The English Assignment
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "Kevin befriends Little Billy"The author tells a tale how he tried to better him
3 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
There is a lot of potential to this chapter. However there are some careless errors that shouldn't be made, like your title. Something as important as that shouldn't be left as it is. I'm surprised your spell-check didn't catch it.
You need to fix your title to "Little Billy"
Anyway he always had more money than me [... he always had more money than I ..." If you add the implied "had" at the end, you would see it could not me "he always had more money than me had."]
Well I had heard from a few people that he was a Gay and I was like that's cool I don't judge as long as you don't try nothing on me, [You might get away with this type of writing if it was dialogue instead of narrative. But it's too "valley-girl cutesy" with the "and I was like that's cool". You can rescue it by replacing "I was" with "I thought" and put in italics the thought portion ending with "...don't try nothing on me."]
So I had a pretty good idea he was gay at that point [Since you end the next sentence with "AT THAT POINT" it might be wise to omit it in this sentence.]
This seems to end rather abruptly without any resolution.
I hope my suggestions help your chapter. At least, if it doesn't help you, though, I hope it doesn't hurt you.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2022
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There is a lot of potential to this chapter. However there are some careless errors that shouldn't be made, like your title. Something as important as that shouldn't be left as it is. I'm surprised your spell-check didn't catch it.
You need to fix your title to "Little Billy"
Anyway he always had more money than me [... he always had more money than I ..." If you add the implied "had" at the end, you would see it could not me "he always had more money than me had."]
Well I had heard from a few people that he was a Gay and I was like that's cool I don't judge as long as you don't try nothing on me, [You might get away with this type of writing if it was dialogue instead of narrative. But it's too "valley-girl cutesy" with the "and I was like that's cool". You can rescue it by replacing "I was" with "I thought" and put in italics the thought portion ending with "...don't try nothing on me."]
So I had a pretty good idea he was gay at that point [Since you end the next sentence with "AT THAT POINT" it might be wise to omit it in this sentence.]
This seems to end rather abruptly without any resolution.
I hope my suggestions help your chapter. At least, if it doesn't help you, though, I hope it doesn't hurt you.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2022
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thank you yes I should write the second half of this chapter. i made the corrections. Thank you I focus so much on my writing I just have to get the thoughts out while there in my head and fix it later.
Comment from Ricky1024
"Little Blilly"
Chapter in your book was well written Rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned perfectly.
Thanks for sharing.
Doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2022
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"Little Blilly"
Chapter in your book was well written Rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned perfectly.
Thanks for sharing.
Doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 03-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2022
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thank you for the kind review
Comment from Gunner Lil
A good story of early Army life and building friendships that one may never had. It seems Kevin really like you as a person and not as just a male lover. I think he would have tried something way before the shower.
Would like to have heard something about Hardy.
You may want to use a little more attention in sentence structure.
Enjoyed read your tale. Good job. Good luck!
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2022
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A good story of early Army life and building friendships that one may never had. It seems Kevin really like you as a person and not as just a male lover. I think he would have tried something way before the shower.
Would like to have heard something about Hardy.
You may want to use a little more attention in sentence structure.
Enjoyed read your tale. Good job. Good luck!
Comment Written 02-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2022
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yes hardy comes later he builds the drama
