The seven twenty-four to Cannon St.
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Drunken journeys in hell"Tales of commuting by train
6 total reviews
Comment from Lady & Louis
Blah! Ghastly office boy wasn't just dead drunk! That was a very dark little twist to the end of an OH so familiar story. You've caught that horrible horrible ride home so well, snod. It's just like that on our overcrowded trains, too, though we don't have the tables in the carriages (I remember those from when I was last in the UK - rather nice if you're not travelling at peak hour). The crowding, the smell, the rudeness, and those godforsaken ipods, which I'd love to ram down the earholes of the morons who play them - yep, it's all very familiar, and all too well portrayed. (I live 60km from Melbourne and if I didn't backtrack by tram into the city to catch the train there - which adds thirty minutes to the trip - I'd be standing for most of the seventy-minute trip home.)
Loved the whole frazzled waspishness of this; Sally's frustration was very well shown - I've felt like that many a time. I laughed aloud at having to wash/disinfect/burn her coat. Blerk!
Only one query for wording here:
Their faces were a picture of studied disinterest, - disinterest (ie impartiality) or uninterest, as in couldn't care less?
Cheers,
Louise
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2008
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Blah! Ghastly office boy wasn't just dead drunk! That was a very dark little twist to the end of an OH so familiar story. You've caught that horrible horrible ride home so well, snod. It's just like that on our overcrowded trains, too, though we don't have the tables in the carriages (I remember those from when I was last in the UK - rather nice if you're not travelling at peak hour). The crowding, the smell, the rudeness, and those godforsaken ipods, which I'd love to ram down the earholes of the morons who play them - yep, it's all very familiar, and all too well portrayed. (I live 60km from Melbourne and if I didn't backtrack by tram into the city to catch the train there - which adds thirty minutes to the trip - I'd be standing for most of the seventy-minute trip home.)
Loved the whole frazzled waspishness of this; Sally's frustration was very well shown - I've felt like that many a time. I laughed aloud at having to wash/disinfect/burn her coat. Blerk!
Only one query for wording here:
Their faces were a picture of studied disinterest, - disinterest (ie impartiality) or uninterest, as in couldn't care less?
Cheers,
Louise
Comment Written 12-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2008
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Oh, now you're making me think about the words I throw at the page. Bad girl! I think disinterest. I think, secretly, most of people-watch, but we hide it under a veneer on the train. We're not uninterested in our fellow sufferer, we just don't want to be seen as such. I think. Maybe.
The tables are handy at rush hour if you type up stories on your laptop, too, Glad you could identify with it.
Thanks
Comment from Celtic~Soul
Hey, snodlander! This is incredible! The subtle statements, the well-constructed analogies and the truths about the mundane activites we accept in our lives because 'we have to.' This line (and several others) are priceless creations:
compressed into so much luncheon meat to be transported. As well as the thoughts Sally has about bathing, washing her coat then burning it, etc. - I've had similar thoughts in similar situations - when locked into a tight space with the seemingly 'unwashed.'
The subtle grace of this piece comes in (and earns the sixer) at the ending moment when she realizes the man is dead. It throws all her assumptions, irritations and complaints into the trash bin with the realization that things aren't as they seem and, here, in the midst of her perceived hell, something much worse has taken place. A death has happened in the midst of a trainload of people. Quite a social statement you've made whether intending to or not! An all-too-possible horror for any commuter (as either Sally or the 'drunk'). Exceptionally well done, snodlander!
Dawn
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2008
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Hey, snodlander! This is incredible! The subtle statements, the well-constructed analogies and the truths about the mundane activites we accept in our lives because 'we have to.' This line (and several others) are priceless creations:
compressed into so much luncheon meat to be transported. As well as the thoughts Sally has about bathing, washing her coat then burning it, etc. - I've had similar thoughts in similar situations - when locked into a tight space with the seemingly 'unwashed.'
The subtle grace of this piece comes in (and earns the sixer) at the ending moment when she realizes the man is dead. It throws all her assumptions, irritations and complaints into the trash bin with the realization that things aren't as they seem and, here, in the midst of her perceived hell, something much worse has taken place. A death has happened in the midst of a trainload of people. Quite a social statement you've made whether intending to or not! An all-too-possible horror for any commuter (as either Sally or the 'drunk'). Exceptionally well done, snodlander!
Dawn
Comment Written 12-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2008
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I'm glad you picked that line, as I originally was going to put 'so much Spam,' but that has different connotaions in this e-society.
I'm flattered by your praise. Your comments too, which remind me of another commuter deathly phenomenon that happens too often on London's public transport. Watch this space, I'll write about it in the next couple of days.
Thank you for your review, for your six and for your fandomicity (it's a word!). I am honoured.
