female's lives to the treachery of the Russkies! Sadie's a dream dog, devoted and determined. Good action and movement - spot on with the characters, too.
Okay, some suggestions (but they're just that, so remember to chuck if you want!):
they decided to - they chose to (eliminates the second decide in the para)
poised on the threshold of - just a thought, but would she really say it this way? she sounds like a documentary! hee-hee
a small bottle of chloroform and a sponge. - this seemed sort of low tech for major foreign players - I'd almost rather think:
syringe loaded with a powerful sedative - alos sets the reder to wondering if they know what they're doing, could Candace beharmed by a too-high dosage?
Horses rubbed down and put to bed, they skipped up the path to the house, laughing and making yummy noises as they walked across the flagstone veranda. - I realize this is a transitional sentence, gets them from horses back to house, but beginning with 'Horses rubbed down' really puts the emphasis on the animals and it reads somewhat awkward. I'd almost rather see you break this into two or three sentences and take the transition a little slower.
girl's heads: girls' heads
Whenever she laughed - okay I know you mean Candace with this 'she' but it's unclear. I think I'd use Whenever her mistress laughed, the dog's...
"Mom, can we do some sparklers - the girls are suddenly very awake!
she barked. She barked - these two next to each other didn't bug me a lot (just tad), but wondering if you couldn't put an action between to show her increased worry, like she paced back and forth at the door
bushes, grabbed Candace's face - bushes. Black-gloved hands wrapped around Candace's head, covering her mouth and pulling her out of sight.
play, unaware - their action indicates they're unaware
Headed for the ladies room, Jane opened the kitchen door in time to be run over - if Jane is going into the kitchen, but Sadie's already streaked across the patio and hit the ground...?
us her alone with - here alone
Dimitri had just started the engine when seventy pounds of furious Doberman hit his window. - This is more telling than showing, I think you could give us more tension in spots like this. Maybe something like - Seventy pounds of furious Doberman tore at Dimitri's window as he started the car. He leaned away from the door staring at the mouthful of snarling teeth on the other side of the glass. The car rocked from the dog's repeated impact. Dimitri grinned at the dog's futile attempts to break the barrier and shifted into drive. The car zipped away from Sadie, tires shooting dirt and rocks into the night.
Top-notch story, hon'! Keep it comin'!
Hugs,
The Duchess
Comment Written 27-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2008
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Hey Duchess,
As always, the review to die for. Girl, I'm going to have to print this out and read it over because you have so many nuggest here I...nuggest? Hmmm. Nuggets that I don't want to miss any. How do I thank you for sharing that eagle eye! Man, I gotta get my thumbs back! TOOOMMMM!
Thank you dear,
an appreciative Countess
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You're so welcome, Contessa! Hmmmm, Contessa, the Spanish version of Countess - I like it! Any Spanish blood in your history? LOL Glad, once again, you fund my suggestions of value. You've got a gift for story and that makes me happy to help you round it out a bit (sometimes we all need a little push, huh?).
Hugs, fellow maiden of the court!
The Duchess
PS I'm going to PM you with a question. Be on the lookout!
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LOL! Maiden of the Court! This gal ain't been a maiden in years. You're so cute, I love it.
I'll check the pm's, yikes, there, 35 of 'em!
On the wayyyyyyyyyyy
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OMG 35?!?! I panic when I get 9 or 10 built up. Mine will be one of the latest ones, just sent it!
Comment from Norbanus
How come Sadie didn't react to the shots the killed Tom? Surely, if she was outside, she would have heard them, even if they were silenced,
Repeated word 'pulled':
They walked to the kitchen, where Candace opened a drawer and pulled out a package of sparklers. While she pulled out the sticks, Sadie went into the mud room for a sip of water and a couple of bites of food.
When Sadie gets into action she doesn't miss a beat though.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2008
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How come Sadie didn't react to the shots the killed Tom? Surely, if she was outside, she would have heard them, even if they were silenced,
Repeated word 'pulled':
They walked to the kitchen, where Candace opened a drawer and pulled out a package of sparklers. While she pulled out the sticks, Sadie went into the mud room for a sip of water and a couple of bites of food.
When Sadie gets into action she doesn't miss a beat though.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2008
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Whoa! How'd you do that? Another sixer! Oh, my dear, thank you so much.
Now, you know, the gunshots. She was on the patio with Candace, but I'm wondering how much she would hear. I've never heard a 'real' gun shot with a silencer, but I was under the impression that it made like a popping, spitting sound. No? I sure could get a reaction from her if you think she needs to take notice.
I'll get the 'pulled' replaced. Remember when I was on that 'leaning' kick. Shoot, nothing stood, sat or walked upright..always leaning somehow.
You're a peach and the bestest ever.
Hugs,
Annabelle
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The site let me do it so I fugured what the heck. Nobody deserves 'em more. :-)
I don't know what she could do about the gunshots and not mess up the plan. Maybe she just didn't notice...but then, if the reader has to think about it, she needs to do something. Maybe she was already in the house. Maybe the neighbors had been shooting off fireworks..jeez, I'm thinkin' about this way too much. :-)
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Ah, you sweetie. Well, as you say, we can't have them, any of them, discover Tom's body.
I think right there at the end of the chapter I might say Sadie raised her head, sharp eyes staring at the fence line, something like that.
We're going to have to suspend disbelief now that Candace is gone and we have an angry and very disturbed guard dog to deal with.
Hmmm. I might email you later, got a problem brewing here.
A
Comment from Domino
Hello again, Gayle.
Back to the calm pool surroundings after Tom's sudden demise, very clever writing.
Now, casually, we get the plot and connection to the Ruskies.
'Dimitri and Anton relaxed behind the darkly tinted windows of the Lincoln. Dressed in black from head to foot, ski masks concealing their faces, they stepped out of the car. Along with his handgun, Anton carried half a dozen stout plastic cable ties, a small bottle of chloroform and a sponge. Dimitri hefted the flashlight and nodded.' - terrific scene change back and forth, to heighten pace and keep us transfixed.
Unaware the dog had followed her, Candace went back to the veranda, shutting the door behind her. - oh, dear, there goes the protection. - nice touch.
Sadie's protectivenes and personality brilliantly portrayed.
Great ending, too, as I guess the moms were kidnapped.
Terrific stuff, Gayle.
Ray xx
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2008
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Hello again, Gayle.
Back to the calm pool surroundings after Tom's sudden demise, very clever writing.
Now, casually, we get the plot and connection to the Ruskies.
'Dimitri and Anton relaxed behind the darkly tinted windows of the Lincoln. Dressed in black from head to foot, ski masks concealing their faces, they stepped out of the car. Along with his handgun, Anton carried half a dozen stout plastic cable ties, a small bottle of chloroform and a sponge. Dimitri hefted the flashlight and nodded.' - terrific scene change back and forth, to heighten pace and keep us transfixed.
Unaware the dog had followed her, Candace went back to the veranda, shutting the door behind her. - oh, dear, there goes the protection. - nice touch.
Sadie's protectivenes and personality brilliantly portrayed.
Great ending, too, as I guess the moms were kidnapped.
Terrific stuff, Gayle.
Ray xx
Comment Written 27-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2008
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Hey Ray,
Yes, the old ebb and flow. Freddie..Norbanus, works with me on that a lot. Sometimes, though, it can get out of hand! I think I pulled it off here. Big smiles to you.
I just love your reviews...rutro, there goest the protection! That's exactly what I was thinking! LOL!
Thank you so much for all the support and kind comments...and the love, gotta feel the love there!
Hugs,
Gayle
