Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Another Danger Looms"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
23 total reviews
Comment from medisec
Sorry for the delay, Gayle. I've just arrived back from holidays and had a grueling trip home (delays galore), and have been too whipped to do reviewing. I really enjoyed this chapter; you've set up some suspense and ended with a cliffhanger, which is great with any mystery novel. Well done. I enjoyed it. I've made note of a couple of things:
small, art deco sign (no need for comma--compound adjective)
gray striped -- gray-striped
quandary - quandry
Rae
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2008
  |
Sorry for the delay, Gayle. I've just arrived back from holidays and had a grueling trip home (delays galore), and have been too whipped to do reviewing. I really enjoyed this chapter; you've set up some suspense and ended with a cliffhanger, which is great with any mystery novel. Well done. I enjoyed it. I've made note of a couple of things:
small, art deco sign (no need for comma--compound adjective)
gray striped -- gray-striped
quandary - quandry
Rae
Comment Written 02-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2008
-
Hi Rae,
gosh, I made those changes...thanks for the eagle eye and the heads-up! Hope you had a great holiday. Delays...the name of the traveling game, huh?
Glad to have you back,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
Awwwww, Tension is building again....Cannot wait to see what is gonna happening next.Sometimes certain problems gets worsen if the police gets notified immediately, which is sad.Reporting a suspected fraud could land us in trouble, for one.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2008
|
Awwwww, Tension is building again....Cannot wait to see what is gonna happening next.Sometimes certain problems gets worsen if the police gets notified immediately, which is sad.Reporting a suspected fraud could land us in trouble, for one.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2008
-
Hey Stephy,
We're getting into it now. Took forever! Just a couple of more chapters and we'll have all the players in place.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Sissy
Hi Gayle,
Now we've got to Russians in the mix, and a strange sort of 'imminence of a breakthrough'. Hmm... can't wait to read more!
Overall, the beginning of this was great. I felt like you lost the flow a little with the two Russians' dialogue. That felt a little stilted to me. Maybe do a little research and try to get a bit of Russian vocab in there. These guys seem a bit 'old-school', USSR guys!
Some things to check out:
Tom put the bottle back (need?--->in the box) and removed a small handgun
knew it was loaded, but he (<--can kick) checked again anyway.
A woman in her mid-fifties hopped out (need?--->of the car), clipboard in hand and proceeded to
made their way back up the trail in a gingerly
They walked back up the trail, sn
(back up/back up)
talked for a bit, then walked to the trunk, r
watched them walk back down the path and disappear
But they already walked down that path
(a lotta 'walk'-ing.)
Things get loco...." Anton pointed
(not sure about the 'loco' here. Try to find the Russian word, maybe?)
glove box, removed two handguns
Anton removed a pair of wire cutters and
(removed/removed)
Take care, girl!
Sissy
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2008
 |
Hi Gayle,
Now we've got to Russians in the mix, and a strange sort of 'imminence of a breakthrough'. Hmm... can't wait to read more!
Overall, the beginning of this was great. I felt like you lost the flow a little with the two Russians' dialogue. That felt a little stilted to me. Maybe do a little research and try to get a bit of Russian vocab in there. These guys seem a bit 'old-school', USSR guys!
Some things to check out:
Tom put the bottle back (need?--->in the box) and removed a small handgun
knew it was loaded, but he (<--can kick) checked again anyway.
A woman in her mid-fifties hopped out (need?--->of the car), clipboard in hand and proceeded to
made their way back up the trail in a gingerly
They walked back up the trail, sn
(back up/back up)
talked for a bit, then walked to the trunk, r
watched them walk back down the path and disappear
But they already walked down that path
(a lotta 'walk'-ing.)
Things get loco...." Anton pointed
(not sure about the 'loco' here. Try to find the Russian word, maybe?)
glove box, removed two handguns
Anton removed a pair of wire cutters and
(removed/removed)
Take care, girl!
Sissy
Comment Written 25-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2008
-
Hey Sissy,
I don't like the loco either. I'll get a replacement, for sure. Now, the accent, I'd really like your take on that. I'm leaving out "a, the" and that's about all. I don't want to get them sounding like Boris and Natasha, although that's what they sound like in my head.
Several duplications as well. Please give me about twenty minutes or so and let me fix. If you can glance over the troubled spots, let me know how you like them.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from davidray
Howdy,Gayle,
You keep rackin' them up, don't ya? The fact you don't have to review sure frees up a lot of your time (and I suppose having the freedom not having to work).This isn't an insult, my dear. I'm just envious! Oh, heck ... maybe some year.You've probably paid your dues.
I stay up late, get up before 4, and still can't keep up with ya.
Enjoyed this section.Very smooth transition with some terrific dialogue and narration. Congrats on your victory as well. Just curious: What do they look for to win the story of the month?
