Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Sadie Pt. 2"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
18 total reviews
Comment from William Walz
The introduction of Tom into the story was very well done, telling just enough to make the reader eager for more, letting on to the man's obsession without giving away too much at this point.
One thing I didn't quite get...Is Sara actually speaking out loud or just thinking these things? I'm sure the single quotation marks take the place of italics. If so I think italics would have given her thoughts a little more importance and impact to the reader, and given a little more distinction from when she actually did speak. Just my opinion.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2008
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The introduction of Tom into the story was very well done, telling just enough to make the reader eager for more, letting on to the man's obsession without giving away too much at this point.
One thing I didn't quite get...Is Sara actually speaking out loud or just thinking these things? I'm sure the single quotation marks take the place of italics. If so I think italics would have given her thoughts a little more importance and impact to the reader, and given a little more distinction from when she actually did speak. Just my opinion.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2008
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Hey Bill, Yes, I use the apostrophe because the editor infests my stuff with ??'s but in the ms, I use italics for all interior thoughts.
Thanks so much for the great review, my friend,
Hugs
Gayle
Comment from Sissy
Hi Gayle,
Ooh, that guy is CREEPY! Nothing like a hyperventilating ol' stalker to spice up a story, Gayle. Sheesh! Good job intro-ing the bad guy. Yikes.
Just a few questions:
left his old blue panel (paneled?) van
It looked a lot like fun (Did you mean-->It looked like a lot of fun?)
the car door toward her mother. With a skeptical eye, she watched Sadie working with her mother. (her mother/her mother. Watch repetition.)
Even though she would grow fast, they needed a grown(-)up watch dog (watchdog - 1 word/dictionary.com) now.
Good stuff!
Take care,
Sissy
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reply by the author on 22-Jul-2008
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Hi Gayle,
Ooh, that guy is CREEPY! Nothing like a hyperventilating ol' stalker to spice up a story, Gayle. Sheesh! Good job intro-ing the bad guy. Yikes.
Just a few questions:
left his old blue panel (paneled?) van
It looked a lot like fun (Did you mean-->It looked like a lot of fun?)
the car door toward her mother. With a skeptical eye, she watched Sadie working with her mother. (her mother/her mother. Watch repetition.)
Even though she would grow fast, they needed a grown(-)up watch dog (watchdog - 1 word/dictionary.com) now.
Good stuff!
Take care,
Sissy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2008
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Hey Sis!
Thanks for the great comments and ideas. You're always the best.
Now, 'panel' truck is correct...I thought paneled, too, at first, but if you google it, they're different. A paneled truck is like a stake truck, like they'd bring a small load of hay on.
A panel truck has no windows except the windshield and driver/passenger windows. Very scary, considering.
Hey watchdog? Okay, I'll fix that, also grown-up.
You rock, girl!
Hugs,
Gayle
That way that sentence read, I may have to change that. What I tried to say was that, while it looked like fun, there was far more to this working with the dog than fun. windows.
Comment from Sylvia Page
That was good Gayle. Nothing to correct this time. Tom Harris and Candace seem to have a relationship; like brother and sister maybe? Rather intriguing and speculative. Nicely built into the story to keep the reader going.
Going over to read the chapters I missed while I was away.
Regards,
Sylvia
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2008
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That was good Gayle. Nothing to correct this time. Tom Harris and Candace seem to have a relationship; like brother and sister maybe? Rather intriguing and speculative. Nicely built into the story to keep the reader going.
Going over to read the chapters I missed while I was away.
Regards,
Sylvia
Comment Written 17-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2008
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Oh Sylvia, how I love it when the readers begin to speculate. You're wondering siblings...another fan thinks father of Sara. I LOVE this site, the wonderful ideas our brothers and sisters furnish. ::does Fanstory happy dance::
Keep doing that, okay? These ideas come in handy at the most unusual times.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
I didn't see any nit spags or evil eddie. I really like this so far. Did you used to or still do train dogs. You have a large knowledge of both horses and dobbies.
hugs
book
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2008
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I didn't see any nit spags or evil eddie. I really like this so far. Did you used to or still do train dogs. You have a large knowledge of both horses and dobbies.
hugs
book
Comment Written 17-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2008
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Hey Heidi,
Over the years I've owned several Dobie's and IMHO you can't beat them for just about any role except dealing with little kids, toddlers. Once a kid reaches 8-10 they understand the dog and respect it and life is great.
