Into the Void - Part One
NASA sends astronauts to evaluate a potential threat15 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
The writing and editing are good. You give background on the characters, but they feel as if there is no set up for it. He just blurts it out and tells because, well, there actually no reason for him to do this, he just does. Do you see? It's an exposition dump. Try to avoid those.
Also, nothing happens in this first part. You need a hook or emotional content to grab and hold the reader. A reason to want to turn the page. This first part is mostly him talking to us about nothing important.
notes:
'It never gets old,' Dr Jane Gregory smiles
-'It never gets old.' Dr Jane Gregory smiles
I spot {the UK,} partially covered by white cloud.
-Suggest, England or one of the other countries that comprises the UK. A scientist would be more precise.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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The writing and editing are good. You give background on the characters, but they feel as if there is no set up for it. He just blurts it out and tells because, well, there actually no reason for him to do this, he just does. Do you see? It's an exposition dump. Try to avoid those.
Also, nothing happens in this first part. You need a hook or emotional content to grab and hold the reader. A reason to want to turn the page. This first part is mostly him talking to us about nothing important.
notes:
'It never gets old,' Dr Jane Gregory smiles
-'It never gets old.' Dr Jane Gregory smiles
I spot {the UK,} partially covered by white cloud.
-Suggest, England or one of the other countries that comprises the UK. A scientist would be more precise.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Thank you.
Comment from Ulla
This is a great beginning to your new book, Jacob. It really appealed to my sense of adventure. So they are on a mission to hunt down some hostile aliens. I'm looking forward to reading on. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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This is a great beginning to your new book, Jacob. It really appealed to my sense of adventure. So they are on a mission to hunt down some hostile aliens. I'm looking forward to reading on. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 20-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Thank you Ulla. I?m pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from CrystieCookie999
The content on this chapter is very good. It shows great characterization. The characters themselves are believable. It was extremely readable. I would say an editor would be hard-pressed to find anything to correct except punctuation. So, I have a few suggestions on that:
'It never gets old,' Dr Jane Gregory smiles as she floats towards me, her dark hair flying behind her. 'So, how are you finding it, Ben?'
I would go ahead and use regular quotation marks in all your dialogue, so:
"It never gets old," Dr. Jane Gregory smiles as she floats towards me, her dark hair flying behind her. "So, how are you finding it, Ben?"
Her hazel eyes fix on mine and I look away.
There are two independent clauses here. I would put a comma after mine.
I've known Dr Jane Gregory a long time.
Just need a period after Dr.
Our mission is simple, watch and observe, do not engage and report back.
I suggest: Our mission is simple: watch and observe, do not engage, and report back.
'I know it seems, like a small, defenceless blue dot up here, but it's been like this for over four billion years.'
A reminder to use the regular quotation marks when people are actually speaking. I would take the comma out after seems.
'Ready,' Nikki calls and I can see she's already buckled into her seat.
"Ready," Nikki calls, and I can see she's already buckled into her seat.
Nikki is a twenty-five year old biologist, of African-American heritage, who graduated from Harvard at the age of sixteen.
Other authors may say something different on how to hyphenate that, but I would say: Nikki is a twenty-five-year-old biologist (according to the Chicago Manual of Style).
I already feel like the odd one out compared to the brain boxes that are with me on this mission, and doubt the skills I can really offer.
Because this is kind of a long sentence with a dependent clause there, I would put a comma after out. That way the dependent clause is set off by commas. I might suggest putting an I back in front of doubt, so it would be: , and I doubt the skills I can really offer.
If so, there were plenty of others who she could've chosen for that reason.
I would change 'who' to 'whom' there. Unless, of course, your character has a more informal tone overall in the book. The use of 'who' in the sentence below is the same. If you want to keep it more informal, Americans in general will understand it just fine.
Also with us is NASA engineer, Michael Davies, a bloke in his thirties originally from Colorado, who I'd never met before we started training.
(whom I'd never met)
'Right people, let's go, go, go,' Jane says.
I would say: "Right, people. Let's go, go, go!" Jane says.
I close my eyes, picture the scene back home to try and calm my beating heart. I can't let nerves get the better of me. Not now. Everyone will be glued to their television screens, watching as our rocket lifted off earlier this afternoon, everyone except Mum and Dad.
