Dark Shadows
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Do You Believe?"A collection of short stories and flash fiction
32 total reviews
Comment from TwoJs
With a flick of his wrist, he flung the curtains aside and stared into the inky depths of the night. The ravine lay below, quiet and tranquil as the river flowed sluggishly to its end. The trees stood silently, darkened and obscured shadows in the glow of the moons pale light. Stars twinkled brightly in the night sky, watchers forever doomed to peer at the madness of mankind. A bats shrill cry rang out as it hunted its prey, but nothing else moved. Nothing peered in through the windows but the light of the moon and stars. Nothing stood below but the ever changing river and the steep banks of the ravine.
You kept my attention and I don't read things that scare me LOL. I admire your very perfect way of making me know I am there. Your visual and descriptions of scenes is awesome. Very very good. Thank You for leading me to your work I will continue.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2007
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With a flick of his wrist, he flung the curtains aside and stared into the inky depths of the night. The ravine lay below, quiet and tranquil as the river flowed sluggishly to its end. The trees stood silently, darkened and obscured shadows in the glow of the moons pale light. Stars twinkled brightly in the night sky, watchers forever doomed to peer at the madness of mankind. A bats shrill cry rang out as it hunted its prey, but nothing else moved. Nothing peered in through the windows but the light of the moon and stars. Nothing stood below but the ever changing river and the steep banks of the ravine.
You kept my attention and I don't read things that scare me LOL. I admire your very perfect way of making me know I am there. Your visual and descriptions of scenes is awesome. Very very good. Thank You for leading me to your work I will continue.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2007
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why, thank you for your great comments! Its nice to know I was able to plunk you down into the story :-)
Comment from DawningOne
That was a great story! I can't remember which part
held me more captive. You set up your characters
to be interesting and captivating.
I found no mistakes or SPAG issues.God bless you my friend,
Much love,
Dawn
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2007
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That was a great story! I can't remember which part
held me more captive. You set up your characters
to be interesting and captivating.
I found no mistakes or SPAG issues.God bless you my friend,
Much love,
Dawn
Comment Written 19-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2007
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Thank you so much! I am glad I was able to glue you to the story :-) always makes me feel as if I have done my job properly lol
Thanks for stopping in to review my work
Comment from drivenbackward
Good story, Ric. Consider cutting some words. The fewer words, the more power. That said, I did enjoy the content. There could be more grammatical notes, but they would be repeats of the same errors. Check story for these instances:
and?.? --- Ellipsis is only three dots
and cold,? he shivered --- Period. Not a speech tag.
them off,? he stared --- "
But now, what --- Odd comma placement
pausing he took another drink of scotch, --- Pausing, he took
More fool, I --- ?
tired shrug, ?Some dreams --- 'some' --- Follows a comma.
Most importantly, make sure you have speech tags and actions following dialogue down pat. Took me a while when I first got here, but one particular reviewer slammed me until I got it right. I appreciate that very much now.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2007
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Good story, Ric. Consider cutting some words. The fewer words, the more power. That said, I did enjoy the content. There could be more grammatical notes, but they would be repeats of the same errors. Check story for these instances:
and?.? --- Ellipsis is only three dots
and cold,? he shivered --- Period. Not a speech tag.
them off,? he stared --- "
But now, what --- Odd comma placement
pausing he took another drink of scotch, --- Pausing, he took
More fool, I --- ?
tired shrug, ?Some dreams --- 'some' --- Follows a comma.
Most importantly, make sure you have speech tags and actions following dialogue down pat. Took me a while when I first got here, but one particular reviewer slammed me until I got it right. I appreciate that very much now.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2007
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Hey, it's always nice to have you drop in and comment on my work. I fixed everything you pointed out except for this:
But now, what --- Odd comma placement
I have no earthly idea where this is. Anywho... if you wouldn't mind, please give it another read when you get the chance and let me know where this spot is so I can fix it. Thanks :-)
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I FOUND it!!! okay.. all fixed :-)
Comment from marion
Hi Ricouard
Great easy to read writing, good story, good tone! Good overall structure, clear and effective. Good development of characters and although a longer short story on FS, it flowed so smoothly, and seemed effortlessly to travel at a good speed.
One comment - I did not like so much, the continuous use of - 'the old man'. It appears so often and in nearly every paragraph. I was beside myself when I read, 'old-timer', just to break away from word 'the old man'! Never-the-less, great vampire story, great ending. I enjoyed.
Marion.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2007
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Hi Ricouard
Great easy to read writing, good story, good tone! Good overall structure, clear and effective. Good development of characters and although a longer short story on FS, it flowed so smoothly, and seemed effortlessly to travel at a good speed.
