Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Tom meets Sadie"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
29 total reviews
Comment from Sissy
REREVIEW!
Hey Gayle!
Good stuff. Nice job with the edits. Great job eliminating the overuse of 'fence', and all the rest.
Take care,
Sissy
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Hey Gayle,
I saw the 'fence' thing you told me about.
Stiff-legged, she approached (. I think you could kick this--->the fence.)
bit at the fence and snarled at him (bit at the wire? Isn't chain link wire?)
Reluctant, the dog snapped at the fence (at him, maybe? We know the fence is in between?) again, turned on her heels and trotted
--Keep thinkin' about it. Those are just suggestions off the top of my head!
Overall, another good chapter, and I'm glad Sadie now has Tom Harris in her sights. I wonder if she's experienced enough to deal with him?
Some things to check out:
A dark gray pony stretched his neck over the stall door and chuckled at Candace, begging for a treat. She stroked the gray nose while (dark gray pony/gray nose. Probably should try to kick the 'gray' before 'nose'. Maybe use another adjective like 'soft', or just go with 'his nose'?)
Eyes wild, he sat in silence while Sadie, outraged at being unable to reach him, bit at the fence and snarled(. can eliminate---> at him.)
. You good heffe." ('jefe' is boss in Spanish.)
Took advantage of Mama's good nature and now she's playing rough, huh?" She glanced at the roughed-up fur on his butt and chuckled (rough/roughed up)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2008
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REREVIEW!
Hey Gayle!
Good stuff. Nice job with the edits. Great job eliminating the overuse of 'fence', and all the rest.
Take care,
Sissy
-------------------------------
Hey Gayle,
I saw the 'fence' thing you told me about.
Stiff-legged, she approached (. I think you could kick this--->the fence.)
bit at the fence and snarled at him (bit at the wire? Isn't chain link wire?)
Reluctant, the dog snapped at the fence (at him, maybe? We know the fence is in between?) again, turned on her heels and trotted
--Keep thinkin' about it. Those are just suggestions off the top of my head!
Overall, another good chapter, and I'm glad Sadie now has Tom Harris in her sights. I wonder if she's experienced enough to deal with him?
Some things to check out:
A dark gray pony stretched his neck over the stall door and chuckled at Candace, begging for a treat. She stroked the gray nose while (dark gray pony/gray nose. Probably should try to kick the 'gray' before 'nose'. Maybe use another adjective like 'soft', or just go with 'his nose'?)
Eyes wild, he sat in silence while Sadie, outraged at being unable to reach him, bit at the fence and snarled(. can eliminate---> at him.)
. You good heffe." ('jefe' is boss in Spanish.)
Took advantage of Mama's good nature and now she's playing rough, huh?" She glanced at the roughed-up fur on his butt and chuckled (rough/roughed up)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
Comment Written 23-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2008
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Hey Sissy,
I just did a major revamp, utilizing your and Heidi's suggestions. I think it's really good now, but if you have a sec, could you skim over it? The changes are better.
Hugs and huge thanks,
Gayle
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Hey Gayle,
I added onto my review at the top! Nice job with the edits!
Also, CONGRATS ON BOOK OF THE MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
Take care,
Sissy
Comment from bookishfabler
I'm giving you five dispite the 'fence' thing.
The dark sky lightened with each passing moment, and the eastern exposure in the kitchen offered a breathtaking view of the preparations underway to greet the sun. Blue emerged, almost gray at first, the hues intensifying as the sun neared the horizon.
(Beautiful description)(The next paragrapgh too.)
The mouse kept running, instinctively seeing safety on the other side of the fence. It slowed just long enough to scoot through the chain link, and skitter between the legs of the man who squatted next to the fence.
( You say fence twice, but I'm not sure how to fix it. hmm. let's get the thesaurus... enclosure, pen, barricade, rail, paling?)
next paragrapgh again. Stiff-legged, she approached the fence.
And again in the next.
onto his butt as she body-slammed the fence.
bit at the fence and snarled at him.
Reluctant, the dog snapped at the fence again, turned on her heels and trotted back to the barn.
Sadie stared at the fence, lips lifted.
The guy on the other side of the fence was a different story entirely.
(LOL, you need to count how many times you say 'fence')
hugs
book
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2008
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I'm giving you five dispite the 'fence' thing.
The dark sky lightened with each passing moment, and the eastern exposure in the kitchen offered a breathtaking view of the preparations underway to greet the sun. Blue emerged, almost gray at first, the hues intensifying as the sun neared the horizon.