Have a care and keep smiling! Are you able to follow along with mine still?The story will be unfoldng very, very soon. Lots of goodies, I hope.
Always,
David
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2008
|
Howdy,Gayle,
You keep rackin' them up, don't ya? The fact you don't have to review sure frees up a lot of your time (and I suppose having the freedom not having to work).This isn't an insult, my dear. I'm just envious! Oh, heck ... maybe some year.You've probably paid your dues.
I stay up late, get up before 4, and still can't keep up with ya.
Enjoyed this section.Very smooth transition with some terrific dialogue and narration. Congrats on your victory as well. Just curious: What do they look for to win the story of the month?
Have a care and keep smiling! Are you able to follow along with mine still?The story will be unfoldng very, very soon. Lots of goodies, I hope.
Always,
David
Comment Written 24-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2008
-
Hey David,
Have I missed any of your chapters? I thought I was right in step with you, buddy. PM me if I've missed anything. Can't have that!
Okay, you are right, I am one lucky gal. When you reach my age, you'll be retired too with all the time in the world to write. I feel your pain, though, and I'm not being a wiseacre. It's terribly frustrating when the world and family makes such endless demands on you. Hang in there.
Now, how do they determine the Book of the Month winner? I haven't a clue. Tom picks the books to go into the booth and then the fans vote.
Dave and I were tied for ages and two more different books could not be under consideration! Dave's reprising Dante's Inferno...I haven't missed a chapter, and it's incredibly in depth with tons of characters, very funny little asides delivered in a fantasy/scifi genre. Firestorm is a thriller, on the other hand.
Now, did you read Sissy's entry, Southern Hospitality? Excellent...and I better stop there because I'm not familiar with ALL the authors and don't want to be prejudicial. There was some really good stuff in there!
But how it's picked? Armtwisting, I guess! Tehee, really, I don't know. Since the site gives little if any marketing time to the contests and the entries aren't allowed to notify anyone they're even in the contest, it's kinda quiet. I'm hoping Tom will allow us to campaign, but, who knows!
Thanks for the great R&R and let me know if I've missed something!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from butterflykiss
Poor Tom is he in trouble? Are they going to kill him? Did you Throw in a twist or did I miss a chapter. It's very good I'm enjoying it very much.
Butterflykiss
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2008
|
Poor Tom is he in trouble? Are they going to kill him? Did you Throw in a twist or did I miss a chapter. It's very good I'm enjoying it very much.
Butterflykiss
Comment Written 24-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2008
-
Hey I think Tom is toast! If they don't get him, Sadie will.
I'm not sure if you missed a chapter, did you read where Sadie and Tom met for the first time, down at the barn?
Thanks for the R&R and we'll talk again soon,
Gayle
-
Hello,
Yes I read that chapter. But the two men I don't know who they are? Poor Tom he should have found a young single girl that could love him, and stop looking for ones that don't want him.
Good luck.
Butterflykiss
Comment from Kym Jade
Now you have me worried for Sadie's safety. Three men with guns not good. At the moment I think Tom is the more dangerous. Now what formula do the Russians want? Another good chapter, when are our heros going to come back into this story?
Congratulations on the win.
Love and blessings.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2008
|
Now you have me worried for Sadie's safety. Three men with guns not good. At the moment I think Tom is the more dangerous. Now what formula do the Russians want? Another good chapter, when are our heros going to come back into this story?
Congratulations on the win.
Love and blessings.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2008
-
Metcha Ladies,
Thank you so much, and congrats back for your win as well. Love that little gal.
Okay, we're in it up to our eyeballs now. The Russians...are you getting echos of Boris and Natasha? One of my friends says it's tickling her funny bone when they talk. Yes, you know, we start off with one thing and morph into another. No difference with this book LOL!
Love you bunches,
Gayle
Comment from RenieReader
Holy moly, is like 'flippin' Grand Central Station.' What are these Russian dudes after? I suspect all of them might be in for a surprise when they meet our four-legged female friend. Hope she doesn't get hurt in the process, though.
One suggestion:
[As t]hey walked (omit==>back up the trail), snatches of conversation float[ing==>ed] across the road to Tom. (You just said they were walking back up the trail.)
Hugs,
Renie
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2008
|
Holy moly, is like 'flippin' Grand Central Station.' What are these Russian dudes after? I suspect all of them might be in for a surprise when they meet our four-legged female friend. Hope she doesn't get hurt in the process, though.
One suggestion:
[As t]hey walked (omit==>back up the trail), snatches of conversation float[ing==>ed] across the road to Tom. (You just said they were walking back up the trail.)
Hugs,
Renie
Comment Written 23-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2008
-
Hey Renie,
LOL! We're in it deep now. Poor Tom! I think he's toast.
