Would You Look at That
A Chloe and Mindy Story26 total reviews
Comment from royowen
I would aay this would be for older kids, and even kids my age Johk, I think you've done a super job, the poetry needs a little brush with the meter, but pretty, good, but you'll probably do that anyhow, I think it's really good my friend, blessings Riy
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2024
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I would aay this would be for older kids, and even kids my age Johk, I think you've done a super job, the poetry needs a little brush with the meter, but pretty, good, but you'll probably do that anyhow, I think it's really good my friend, blessings Riy
Comment Written 15-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2024
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Thank you, Roy. I truly appreciate your time and review.
Can you give me an example on - the poetry needs a little brush with the meter,
This way I can correct/modify the poems.
Thank you.
John
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Ive taken one of your verses and turned it into a ballad style, with 8686 meter and abcb rhyme.
I sport a top hat and a cane,
With dancing shoes and pants.
Performing like an antelope
prepared for song and dance.
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Okay? Thank you. I see I got my work cut out for me. Back to the drawing board.
Much appreciated!
I don?t write poetry so I?ll have to learn?
John
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I?ll help if you want,
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Possibly after I take another stab at it. That would be nice.
Thank, Roy.
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Most welcome
Comment from Begin Again
Good morning and thank you for sharing this charming story and rhyme. It's adorable and certainly would make for a beginning in a lovely children's book. The illustrations would charm every one - child and those older too.
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2024
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Good morning and thank you for sharing this charming story and rhyme. It's adorable and certainly would make for a beginning in a lovely children's book. The illustrations would charm every one - child and those older too.
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 15-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2024
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Awesome, thank you.
Comment from XinaD
This is fantastic. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
I often wonder what it is that dogs say to each other that we don't understand; I sincerely hope things like this are it.
The inclusion of poetry whenever she told a tale added an air of theatrics that complemented Mindy's personality well.
I do wonder what she whispered, and I'm sure children would have a fun time speculating on such. Bravo, excellent story.
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This is fantastic. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
I often wonder what it is that dogs say to each other that we don't understand; I sincerely hope things like this are it.
The inclusion of poetry whenever she told a tale added an air of theatrics that complemented Mindy's personality well.
I do wonder what she whispered, and I'm sure children would have a fun time speculating on such. Bravo, excellent story.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2024
Comment from LJbutterfly
I taught children ages two to five. That's considered preschool where children still accept animals talking. Older than age five wants to read about other children. Your story is fun and interesting. Young children will like the names of the animals.
The story will have to have a happy ending. I've actually seen young children cry when they thought things might not work out for the characters. (like the gingerbread man getting eaten and the wolf eating little Red Riding Hood's grandma and baby bear's food gone and chair broken) Otherwise, I would have enjoyed reading your creative story to my classes.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
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I taught children ages two to five. That's considered preschool where children still accept animals talking. Older than age five wants to read about other children. Your story is fun and interesting. Young children will like the names of the animals.
The story will have to have a happy ending. I've actually seen young children cry when they thought things might not work out for the characters. (like the gingerbread man getting eaten and the wolf eating little Red Riding Hood's grandma and baby bear's food gone and chair broken) Otherwise, I would have enjoyed reading your creative story to my classes.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
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I do have to work on the ending. I left it way too open ended. Thank you for pointing that out. I appreciate your support!
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Very clever story.
Maybe it's me, but i didn't see anything that needed pointing out, grammatically. Unless you care about the poem, which I, admittedly, am not an expert. I wonder, though, why you capitalize the start of a line after commas, but not the start of every line as I learned.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
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Very clever story.
Maybe it's me, but i didn't see anything that needed pointing out, grammatically. Unless you care about the poem, which I, admittedly, am not an expert. I wonder, though, why you capitalize the start of a line after commas, but not the start of every line as I learned.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
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Honestly, that?s how I wrote it. You were the first to point it out. If it?s incorrect I?ll certainly correct it. I?ll have to research that point,
Thanks.
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Like I said, that's only how I learned it, but that was in grade school 60 years ago. Mighta changed.
Comment from John Ciarmello
This is super cute and has all the elements for a great children's rhyme story. I like the fact that there's conversation in between the stanzas.
If I had to critique anything, I would say to remember who your audience is and their attention span. I would also add a note for the ending, which is not concise enough for a child. They need closure to know where all the characters are and where they will end up.
I hope this helped, John. Best, JohnC
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
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This is super cute and has all the elements for a great children's rhyme story. I like the fact that there's conversation in between the stanzas.
