Dark Shadows
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Do You Believe?"A collection of short stories and flash fiction
32 total reviews
Comment from Paul_k
This is a very interesting and well-written story. It is clear that you are a very talented, and promising writer. Much of what you have written here is fantastic and I have noted some of those areas as well as made some comments that you might want to consider below:
...had woke him in the...(I think this should be either 'had awoken him' or simply 'woke him' leaving out the word 'had'.)
In the first paragraph, apparently, there are two old men involved. By not naming either, and continuing to write ?old man?, it became confusing to me. You used the term 4 times in this paragraph varying only once to simply say ?man?. You never do name them - I think you should
Wild eyed, his hair standing on edge as if a student hair dresser had teased...(Consider placing a comma after the word ?edge?.)
?I never would have believed if I hadn?t...(Consider placing the word 'it' after the word 'believed'.)
..he stared at the dark haired man as if willing him to believe, ?things like that just aren?t real.(I believe these should be two separate sentences.)
?Foolish pride, the down fall of all men. (Here, I think a semi-colon would be better than a comma and 'down fall' shuld be 'downfall'.)
?It towered above me like some gruesome harlot, revolting yet inviting...(wonderful)
...to emphasize his words, ?Gone like a cloud of smoke. ('Gone' should not be capitalized.)
I was lost, under her spell, but even so my mind...(I think you should put a comma after the word 'so'.)
My eyes closed to a thin slit, heart pounding away in unwanted anticipation, as she leaned closer to kiss my neck??(Consider removing the comma after 'anticipation'.)
Go and check,? he finished with a small smile.('Small smile' reads very awkwardly. You use it in the next paragraph as well. Consider revising.)
Instead, he gestured towards the window and nodded his head, his stiff, gray hair bobbing.(Here you say his hair is stiff, but earlier you said it waved in the air.)
This would make one hell of a story if it was real.? (Change the word 'was' to 'were' or 'is'.)
Stars twinkled brightly in the night sky, watchers forever doomed to peer at the madness of mankind.(Wonderful)
?You did not look close enough,? the old man whispered in his ear, his lips brushing close like a lovers, ?wipe the fog from the glass. Oh, wait,? he laughed darkly, ?Silly old man that I am, I forgot. (First, lovers should be 'lover's'. Then put a period after 'lover's' and capitalize 'wipe' to make it two sentences instead of one. Also, 'Silly' should not be capitalized unless you make it the beginning of a separate sentence.)
Good am I not? (Place a comma after the word 'Good'.)
It is time to bid you adieu but before I go, I have one question.? (I believe there should be a comma after the word 'adieu'.)
Like I said before, this is an extremely well written piece, despite those things I listed above. Much of it may be only opinion, and you know what opinions are like. But, this is a very intriguing piece of writing, and even though it is a play on an old theme (as is my own vampire story, ?This Dreadful Deed?) it is never outdated as long as stories like yours continue to be written in such a grand way. Thank you for you help in keeping the old classics alive. Well done.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2007
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This is a very interesting and well-written story. It is clear that you are a very talented, and promising writer. Much of what you have written here is fantastic and I have noted some of those areas as well as made some comments that you might want to consider below:
...had woke him in the...(I think this should be either 'had awoken him' or simply 'woke him' leaving out the word 'had'.)
In the first paragraph, apparently, there are two old men involved. By not naming either, and continuing to write ?old man?, it became confusing to me. You used the term 4 times in this paragraph varying only once to simply say ?man?. You never do name them - I think you should
Wild eyed, his hair standing on edge as if a student hair dresser had teased...(Consider placing a comma after the word ?edge?.)
?I never would have believed if I hadn?t...(Consider placing the word 'it' after the word 'believed'.)
..he stared at the dark haired man as if willing him to believe, ?things like that just aren?t real.(I believe these should be two separate sentences.)
?Foolish pride, the down fall of all men. (Here, I think a semi-colon would be better than a comma and 'down fall' shuld be 'downfall'.)
?It towered above me like some gruesome harlot, revolting yet inviting...(wonderful)
...to emphasize his words, ?Gone like a cloud of smoke. ('Gone' should not be capitalized.)