(Beautiful description)(The next paragrapgh too.)
The mouse kept running, instinctively seeing safety on the other side of the fence. It slowed just long enough to scoot through the chain link, and skitter between the legs of the man who squatted next to the fence.
( You say fence twice, but I'm not sure how to fix it. hmm. let's get the thesaurus... enclosure, pen, barricade, rail, paling?)
next paragrapgh again. Stiff-legged, she approached the fence.
And again in the next.
onto his butt as she body-slammed the fence.
bit at the fence and snarled at him.
Reluctant, the dog snapped at the fence again, turned on her heels and trotted back to the barn.
Sadie stared at the fence, lips lifted.
The guy on the other side of the fence was a different story entirely.
(LOL, you need to count how many times you say 'fence')
hugs
book
Comment Written 22-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2008
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Heidi,
I can't believe I did that. Needless to say, I'll get in there right away. Man, you just never see that. Give me to tomorrow, I'll fix it all up.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Lynn27
Hi Gayle,
WOW! This was a great chapter! You did a wonderful job in setting up everything that had me on edge of my seat.
Keep up the good work!
Off to read the next chapter!
Lynn
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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Hi Gayle,
WOW! This was a great chapter! You did a wonderful job in setting up everything that had me on edge of my seat.
Keep up the good work!
Off to read the next chapter!
Lynn
Comment Written 21-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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Hi Lynn,
Thanks for the fine comments and your R&R. It's so appreciated,
Gayle
Comment from Trin
An excellent section. I haven't read the rest yet but I certainly will. I grew up on a horse stud and still train dressage horses so you have peaked my interest. It all seemed to flow well, sorry I can be of no assistance with the Spanish.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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An excellent section. I haven't read the rest yet but I certainly will. I grew up on a horse stud and still train dressage horses so you have peaked my interest. It all seemed to flow well, sorry I can be of no assistance with the Spanish.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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Hi Trin,
Well, a fellow horseman. I've written a series about teens and their horses...jumpers. I don't have them for view on this site any longer, but if you're interested, give me a pm and I'll shoot one over to you.
So nice to make a new friend,
Gayle
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Would love to read your other story/series if you can let me know where to find it - I used to showjump as a teenager - still love it and wish I wasn't better at dressage than showjumping - showjumping has a much fairer system of judging!
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Oh, man, is that the truth. It's like hunters! GRRR! In jumpers, either you left the rail up or you didn't and the clock doesn't lie.
Go to www.gaylefarmer.com and cruise through the YA books. They're all ready to go, and I'll treat you to the first one, Follow Your Dreams.
My hubby manages the site stuff and he is hoping to get the thrillers on the site as soon as this weekend. It takes time transferring them into all the different kind of ebook selections.
Hope you enjoy. Oh, check the photo page. Those are two of the horses we bred.
Comment from davidray
Hi Gayle,
A wonderful section to review. Certainly nothing major slaps me across the head and tells me you have a problem. Terririfc. Good, solid dialogue and the narrative delivered.
I think you have to italicize foreign words. I was always told that by my tutor. Anything in another language gets italicized.
One tiny nit for your consideration, please:
-She much beautiful, Senora. I likeit the teeth. (what is this supposed to read after 'Senora'? Typo perhaps?)
Keep going and I'll keep writing!!
Hugs,
David
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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Hi Gayle,
A wonderful section to review. Certainly nothing major slaps me across the head and tells me you have a problem. Terririfc. Good, solid dialogue and the narrative delivered.
I think you have to italicize foreign words. I was always told that by my tutor. Anything in another language gets italicized.
One tiny nit for your consideration, please:
-She much beautiful, Senora. I likeit the teeth. (what is this supposed to read after 'Senora'? Typo perhaps?)
Keep going and I'll keep writing!!
Hugs,
David
Comment Written 20-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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Hey David,
Yes, for sure, italicize foreign words. I've done it that way in the ms, but here on FS I will not mess with Evil Eddie. He throws ??????????'s into my work and it takes forever to fix it.
Now, that "likeit" is an accent. Many of the Mexicans I've worked with seem to add "it" onto their verbs. Thus, a hotwalker becomes a hotwalkit, you 'feedit' the horses. It's very endearing, at least to me. I have to admire anyone who tries to speak in another language. You won't see a lot more of Juan, but his way of speaking is the way they talk.