Something about this sounds like it flip-flops between present tense and past tense. Maybe say: Everyone will be glued to their television screens, watching as our rocket lifts off this afternoon, everyone except Mum and Dad.
Wow, but you sure can write science fiction! If I had any sixes left, you would have got one just for sheer content. I am confident you can fix the punctuation as you go.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2024
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The content on this chapter is very good. It shows great characterization. The characters themselves are believable. It was extremely readable. I would say an editor would be hard-pressed to find anything to correct except punctuation. So, I have a few suggestions on that:
'It never gets old,' Dr Jane Gregory smiles as she floats towards me, her dark hair flying behind her. 'So, how are you finding it, Ben?'
I would go ahead and use regular quotation marks in all your dialogue, so:
"It never gets old," Dr. Jane Gregory smiles as she floats towards me, her dark hair flying behind her. "So, how are you finding it, Ben?"
Her hazel eyes fix on mine and I look away.
There are two independent clauses here. I would put a comma after mine.
I've known Dr Jane Gregory a long time.
Just need a period after Dr.
Our mission is simple, watch and observe, do not engage and report back.
I suggest: Our mission is simple: watch and observe, do not engage, and report back.
'I know it seems, like a small, defenceless blue dot up here, but it's been like this for over four billion years.'
A reminder to use the regular quotation marks when people are actually speaking. I would take the comma out after seems.
'Ready,' Nikki calls and I can see she's already buckled into her seat.
"Ready," Nikki calls, and I can see she's already buckled into her seat.
Nikki is a twenty-five year old biologist, of African-American heritage, who graduated from Harvard at the age of sixteen.
Other authors may say something different on how to hyphenate that, but I would say: Nikki is a twenty-five-year-old biologist (according to the Chicago Manual of Style).
I already feel like the odd one out compared to the brain boxes that are with me on this mission, and doubt the skills I can really offer.
Because this is kind of a long sentence with a dependent clause there, I would put a comma after out. That way the dependent clause is set off by commas. I might suggest putting an I back in front of doubt, so it would be: , and I doubt the skills I can really offer.
If so, there were plenty of others who she could've chosen for that reason.
I would change 'who' to 'whom' there. Unless, of course, your character has a more informal tone overall in the book. The use of 'who' in the sentence below is the same. If you want to keep it more informal, Americans in general will understand it just fine.
Also with us is NASA engineer, Michael Davies, a bloke in his thirties originally from Colorado, who I'd never met before we started training.
(whom I'd never met)
'Right people, let's go, go, go,' Jane says.
I would say: "Right, people. Let's go, go, go!" Jane says.
I close my eyes, picture the scene back home to try and calm my beating heart. I can't let nerves get the better of me. Not now. Everyone will be glued to their television screens, watching as our rocket lifted off earlier this afternoon, everyone except Mum and Dad.
Something about this sounds like it flip-flops between present tense and past tense. Maybe say: Everyone will be glued to their television screens, watching as our rocket lifts off this afternoon, everyone except Mum and Dad.
Wow, but you sure can write science fiction! If I had any sixes left, you would have got one just for sheer content. I am confident you can fix the punctuation as you go.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2024
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Thank you for the detailed review and for all the corrections. I?m really pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Daylily
Sorry I have no sixes left for this intriguing story. I love sci-fi and this has all the elements of an exciting adventure. I even learned a new word: pouffe -- I am guessing it means a foot stool.
re: small fix as no comma needed after the word seems --
'I know it seems, like a small, defenceless blue dot up here,
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2024
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Sorry I have no sixes left for this intriguing story. I love sci-fi and this has all the elements of an exciting adventure. I even learned a new word: pouffe -- I am guessing it means a foot stool.
re: small fix as no comma needed after the word seems --
'I know it seems, like a small, defenceless blue dot up here,
Comment Written 18-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2024
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Yes it?s the same as a foot stall. I?m not sure if it?s a word more commonly used in the UK. Thank you, I?m really pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Lea Tonin1
What a great story you got started here that's pretty cool I wonder if Dr Jane is our heroin or our nemesis going to go out and bust some ass on some aliens great start to another story I look forward to more Latino issues with grammar aesthetic subject matter or sentence structure what a great entry I look forward to the next one have a great day!