I was lost, under her spell, but even so my mind...(I think you should put a comma after the word 'so'.)
My eyes closed to a thin slit, heart pounding away in unwanted anticipation, as she leaned closer to kiss my neck??(Consider removing the comma after 'anticipation'.)
Go and check,? he finished with a small smile.('Small smile' reads very awkwardly. You use it in the next paragraph as well. Consider revising.)
Instead, he gestured towards the window and nodded his head, his stiff, gray hair bobbing.(Here you say his hair is stiff, but earlier you said it waved in the air.)
This would make one hell of a story if it was real.? (Change the word 'was' to 'were' or 'is'.)
Stars twinkled brightly in the night sky, watchers forever doomed to peer at the madness of mankind.(Wonderful)
?You did not look close enough,? the old man whispered in his ear, his lips brushing close like a lovers, ?wipe the fog from the glass. Oh, wait,? he laughed darkly, ?Silly old man that I am, I forgot. (First, lovers should be 'lover's'. Then put a period after 'lover's' and capitalize 'wipe' to make it two sentences instead of one. Also, 'Silly' should not be capitalized unless you make it the beginning of a separate sentence.)
Good am I not? (Place a comma after the word 'Good'.)
It is time to bid you adieu but before I go, I have one question.? (I believe there should be a comma after the word 'adieu'.)
Like I said before, this is an extremely well written piece, despite those things I listed above. Much of it may be only opinion, and you know what opinions are like. But, this is a very intriguing piece of writing, and even though it is a play on an old theme (as is my own vampire story, ?This Dreadful Deed?) it is never outdated as long as stories like yours continue to be written in such a grand way. Thank you for you help in keeping the old classics alive. Well done.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2007
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WOW... this was helpful. Thank you. I went in and made all the neccesary changes. I hope that you weren't thrown too much. The old man's name is now Cailon though the other still remains nameless. I figure he's the victim *shrug*. I wanted the reader to follow through the old man's eyes. Anywho... I hope you will be willing to give it another browse and asses the changes made. Who knows, you might find more problems. Hope not (fingers crossed) but if you do just let me know. Thanks for taking the time to read and eview so thoroughly :-D
Comment from Dreamdancer
Hello my friend,
Wow... Outstanding imagery in this piece. You captivate the reader from beginning to end. It was a pleasure to read and thanks for sharing my friend... Dancing in Dreams
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2007
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Hello my friend,
Wow... Outstanding imagery in this piece. You captivate the reader from beginning to end. It was a pleasure to read and thanks for sharing my friend... Dancing in Dreams
Comment Written 20-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2007
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Thank you very much... I am glad that you enjoyed it :-)
Comment from Lynn Yvonne Moon
Thank you for the few minutes of wonderful writing. You will in deed go far. You have a great flare for writing. I saw nothing wrong with the gramar. The story caught my attention right from the start. The dialogue was realistic and the descriptiveness of your words allowed me to be within the story itself. Great Job!
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2007
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Thank you for the few minutes of wonderful writing. You will in deed go far. You have a great flare for writing. I saw nothing wrong with the gramar. The story caught my attention right from the start. The dialogue was realistic and the descriptiveness of your words allowed me to be within the story itself. Great Job!
Comment Written 20-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2007
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again, I am glad that I was able to capture you from the beginning and draw you into the story. Your comments flatter me and I hope with all my heart that you are right about going far :-D
Comment from cassie99
Excellent story. I had an inkiling about halfway through of the ending, but I was left questioning it because of the strength and the truth of the character. I really enjoyed this. Thanks. Chris
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2007
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Excellent story. I had an inkiling about halfway through of the ending, but I was left questioning it because of the strength and the truth of the character. I really enjoyed this. Thanks. Chris
Comment Written 20-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2007
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Yes, I tried to forshadow it by touching on the fact that his eye teeth were sharper and longer than usual... that was the only real hint I gave until he turned on the other man. Thank you for stopping by and reviewing my story :-)
Comment from Lokman
Hello,
May I be honest. I had a hard time getting through the first paragraph. It read passively to me with the 'had's' making me feel as if I was outside the story---One past that, though, you drew me in. I'd suggest taking a look at that paragraph and thinking of ways you could make it more active, and more likely to pull the reader in.