Thanks so much for the fine comments!
Hugs,
Gayle
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Oh, I don't remember them talking like that, but I'll believe ya, darling. Good to hear from you.
Hope all is going well with ya. :)
Comment from RazberryBullet
Nice foreshadowing of trouble to come with Tom Harris. One wonders what he was doing there!
suggestion: ...You good heffe.---You already know it means 'chief' or 'boss'. It's pronounced the way you have it, but it's spelled 'jefe' . I assume a jefe can be a woman.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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Nice foreshadowing of trouble to come with Tom Harris. One wonders what he was doing there!
suggestion: ...You good heffe.---You already know it means 'chief' or 'boss'. It's pronounced the way you have it, but it's spelled 'jefe' . I assume a jefe can be a woman.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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Hey Raz,
Long time no see! Nice of you to drop by for a visit. Okay, Jefe is the correct way to spell it, it's pronounced 'heffe' and I'm about to chuck the both of them out the window. It's the one thing about using a foreign language.
If you were writing this, would you just say 'boss' and leave it at that?
Thanks for the visit and the fine rating. I really appreciate it,
Gayle
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If you were writing this, would you just say 'boss' and leave it at that? ---
I'd probably say 'jefe' because it gives 'flavor' to the speaker, then put in an author's note as to pronunciation below. But you could also have him say 'senora'. Computers have a 'tilde' in them somewhere, the little squiggly worm thing over the 'n'.
Cheers,
Raz
Comment from Kaze
Great write! I'm a bit disappointed it was so short, but that's ok seeing there are more chapters to be read =) Keep up the great work and hope to read more!
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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Great write! I'm a bit disappointed it was so short, but that's ok seeing there are more chapters to be read =) Keep up the great work and hope to read more!
Comment Written 19-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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Hi Kaze,
I'm trying to keep everything between 1000 to 1200 words. It's so tiring to read more than that on the monitor, at least, it is for me. I'm so glad you're enjoying this story and hope to see you again soon,
Gayle
Comment from medisec
Great chapter! I'm anxious to find out more about where Tom Harris comes in here. You're buildiing the suspense. I love the animals. I think the accent of Juan is fine--I only wondered if you should separate 'like it' and 'break it', I think they were. I also have made note of some missing commas (LOL).
Polite(,) rather than
after it(,) and sure enough
so fast(,) Tom
Great job.
Rae
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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Great chapter! I'm anxious to find out more about where Tom Harris comes in here. You're buildiing the suspense. I love the animals. I think the accent of Juan is fine--I only wondered if you should separate 'like it' and 'break it', I think they were. I also have made note of some missing commas (LOL).
Polite(,) rather than
after it(,) and sure enough
so fast(,) Tom
Great job.
Rae
Comment Written 19-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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Hey Rae,
Just got done giving you a thumb! Grins.
Okay, the "it" thingy is something many of the Mexicans I've worked with do. They add 'it' to many words, likeit, takeit, walkit, actually, I find it very endearing somehow, don't know why for sure, but I do. I think I'm gonna get the jefe/heffe out of there and call her boss. Too confusing.
I like two out of three of those commas! Will use.
You're a peach and I'm smiling all over my face!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Jonez08
Hi my friend, excellent chapter. Juan's dialog was really entertaining. I don't know a lot of Spanish, but I had a phrase for you. "Mucho grande" that means very big. I noticed he said that in one of his sentences. Very well written and once again the animal lover in you shines.
Cassandra
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2008
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Hi my friend, excellent chapter. Juan's dialog was really entertaining. I don't know a lot of Spanish, but I had a phrase for you. "Mucho grande" that means very big. I noticed he said that in one of his sentences. Very well written and once again the animal lover in you shines.
Cassandra
Comment Written 18-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2008
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Hi Cassandra,
what a supportive and encouraging review. I so appreciate your eye and ear too. Thanks for the fine R&R!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Gayle, excellent chapter. It would not have seemed right if Candace had picked up on Sadie's reticence to return from a field mouse as being strange since she is a new owner. Sadie will not forget what she saw, however.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2008
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Gayle, excellent chapter. It would not have seemed right if Candace had picked up on Sadie's reticence to return from a field mouse as being strange since she is a new owner. Sadie will not forget what she saw, however.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2008
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Hey Jan,
Sadie's got her job down pretty good, now Candace just has to learn to read her better. Time will so that. Thanks so much for the great rating and your comments.
Hugs,
Gayle
