Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Foiled!"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
18 total reviews
Comment from Sissy
Hi Gayle,
Good strong beginning to the chapter, lots of menace promised there, and I liked the midde, with the description of the property, and the chat between mom and daughter. The end felt a bit weak to me. I'll try to point out where below.
Check these out:
Most of the property was out of her line of sight, but the path to the barn and the woods behind the paddocks were in plain view (try to change either the 'was' or the 'were'. Suggestion: 'paddocks remained in plain view'?)
Jane grinned as Sara
She ran a hand down the mare's neck, grinning.
handed one to Jane and grinned
(lotsa 'grin' - ning here! :) )
The colt wasn't sure about the trailer, but he was not about to be separated from his mother. (a bit stiff, with the 'was not'.)
I think when I grow up I want to be a horse trainer. What a fun life and so exciting." (right about here I thought this got a bit cutesy, and so was her mom's response. Man, I hope this is not offensive, Gayle! Shoot, I gave my mom that 'I want to be a horse trainer' line a billion times. It was the 'What a fun life and so exciting' that got me. Arrgh! See if anyone dings you on this.)
Hope this helps!
Sis
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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2008
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Hi Gayle,
Good strong beginning to the chapter, lots of menace promised there, and I liked the midde, with the description of the property, and the chat between mom and daughter. The end felt a bit weak to me. I'll try to point out where below.
Check these out:
Most of the property was out of her line of sight, but the path to the barn and the woods behind the paddocks were in plain view (try to change either the 'was' or the 'were'. Suggestion: 'paddocks remained in plain view'?)
Jane grinned as Sara
She ran a hand down the mare's neck, grinning.
handed one to Jane and grinned
(lotsa 'grin' - ning here! :) )
The colt wasn't sure about the trailer, but he was not about to be separated from his mother. (a bit stiff, with the 'was not'.)
I think when I grow up I want to be a horse trainer. What a fun life and so exciting." (right about here I thought this got a bit cutesy, and so was her mom's response. Man, I hope this is not offensive, Gayle! Shoot, I gave my mom that 'I want to be a horse trainer' line a billion times. It was the 'What a fun life and so exciting' that got me. Arrgh! See if anyone dings you on this.)
Hope this helps!
Sis
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2008
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LOL! We who used said device know well when it's being employed!
Sissy, I love you muchly and you're so right. Will amend, I promise.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
Very good chapter. A couple of nits.
causing her tail to go around in circles. (They have tails?)
What a fun life(,) and so exciting." or...
"What a fun, exciting life."
hope this is helpful.
hugs
book
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2008
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Very good chapter. A couple of nits.
causing her tail to go around in circles. (They have tails?)
What a fun life(,) and so exciting." or...
"What a fun, exciting life."
hope this is helpful.
hugs
book
Comment Written 22-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2008
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Hey Heidi,
Yeah, short ones, usually about the length of your index finger. Boxers and Rotties have them cut real short but Dobies have a bit longer one.
I'll fix the nit and thanks so much hon,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Lynn27
Hi Gayle,
This is another great chapter! Love those great details. I feel like I am right there. You are doing a nice job!
This might be a nit:
Well, she's a horse trader,
should trader be trainer?
EXcellent!
Lynn
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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Hi Gayle,
This is another great chapter! Love those great details. I feel like I am right there. You are doing a nice job!
This might be a nit:
Well, she's a horse trader,
should trader be trainer?
EXcellent!
Lynn
Comment Written 21-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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Hi Lynn,
Well, she is a trainer, but in the context, it's trader. She buys and sells horses, trains them when necessary.
I thank you so much for the great comments and that eagle eye! You're so appreciated,
Gayle
Comment from davidray
My goodness, girlfriend! It must be nice to be able to keep posting so often and not have to review. Yes, I'm envious.
Hey, i did enjoy this section, my dear, and I didn't find anything worth nagging at you about. Geez, are you improving or are my eyes too tired? Hmmmm.
Just teasin' ya!
Well done.Terrific flow.
Happy traiuls.
David
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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My goodness, girlfriend! It must be nice to be able to keep posting so often and not have to review. Yes, I'm envious.
Hey, i did enjoy this section, my dear, and I didn't find anything worth nagging at you about. Geez, are you improving or are my eyes too tired? Hmmmm.
Just teasin' ya!
Well done.Terrific flow.
Happy traiuls.
David
Comment Written 20-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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Hey David,
Thanks for the great comments and rating. I'm glad you're enjoying this one. Now get some eyedrops and get back to reading. Wait until you get the next couple of chapters!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from medisec
This is another good chapter--it's not quite as suspenseful as others, but I know the dealings with the horses are important to the story. I think Sadie is watching out for Tom Harris again for another confrontation. I've made note of some commas again, but of course, it's still your call.
such ferocity(,) he had no
From time to time(,) she'd
Sadie sighed(,) then
grow up(,) I want
grow up(,) you can
Rae
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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This is another good chapter--it's not quite as suspenseful as others, but I know the dealings with the horses are important to the story. I think Sadie is watching out for Tom Harris again for another confrontation. I've made note of some commas again, but of course, it's still your call.
such ferocity(,) he had no
From time to time(,) she'd
Sadie sighed(,) then
grow up(,) I want
grow up(,) you can
Rae
Comment Written 19-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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Hey Rae,
We're setting up, for sure, and getting a bit of a breather, as well. We'll be moving into high gear in another chapter or two. Thank you so much for the support and the kind comments.