If I had to critique anything, I would say to remember who your audience is and their attention span. I would also add a note for the ending, which is not concise enough for a child. They need closure to know where all the characters are and where they will end up.
I hope this helped, John. Best, JohnC
Comment Written 12-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
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I have to rewrite the ending to conclude it, I agree.
Thank you so much for the great review.
John
Comment from w.j.debi
Great cliff hanger. I am hoping there is another chapter after this one so we can see how it turns out.
Kids love rhymes so they should love Mindy's version of Salty's story.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
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Great cliff hanger. I am hoping there is another chapter after this one so we can see how it turns out.
Kids love rhymes so they should love Mindy's version of Salty's story.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
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Debi,
Thank you for the positive review.
JOhn
Comment from Pam (respa)
Thanks for sharing the image and story, John. You did a good job with it. It flowed smoothly, it would capture the imagination of children, especially with the clever names of the animals. They love hearing them and would soon be repeating them. I like the banter in the prose section with a poem in between.
One thing that would be helpful in the author notes is the age range you would set for this.
Based on that, the only comment I have is about the ending. I think a younger child might be disappointed that there wasn't a definite ending. I also think in today's world, closure is a good thing to have.
I know a lot of adult stories and novels are open ended, but I like to know what happens. You spent a lot of time developing this, and it is done very well so I think a clever ending would work well with the whole thing. Just my opinion.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
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Thanks for sharing the image and story, John. You did a good job with it. It flowed smoothly, it would capture the imagination of children, especially with the clever names of the animals. They love hearing them and would soon be repeating them. I like the banter in the prose section with a poem in between.
One thing that would be helpful in the author notes is the age range you would set for this.
Based on that, the only comment I have is about the ending. I think a younger child might be disappointed that there wasn't a definite ending. I also think in today's world, closure is a good thing to have.
I know a lot of adult stories and novels are open ended, but I like to know what happens. You spent a lot of time developing this, and it is done very well so I think a clever ending would work well with the whole thing. Just my opinion.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
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I agree that there needs to be a conclusion to the story. Originally I was going to make this longer but now realize it needs closure.
Thank you
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You are very welcome. I agree with you; it doesn't need to be longer. Did you have an age in mind. I was just curious. I have written 3 children's books but they were for the younger set, around 7-9 years old.
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Honestly I did not have an age in mind. I?m thinking this would be illustrated and possibly be in the 5-7 age group. I?m not really sure. I?ve never done this before.
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I have a chart somewhere to determine the reading level of a piece of writing. I got it from the local librarian. I'll send it to you unless you want to check your own library.
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I would appreciate you sending it, if it?s no trouble.
Here?s my email-
jmd12145@comcast.net
Very thoughtful of you!
John
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It is no trouble. You are very welcome!
Comment from jessizero
You have an extra quotation mark in that second-to-last paragraph. I wonder what Chloe whispered to Mindy. I love how Mindy talks in rhymes when she is telling the story.
I think I've read before that when one character talks for more than one paragraph, the end of the paragraphs that are not last don't have a closing quotation mark but do have an opening quotation mark. You'd have to look into that, though, as I could be mistaken.
Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
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You have an extra quotation mark in that second-to-last paragraph. I wonder what Chloe whispered to Mindy. I love how Mindy talks in rhymes when she is telling the story.
I think I've read before that when one character talks for more than one paragraph, the end of the paragraphs that are not last don't have a closing quotation mark but do have an opening quotation mark. You'd have to look into that, though, as I could be mistaken.
Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
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Thanks Jessi for the corrections and suggestions.
Much appreciated.
Comment from LateBloomer
Hi John, this story is so cute. I liked the names of everyone, but my favorite name was ... Saltimo Scungileone Squirreliamo. Also, good
alliteration throughout the story. Of special note:
she walked over to Mindy and whispered in her ear...
(You kept us hanging on. Also, you've left the door open to continue the story should you wish too.)
Well done. Margaret
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
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Hi John, this story is so cute. I liked the names of everyone, but my favorite name was ... Saltimo Scungileone Squirreliamo. Also, good
alliteration throughout the story. Of special note:
she walked over to Mindy and whispered in her ear...
(You kept us hanging on. Also, you've left the door open to continue the story should you wish too.)
Well done. Margaret
Comment Written 12-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
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Margaret.
Sorry for the late response but it was a busy weekend at Uncle G's.
Thank you for the fine review.
I still have that potato pancake recipe. I have not forgotten.
John
