The Chaos Within
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Drive"Follow the main character in her journey.
5 total reviews
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
After reading one in the middle and then asking for background not knowing it was not the first chapter, you told me about how it works since I am brand-spanking new. I am glad I went back to start at chapter one.
Good writing.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2023
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After reading one in the middle and then asking for background not knowing it was not the first chapter, you told me about how it works since I am brand-spanking new. I am glad I went back to start at chapter one.
Good writing.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2023
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Welcome to fanstory!
Thank you for reading!
Comment from Wendy G
This is the first chapter I have read and it is very engrossing and well written so I hope to read more. Congratulations on making it to Book of the Month. Best wishes for it in the contest.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2023
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This is the first chapter I have read and it is very engrossing and well written so I hope to read more. Congratulations on making it to Book of the Month. Best wishes for it in the contest.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2023
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Thank you so much for your kind review!
Comment from CrystieCookie999
I think this is well done. It sounds like it is aimed at young adults. I liked this part: I raised an eyebrow, "Yeah? What sort of band?" I already knew the answer to it, classic rock. But to throw a dog a bone.
A single fix:
"Oh, um, not really. I mean she bought me one, but mom would never let me take any lessons and she didn't like it when I tried to teach myself. She said it was too distracting."
Just capitalize Mom. That is because you are referring to her as if Mom is her name, not in the third person. Also I think I would suggest a comma after the word lessons. That is because you have two independent clauses there. Well, technically there are three.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2023
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I think this is well done. It sounds like it is aimed at young adults. I liked this part: I raised an eyebrow, "Yeah? What sort of band?" I already knew the answer to it, classic rock. But to throw a dog a bone.
A single fix:
"Oh, um, not really. I mean she bought me one, but mom would never let me take any lessons and she didn't like it when I tried to teach myself. She said it was too distracting."
Just capitalize Mom. That is because you are referring to her as if Mom is her name, not in the third person. Also I think I would suggest a comma after the word lessons. That is because you have two independent clauses there. Well, technically there are three.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2023
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Thank you so much for your review and suggestions! Have a lovely day!
Comment from lancellot
This is a nice beginning. The reader is getting a good look at the relationship between father and daughter. Also, some backstory and hints of what's to come.
notes:
"Are you still singing?" he shot a glance in my direction. His eyes begged me to answer.
"Sorta," I shrugged my shoulders. I should say more. I should tell him how I had auditioned for a local competition at school,
- Note here how these text switches from past tense to present tense, then back again. (You should pick just one and maintain.)
I raised an eyebrow, "Yeah? What sort of band?"
-This should be:
I raised an eyebrow. "Yeah? What sort of band?"
-period not comma for action tags.
The {innermost} snarky teenager {inside} of me resisted the urge to cringe at his word choice.
- you don't need both.
It had been the better part of a decade since we had been alone {together} and neither of us was the same person.
- not needed. The we covers you two.
"Your brothers and I went {as saw} him a couple of months ago and they all had a blast."
-to see
t's just going to be weird having them {around." I explained further. }
-around," I explained further.
I believe they are too cool to continue wearing play dresses and {tiaras." he chuckled.}
-tiaras." He chuckled.
"Alex?" He called my name. I glanced in his direction. "I'm glad you chose to come down here with us. I think it will be good for our family."
-change to:
"Alex?" he called my name.
I glanced in his direction.
"I'm glad you chose to come down here with us. I think it will be good for our family."
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2023
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This is a nice beginning. The reader is getting a good look at the relationship between father and daughter. Also, some backstory and hints of what's to come.
notes:
"Are you still singing?" he shot a glance in my direction. His eyes begged me to answer.
"Sorta," I shrugged my shoulders. I should say more. I should tell him how I had auditioned for a local competition at school,
- Note here how these text switches from past tense to present tense, then back again. (You should pick just one and maintain.)
I raised an eyebrow, "Yeah? What sort of band?"
-This should be:
I raised an eyebrow. "Yeah? What sort of band?"
-period not comma for action tags.
The {innermost} snarky teenager {inside} of me resisted the urge to cringe at his word choice.
- you don't need both.
It had been the better part of a decade since we had been alone {together} and neither of us was the same person.
- not needed. The we covers you two.
"Your brothers and I went {as saw} him a couple of months ago and they all had a blast."
-to see
t's just going to be weird having them {around." I explained further. }
-around," I explained further.
I believe they are too cool to continue wearing play dresses and {tiaras." he chuckled.}
-tiaras." He chuckled.
"Alex?" He called my name. I glanced in his direction. "I'm glad you chose to come down here with us. I think it will be good for our family."
-change to:
"Alex?" he called my name.
I glanced in his direction.
"I'm glad you chose to come down here with us. I think it will be good for our family."
Comment Written 30-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2023
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Thank you so much for the feedback and suggestions!
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
This is a very well written story in which I was fully engaged from the start. Your road trip enabled an initially difficult situation between father and daughter to develop through various stages of discomfort to a realistic point of a more relaxed mutual understanding. The dialogue was well done building on the two characters and their background and the whole read was a delightful, effortless one. There is one small edit: para starting He cleared his throat ....went (and) saw him. Well done here and congrats on your milestone! Debbie
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2023
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This is a very well written story in which I was fully engaged from the start. Your road trip enabled an initially difficult situation between father and daughter to develop through various stages of discomfort to a realistic point of a more relaxed mutual understanding. The dialogue was well done building on the two characters and their background and the whole read was a delightful, effortless one. There is one small edit: para starting He cleared his throat ....went (and) saw him. Well done here and congrats on your milestone! Debbie
Comment Written 30-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2023
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Thank you so much for your kind review!!