You just can't teach a teething baby that doggie tails and ears may be just the right shape, but in the end, not a good idea to bite. Dobie's do not like to be crowded. They want to lay on you, they do not want you to lay on them...ever.
Hmmm, that's not the best word, crowded...cornered, there you go.
Do not let them lay on you as that means they're asserting dominance. They're very dominant dogs anyway, and they need at least one Alpha leader, man or woman, to take over; if anyone is laying on anyone else, you're on top. Always.
After that you have the best dog in the world. Very active, needs exercise. This is a trail riding dog if ever there was one and forget anything like a coyote or bobcat bothering you. These dogs definitely kick butt.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Oh, the sagacity of our children. Yet, they often don't tell us the things we need to hear the most in their efforts to protect us from ourselves. Tom Harris must be Sara's biological father. Just the kind of jerk she needs in her life, I can tell. Good job.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2008
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Oh, the sagacity of our children. Yet, they often don't tell us the things we need to hear the most in their efforts to protect us from ourselves. Tom Harris must be Sara's biological father. Just the kind of jerk she needs in her life, I can tell. Good job.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2008
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Hey Jan,
Kids feel invincible and, worse still, they act on it. Well, the characters are all sorting themselves out and beginning to take the reins. Does it happen that way to you? I never know our turns and twists, just the general direction.
Hugs and thanks,
Gayle
Comment from medisec
This is a very interesting chapter. I'm intriqued by the dog and its new master. You build the suspense well, and of course this makes the reader want to read more. You have a great writing ability and it's refreshing to see relatively no Spag (except for some commas I believe are needed):
estate(,) but
again(,) then
gate(,) he tried
her(;) I won't stand for it.
force(,) he wondered
Rae
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2008
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This is a very interesting chapter. I'm intriqued by the dog and its new master. You build the suspense well, and of course this makes the reader want to read more. You have a great writing ability and it's refreshing to see relatively no Spag (except for some commas I believe are needed):
estate(,) but
again(,) then
gate(,) he tried
her(;) I won't stand for it.
force(,) he wondered
Rae
Comment Written 15-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2008
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Hi Rae,
I battle with those little buggers on a regular basis. Let me check'em out. I so appreciate your time and the comments are so encouraging.
Thank you so much,
Gayle
Comment from Lynn27
Hi Gayle,
This is another great chapter that you have penned here. You have wonderful details that hook me in right away, nice job.
Couple of suggestions,
(He felt) the rivulets of sweat pour down his ribs as his stomach churned acid into his throat.
*** delete he felt, those are telling words.
(It was because of the man they saw at Lawson's. Her mom got scared, especially after they saw him in the library a couple of days later. The whole deal really freaked her out; Sara didn't dare mention seeing him yesterday at the mall.)
This whole scene is nothing but telling the reader and slow down the flow just a little.
Try showing internal struggle of Sara and knowing that her mother is worried and upset. Do I tell or don't.
Great job,
Lynn
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2008
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Hi Gayle,
This is another great chapter that you have penned here. You have wonderful details that hook me in right away, nice job.
Couple of suggestions,
(He felt) the rivulets of sweat pour down his ribs as his stomach churned acid into his throat.
*** delete he felt, those are telling words.
(It was because of the man they saw at Lawson's. Her mom got scared, especially after they saw him in the library a couple of days later. The whole deal really freaked her out; Sara didn't dare mention seeing him yesterday at the mall.)
This whole scene is nothing but telling the reader and slow down the flow just a little.
Try showing internal struggle of Sara and knowing that her mother is worried and upset. Do I tell or don't.
