Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Tom Harris"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
23 total reviews
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
that certainly sounds secretive, Gayle , as I did read all the past chapters! It looks like the dogs are starring as well, interesting concept.who took the child? Its a secret?
Stephy
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2008
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that certainly sounds secretive, Gayle , as I did read all the past chapters! It looks like the dogs are starring as well, interesting concept.who took the child? Its a secret?
Stephy
Comment Written 01-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2008
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Hey Stephy!
You're working your way through in good time. I can't wait until you're all caught up. Thanks so much for your support. It's more appreciated than you know,
Hugs,
Gayle
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Awww, I would not mind a humble review for such a great entertainment!
Hugs
Stephy
Comment from Sissy
Yo Gayle,
That guy is creepy! I'm telling you. I wonder what his back story is?
Overall, really nice chapter. One thing to note - I'd felt like, originally, that Sara was a bit of a brat. I was surprised when she wanted to go the airport, and wanted to be tucked in. I got the impression she was sort of po-ed at her dad for being away all the time.
Just one thing:
She continued with the routine, (<--consider a colon here) heel, sit, and down on command. Stay, go and stop completed the repertoire of the young, and as yet inexperienced guard dog.
(Hmm...not sure, but should it be: 'heel', 'sit', 'down' on command. 'Stay', 'go' and 'stop'... ??)
Nice job, Gayle!
Take care,
Sissy
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2008
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Yo Gayle,
That guy is creepy! I'm telling you. I wonder what his back story is?
Overall, really nice chapter. One thing to note - I'd felt like, originally, that Sara was a bit of a brat. I was surprised when she wanted to go the airport, and wanted to be tucked in. I got the impression she was sort of po-ed at her dad for being away all the time.
Just one thing:
She continued with the routine, (<--consider a colon here) heel, sit, and down on command. Stay, go and stop completed the repertoire of the young, and as yet inexperienced guard dog.
(Hmm...not sure, but should it be: 'heel', 'sit', 'down' on command. 'Stay', 'go' and 'stop'... ??)
Nice job, Gayle!
Take care,
Sissy
Comment Written 23-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2008
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Tom is a mystery we won't know all about for several more chapters. Y'know, I like the colon better, too. Let me see how that looks.
Sissy, thanks so much for the wonderful comments.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
I missed this chapter altogether. I never got an automatic notification in my mailbox, and I'm glad I found it now. The same thing happened with one of Marjorie D's posts. I didn't know about it until she sent me a PM on her own.
This is an excellent chapter, without any nits that I could find. It leads up to the next chapter, where Sadie discovers Tom behind the fence. It also shows how creepy Tom is.
Dave M
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2008
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Gayle,
I missed this chapter altogether. I never got an automatic notification in my mailbox, and I'm glad I found it now. The same thing happened with one of Marjorie D's posts. I didn't know about it until she sent me a PM on her own.
This is an excellent chapter, without any nits that I could find. It leads up to the next chapter, where Sadie discovers Tom behind the fence. It also shows how creepy Tom is.
Dave M
Comment Written 22-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2008
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Hey Dave,
Sometimes that happens, I don't know, a hickkup in the site, I guess. This one was fun, always love doing the dogs pov and action.
Thanks so much, really appreciate your comments.
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
Very good, Keeps you wondering.
My flight leaves extra early so I'm going to LAX in the airport limo. Not a hundred present sure, but I thionk there should be a comma after 'early'
punkin? Didi you mean punkin as the nickname, or is it a typo?
hugs
book
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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Very good, Keeps you wondering.
My flight leaves extra early so I'm going to LAX in the airport limo. Not a hundred present sure, but I thionk there should be a comma after 'early'
punkin? Didi you mean punkin as the nickname, or is it a typo?
hugs
book
Comment Written 21-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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Hey Heidi,
You're right about that comma, and yes, punkin is a nickname. Under the best of circumstances, that's a hard "p" to deal with. In this case it's just punkin.
Thanks for the R&R and comments,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Lynn27
Hi Gayle,
This is another great chapter you have here. What can I say, your writing is amazing with a very nice flow.
Excellent Chapter!
