Elementals (c)
An excerpt from an unpublished novel8 total reviews
Comment from Barry Penfold
This has the makings of a very good story. However, you need to present this more fluently and attractively. What I mean by that is that there needs to be more distinctive paragraphing. One long blurb of words does not excite the reader. The content has some merit but make the reader want to read it.
Keep writing.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2024
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This has the makings of a very good story. However, you need to present this more fluently and attractively. What I mean by that is that there needs to be more distinctive paragraphing. One long blurb of words does not excite the reader. The content has some merit but make the reader want to read it.
Keep writing.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2024
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Again, thank you for your valued insight and I will take a look at making those correction. You are much appreciated.
Comment from karenina
I'm echoing what others have said, but with few exceptions, any books on FS are posted one chapter at a time... This is a long read, although it has substance and promise. I think you'd benefit overall if you separated it in total. Also, each section could use the benefit of a paragraph structure with a line space in between each paragraph.
Karenina
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
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I'm echoing what others have said, but with few exceptions, any books on FS are posted one chapter at a time... This is a long read, although it has substance and promise. I think you'd benefit overall if you separated it in total. Also, each section could use the benefit of a paragraph structure with a line space in between each paragraph.
Karenina
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
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We have to keep meeting like this:-). I will always remember your faith in my work. Thank you so much ...thank you.
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I remembered there were a few posts I hadn't read! Time to catch up!
:)
Comment from Traci Williams
Good fantasy content, entertaining and emotional dialogue with engaging characters that suck the reader into the story. There's also enough descriptions throughout to pick up the story line without having to read from the beginning. Overall a week written work of fiction, good job!
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
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Good fantasy content, entertaining and emotional dialogue with engaging characters that suck the reader into the story. There's also enough descriptions throughout to pick up the story line without having to read from the beginning. Overall a week written work of fiction, good job!
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2024
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Well, I tried to ensure I posted the best version, but this one has a lot of tense confusion. I promise to improve on that in the future, thank you so much for taking the time to read it and encouraging sentiments. Again, thank you.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
A great setting with the plot being laid out. There is good example of juxtaposition here also. I like how you have a travel through Dominus's mind.A great challenge. The reader leans forward: "Simoom could not figure how she could leave so quickly with so many supplies with her and an injured companion and leave no trail whatsoever." Enter the Demon. A suspenseful account.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2024
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A great setting with the plot being laid out. There is good example of juxtaposition here also. I like how you have a travel through Dominus's mind.A great challenge. The reader leans forward: "Simoom could not figure how she could leave so quickly with so many supplies with her and an injured companion and leave no trail whatsoever." Enter the Demon. A suspenseful account.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2024
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Thank you for your kind words. I'm still trying to improve. I truly appreciate talented individuals like you giving such encouraging words. Thank you so much for taking the time to read it.
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My pleasure anything I can do to help you I'm here.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Very long! I think this should be five or six chapters. Generally long pieces are broken down into chapters. That said, I enjoyed it! Paragraph spacing would help. More white space is better.
I enjoyed how your story explores themes of leadership. I loved the political intrigue and the magical elements in your story. You do a wonderful job in building tension and pacing this. It easily kept my interest.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2024
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Very long! I think this should be five or six chapters. Generally long pieces are broken down into chapters. That said, I enjoyed it! Paragraph spacing would help. More white space is better.
I enjoyed how your story explores themes of leadership. I loved the political intrigue and the magical elements in your story. You do a wonderful job in building tension and pacing this. It easily kept my interest.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2024
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It is very long. That actually was only a portion of Chapter 2. I have them separated by themes. The chapters are major transitions. Some do believe I get too descriptive. I think when I read Dune: House Harkonnen; there is a dinner setting alone that took an entire chapter. That might have been an influence I was trying to avoid. Thank you for your review.
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It's very long for online viewing. Even if your chapters are long in print you are probably breaking them up for online viewing.
Comment from Frank Malley
"Love, Lust, and Lost" is an engaging fantasy that features a captivating series of events and adventures. The prose style is attractive but the writer often uses too many words and sometimes offers minor details that are not germane to the story. Say it quickly and smoothly whenever you can; avoid the temptation to throw in a cool word or phrase unnecessarily. In addition, there are awkward sentences and spots where a comma would help present a sequence of ideas. I would suggest that this writer read a page by his favorite fantasy writer, and then strive to himself write a following page or paragraph. After this, he would read the complete conflation of the two authors and check for consistency in style and movement.