Great job,
Lynn
Comment Written 14-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2008
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Oh Lynn,
Great ideas! Yes, exactly what I'm looking for. Here's a thumb! I'll get right on that and again, thank you!
Hugs,
Gayle
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Hi Gayle,
Thank you, I try to point areas just need a tab bit more. Then let the author choose the next step.
You have a way with details, the words are the colors and your thoughts are the paint brush for the reader. These two combine the image is a master piece.
Lynn
Comment from Korton
This is another interesting chapter as the stalker is introduced. I have a sense, though that he doesn't really have sinsister motives in mind. Could it be that Sara is adopted and Tom her biological father is trying to make contace? I'll stay tuned for more. Very well done.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2008
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This is another interesting chapter as the stalker is introduced. I have a sense, though that he doesn't really have sinsister motives in mind. Could it be that Sara is adopted and Tom her biological father is trying to make contace? I'll stay tuned for more. Very well done.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2008
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Hey Frank,
Well, you usually read my mind on where I'm going, but not this time. Still, we're going to have quite a twist. Keep giving me ideas...I've used more than one in the past!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Johnny Carwash
More superb writing from this site's #1 up and coming horror author. I'm hooked on this book, even more so than your previous book. Excellent stuff, Gayle.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2008
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More superb writing from this site's #1 up and coming horror author. I'm hooked on this book, even more so than your previous book. Excellent stuff, Gayle.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2008
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Oh, Johnny, I'm just smiling all over my face. What a wonderful thing to say. Hope I can live up to such high expectations
Comment from Domino
Hi, Gayle.
I've become so used to your detailed animal desariptions, I was thinking Tom Harris was a doby, with his sharp eyes and alert ears, LOL
'dense foliage' in para 1 repeated in para 3
Nice switch back to the mansion to introduce the stalker, and quick and smooth change back to the dog training.
A 'treadmill' for horses and dogs, that's a great idea for a lazy dog owner - new one on me!
Not sure about the last sentense, seems a little cumbersome. Maybe;
Ever the pragmatist, she turned back over[comma] and[delete 'and'] looked at Sadie then[delete 'then'] and shook her head.
In fact the ending through me at first. I got confused with the ant and thought something was over Sarah. Had to read it a coupla times before the penny dropped. Then again, I'm a bit thick, LOL.
Another good chapter, Gayle, though I'd suggest a little thought on that sentense. I may be wrong! Nice idea, though, to finish the chapter. Also, just the right length (for me, anyway)
Ray xx
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2008
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Hi, Gayle.
I've become so used to your detailed animal desariptions, I was thinking Tom Harris was a doby, with his sharp eyes and alert ears, LOL
'dense foliage' in para 1 repeated in para 3
Nice switch back to the mansion to introduce the stalker, and quick and smooth change back to the dog training.
A 'treadmill' for horses and dogs, that's a great idea for a lazy dog owner - new one on me!
Not sure about the last sentense, seems a little cumbersome. Maybe;
Ever the pragmatist, she turned back over[comma] and[delete 'and'] looked at Sadie then[delete 'then'] and shook her head.
In fact the ending through me at first. I got confused with the ant and thought something was over Sarah. Had to read it a coupla times before the penny dropped. Then again, I'm a bit thick, LOL.
Another good chapter, Gayle, though I'd suggest a little thought on that sentense. I may be wrong! Nice idea, though, to finish the chapter. Also, just the right length (for me, anyway)
Ray xx
Comment Written 14-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2008
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Hey Ray,
Y'know, that sentence didn't satisfy me, either. In fact, that whole ending just kinda didn't do what it should have. I'm trying to show a very precocious kid, who's a lot more on top of things than the adults in her world realize.
Thanks again, my friend. This is just the kind of thingy I'm looking for. You need...all authors need a familiar eye, one that knows the story and who can say...'wait a minute here, we need to clarify, or whatever.
I so value your help, my friend, here, have a thumb! They're tasty! LOL
Hugs,
Gayle