Off to read the next one,
Lynn
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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Hi Gayle,
This is another great chapter you have here. What can I say, your writing is amazing with a very nice flow.
Excellent Chapter!
Off to read the next one,
Lynn
Comment Written 21-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2008
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Hi Lynn,
Well, you're reading like I like to, several chapters at once. I hate having to sit around and wait!
Thanks so much for your support,
Gayle
Comment from davidray
Mighty fine job, Gayle. YOu did a terrific job with the descriptions and the dialogue ran very smoothly. Nothing major to harp at here.
One tinsy nit:
-My flight leaves extra early so I'm going to LAX in the airport limo. (I don't think nobody actually would say 'LAX' as opposed to Los Angeles Airport, would they?)
-Are you about ready for bed, punkin? (this pulled on my heartstrings. I always call my youngest daughter pumpkin.)
You go girl!!
David
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2008
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Mighty fine job, Gayle. YOu did a terrific job with the descriptions and the dialogue ran very smoothly. Nothing major to harp at here.
One tinsy nit:
-My flight leaves extra early so I'm going to LAX in the airport limo. (I don't think nobody actually would say 'LAX' as opposed to Los Angeles Airport, would they?)
-Are you about ready for bed, punkin? (this pulled on my heartstrings. I always call my youngest daughter pumpkin.)
You go girl!!
David
Comment Written 18-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2008
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Hey David,
Always so good to see you again. Funny about LAX. It's the only one I've ever heard addressed like that. Ontario is Ontario, same with San Diego. But LAX is always just that. Maybe 'cause it's so famous? Don't know.
Ah, that 'punkin' thingy is so sweet, huh. I used to call my grandson that...at 23, he gets embarrassed, but there was a time...
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Sylvia Page
" The moon raced across the sky, skipping over the stars, bathed in a misty glow. " I love this line. Thats very poetic. Another good chapter. Good build up Gayle, keep it up.
Regards,
Sylvia
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2008
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" The moon raced across the sky, skipping over the stars, bathed in a misty glow. " I love this line. Thats very poetic. Another good chapter. Good build up Gayle, keep it up.
Regards,
Sylvia
Comment Written 18-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2008
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Hi Sylvia,
I love purple prose! Or almost purple. Thanks so much for the R&R and your wonderful words of support.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Allezw2
Lady Gayle,
Really generating lots of warm fuzzies aren't we.
With a critter like Tom on the loose, well I hope the fence has an intruder alrm built into the system. The generating stations are set with a perimeter proximity alarm. when anything approaches within eighteen inches, ti activates and alarm and CCTV zeroes in on the alarm point.
Fanaasist
For your consideration:
- [Candles] [wavered] in their holders
It is the flames that are moving, not, I believe, the candles.
[The candle flames flickered] in their holders
- sky, skipping [over][past] the stars, [bathed] [bathing everything] in a misty glow
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2008
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Lady Gayle,
Really generating lots of warm fuzzies aren't we.
With a critter like Tom on the loose, well I hope the fence has an intruder alrm built into the system. The generating stations are set with a perimeter proximity alarm. when anything approaches within eighteen inches, ti activates and alarm and CCTV zeroes in on the alarm point.
Fanaasist
For your consideration:
- [Candles] [wavered] in their holders
It is the flames that are moving, not, I believe, the candles.
[The candle flames flickered] in their holders
- sky, skipping [over][past] the stars, [bathed] [bathing everything] in a misty glow
Comment Written 17-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2008
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Am I up for the Bulwar Litton award this time? LOL! I love to use beautiful words, as do you, my friend. It's fun, isn't it.
You are right..candles wavered..that's a dangling participle or something, right? Where's Doris when I need her.
It is always so good, such fun to see a review from you. You probably already know I'm smiling all over my face.
Hugs,
Gayle
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I just didn't want the candles to fall out onto the floor. Especially so, as I was certain it was the flames that were being affected by some draft of air.
Comment from K Ames
Well, you are correct. This writing is of some pretty good quality. The problem that I have is that the "top" 200 or so writers also have a full five star rating. But I would pay money for a story this well written.
