Dark Shadows
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Do You Believe?"A collection of short stories and flash fiction
32 total reviews
Comment from MFOX
Wow, you have some creativity! That was a great story.
As I read, the beginning seem active, emotional, pushing me to read more. THen, when the old man started to relay the story, things got a little slow and non-exciting. THen at the end you really did a great job at twisting it back to the old man. Good job. Great writing. Wish I could give you a six, but I don't have any left to give. Good luck in future writing. MFOX
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2007
  |
Wow, you have some creativity! That was a great story.
As I read, the beginning seem active, emotional, pushing me to read more. THen, when the old man started to relay the story, things got a little slow and non-exciting. THen at the end you really did a great job at twisting it back to the old man. Good job. Great writing. Wish I could give you a six, but I don't have any left to give. Good luck in future writing. MFOX
Comment Written 22-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2007
-
Thank you. I'm glad that I was able to draw you into the story. I apologize for the "slow" movement in the middle.. but it is intended to lull the reader until the twist jumps out.
Comment from driven
Wow, this was really good, Ricouard! I didn't have an inkling until near the end, but even still I had to read on! You told this one in a manner that sucked me right in. Great job, and great descriptions!
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2007
|
Wow, this was really good, Ricouard! I didn't have an inkling until near the end, but even still I had to read on! You told this one in a manner that sucked me right in. Great job, and great descriptions!
Comment Written 22-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2007
-
Thank you very much :-) I am so glad that you enjoyed it!
Comment from Gracie Lacie
I'm sure you've been told many times just how great your writing is, but let me tell you again. -It's fantastic! However, let me just add some of my personal feelings as to how you can make it a slight bit better. You don't have to take my word for it though; your story is already suitable for publishing.
?Whoa, slow down old timer. Let?s start at the beginning. First, your name would be..." --Don't say, "Let's start at the beginning." Too many story telling settings begin this way, and it makes it seem unrealistic. Instead you may want to ask a question, or you can simply leave out that sentence in this case. It still works.
" ?Wipe the fog from the glass. Oh, wait,? he laughed darkly, ?silly old man that I am, I forgot. You can?t. Here, allow me,? he reached over the other's shoulder and carefully ran his hand over the fogged surface." --Just a grammar thing here - If you really look, this is a run-on sentence. Put in a period: ""Allow me." He reached over..."
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2007
|
I'm sure you've been told many times just how great your writing is, but let me tell you again. -It's fantastic! However, let me just add some of my personal feelings as to how you can make it a slight bit better. You don't have to take my word for it though; your story is already suitable for publishing.
?Whoa, slow down old timer. Let?s start at the beginning. First, your name would be..." --Don't say, "Let's start at the beginning." Too many story telling settings begin this way, and it makes it seem unrealistic. Instead you may want to ask a question, or you can simply leave out that sentence in this case. It still works.
" ?Wipe the fog from the glass. Oh, wait,? he laughed darkly, ?silly old man that I am, I forgot. You can?t. Here, allow me,? he reached over the other's shoulder and carefully ran his hand over the fogged surface." --Just a grammar thing here - If you really look, this is a run-on sentence. Put in a period: ""Allow me." He reached over..."
Comment Written 22-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2007
-
Ahhhh... I was going to leave out the name thing. as a matter of fact, originally it wasn't there. But then someone here, told me that I needed something to set the characters apart by name and could come up with nothing other than a half introduction *shrug* sometimes you just never know which one is right.
Thank you for your other suggestions; I will certainly take them into consideration.
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi ricouard. Despite not following this story, and not of my favorite genre, I had a great time reading this chapter. This is well-written and nothing for me to pick at here.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2007
|
Hi ricouard. Despite not following this story, and not of my favorite genre, I had a great time reading this chapter. This is well-written and nothing for me to pick at here.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2007
-
The chapters before this one are stand alone stories. This book is basically a collection of short works, so you didn't miss anything...lol. I am glad that you enjoyed this even though it was not one of your favorite genres :-) Thank you for taking the time to read it and review!