Let me check that out...don't need 'back up the trail' for sure. Thanks for the eagle eye and the R&R!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Johnny Carwash
This book continues to entertain the heck out of me, Gayle. Such an excellent horror/thriller entry. The characters are well-written and the story is very engaging and exciting. :)
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2008
|
This book continues to entertain the heck out of me, Gayle. Such an excellent horror/thriller entry. The characters are well-written and the story is very engaging and exciting. :)
Comment Written 23-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2008
-
Hey Johnny,
thanks so much for the comments and the fine R&R!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
I really like the chapter, it just needs a tiny bit of cleaning up. The two Russians, now that's a twist I never saw coming. Should be interestring.
His breathing slowly returned to normal(,) but his acid reflux continued to churn.
He knew it was loaded(,) but he checked again anyway.
The sounds of engines climbing the hill grabbed his attention and he slid lower in the seat. ( I'm not possitive, but I don't think sounds should be plural. The sound of many engines, more than one engine, but not more than one sound. hmm)
They parked in the spot he'd just vacated, causing Tom to shiver.
How about showing Tom shiver.
When they parked in the spot he'd just vacated, Tom shivered.
They walked back up the trail, snatches of conversation floating across the road to Tom.
(This sort of lingers here. Maybe add to the end of the last sentence and shorten.
(direction she pointed. He could hear snatches of conversation as the walked back up the trail.)
The same white truck and horse trailer that had left earlier this morning(,) swung wide to the left side of the road and then stopped by the gate.
Thus invisible to either the driver or the camera that filmed the entrance, he moved along behind the trailer. ( I think Thus sounds out of place to me.)
We take him out before he messes up our plans(,) or do we watch and see what he does?"
hugs
book
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2008
|
I really like the chapter, it just needs a tiny bit of cleaning up. The two Russians, now that's a twist I never saw coming. Should be interestring.
His breathing slowly returned to normal(,) but his acid reflux continued to churn.
He knew it was loaded(,) but he checked again anyway.
The sounds of engines climbing the hill grabbed his attention and he slid lower in the seat. ( I'm not possitive, but I don't think sounds should be plural. The sound of many engines, more than one engine, but not more than one sound. hmm)
They parked in the spot he'd just vacated, causing Tom to shiver.
How about showing Tom shiver.
When they parked in the spot he'd just vacated, Tom shivered.
They walked back up the trail, snatches of conversation floating across the road to Tom.
(This sort of lingers here. Maybe add to the end of the last sentence and shorten.
(direction she pointed. He could hear snatches of conversation as the walked back up the trail.)
The same white truck and horse trailer that had left earlier this morning(,) swung wide to the left side of the road and then stopped by the gate.
Thus invisible to either the driver or the camera that filmed the entrance, he moved along behind the trailer. ( I think Thus sounds out of place to me.)
We take him out before he messes up our plans(,) or do we watch and see what he does?"
hugs
book
Comment Written 23-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2008
-
Hey Heidi,
First, if you get the chance, I think it's ch. 6, I did a redo of the 'fence' thingy. Much improved. Sissy mentioned it too. If you have a minute could you take a look see? I value your eye!
Now, this one. I agree as well...don't like 'thus' at all. I also agree with the comma suggestions...well, most of them, tehee. Off to repair. Let me know if you think it's improved after I reedit.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Domino
Hi, Gayle.
Off we go for 'Ray's Russian rambling roller-coaster ranch ride.' (I'm SO illiterate, I mean 'alliterate,)
'Before long[comma] one of the men----'
'While Tom mulled their quandry over his head---' - not sure about this sentense
Maybe, to be more 'active' - 'the gate opened' ?
'that lined the interior fence [comma] and disappeared.'
Nice easy intro of the 'breakthrough' in the dialogue.
Great new twist to the tale, Gayle. Maybe we'll start rooting for good old Tom to slip the nasty Russians, LOL
Very easy and enjoyable read. Ray .xxx
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2008
|
Hi, Gayle.
Off we go for 'Ray's Russian rambling roller-coaster ranch ride.' (I'm SO illiterate, I mean 'alliterate,)
'Before long[comma] one of the men----'
'While Tom mulled their quandry over his head---' - not sure about this sentense
Maybe, to be more 'active' - 'the gate opened' ?
'that lined the interior fence [comma] and disappeared.'
Nice easy intro of the 'breakthrough' in the dialogue.
Great new twist to the tale, Gayle. Maybe we'll start rooting for good old Tom to slip the nasty Russians, LOL
Very easy and enjoyable read. Ray .xxx
Comment Written 23-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2008
-
Hi Ray,
Hey, I agree on all the commas, got/em on the run. Also, I took out 'in his head' and left the sentence..While Tom mulled the quandry. Good catch, excellent review!
Thanks a bunch,
Gayle
