Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Hunt!"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
18 total reviews
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
very intriguing, Gayle.the kid will soon be a innocent target for attack, i can foresee.we would certainly need more than the imaginary defenses tom was planning in the story...
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2008
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very intriguing, Gayle.the kid will soon be a innocent target for attack, i can foresee.we would certainly need more than the imaginary defenses tom was planning in the story...
Comment Written 01-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2008
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Hi Stephy,
You're beginning to see a pattern, huh? That's what I like to do, get the reader really invested in the outcome! Glad it's working for you,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Johnny Carwash
Guess what I did this morning before work?
Caught up on the work of my favorite author. :-)
Another solid chapter. Don't know what else to say, as your work is so flawlessly written and engaging.
Just keep up the great work, ya hear? ;-)
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2008
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Guess what I did this morning before work?
Caught up on the work of my favorite author. :-)
Another solid chapter. Don't know what else to say, as your work is so flawlessly written and engaging.
Just keep up the great work, ya hear? ;-)
Comment Written 30-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2008
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Oh, you sweet thing,
Thank you so much from for the wonderful support and kind words, Johnny, and for just being you.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
Oh my. Here we are waiting to see What Tom does. and we focus on him, when just like that. These two Russian, people come and shot him. Himm.
I thought you had a POV switch, but I see I was wrong had to read the beginning again.
hugs
book
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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Oh my. Here we are waiting to see What Tom does. and we focus on him, when just like that. These two Russian, people come and shot him. Himm.
I thought you had a POV switch, but I see I was wrong had to read the beginning again.
hugs
book
Comment Written 29-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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See, that's a 'Gayle' trick. We start off on one track...gotta have a reason why she's got Sadie, y'know. Then we come up with the twist. Did that in Firestorm, remember? Did it in Secret Lives, come to think about it. LOL!
We'll hear about Tom in a bit but right now, that thread is loose.
Love hearing from you, m'dear, thanks so much,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from davidray
Good evening,Gayle,
Enjoyed reading this piece.Very good flow with a perfect blend of narration and dialogue.Very well done.
A couple tiny nits for your consideration, please:
-lulled the insects that crawled through the colorful flowers (lulled the insects crawling...)
-Dappled sunlight filtered through the leaves. (through the leaves or between the leaves? It sound slike your leaves are transparent.)
Don't feel bad due to the chapter being less. It'll probably result in more reviews!!
Take care and good night.
Hugs.
David
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2008
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Good evening,Gayle,
Enjoyed reading this piece.Very good flow with a perfect blend of narration and dialogue.Very well done.
A couple tiny nits for your consideration, please:
-lulled the insects that crawled through the colorful flowers (lulled the insects crawling...)
-Dappled sunlight filtered through the leaves. (through the leaves or between the leaves? It sound slike your leaves are transparent.)
Don't feel bad due to the chapter being less. It'll probably result in more reviews!!
Take care and good night.
Hugs.
David
Comment Written 28-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2008
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Hi David,
LOL, you're right. Leaves are not transparent, are they? Good idea on these, will implement.
Thanks a bunch
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Sissy
Ooh! I didn't expect them to kill Tom!
Nice job there, Gayle. Will we ever find out what he was about? I hope so. That would be one seriously untied string that would drive me batty!! :)
Nice job with the descriptive narrative. Totally enjoyed.
Just a few things to check out:
Betsy could join us, and isn't little Shelly just a doll. (<--is this a rhetorical question? Consider question mark.)
They made slow progress, eyes constantly shifting, searching the shrubbery
eyes flitting about the bushes
(the double 'eyes' got me, but more than that 'eyes flitting about the bushes' made me grin, Gayle. I had vision of his eyeballs flitting around like moths, or something! :) )
and spied his man, flat on his stomach under the oleanders, sleeping. Dimitri stopped in his tracks as Anton approached to within five feet of the man ('his man'/'the man'. Repetitive. You could end with 'within five feet of his quarry'? Or something like that.)
Very minor points, Gayle. Can't kick a star for it! And I can't wait to read the next!
Take care,
Sissy
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2008
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Ooh! I didn't expect them to kill Tom!
Nice job there, Gayle. Will we ever find out what he was about? I hope so. That would be one seriously untied string that would drive me batty!! :)
Nice job with the descriptive narrative. Totally enjoyed.
Just a few things to check out:
Betsy could join us, and isn't little Shelly just a doll. (<--is this a rhetorical question? Consider question mark.)
They made slow progress, eyes constantly shifting, searching the shrubbery
eyes flitting about the bushes
(the double 'eyes' got me, but more than that 'eyes flitting about the bushes' made me grin, Gayle. I had vision of his eyeballs flitting around like moths, or something! :) )
and spied his man, flat on his stomach under the oleanders, sleeping. Dimitri stopped in his tracks as Anton approached to within five feet of the man ('his man'/'the man'. Repetitive. You could end with 'within five feet of his quarry'? Or something like that.)
Very minor points, Gayle. Can't kick a star for it! And I can't wait to read the next!
Take care,
Sissy
Comment Written 28-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2008
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Hey Sis,
I'm going too fast here, can't catch up with my legs.
Thanks so much...great edit ideas, will fix.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from butterflykiss
Oh my the girls have a worse problem than Tom? Now how are they going to protect themselves with this new danger? Going to read the next then review.
butterflykiss
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2008
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Oh my the girls have a worse problem than Tom? Now how are they going to protect themselves with this new danger? Going to read the next then review.
butterflykiss
Comment Written 27-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2008
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Hey there, hope you had a great weekend.