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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What a great story you got started here that's pretty cool I wonder if Dr Jane is our heroin or our nemesis going to go out and bust some ass on some aliens great start to another story I look forward to more Latino issues with grammar aesthetic subject matter or sentence structure what a great entry I look forward to the next one have a great day!
Comment Written 17-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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Thank you Lea.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Is this going to be a bumpy ride Jacob. Your new story sounds like a brave mission and I am looking forward to finding out what happens here, love Dolly x x x
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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Is this going to be a bumpy ride Jacob. Your new story sounds like a brave mission and I am looking forward to finding out what happens here, love Dolly x x x
Comment Written 17-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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Thank you Dolly.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Great! I've caught you on the first chapter of your new novel and what a fabulous start it its, Jacob! I love the way you've introduced us to the four members, and the parents, Lol, that is so funny! Mine would have been messing themselves! Very well done, my friend, I'll be looking out for the next chapter. Warmest hugs, Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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Great! I've caught you on the first chapter of your new novel and what a fabulous start it its, Jacob! I love the way you've introduced us to the four members, and the parents, Lol, that is so funny! Mine would have been messing themselves! Very well done, my friend, I'll be looking out for the next chapter. Warmest hugs, Sandra xxx
Comment Written 17-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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Thank you Sandra. I've always wanted to have a go at writing science fiction. This will probably be shorter than my last book.
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I'm very much looking forward to the next chapter, Jacob. Your writing is fabulous. xxx
Comment from karenina
Best of luck with this one... You've started out very well. I have difficulty engaging with the sci fi/fantasy genre and some pressing issues tightening my schedule, so I'll sit this one out...
Loved your first!
I'll be back!
Karenina
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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Best of luck with this one... You've started out very well. I have difficulty engaging with the sci fi/fantasy genre and some pressing issues tightening my schedule, so I'll sit this one out...
Loved your first!
I'll be back!
Karenina
Comment Written 17-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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Thank you Karenina.
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Truly, best of luck with this one! I'm sure I'll drop in now and then...
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Good opening; you draw your reader in with this crisis in the making. I want to hang around to find out what we're going to do about it!
You mention Dr. Jane Gregory at the start of the second paragraph, then again in the same paragraph. After you've introduced her as such, you could just say Dr. Gregory or Jane, should you be on a more casual basis.
"do not engage and report back." Are you stating they should not report back? Maybe if you put a comma after "do not engage", then report back is understood as reporting back.
No comma needed after "I know it seems"
I love the introduction to your dad; "Dad set fire to it" tells us a lot about who he is.
Your mom and dad sure know how to keep their cool. OR they're scared to death for you (your character, I mean) and don't want to watch what happens.
Jacob, this sounds like a really interesting story and I look forward to following this one (as long as you're not posting several times a week!).
Other than what I've suggested, I couldn't find anything wrong with this. And I liked the dialogue - I believe it has an important place in telling a story.
A good start:-)
xo
Pam
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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Good opening; you draw your reader in with this crisis in the making. I want to hang around to find out what we're going to do about it!
You mention Dr. Jane Gregory at the start of the second paragraph, then again in the same paragraph. After you've introduced her as such, you could just say Dr. Gregory or Jane, should you be on a more casual basis.
"do not engage and report back." Are you stating they should not report back? Maybe if you put a comma after "do not engage", then report back is understood as reporting back.
No comma needed after "I know it seems"
I love the introduction to your dad; "Dad set fire to it" tells us a lot about who he is.
Your mom and dad sure know how to keep their cool. OR they're scared to death for you (your character, I mean) and don't want to watch what happens.
Jacob, this sounds like a really interesting story and I look forward to following this one (as long as you're not posting several times a week!).
Other than what I've suggested, I couldn't find anything wrong with this. And I liked the dialogue - I believe it has an important place in telling a story.
A good start:-)
xo
Pam
Comment Written 16-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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Thank you Pam and for the six stars as well.
Comment from BethShelby
I'm glad you are posting agian. I was starting to think you were going to do one story and then leave. This one should be interesting. I'm anxious to know what might be out there.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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I'm glad you are posting agian. I was starting to think you were going to do one story and then leave. This one should be interesting. I'm anxious to know what might be out there.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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Thank you Beth.