I definitely see a comma or two I need to insert. LOL! :-)
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
This is an excellent chapter, especially when you talk about the horses. Also, Sadie is very much a guard dog. She will not focus on little critters when she suspects a human with foul play in mind.
I noticed your name change. It's Mister Harris now.
I found no spag but have one small suggestion:
"Sara patted Star one more time and {then} left the stall, locking it behind her." I don't think you need the word "then."
Dave M
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2008
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Gayle,
This is an excellent chapter, especially when you talk about the horses. Also, Sadie is very much a guard dog. She will not focus on little critters when she suspects a human with foul play in mind.
I noticed your name change. It's Mister Harris now.
I found no spag but have one small suggestion:
"Sara patted Star one more time and {then} left the stall, locking it behind her." I don't think you need the word "then."
Dave M
Comment Written 18-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2008
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Hey Dave,
Good for you! I don't need that 'then' for sure. Will get rid of.
Thank you so much for the fine comments and your review,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Another fine chapter. As I said before, Sadie will not forget Tom. He best get something to cover his neck. Maybe an iron necklace or something like that. A couple of spag issues for you below.
Janes impressed. >> Jane's impressed.
I grow up I want to be a >> I grow up, I want to be a
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2008
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Another fine chapter. As I said before, Sadie will not forget Tom. He best get something to cover his neck. Maybe an iron necklace or something like that. A couple of spag issues for you below.
Janes impressed. >> Jane's impressed.
I grow up I want to be a >> I grow up, I want to be a
Comment Written 18-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2008
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Hey Jan,
How's it going? Good to see you back again. Both good catches. I already got the apostrophe in, and I agree, I need a comma there.
Thanks so much for the R&R and your eagle eye!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Kym Jade
Well Sadie stopped Tom from cutting the fence to get in. What a good dog for staying on task and not wanting to go after the rabbit. Hope Tom doesn?t find out how the coyotes get in but that doesn?t matter now Sadie knows about him. Loved the bits about the pony and horses. I used to ride a horse named Star knew her since she was born too. Loved this chapter it is letting us get to know the character and their surroundings very well.
Typo:
From time to time she'd hear them call her name, causing her tail (to) go around in circles.
the flatwork got quite polished; Janes (Jane?s) impressed.
Love and blessings
Should be some more about our critter next week.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2008
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Well Sadie stopped Tom from cutting the fence to get in. What a good dog for staying on task and not wanting to go after the rabbit. Hope Tom doesn?t find out how the coyotes get in but that doesn?t matter now Sadie knows about him. Loved the bits about the pony and horses. I used to ride a horse named Star knew her since she was born too. Loved this chapter it is letting us get to know the character and their surroundings very well.
Typo:
From time to time she'd hear them call her name, causing her tail (to) go around in circles.
the flatwork got quite polished; Janes (Jane?s) impressed.
Love and blessings
Should be some more about our critter next week.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2008
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Metcha Ladies!
Man you just found something for me that I have to consider. Coyotes would not be inside the compound, just in the surrounding areas. I have to make sure I have that clear to the reader. Or, we have holes in our fence line, which could happen, but they wouldn't use them. Too shy.
Yeah, more critters from you, as well. Love to read about them.
Great catches, will get them right now!
Hugs and love,
Gayle
Comment from RenieReader
Hi, Gayle: This is another intriguing chapter with all sorts of women, mares, fillies, and Sadie. Then we have the evil Tom Harris, and the nipple nipping foal. Hmmm? Great combinations and the right formula for trouble. Terrific work.
she'd hear them call her name, causing her tail [to] go around
(Uh, what did Jane scoop up the pile of poop with?)
She's had her for thirty days and in that time, the flatwork got quite polished; Jane[']s impressed.
(What's the flatwork that got polished?)
Hugs,
Renie
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2008
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Hi, Gayle: This is another intriguing chapter with all sorts of women, mares, fillies, and Sadie. Then we have the evil Tom Harris, and the nipple nipping foal. Hmmm? Great combinations and the right formula for trouble. Terrific work.
she'd hear them call her name, causing her tail [to] go around
(Uh, what did Jane scoop up the pile of poop with?)
She's had her for thirty days and in that time, the flatwork got quite polished; Jane[']s impressed.
(What's the flatwork that got polished?)
Hugs,
Renie
Comment Written 18-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2008
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Hey Renie,
What a hoot, you've got me chuckling here. Very funny girl, you are.
Sometimes I lapse into thinking I'm writing for the horse kids again. That's an apple picker Jane used...I added it in. The flatwork, that's training a horse to perfect it's gaits. I fixed it so non-horse types will understand better...got the ' too and the tail thing. Got'em all!
Thanks and huge hugs,
Gayle
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Good grief. I had a picture of Jane picking up the road apples with her hand and then grabbing a cup of coffee with the same hand. Barf. LOL. Glad you enlightened me.
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It's another slip I made in assuming.
We always carry a little apple picker in the trailers. It goes without saying for those of us who do this all the time. Ya can't leave that stuff sit...it rots the mats.
But the the regular reader, it's like, EEUW!
Comment from butterflykiss
This is a feel good chapter, And that the way I felt while reading it. Star sounds like she's going to be a great jumper. This is moving right along and like it should.
Good luck.
Butterflykiss
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2008
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This is a feel good chapter, And that the way I felt while reading it. Star sounds like she's going to be a great jumper. This is moving right along and like it should.
Good luck.
Butterflykiss
Comment Written 18-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2008
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Hi there,
Well, the horses are leaving the story for a while now. We're moving on to other adventures. So glad you liked this one. See you soon,
Hugs,
Gayle