Yes, we have a dual problem. Hop over to the next one and we'll talk more.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Norbanus
Them Ruskies don't mess around, do they? And Annabelle knows how to change the subject when whe needs a change of pace. :-)
Here are a couple of spots to check:
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Wordy and telly:
Watching the kids romping in the pool made the reflux boil again and Tom grabbed his stomach in pain. He swallowed and swallowed while jealous fury consumed him.
How about:
The reflux boil again, as Tom watched the kids romp in the pool. He grabbed his stomach in pain, swallowed and swallowed, jealous fury consuming him.
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Wordy and passive:
With that completed, the integrity of the fence developed a weakness that allowed them to gain access to the property.
Consider:
With integrity of the fence breached, the two me slithered under the wire and onto the Baker property.
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Wordy and assonance--progress/property:
They made slow progress across the bottom of the property, eyes constantly shifting, searching the shrubbery for their quarry.
Try:
They made slow progress, eyes constantly shifting, searching the shrubbery for their quarry.
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reply by the author on 27-Jul-2008
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Them Ruskies don't mess around, do they? And Annabelle knows how to change the subject when whe needs a change of pace. :-)
Here are a couple of spots to check:
-------
Wordy and telly:
Watching the kids romping in the pool made the reflux boil again and Tom grabbed his stomach in pain. He swallowed and swallowed while jealous fury consumed him.
How about:
The reflux boil again, as Tom watched the kids romp in the pool. He grabbed his stomach in pain, swallowed and swallowed, jealous fury consuming him.
--------
Wordy and passive:
With that completed, the integrity of the fence developed a weakness that allowed them to gain access to the property.
Consider:
With integrity of the fence breached, the two me slithered under the wire and onto the Baker property.
--------
Wordy and assonance--progress/property:
They made slow progress across the bottom of the property, eyes constantly shifting, searching the shrubbery for their quarry.
Try:
They made slow progress, eyes constantly shifting, searching the shrubbery for their quarry.
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Comment Written 27-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2008
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Hey Freddie,
WOW! Sixer. I'll get these changes make poste haste so I deserve your high praise. It's so funny, we were talking about great reviewers in the forum and as always, your name came to my mind. This is exactly what I was talking about.
thanks for those eagle eyes and very kind comments.
Best hugs,
Annabelle
Comment from Domino
Hi, Gayle.'
The warm afternoon sun lulled the insects that crawled through the colorful flowers; the woodland creatures napped, hardly a chirp to be heard, and even the birds did not bicker. Dappled sunlight filtered through the leaves.' - great descriptive opening.
Good descriptions of Tom's (long lost son?) emotions and the scene at the pool.
Oh my God, what a sudden and impactive end to the chapter. One extreme to the other. Great writing. Poor Tom, seemed like a nice bloke, LOL
Ray xx
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2008
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Hi, Gayle.'
The warm afternoon sun lulled the insects that crawled through the colorful flowers; the woodland creatures napped, hardly a chirp to be heard, and even the birds did not bicker. Dappled sunlight filtered through the leaves.' - great descriptive opening.
Good descriptions of Tom's (long lost son?) emotions and the scene at the pool.
Oh my God, what a sudden and impactive end to the chapter. One extreme to the other. Great writing. Poor Tom, seemed like a nice bloke, LOL
Ray xx
Comment Written 27-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2008
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Hey Ray,
Another big bang, huh? Although this is all one chapter in the book, I felt it worked better to break it up. Besides, Tom deserved his own ending, lol.
Thanks so much for the pleasure you get reading this story...it washes back to me and makes me grin like a monkey!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Kym Jade
We wouldn't be watching the kids in the pool we would be in there with them. We were beginning to get very worried for Sara's safety but the Russians have taken care of Tom. Where was Sadie while these three were creeping around and why didn't the Russians take Tom's gun? off to read the next installment.
Love and blessings.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2008
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We wouldn't be watching the kids in the pool we would be in there with them. We were beginning to get very worried for Sara's safety but the Russians have taken care of Tom. Where was Sadie while these three were creeping around and why didn't the Russians take Tom's gun? off to read the next installment.
Love and blessings.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2008
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Hi Girls,
Well, I left the gun on him because when Jim and Lenny arrive on the scene, it's gonna send them off in an entirely different direction! LOL! You know me..twisty, turny.
Mostly, Sadie sticks with Candace, which is how she got in trouble in the first place. She doesn't explore the grounds like any normal dog. Freddie wondered whether she would have heard the shot. With a silencer and all, I assumed not. Did you notice that, too?
Let me know if you think it should be included.
Hugs,
Gayle
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Hi, just read this. Maybe Sadie heard the silenced gun but stayed with Candace.
Comment from RenieReader
Oh, my gosh, Gayle. Now no one will know why Tom was there. Or who shot him. Or why. I can't stand it that all these crazy dudes are wandering on the property. Where's Amy? Argh! I'm on pins and needles here. Help me, girlfriend. Terrific writing with a ton and a half of suspense. As far as the Italics, I'd trust you with my life.
Hugs,
Renie
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2008
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Oh, my gosh, Gayle. Now no one will know why Tom was there. Or who shot him. Or why. I can't stand it that all these crazy dudes are wandering on the property. Where's Amy? Argh! I'm on pins and needles here. Help me, girlfriend. Terrific writing with a ton and a half of suspense. As far as the Italics, I'd trust you with my life.
Hugs,
Renie
Comment Written 26-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2008
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Hey Renie,
We're about to meet the real hero/heroine team coming up here pretty soon. They have a huge red herring to figure out, huh? Should be a ball there.
Love the comments, so cute...and Amy'll be there shortly. She's at the restaurant, playing with Chef.
Hugs,
Gayle