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"Love, Lust, and Lost" is an engaging fantasy that features a captivating series of events and adventures. The prose style is attractive but the writer often uses too many words and sometimes offers minor details that are not germane to the story. Say it quickly and smoothly whenever you can; avoid the temptation to throw in a cool word or phrase unnecessarily. In addition, there are awkward sentences and spots where a comma would help present a sequence of ideas. I would suggest that this writer read a page by his favorite fantasy writer, and then strive to himself write a following page or paragraph. After this, he would read the complete conflation of the two authors and check for consistency in style and movement.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2024
Comment from Julie Helms
To start off with I just want to let you know I didn't get through the whole section. I would recommend posting smaller excerpts to get more feedback.
It feels like a well-done, creative story. I have a few grammar suggestions for your consideration:
decent size troop of nearly 800 men (decent-sized)
taking this journey with some legend general (legendary, legend is a noun not an adjective)
Dominus attentively listen to the instructions (listened)
The uneventful days ((seem)) to blend in on their long journey north, which was a concern of Dominus as he ((noticed))
(Watch the present tense verbs (seem is present vs noticed is past) and keep it consistent. I noticed you did this a number of times.)
She seemed taken to him and he would have to use that
(Mixed idiom. She seemed taken by him OR she seemed to have taken a liking to him.)
One overall recommendation I have is to cut your paragraph length down. The usual number I see by writing teachers is 5 sentences max. It makes it easier for the reader to follow along (like ladder steps).
You're a good writer. I hope you polish this up and get it out there!
Julie
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2024
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To start off with I just want to let you know I didn't get through the whole section. I would recommend posting smaller excerpts to get more feedback.
It feels like a well-done, creative story. I have a few grammar suggestions for your consideration:
decent size troop of nearly 800 men (decent-sized)
taking this journey with some legend general (legendary, legend is a noun not an adjective)
Dominus attentively listen to the instructions (listened)
The uneventful days ((seem)) to blend in on their long journey north, which was a concern of Dominus as he ((noticed))
(Watch the present tense verbs (seem is present vs noticed is past) and keep it consistent. I noticed you did this a number of times.)
She seemed taken to him and he would have to use that
(Mixed idiom. She seemed taken by him OR she seemed to have taken a liking to him.)
One overall recommendation I have is to cut your paragraph length down. The usual number I see by writing teachers is 5 sentences max. It makes it easier for the reader to follow along (like ladder steps).
You're a good writer. I hope you polish this up and get it out there!
Julie
Comment Written 21-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2024
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Thank you so much for your advice, I will be sure to pay attention to the steps. Again, thank you.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
This sounds like a great story.
and not use to giving orders. - (used) but I would use 'accustomed'. Don't ask me why it is in past tense. Seems like a dumb rule to me.
...were also graduates of the pedagogic. - Pedagogic renders the sentence pretty murky. And the dictionary didn't help. This might be an example of the dictum not to use big words when small ones will do.
...instructions from a man so few years ahead of him, but it seemed those years were filled... With a complete sentence on either side, I would use a semicolon.
Brisa gave a brief queer smile in his direction,... - I would separate the two modifiers (brief queer) with a comma.
...they can change sides as quickly it takes to wash their own hair." - The word 'own' is implied and unnecessary.
Best wishes and good luck with your novel.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2024
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This sounds like a great story.
and not use to giving orders. - (used) but I would use 'accustomed'. Don't ask me why it is in past tense. Seems like a dumb rule to me.
...were also graduates of the pedagogic. - Pedagogic renders the sentence pretty murky. And the dictionary didn't help. This might be an example of the dictum not to use big words when small ones will do.
...instructions from a man so few years ahead of him, but it seemed those years were filled... With a complete sentence on either side, I would use a semicolon.
Brisa gave a brief queer smile in his direction,... - I would separate the two modifiers (brief queer) with a comma.
...they can change sides as quickly it takes to wash their own hair." - The word 'own' is implied and unnecessary.
Best wishes and good luck with your novel.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2024
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Thank you so much for the corrections I will be sure to adjust that. However, the Pedagogic reference, I put so much time in explaining it in Chapter 1 with detail of the royal children going through the school. A little note, Lumin, I mean Dominus had his name changed during the process because he was a blood relative and not actually the emperor's son. Again, Thank you.
