Dark Shadows
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "In a Minute, Innocence is Lost"A collection of short stories and flash fiction
7 total reviews
Comment from L Stout
This was chilling. Superbly written, emotionally shocking, you have certainly got a flair for effecting your readers. I have always tried to make my writing dark, and I have never come close, particularly given the shortness of the piece! I cant say it was enjoyable to read, ( it was utterly unpleasant) but this is meant as highest praise as it takes a brilliant writer to evoke that kind of emotion! i hope u dont mind if I become a fan? :) i need to read moooore!
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2009
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This was chilling. Superbly written, emotionally shocking, you have certainly got a flair for effecting your readers. I have always tried to make my writing dark, and I have never come close, particularly given the shortness of the piece! I cant say it was enjoyable to read, ( it was utterly unpleasant) but this is meant as highest praise as it takes a brilliant writer to evoke that kind of emotion! i hope u dont mind if I become a fan? :) i need to read moooore!
Comment Written 03-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2009
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It has been a while since I have visited! But you have encouraged me to visit more often :-) I am very glad that you enjoyed the story and I would be honored to have you as a fan! I hope that I can further chill you with my words.
It is very hard to get into the frame of mind to write dark things. I am a very kind person and I often find it darned near impossible to even think that way. However, if I am to bring credit to what I love to do (write, write, write!), then I must be able to delve into the deepest parts of humanity in order to tell the tale.
Thank you again for your comments and for becoming a fan! I hope to hear from you again soon :-)
Comment from Cairn Destop
It is indeed a sad thing that such incidents happen. Thought your short story did an excellent job of rounding out all your characters. They were very believable. No SPAG noticed while reading. Wishing you the best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2007
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It is indeed a sad thing that such incidents happen. Thought your short story did an excellent job of rounding out all your characters. They were very believable. No SPAG noticed while reading. Wishing you the best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2007
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This is sad and seems to have become such a common occurence. Too many poor children suffer the loss of their innocence and struggle for years, if not the rest of their lives, to figure out the why and to patch who they once were. NO child should have to suffer such doubts, shame, fear... the loss of who they are.
I thank you for taking the time to read and review my work :-)
Comment from snodlander
A chilling story that was very difficult to read.
On style I only have one trivial point.
I think that when it is used in place of a name, Daddy should start with a capital, as it is being used as a proper name. So my daddy, but Daddy tickled me.
good luck in the comp
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2007
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A chilling story that was very difficult to read.
On style I only have one trivial point.
I think that when it is used in place of a name, Daddy should start with a capital, as it is being used as a proper name. So my daddy, but Daddy tickled me.
good luck in the comp
Comment Written 08-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2007
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review this piece. Your comments are appreciated and I will go in and correct this mistake. You are right. It is being used as a proper name and, as such, should be capitalized. Good eye. I read through this several times and never caught it.
Thanks again!
Comment from cassie99
This is an excellent piece on a really tough topic. You do an excellent job of conveying how I understand many children cope with this horrific experience. Thank you for sharing it online with us. Chris
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2007
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This is an excellent piece on a really tough topic. You do an excellent job of conveying how I understand many children cope with this horrific experience. Thank you for sharing it online with us. Chris
Comment Written 08-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2007
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review this piece. It was hard to write but I wanted to show clearly how a child feels when violated in this way. Especially by someone they love and look up to. It is a harrowing experience and I fervently hope that, one day, no child will ever experience it.
Comment from In Memoriam
The psychology of it is flawless, the telling moves along well and you do her mental state justice. As far as over-analyzing your artwork choice I like the portraits childish features couple with the grey hair. A couple of nits:
"Daddy loves you." He whispers, ---- use a comma instead of a period and don't capitalize he since this is an attribution.
hand upon my cheek --- it doesn't smack of small, terrified child because it's too poetic.
tremulous smile --- again, another spot that doesn't fit into the simpler tone of the rest of the child's words. From this point forward everything sounds like the voice of a small child.
Numbly I nod my ---comma after numbly.
little nose." He says, --- use a comma instead of a period and don't capitalize he.
Thanks for sharing,
JD.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2007
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The psychology of it is flawless, the telling moves along well and you do her mental state justice. As far as over-analyzing your artwork choice I like the portraits childish features couple with the grey hair. A couple of nits:
"Daddy loves you." He whispers, ---- use a comma instead of a period and don't capitalize he since this is an attribution.
hand upon my cheek --- it doesn't smack of small, terrified child because it's too poetic.
tremulous smile --- again, another spot that doesn't fit into the simpler tone of the rest of the child's words. From this point forward everything sounds like the voice of a small child.
Numbly I nod my ---comma after numbly.
little nose." He says, --- use a comma instead of a period and don't capitalize he.
Thanks for sharing,
JD.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2007
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Alrighty then... I'll get right on it. If you wouldn't mind, after the "edits" are done, could you read it over again? I would appreciate it greatly. Thanks!
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Ummm... I just went and looked this over... and I'm not real sure when you read it, or if it stayed open in your window for a while, but those corrections are not needed. Maybe you read it as I was editing? But then, I'm not too sure cause I was writing an extremely lenghty reply to the gentleman before you. Anyway, I do thank you for the suggestions.