One comment - I did not like so much, the continuous use of - 'the old man'. It appears so often and in nearly every paragraph. I was beside myself when I read, 'old-timer', just to break away from word 'the old man'! Never-the-less, great vampire story, great ending. I enjoyed.
Marion.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2007
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I know... :-/ I didn't know what else to call him since there were never any names in this piece, just two strangers...
I'm glad you enjoyed it regardless of the old mans :-)
Comment from Pit Bull Mom
Ohhhh! I love vampire tales but seldom see them on FS! Well played chapter you have here. I didn't see a single nit to point out. The dialogue flowed naturally and true to the characters you build up so nicely. All in all, a very enjoyable read!
Keep it up!
Heather
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2007
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Ohhhh! I love vampire tales but seldom see them on FS! Well played chapter you have here. I didn't see a single nit to point out. The dialogue flowed naturally and true to the characters you build up so nicely. All in all, a very enjoyable read!
Keep it up!
Heather
Comment Written 19-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2007
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Yea, I have yet to run across a vampire story on here so I thought, what the hay... I'd give it a go :-D I'm glad you enjoyed it and I thank you for taking the time to read and review.
Comment from 1archangel
Very nicely written post...I liked the way you used the dialogue to move the story
along and I found the write clear, and very interesting...thanks for sharing...appreciate the read
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2007
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Very nicely written post...I liked the way you used the dialogue to move the story
along and I found the write clear, and very interesting...thanks for sharing...appreciate the read
Comment Written 19-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2007
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I am glad that you enjoyed it and I thank you very much for taking the time to read and comment :-)
Comment from wirenut
Ricouard.
You went the long way around to fix the glass of scotch, I'd have just not drained in the first paragraph, linear thinking I guess ;-)
A masterful tale, slighlty predictable toward the end, but your skill can never be questioned, Stanford paid off. Your mastery in creating a vivid scene is unparalleled. Can I borrow it?
Great tale, masterfuly told. I love the way you string 3700 words so that the reader doesn't notice he's read that much. Pure mastery.
Rick
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2007
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Ricouard.
You went the long way around to fix the glass of scotch, I'd have just not drained in the first paragraph, linear thinking I guess ;-)
A masterful tale, slighlty predictable toward the end, but your skill can never be questioned, Stanford paid off. Your mastery in creating a vivid scene is unparalleled. Can I borrow it?
Great tale, masterfuly told. I love the way you string 3700 words so that the reader doesn't notice he's read that much. Pure mastery.
Rick
Comment Written 19-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2007
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Obie kabie kemosobie... I have gone in and fixed everything you pointed out and would be greatful if you would give it another browse :-)
Thank you for your compliments! I sure hope it paid off... it took me long enough to pay it off...lol
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R
be more than glad to do that kiddo, and at your age I figured you're still makin payments on it
see ya
R
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LOL... It was the long way cause, pound my brain as I could, I wasn't able to think of not emptying the glass. *shrug* So the crazy old man simply looks like a lush :-D
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blood and scotch yuck ;-(
Comment from Mylhibug
That was really very good. I haven't read a vampire story here in a while so I guess I'm not jaded by them either. You kept my interest throughout with excellent pacing and whatever the word I meant to use next! :-) Anyway, this is quite the story and I appreciate you sharing it. Well done.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2007
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That was really very good. I haven't read a vampire story here in a while so I guess I'm not jaded by them either. You kept my interest throughout with excellent pacing and whatever the word I meant to use next! :-) Anyway, this is quite the story and I appreciate you sharing it. Well done.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2007
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I am glad that you enjoyed it and found it compelling enough to hold your interest through the story :-D
Comment from OneGirl
This was a good story. I did not see any corrections that needed to be made. The twist was nice and it kept my attention the whole time. You did a good job!
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2007
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This was a good story. I did not see any corrections that needed to be made. The twist was nice and it kept my attention the whole time. You did a good job!
Comment Written 19-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2007
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Yeah, I liked the idea of the twist when I was trying to ponder it all out. I'm still not sure I got it quiet where I wanted it, but it'll do :-)
Comment from amada
A very interesting and entertaining story.
There are good descriptions, it made easier to follow the long story.
The dialog between different characters sometimes was dull.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2007
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A very interesting and entertaining story.
There are good descriptions, it made easier to follow the long story.
The dialog between different characters sometimes was dull.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2007
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review my story. Could you tell me please, what you found dull about the dialogue between characters? I don't see it myself, but if you will tell me then I can fix it. Thanks again
