Right in the Eye
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Right in the Eye, ch 5"The adventures and reaches of people with a divine
12 total reviews
Comment from BethShelby
I enjoyed this but I got to it late after it was already off the listing. This old guy is having quite an adventure. It looks like he's going to run out of money, It looks laying the bed didn't do much to age him.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2024
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I enjoyed this but I got to it late after it was already off the listing. This old guy is having quite an adventure. It looks like he's going to run out of money, It looks laying the bed didn't do much to age him.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2024
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Thank you.
Correct, Ben's prayers aided him in his health. But he is very weak.
His plan was to go to the town where his love lived, and to sit out his dying days.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
He went to the bank alone? I think that would have been an interesting scene - what did he tell them as far as where he'd been all those years, and how did he relate to modern banking staff in a modern bank.
So, Suzanne was on the up and up - I didn't expect that:-)
I would expect a little more culture shock from Slim, but I guess the television helped him with that. And he must have no muscle tone or strength after being in somewhat of a coma all these years. And I mean ALL these years!
I appreciate that you are sharing how much towns have changed as Slim passes by and through them, but I feel like he made a big jump from hospital bed to driving a car, doing his own banking, and staying in motels with facilities he's never used before. Perhaps you could spend more time on that.
xo
Pam
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2024
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He went to the bank alone? I think that would have been an interesting scene - what did he tell them as far as where he'd been all those years, and how did he relate to modern banking staff in a modern bank.
So, Suzanne was on the up and up - I didn't expect that:-)
I would expect a little more culture shock from Slim, but I guess the television helped him with that. And he must have no muscle tone or strength after being in somewhat of a coma all these years. And I mean ALL these years!
I appreciate that you are sharing how much towns have changed as Slim passes by and through them, but I feel like he made a big jump from hospital bed to driving a car, doing his own banking, and staying in motels with facilities he's never used before. Perhaps you could spend more time on that.
xo
Pam
Comment Written 28-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2024
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Thank you. Good ideas.
I could have Suzanne go into the bank with him as a daughter (Slim only appears to be 50-60.) This is 1971 so banking is somewhat more relaxed.
I do need to mention Slim's weakened state.
The total drive would only be 4-5 hours. The first motel will be at his destination.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
"Fast Eddie" at a "Cars For Less/Low Down/We Tote The Note" a good illustration of a shyster used car sales character.
Well familiar with the towns and sites you listed throughout this chapter as I spent a spell in the Colorado Springs/Widefield/Security area north of Pueblo once upon a very long time ago.
Does not know how to drive? Then, why is he? Sure he "couldn't count the folks I put in the ditch the first day out." Would be like a slapstick comedy scene to observe.
Unique character, but his lingo sometimes difficult to follow.
Several cliches used such as "Johnny-come-latelies."
MC appears to have either a vivid imagination or a physcotic issue going on thinking he lived previous events such as '83, as no automobiles existed at that time.
Will admit by end of story totally lost, so help me out here. How can he be rescued in 1886 (per your list of characters) and be driving a vehicle when Broncos did note come out until August 11, 1965? Seems trying to mash together two different centuries unless the MC is some sort of time traveler or something?
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2024
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"Fast Eddie" at a "Cars For Less/Low Down/We Tote The Note" a good illustration of a shyster used car sales character.
Well familiar with the towns and sites you listed throughout this chapter as I spent a spell in the Colorado Springs/Widefield/Security area north of Pueblo once upon a very long time ago.
Does not know how to drive? Then, why is he? Sure he "couldn't count the folks I put in the ditch the first day out." Would be like a slapstick comedy scene to observe.
Unique character, but his lingo sometimes difficult to follow.
Several cliches used such as "Johnny-come-latelies."
MC appears to have either a vivid imagination or a physcotic issue going on thinking he lived previous events such as '83, as no automobiles existed at that time.
Will admit by end of story totally lost, so help me out here. How can he be rescued in 1886 (per your list of characters) and be driving a vehicle when Broncos did note come out until August 11, 1965? Seems trying to mash together two different centuries unless the MC is some sort of time traveler or something?
Comment Written 28-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2024
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Thank you for your great review.
He drives because he sees no other way. And Suzanne suggested it. He's too frail to walk or ride a horse or mule. And he wants speed and anonymity.
I wanted Cerrillos, NM real bad(ly), but felt compelled to put it in Colorado for the story plot (clear later on).
I despise cliches, but in first person, 19th century man, I had to. As far as patois, I tried to strike a medium. I guess you have to be Mark Twain to get away with perfect dialect. (smiley face here)
You confused me a bit. Who is MC?
Slim was born in 1851. He was shot in the head (eye) in 1886. The present time is 1971.
OH, I think MC is Main Character.
I'm ecstatic that you are reviewing, but keep in mind that this is chapter 116 and the man who saved him, Ben Persons, was nearly a saint. In that respect, I am taking extreme liberty with a 120 y.o. man who'd been in a state of 'suspended animation for 80 some years.
