The Listener
Viewing comments for Prologue "The Audit"Telepathy makes business trust easy. Or should.
5 total reviews
Comment from badaner
A great prologue, a real page turner that has the reader gripped from the start. I can't wait to read more.
A few niggles:
Lee sat on the couch in answer, rested the notepad on his knees and thumbed the lock.
I was confused here--about ownership of the notepad. His notepad works better.
licensed Listener - Licensed Listener.
(That'll be wonderful, but let Peter make it, please. It's the least he can do for being so ill-mannered, while we have a girly chat.")
Girly chat? It made me squirm a bit,espewcially as Bab's next statement was ("So you've been licensed for eighteen months?") Nothing 'girly about that.
(Men! They're only good for opening jars.) I found both statements difficult to swallow--Babs came across as being very patronising, and I felt she undermined Lee's position as her colleague.
(He nodded. "Fair enough. But anytime you feel uncomfortable about it, let us know. They have far more to lose than you."
"Talking of uncomfortable creeps, have you seen this guy?" asked Babs, passing over her notebook. There was a photo of a man in his twenties on the screen.) I couldn't find any previous mention of uncomfortable creeps. How about: "Talking about feeling uncomfortable, have you seen this creep?"
Yes, they taught me that on the managing people course."
'Managing People'
One last thing: wouldn't the introductions have been made when they first entered?
I hope you found this useful, and once again, thanks for a great read.
badaner
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2009
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A great prologue, a real page turner that has the reader gripped from the start. I can't wait to read more.
A few niggles:
Lee sat on the couch in answer, rested the notepad on his knees and thumbed the lock.
I was confused here--about ownership of the notepad. His notepad works better.
licensed Listener - Licensed Listener.
(That'll be wonderful, but let Peter make it, please. It's the least he can do for being so ill-mannered, while we have a girly chat.")
Girly chat? It made me squirm a bit,espewcially as Bab's next statement was ("So you've been licensed for eighteen months?") Nothing 'girly about that.
(Men! They're only good for opening jars.) I found both statements difficult to swallow--Babs came across as being very patronising, and I felt she undermined Lee's position as her colleague.
(He nodded. "Fair enough. But anytime you feel uncomfortable about it, let us know. They have far more to lose than you."
"Talking of uncomfortable creeps, have you seen this guy?" asked Babs, passing over her notebook. There was a photo of a man in his twenties on the screen.) I couldn't find any previous mention of uncomfortable creeps. How about: "Talking about feeling uncomfortable, have you seen this creep?"
Yes, they taught me that on the managing people course."
'Managing People'
One last thing: wouldn't the introductions have been made when they first entered?
I hope you found this useful, and once again, thanks for a great read.
badaner
Comment Written 03-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2009
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Thanks for the detailed review, much better to receive than the two liners. I made Babs deliberatley patronising, as she's putting on an act, as hinted at the end. Later on she may reveal her true colours.
I shall revisit the prologue later with these comments in mind. Than ks
Comment from azbukivedi
1984 all over again?
This story loses from being too short, IMHO. You need to set some background - the society, the characters, the "alternative giftness". Other than that, it's great.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2008
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1984 all over again?
This story loses from being too short, IMHO. You need to set some background - the society, the characters, the "alternative giftness". Other than that, it's great.
Comment Written 29-Feb-2008
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2008
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Yes, it's just a teaser for a germ of a book knocking about in my head. Better too short that too long, I guess.
Thanks for your review
Comment from GentleCloud
Whew, Snodlander, this scene is quite unsettling. Is it part of a novel or is it standalone. It sure has a good hook at the end. The pace and flow worked well. Good mix of dialogue and narrative. I have nothing to pick!! A good read.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2008
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Whew, Snodlander, this scene is quite unsettling. Is it part of a novel or is it standalone. It sure has a good hook at the end. The pace and flow worked well. Good mix of dialogue and narrative. I have nothing to pick!! A good read.
Comment Written 29-Feb-2008
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2008
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It's sort of a scene from a half-thought out novel I might one day have a go at, if that's assertive enough for you.
Thanks for your review. Glad you enjoyed it, and I'm sorry it unsettled you.
Comment from Annmuma
OOO!! So weird and so 'can't stop reading'! Love the story. I was completely lost in it within a couple of sentences. Excellent job. The intrigue is marvelous. ann
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2008
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OOO!! So weird and so 'can't stop reading'! Love the story. I was completely lost in it within a couple of sentences. Excellent job. The intrigue is marvelous. ann
Comment Written 29-Feb-2008
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2008
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I'm embarrassed by your enthusiasm. Thank you
Comment from Penpal
This is a very interesting read. I have always been intrigued by the thought of mind reading. The story held my interest and I liked the twist in the ending. It is written clearly and I noticed no spag. I'd like to read more of it, however. I was disappointed when it ended.
Sallysaucer
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2008
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This is a very interesting read. I have always been intrigued by the thought of mind reading. The story held my interest and I liked the twist in the ending. It is written clearly and I noticed no spag. I'd like to read more of it, however. I was disappointed when it ended.
Sallysaucer
Comment Written 29-Feb-2008
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2008
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I was disappointed when it ended. - what more can an author want. I have a sort of idea of a loose book, of which this might be chapter three or four, I guess, but I have three unfinished ones languishing, and I've still to make a start on my kung-fu space-monkeys novel.
Thanks for your review, I'm glad it held your interest.
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It didn't surprise me to find out it was you who wrote this well written piece. Kung-fu space monkeys,huh? heheheh. Leave it to you to dream up something like that.
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