Comment from mtngalofnc
This is very good! I held my breath through the entire story! The old man is very convincing. I can't wait to read the follow up. It certainly leaves you sitting on the edge of your seat. Thank you for sharing. God bless, and best wishes!
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2007
|
This is very good! I held my breath through the entire story! The old man is very convincing. I can't wait to read the follow up. It certainly leaves you sitting on the edge of your seat. Thank you for sharing. God bless, and best wishes!
Comment Written 22-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2007
-
GOOD! I'm glad I was able to capture you and hold you to the story :-) Thank you very much for your kind review!
Comment from Thayamax
Your story was very interesting and kept me glued to my seat. I like the way you tell the story mostly in dialogue and I love the surprise ending Nice flow and good descriptions. I give it four stars only because I see lots of long sentences that could use more punctuation, especially commas, to separate phrases, and some SPAG easily corrected. Very nice write, otherwise, and I would be happy to revisit after corrections..
Some examples:
With a weary sigh[,] he?d bid the man come in
he stared at the dark haired man[,] as if willing him to believe.
So[,] instead of going down Main
I hadn?t been paying that much attention to where I was going[,] so I didn?t know which roads I?d turned down.
?Foolish pride; the down fall of all men -- first part is an incomplete sentence, comma or dash instead of semicolon
I just kept on trudging along through the snow[,] past the dilapidated houses that stood silent sentry[,] until I came to a dead end.
?More of a cul-de-sac really, but an end[,] (none the less) -- nonetheless is one word.
That?s when I (saw it though). Her teeth just weren?t right. -- did you mean "saw through it"
shooting daggers as the dark haired man smiled (ironically). -- how is it ironic?
?What are you doing!? he shouted[,] struggling to free himself from the (others) unnatural grip -- other's - possessive
Here, allow me,? he reached over the (others) shoulder -- other's - possessive
his lips brushing against the sensitive part of the (others) ear -- other's - possessive
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2007
|
Your story was very interesting and kept me glued to my seat. I like the way you tell the story mostly in dialogue and I love the surprise ending Nice flow and good descriptions. I give it four stars only because I see lots of long sentences that could use more punctuation, especially commas, to separate phrases, and some SPAG easily corrected. Very nice write, otherwise, and I would be happy to revisit after corrections..
Some examples:
With a weary sigh[,] he?d bid the man come in
he stared at the dark haired man[,] as if willing him to believe.
So[,] instead of going down Main
I hadn?t been paying that much attention to where I was going[,] so I didn?t know which roads I?d turned down.
?Foolish pride; the down fall of all men -- first part is an incomplete sentence, comma or dash instead of semicolon
I just kept on trudging along through the snow[,] past the dilapidated houses that stood silent sentry[,] until I came to a dead end.
?More of a cul-de-sac really, but an end[,] (none the less) -- nonetheless is one word.
That?s when I (saw it though). Her teeth just weren?t right. -- did you mean "saw through it"
shooting daggers as the dark haired man smiled (ironically). -- how is it ironic?
?What are you doing!? he shouted[,] struggling to free himself from the (others) unnatural grip -- other's - possessive
Here, allow me,? he reached over the (others) shoulder -- other's - possessive
his lips brushing against the sensitive part of the (others) ear -- other's - possessive
Comment Written 21-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2007
-
You know... funny thing about this is... I had many of these things exactly as you pointed them out and then other's came along and told me THAT was wrong. Confusing, no? SOOOOOO, once again I will go in and return them to where they were and hope noone else comes along and tells me it's wrong again.
I will go in and make the changes. May I ask you to read through once more (after edits are done again) and let me know if it is better? I will PM you when they have been completed if you agree. Thank you and I hope you find it more worthy next time.
All of us have our own differing opinions as reviewers. The commas usually are a matter of preference to each. You should probably do it the way you think it should be in most cases.