You have a wonderful descriptive style that i really enjoyed, to go along with a wild story, showing excellent imagination.
This was a pleasure to read.
Lokman
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2007
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Hello,
May I be honest. I had a hard time getting through the first paragraph. It read passively to me with the 'had's' making me feel as if I was outside the story---One past that, though, you drew me in. I'd suggest taking a look at that paragraph and thinking of ways you could make it more active, and more likely to pull the reader in.
You have a wonderful descriptive style that i really enjoyed, to go along with a wild story, showing excellent imagination.
This was a pleasure to read.
Lokman
Comment Written 20-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2007
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You are always encouraged to be honest. This is the reason I post here :-) I will certainly go in and see what I can do to bring it more into the present. Thank you for the comments and reviewing my story
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Great!! Sometimes it's hard to tell at the beginning-some people not liking criticism or suggestions, and I'll admit, lol, to getting a little prickly from time to time.
I just want to add also, that I really enjoy the way you write, and am looking forward to reading more of your work.
Lokman
Comment from Penpal
I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I knew that something was amuck. Then when the reporter seen the old man had no reflection. Creepyyyyy... hehehe. I enjoyed this story and was absorbed in the read. Good job.
Sallysaucer
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2007
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I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I knew that something was amuck. Then when the reporter seen the old man had no reflection. Creepyyyyy... hehehe. I enjoyed this story and was absorbed in the read. Good job.
Sallysaucer
Comment Written 20-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2007
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HA... I'm glad it was able to draw you in! Thank you for reading and reveiwing.
Comment from Aster 5
A perfect horror story. The tempo keeps building up, the suspense remains intact.
A vampire was a most unusal entry into the scene. Story with a difference.
Technically perfect too.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2007
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A perfect horror story. The tempo keeps building up, the suspense remains intact.
A vampire was a most unusal entry into the scene. Story with a difference.
Technically perfect too.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2007
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Great! I like to be different and unusual :-) adds a certain kind of spice to weary days.
Comment from kintesiegel
This is an amazing read and an equally amazing piece of writing. It is so professional I saw nothing to change. very enticing, scary, compelling, didn't want to read but couldn't stop, etc. very well done
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2007
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This is an amazing read and an equally amazing piece of writing. It is so professional I saw nothing to change. very enticing, scary, compelling, didn't want to read but couldn't stop, etc. very well done
Comment Written 20-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2007
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I'm glad to know I was able to capture you in such a way :-D Thank you for taking the time to read and review my story.
Comment from donnamq
Very, very good. Your story held me spellbound, right up to the end. I was pleasantly surprised at the ending. I really liked how you moved the story along with dialogue instead of meandering with a lot of unnecesary exposition. Every sentence brought us, the reader, closer to the finale.
You have a couple of words that are spelled correct - but the wrong word.
I plan letting a friend of mine know about your story as she too is a writer of fantasy.
Thanks so much for a great story.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2007
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Very, very good. Your story held me spellbound, right up to the end. I was pleasantly surprised at the ending. I really liked how you moved the story along with dialogue instead of meandering with a lot of unnecesary exposition. Every sentence brought us, the reader, closer to the finale.
You have a couple of words that are spelled correct - but the wrong word.
I plan letting a friend of mine know about your story as she too is a writer of fantasy.
Thanks so much for a great story.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2007
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I hope that your friend finds it entertaining as well and just as gripping that it can pull her into the story. I thank you for taking the time to read and review and for passing me along!
Comment from Janilou
What a wild story! You wrote it very well, The descriptions and dialogue are both excellent. You had my heart pounding by the end, let me tell you!
Nothing to correct! Hope I don't have nightmares!!
Thanks for sharing this great story!
Jan
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2007
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What a wild story! You wrote it very well, The descriptions and dialogue are both excellent. You had my heart pounding by the end, let me tell you!
Nothing to correct! Hope I don't have nightmares!!
Thanks for sharing this great story!
Jan
Comment Written 20-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2007
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LOL... I hope you do not have nightmares as well. Though I must admit, the thought gives me hope that I have done well :-D
Thank you for taking the time to read and review my story!