Thanks again for you review and help.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Wayne, another great chapter in your story about a man who was badly injured, lost an eye and most of his very long life.
Your narrative is engaging and believable. You recount events from society that Slim might have observed while in his coma, and how he handles the new society.
Unique and interesting story.
Take care,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2024
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Wayne, another great chapter in your story about a man who was badly injured, lost an eye and most of his very long life.
Your narrative is engaging and believable. You recount events from society that Slim might have observed while in his coma, and how he handles the new society.
Unique and interesting story.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment Written 28-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2024
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Thank you. I appreciate your very kind review.
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It's a great story!
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
He is certainly accomplishing a lot for someone that only heard the century pass. Do we know why he has to go to Cerriloss? I can't remember, which is the problem with only seeing one chapter at a time.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2024
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He is certainly accomplishing a lot for someone that only heard the century pass. Do we know why he has to go to Cerriloss? I can't remember, which is the problem with only seeing one chapter at a time.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2024
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Thank you. You are absolutely right - 1500 words at a time. That's why I'm posting every 3 days. Cerrillos is where LouAnne was. His intention is to sit and reminisce until he is out of money and then let age just take him.
Comment from lyenochka
I'm really not sure what is happening. I enjoyed the road trip but I can't imagine a hundred year old man getting out of a coma and still finding his bank account still valid and not given to the state. Did he even have ID? And the next thing is he's driving down the SW? I feel this is rather disjointed and hard to follow. Need more roadmaps back to Slim and his real life. But maybe you wanted to create a more collage effect.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2024
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I'm really not sure what is happening. I enjoyed the road trip but I can't imagine a hundred year old man getting out of a coma and still finding his bank account still valid and not given to the state. Did he even have ID? And the next thing is he's driving down the SW? I feel this is rather disjointed and hard to follow. Need more roadmaps back to Slim and his real life. But maybe you wanted to create a more collage effect.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2024
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Suzanne took him to the bank to withdraw from an account that the institution set up. (Their action was based on a rule that Medicare patients were allowed to keep $1,000 and that by some accident, he must have been depleted of all his funds.) You must have missed a chapter. He has no ID, and that was why Fast Eddie charged him too much for the Bronco.
As to his age, we have to suspend belief. But also keep in mind that he was under Ben Persons' care and constant prayer. Later in the story his supernatural longevity makes more sense... and self-corrects.
Thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt.
Comment from Wendy G
I enjoyed this chapter a lot, seeing the significantly changed world through his eyes, and giving a social commentary as he did so. It would be very scary really to have to face the modern world unprepared by years of childhood and gradual experiences. I think what you are doing here is clever.
Wendy
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2024
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I enjoyed this chapter a lot, seeing the significantly changed world through his eyes, and giving a social commentary as he did so. It would be very scary really to have to face the modern world unprepared by years of childhood and gradual experiences. I think what you are doing here is clever.
Wendy
Comment Written 27-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2024
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Thank you! I hoped it would work. This, though, has all been a transition getting from Ben/Tony to Ben Paul.
Comment from Jim Wile
What a cool chapter, Wayne. How strange that must have been for Slim, who, like Rip Van Winkle, passed many a year unconscious or only semi-conscious of his surroundings. And what a good person Suzanne was to help him escape that way. Can he justify her faith in him that he can survive in a completely new world? We'll see. Just fascinating so far. Loved the music too. - Jim
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2024
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What a cool chapter, Wayne. How strange that must have been for Slim, who, like Rip Van Winkle, passed many a year unconscious or only semi-conscious of his surroundings. And what a good person Suzanne was to help him escape that way. Can he justify her faith in him that he can survive in a completely new world? We'll see. Just fascinating so far. Loved the music too. - Jim
Comment Written 27-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2024
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You got me smilin'!
I was questioning whether this gambit would work. Remember?
I think maybe it has. Yet to prove out, though.
Thank you for your great review.
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I guess it may depend on how you transition to the next phase, but so far, I really like it!
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This is the transition.
Comment from Ric Myworld
It's always nice to read another fine chapter-4 and have the story end up with a Marty Robbin's song to finish things up, which takes me back to El Paso. LOL. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2024
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It's always nice to read another fine chapter-4 and have the story end up with a Marty Robbin's song to finish things up, which takes me back to El Paso. LOL. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2024
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smiley face here
I could pass Agua Fria up
Thank you.
Comment from jim vecchio
Glad I saved that star! This story has the reader engrossed, sand I am glad it seems Suzanne is truly on the level. Wonder what will happen to Slim next. Hope you can keep up the momentum!
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2024
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Glad I saved that star! This story has the reader engrossed, sand I am glad it seems Suzanne is truly on the level. Wonder what will happen to Slim next. Hope you can keep up the momentum!
Comment Written 27-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2024
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Thank you. I hope so too!
And thank you for the six stars!
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I'm looking forward to Slim's future!