Your passive voice in narration is at a minimal, you don't use many vague words in description, and you don't seem to have token words that you overuse in your narration.
young, and as yet inexperienced guard dog - I'd suggest a comma after inexperienced
"The moon raced across the sky, skipping over the stars, bathed in a misty glow. Like a cloak, the night air drew them in, offering a mantle of warmth to guard against the stealthy chill that crept in from the sea." - this is some very good writing
In contrast
1) Arms entwined, THEY sipped THEIR wine in easy silence, leaning into each other. HE drew HER head to HIS shoulder and stroked HER hair.
2) HE pulled HER to HIM, shaking HIS head.
There are areas where you could improve by eliminating pronouns. Four in such a short sentence.... Pulling her in close, Rudy shook his head - Rudy pulled her in closer.
It was hard to find areas of suggestion in this, as I stated. But some of your simple sentences are a bit lax. They really stand out in a piece that is overall as well written as this is. I'd give this a 93 if I were grading it. A 94 would be an A (5 stars) and anything over a 100, like a bonus, would be an exceptional. And yes I am a teacher :-)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2008
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Well, you are correct. This writing is of some pretty good quality. The problem that I have is that the "top" 200 or so writers also have a full five star rating. But I would pay money for a story this well written.
Your passive voice in narration is at a minimal, you don't use many vague words in description, and you don't seem to have token words that you overuse in your narration.
young, and as yet inexperienced guard dog - I'd suggest a comma after inexperienced
"The moon raced across the sky, skipping over the stars, bathed in a misty glow. Like a cloak, the night air drew them in, offering a mantle of warmth to guard against the stealthy chill that crept in from the sea." - this is some very good writing
In contrast
1) Arms entwined, THEY sipped THEIR wine in easy silence, leaning into each other. HE drew HER head to HIS shoulder and stroked HER hair.
2) HE pulled HER to HIM, shaking HIS head.
There are areas where you could improve by eliminating pronouns. Four in such a short sentence.... Pulling her in close, Rudy shook his head - Rudy pulled her in closer.
It was hard to find areas of suggestion in this, as I stated. But some of your simple sentences are a bit lax. They really stand out in a piece that is overall as well written as this is. I'd give this a 93 if I were grading it. A 94 would be an A (5 stars) and anything over a 100, like a bonus, would be an exceptional. And yes I am a teacher :-)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2008
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OMG! XLK,
My friend, that is one of the finest reviews I've ever received.
Oh, shoot, just right on, what I want. Your comments "in contrast" are also right on. I need to hear this, to see this. I'm the writer and I have a blind eye!!!
I know the spag might be there, but the editor catches that. It's the feel, the insight into the story, the flow. That's what I covet.
Oh, here's a thumb! I can't thank you enough. Wonderful!
Well, short of continuing to babble incoherently, I'll shut up now. Oh please, don't get lost! Come back!
Hugs and grins,
Gayle .. and thanks
Comment from Domino
Hi, Gayle.
'a lush layer of sweat' - sounds revolting, is this term commonly used?
'LAX' - guess is short for 'relax' - why capitals?
They're my only nitpicks.
Another fast moving, yet wonderfully detailed, chapter. You describe everything in marvelous detail, very prof. writing! Different class to most I've viewed.
Nice time switch and twist back to suspense at the end .
Not too long and thoroughly enjoyable.
Best wishes, Ray xx
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2008
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Hi, Gayle.
'a lush layer of sweat' - sounds revolting, is this term commonly used?
'LAX' - guess is short for 'relax' - why capitals?
They're my only nitpicks.
Another fast moving, yet wonderfully detailed, chapter. You describe everything in marvelous detail, very prof. writing! Different class to most I've viewed.
Nice time switch and twist back to suspense at the end .
Not too long and thoroughly enjoyable.
Best wishes, Ray xx
Comment Written 16-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2008
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Hey Ray,
LOL, think about when you have a glass pitcher filled with ice and a liquid. You can draw a face on the outside?
LAX is the symbol of Los Angeles International Airport. I'm glad you liked this one. It's great fun for sure.
Thanks for the great review and your comments.
Hugs,
Gayle