I will be happy to revisit, commas or not! This was a well written story that I enjoyed very much. Correcting the SPAG would be good enough for me to give it five stars.
Thaya
I reread your story. Changes were made and I think it reads much better. I've upgraded my rating to five stars.
Thaya
-
Thank you... but it still says four.
I am so glad that you took the time to recheck my story and even more so that you enjoyed it :-D
Thanks again,
G.D.R
Oops! Will correct that right away.
Thaya
-
:-D as they say, it happens! LOL
Comment from swissmiss
Fantastic! I am new to this site and this is one of only a few pieces that truly sucked me in from beginning to end. You have mastered the art of creating the perfect mood for your story. It is beautifully written and flows smoothly. Your characters are believable and the end of this chapter was perfect. You have captured both the romanticism of vampire tales as well as the horror. I will definitely be reading more. A couple of very minor suggestions/corrections:
moons pale light, should be moon's pale light
bats shrill cry, should be bat's shrill cry
where you use the words "out of whack" it seems not to fit that well with the style of the language, perhaps saying..."your sense of perception is a bit lacking.." would be better.
All in all, I loved this and have no doubt that you will be realizing your dream of being published in no time.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2007
 |
Fantastic! I am new to this site and this is one of only a few pieces that truly sucked me in from beginning to end. You have mastered the art of creating the perfect mood for your story. It is beautifully written and flows smoothly. Your characters are believable and the end of this chapter was perfect. You have captured both the romanticism of vampire tales as well as the horror. I will definitely be reading more. A couple of very minor suggestions/corrections:
moons pale light, should be moon's pale light
bats shrill cry, should be bat's shrill cry
where you use the words "out of whack" it seems not to fit that well with the style of the language, perhaps saying..."your sense of perception is a bit lacking.." would be better.
All in all, I loved this and have no doubt that you will be realizing your dream of being published in no time.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2007
-
Thank you for such a wonderful review and for pointing out the mistakes :-) I have gone in and corrected those things. I certainly hope you will read more of my work! May I suggest "The Marks of the Beast"? If you enjoyed this story, I believe you will enjoy that one as well. Again, Thank you for the exceptional rating. You have made my day :-D
Comment from duchessofdrumborg
"Do You Believe?" is an interesting short story. The content is quite good, but too predictable. The dialogue seems in my opinion to be dated. I shouldn't presume the tale is set in recent times, but this is not revealed by the author. When the reporter says to the old man, "You!", the reader is left not knowing the connection between the two. Whether this was deliberate or not is difficult to fathom. In this respect it was a difficult work to review. In parts it was somewhat like a jig-saw with missing pieces. With a re-write, I think this could be a much better work.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2007
 |
"Do You Believe?" is an interesting short story. The content is quite good, but too predictable. The dialogue seems in my opinion to be dated. I shouldn't presume the tale is set in recent times, but this is not revealed by the author. When the reporter says to the old man, "You!", the reader is left not knowing the connection between the two. Whether this was deliberate or not is difficult to fathom. In this respect it was a difficult work to review. In parts it was somewhat like a jig-saw with missing pieces. With a re-write, I think this could be a much better work.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2007
-
You killed my exceptional rating... of all 25 people who have reveiwed this (most the highest acclaimed writers on this site) you are the only one that judged this to be a poor work. The tale is not set in recent time really... you are reliving what the old man "supposedly" experienced through his words to the other man. And the "you" is read after the man realizes that Cailon is the vampire. It is shown quiet clearly in the sentence before when he notices that the old man has NO reflection. *shrug* Thanks
Ricouard, I did not say this was a poor work. I said it
was predictable and could have been better. It was
quite obvious where in the sequence of the story the
"You!" was said.
the Duchess
-
Forgive me... a good rating... meaning still needs work... not up to par...
When the reporter says to the old man, "You!", the reader is left not knowing the connection between the two. Whether this was deliberate or not is difficult to fathom. In this respect it was a difficult work to review.