Comment from Howard
I read your Author note, but I can't but help observe the following: If this short is an autobiographical experience, my deepest condolences. I simply cannot imagine such a thing which, according to the constant stream of news reports that hammer us daily, sexual abuse of children (including their murder at the hands of the monsters that walk among us) seems to be an iconic aspect of life in America. If that's so, then God help us!
I have no quibble or suggestions to make. It's obvious you've got a well practiced hand at the writing game and with all the guidance you've had, I'd be well advised to seek your critique of the novel I'm building (Chapter 1 has been posted) and learn by reading more of your work. Great job.
Just a side note: Some years ago (I was about 38 years old), standing in a line of tourists that proceeded through the Winter Palace in Leningrad (now back to St. Petersburg), really quite ill from a bug I caught in Moscow, I was "introduced" to one aspect of "reverse child abuse" that to this day makes me really careful around young girls. A mother and her pre-teen daughter stood in line ahead of me and my wife . . . I was so "out of it" I scarcely knew where I was, and must have had a kind of catatonic stare ahead of me. The little girl evidently noticed and, the next thing I heard that pulled me back to reality, was the mother saying, "If you don't stop leering at my daughter, I'll call the authorities here and have you arrested." I never fully understood the nature of that encounter until years later, during the phase in this country where everyone under the sun during the 1980s (care givers, fathers, teachers, etc.) was being investigated and brought to criminal court for alleged child abuse. Since then, and now probably appearing to a child as a "really old guy," I've been terrified of interacting with young American females (or for that matter, in conformity with the pedophilia trend, males). Sad, isn't it?
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2007
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I read your Author note, but I can't but help observe the following: If this short is an autobiographical experience, my deepest condolences. I simply cannot imagine such a thing which, according to the constant stream of news reports that hammer us daily, sexual abuse of children (including their murder at the hands of the monsters that walk among us) seems to be an iconic aspect of life in America. If that's so, then God help us!
I have no quibble or suggestions to make. It's obvious you've got a well practiced hand at the writing game and with all the guidance you've had, I'd be well advised to seek your critique of the novel I'm building (Chapter 1 has been posted) and learn by reading more of your work. Great job.
Just a side note: Some years ago (I was about 38 years old), standing in a line of tourists that proceeded through the Winter Palace in Leningrad (now back to St. Petersburg), really quite ill from a bug I caught in Moscow, I was "introduced" to one aspect of "reverse child abuse" that to this day makes me really careful around young girls. A mother and her pre-teen daughter stood in line ahead of me and my wife . . . I was so "out of it" I scarcely knew where I was, and must have had a kind of catatonic stare ahead of me. The little girl evidently noticed and, the next thing I heard that pulled me back to reality, was the mother saying, "If you don't stop leering at my daughter, I'll call the authorities here and have you arrested." I never fully understood the nature of that encounter until years later, during the phase in this country where everyone under the sun during the 1980s (care givers, fathers, teachers, etc.) was being investigated and brought to criminal court for alleged child abuse. Since then, and now probably appearing to a child as a "really old guy," I've been terrified of interacting with young American females (or for that matter, in conformity with the pedophilia trend, males). Sad, isn't it?
Comment Written 08-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2007
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Yes, Howard, it IS sad. But it has become a common thing these days. Those who are NOT guilty must pay for the crimes others have commited against young girls AND boys. My Adopted father (adopted when I was 13 after the hell) loved me very much but did not seek to spend any time with me till I was a woman. He confided to me one day, years later, that he had feared being accused. I was terribly hurt as there had been substancial evidence against the man who had hurt me so. Proof, as it were, that I had told the truth. Yet, the one man I had hoped could return my sense of worth and self, denied me the right because of his fears. Point being, sad as it may be, I understand your hesitance. I understand the worry that a child may point a false finger for attentions sake. Keeping distance however, from one who needs it most, can be nearly as damaging to the soul. I know. I thought my adopted father could not love me. I thought he saw me as tainted. As a child, these impressions stayed with me for years. Even now I struggle with it.
Let us hope that, in time, monsters who could damage a child in such a horrid and destructive way, will one day get what they REALLY deserve. And that father's who REALLY love their children, will not have to fear showing that love. Or men, such as yourself, not have to fear interacting with young women. Perhaps, I say, for life is cruely unfair and I fear such things may never end. Now... on to a happier note....
I would be honored to look over and critique your work. If needed, I can even offer pointers :-D And if you are truely interested in reading more of my work, feel free to check out my portfolio. All you have to do is click my name. Not all things writen there are as dark or frank as what you just read.
Thank you again, Howard, for stoping in to read and review my work. I will be seeing you soon :-D
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If you have the time and stomach for it, you can go to my portfolio and review Chapter 2 which I just posted (or Chapter 1 posted a couple weeks ago). I'd be honored to hear some brutal, honest comments from you.
Comment from IamSpook
Hello Ricouard
This is an accurate description of what young children feel and see when in these situations. The ending tpifies the escapism they they run into and how it effects them for life. Very tragic and good writing.
Best Regards,
Mark
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2007
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Hello Ricouard
This is an accurate description of what young children feel and see when in these situations. The ending tpifies the escapism they they run into and how it effects them for life. Very tragic and good writing.
Best Regards,
Mark
Comment Written 08-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2007
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Thank you very much for taking the time to read my story and review. I was a little hesitant about using it (not sure of what sort of reaction I would get from FS) but I'm glad I did. Too many children have suffered this and it's about time the world saw it from their eyes. Thank you again.