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You're most welcome, snodlander. In my thinking, this type of fiction is among the hardest to write. Expanding on a daily activity that many take from granted, internalizing it, turning it over and forcing the reader to see the worms that live under the rock. The fact that you were able to do all that, give the reader a shocking surprise and make them think about his/her own assumptions and life (in such a short space) is what earned you the six. Not everyone can pull off this type of prose (me included). Keep it up, I'd buy your book! Dawn
Comment from blimeylimey
Another very good tale with a lovely twist at the close. Loved it!
I do think you are becoming part of that train on your commute. The tempo of your piece is a slower clickity-clack
pace at the start and gradually picks up the writing rhythm
as you move away from the city and out into the countryside.
If this was part of your deliberate plan, it was clever. If it was
purely incidental, it was serendipitous!
No "oops" .
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2008
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Another very good tale with a lovely twist at the close. Loved it!
I do think you are becoming part of that train on your commute. The tempo of your piece is a slower clickity-clack
pace at the start and gradually picks up the writing rhythm
as you move away from the city and out into the countryside.
If this was part of your deliberate plan, it was clever. If it was
purely incidental, it was serendipitous!
No "oops" .
Comment Written 12-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2008
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Just call me Sarah Dipitous. I wasn't aware of the rhythm, but I will claim it as my own.
Thanks for your review. Glad you liked it
Comment from Badjuju
Good job. The story flowed nicely, keeping my interest throughtout. Loved the POETS day, I'll keep that one in mind. Great piece of work.
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2008
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Good job. The story flowed nicely, keeping my interest throughtout. Loved the POETS day, I'll keep that one in mind. Great piece of work.
Comment Written 12-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2008
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Haha, if only I could lay claim to that, but poets day is a common expression over here.
Glad you liked it
Comment from Stacia Ann
I like the setting of scene early, the crowded train. I like how we come to know Sally quickly--feminist in sensibility, apparently, but also not minding if men offer their seats. Her life seems rather stale, if small comforts like a seat on the bus is an occasion for joy. We get a glimpse into her neuroses and general uptightness through the details of planning to burn the coat the drunk touched.
Interesting ending. I feel that perhaps it's a little unresolved--the office boy is dead, not drunk, I take it, from the white face? It seems like this is the beginning of a story, not the end--the reader wants to know how and why he died.
A nit: the attribution "she thought," as in "He must think he's something special in the city, she thought," is not necessary in most places--we're already in Sally's POV.
Thanks for sharing this. I'd like to see more.
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2008
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I like the setting of scene early, the crowded train. I like how we come to know Sally quickly--feminist in sensibility, apparently, but also not minding if men offer their seats. Her life seems rather stale, if small comforts like a seat on the bus is an occasion for joy. We get a glimpse into her neuroses and general uptightness through the details of planning to burn the coat the drunk touched.
Interesting ending. I feel that perhaps it's a little unresolved--the office boy is dead, not drunk, I take it, from the white face? It seems like this is the beginning of a story, not the end--the reader wants to know how and why he died.
A nit: the attribution "she thought," as in "He must think he's something special in the city, she thought," is not necessary in most places--we're already in Sally's POV.
Thanks for sharing this. I'd like to see more.
Comment Written 12-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2008
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Trust me, the irritations of commuting make each small victory a tremendous joy.
Thanks for your comments. I'm thinking of collecting these all into a The Hell Of Commuting anthology, though it may be limited in appeal to the couple of hundred that share my train each morning. Thank you for the encouragement
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my pleasure--I think actually there's a universality in the hell of commuting, although the details may differ culture to culture...in mine it's the teeth grinding experience of being tailgated by SUVs (sports utility vans, tank-like vehicles indigenuous to the U.S.)
Have a good weekend--Stacia
Comment from learning_to_write
This bought back memories of traveling on the London underground to work, squashed like sardines in a tin, no-one talking and definatly no eye contact!
I think you described it perfectly and I loved the ending, I never expected that outcome.
I didn't notice any errors but I'm no expert, just one sentance stood out a little strange: She would have to wash her coat as soon as she got home. Then disinfect it. Then burn it.
I doubt she'd bother to wash it before burning it.
But i thought this was a great story, really enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2008
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This bought back memories of traveling on the London underground to work, squashed like sardines in a tin, no-one talking and definatly no eye contact!
I think you described it perfectly and I loved the ending, I never expected that outcome.
I didn't notice any errors but I'm no expert, just one sentance stood out a little strange: She would have to wash her coat as soon as she got home. Then disinfect it. Then burn it.
I doubt she'd bother to wash it before burning it.
But i thought this was a great story, really enjoyed it.
Comment Written 12-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2008
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I was trying to relay the progression of her thoughts. the first being to wash it, but thinking that would not be enough. Then to disinfect it, etc. Oh, well, I can't hit the bullseye every time. Glad you enjoyed the rest of the story.
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Right, Understand that part now.