Those were your words. Yet this is what I recieved when I brought to your attention that the "you" was clearly defined in the previous sentences:
It was quite obvious where in the sequence of the story the
"You!" was said.
This leaves me in confusion. If you knew the reason and sequence behind the "you" why would you say that it had no association? How would it make the review difficult? Please explain why it struck you this way.
Now... please don't think I'm just being a jerk... how is it the tale is predictable? The story is told by the old man. It is obvious that this was something that was supposed to have happened to him. Though in the ending... it has been shown as a lie for HE is the vampire and his story clearly a ploy to play with his victim. How is it you saw that this was the way the story would go?
I cannot fix what is not pointed out... I cannot re-write the story if I don't know where it is bad. The job of the reviewer (if something is wrong) is to explain why after the mistake is found. In that way the writer can improve. Please explain in a more specific manner.
I am not just picking on your review. I am genuinely confused as to why you saw things the way you did.
Thank you
While I am neither clairvoyant or a soothsayer, it seemed
obvious to me from the beginning, the old man was reeling
the journalist in. Anyone who has read a vampire story is
aware they cast no reflection in glass or mirrors. I was
waiting to see how long it would be until he went for the
young man's neck.
Comment from Karen Fay
Now this is a story, it was exciting, interesting, and I had no idea where it was leading, the perfect story unfortuantly I don't have six stars to give because it deserves that God bless.......Karen fay
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2007
|
Now this is a story, it was exciting, interesting, and I had no idea where it was leading, the perfect story unfortuantly I don't have six stars to give because it deserves that God bless.......Karen fay
Comment Written 20-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2007
-
Why thank you! It is the thought that counts :-)
Comment from cjvaughn
Hi Ricouard,
I enjoyed the changes and look forward to the next chapter. Take care, CJ
I enjoyed reading this original story a lot. I love horror and vampires.
The story idea is creative.
High points:
his gray hair waving in the air like a flag of surrender. nice
?It towered above me like some gruesome harlot... awesome
Your descriptions and imagery are great, pulling the reader deeper into the story and making it more believable.
I liked the ending, it sets up the reader to want to find out what happens next.
Some suggestions:
bid the man come in and rest by the fire... akward, maybe he'd bid the man (to) come in and rest.
"old man/ old man" overused... maybe small bits of description in-between... was he bald, a shocl of silver hair standing up on end? tall, fat?
the others unnatural grip. (other's - possesive)
he reached over the others shoulder ** repetitive, and confusing... the use of other's slows the pace here.
With a shock he realized that there was no other. *** I had to read this a few times to understand that the dark-haired man couldn't see the old man's reflection. Some of this is difficult to follow due to the wording.
Great story idea, original, and compelling. Nice writing. CJ
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2007
|
Hi Ricouard,
I enjoyed the changes and look forward to the next chapter. Take care, CJ
I enjoyed reading this original story a lot. I love horror and vampires.
The story idea is creative.
High points:
his gray hair waving in the air like a flag of surrender. nice
?It towered above me like some gruesome harlot... awesome
Your descriptions and imagery are great, pulling the reader deeper into the story and making it more believable.
I liked the ending, it sets up the reader to want to find out what happens next.
Some suggestions:
bid the man come in and rest by the fire... akward, maybe he'd bid the man (to) come in and rest.
"old man/ old man" overused... maybe small bits of description in-between... was he bald, a shocl of silver hair standing up on end? tall, fat?
the others unnatural grip. (other's - possesive)
he reached over the others shoulder ** repetitive, and confusing... the use of other's slows the pace here.
With a shock he realized that there was no other. *** I had to read this a few times to understand that the dark-haired man couldn't see the old man's reflection. Some of this is difficult to follow due to the wording.
Great story idea, original, and compelling. Nice writing. CJ
Comment Written 20-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2007
-
Already fixed. Perhaps you could give it another read. I think you will be happy with the changes. Thank you for reading and reviewing.
