But Mom.
Family dynamics become tense when Grandma O comes to visit.4 total reviews
Comment from Sharon Elwell
The title is a perfect setup for your story. I liked the repetition of "cut___ some slack."
There are a couple of things that could use some tightening. It seemed to me that each character overstated his/her case, and each could make their point with fewer words.
When the story starts, it seems that Elizabeth Rose and her mother are alone, and then Douglas speaks. Had he been there listening the whole time?
The same thing happens when Samuel and Samson start talking and the reader doesn't know they're present. It's an easy fix to have them show up or respond somehow to what's gone before.
The paragraph that starts, "Elizabeth Rose..." isn't attributable for a minute because the paragraph immediately before had end quotation marks.
"Oh-oh. Dad's voice just got..." isn't attributable to any character.
When Elizabeth says, "A chorus of the exact same thing," she's responding to the sentence immediately before, which is not the exact same thing.
I hope this is helpful!
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2024
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The title is a perfect setup for your story. I liked the repetition of "cut___ some slack."
There are a couple of things that could use some tightening. It seemed to me that each character overstated his/her case, and each could make their point with fewer words.
When the story starts, it seems that Elizabeth Rose and her mother are alone, and then Douglas speaks. Had he been there listening the whole time?
The same thing happens when Samuel and Samson start talking and the reader doesn't know they're present. It's an easy fix to have them show up or respond somehow to what's gone before.
The paragraph that starts, "Elizabeth Rose..." isn't attributable for a minute because the paragraph immediately before had end quotation marks.
"Oh-oh. Dad's voice just got..." isn't attributable to any character.
When Elizabeth says, "A chorus of the exact same thing," she's responding to the sentence immediately before, which is not the exact same thing.
I hope this is helpful!
Comment Written 20-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2024
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Thank you ever so much for reading and posting a review. I appreciate it.
Comment from LJbutterfly
Welcome to FanStory and congratulations on your First Milestone Post. You have an interesting story about a family in turmoil, presented in dialogue only. Your characters are realistic and well developed and your conversations are believable. My suggestion for improvement involves the size of the font you used. A larger font makes it easier for older eyes to read and attracts more reviews. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2024
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Welcome to FanStory and congratulations on your First Milestone Post. You have an interesting story about a family in turmoil, presented in dialogue only. Your characters are realistic and well developed and your conversations are believable. My suggestion for improvement involves the size of the font you used. A larger font makes it easier for older eyes to read and attracts more reviews. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2024
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. Much appreciated.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Hi Victoria. Welcome to the site. I hope you're having fun.
You done a good job of writing a dialogue only story. We see the difficulty of getting families to get along when grandma comes to visit. Clearly the twins have special privileges as they are favored due to good looks and grades.
Good luck in the contest,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2024
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Hi Victoria. Welcome to the site. I hope you're having fun.
You done a good job of writing a dialogue only story. We see the difficulty of getting families to get along when grandma comes to visit. Clearly the twins have special privileges as they are favored due to good looks and grades.
Good luck in the contest,
Rhonda
Comment Written 20-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2024
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Thank you Rhonda.
I appreciate your feedback.
Yes, I'm having fun.
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I'm glad. On another note, you'll find on this site that we skip lines between paragraphs, and make paragraphs short. It tends to help readers and their eyesight. We write lots of reviews. Anything that can help is appreciated. That was one of the first pieces of advice I got on this site.
Take care,
Rhonda
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Thank you for the insight and tips for creating space between lines. I'll keep that in mind for future posts.
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You know you can go back and edit the current ones as well, right? You can edit as far back as you'd like. I do it all the time.
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Hi davisr (Rhonda). I didn't know that. Thanks for the helpful hint.
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Sure, anytime!
Comment from Alexandra Trovato
You need to use punctuation more clearly. Separating lines , also. would assist a reader. So, due to punctuations issues and lack of a comfortable format for a reader. this is below average, in my view. You're my first one.
Alexandra
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2024
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You need to use punctuation more clearly. Separating lines , also. would assist a reader. So, due to punctuations issues and lack of a comfortable format for a reader. this is below average, in my view. You're my first one.
Alexandra
Comment Written 20-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2024
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Thank you for reading.
I appreciate the feedback.
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Victoria, from my experience you and I will end up being good friends. Please understand, I have been working hard on my book. I am aware of my faults, as I have until March 31st to edit. The way one expresses a review is almost more important than the content of the review. Btw. I also thought the child in your image was too young to speak as you wrote. We each do our best. It's like that, even within the highest circles. My brother, who has now passed had everyone in DC at his wedding in the 80s because he worked for the Washington Post. Assumptions about how people would or would not answer the phone are truly wastes of time. Everyone is a normal person, I've found- no matter what their status.
