Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 32 "Part two, Chapter 10"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
88 total reviews
Comment from Cumbrianlass
I didn't find it long. Thought it was perfect. Great read, Barbara. Wow - that Bobby is a real - well you know what. His mother is no better. This was an exciting write - full of tension. Great dialogue. Well done.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
  |
I didn't find it long. Thought it was perfect. Great read, Barbara. Wow - that Bobby is a real - well you know what. His mother is no better. This was an exciting write - full of tension. Great dialogue. Well done.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
-
Thank your for your kind review.
Comment from Helen Tan
Bobby's mum is a real bitch and Bobby needs a tight slap or two! I didn't notice any major SPAG.
*****
In the courthouse hallway, Anna gulped. "Now what?"
*****
As Paul drove home, he said,
I don't think these breaks are required as it's a natural progress - from the court hearing, out to the courthouse hallway and then the drive home. There isn't a long time lapse either. By inserting these breaks with very short segments in between, it breaks the flow of the writing.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
|
Bobby's mum is a real bitch and Bobby needs a tight slap or two! I didn't notice any major SPAG.
*****
In the courthouse hallway, Anna gulped. "Now what?"
*****
As Paul drove home, he said,
I don't think these breaks are required as it's a natural progress - from the court hearing, out to the courthouse hallway and then the drive home. There isn't a long time lapse either. By inserting these breaks with very short segments in between, it breaks the flow of the writing.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
-
Thank your for your kind review.
Comment from Connie P
I didn't notice the length, Barbara, in fact, the chapter left me wanting more. I don't think men 'disciplining' their wives goes over very well anymore. I dislike Bobby more now than ever, although he told his version of the truth, he's just so nasty ... gets it honest, I think.
When someone says "I'll see you in hell first" that's a threat and with Mrs. Rodgers blindness to her son's ways and her abrasive personality, I think she'll try something.
Connie
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
|
I didn't notice the length, Barbara, in fact, the chapter left me wanting more. I don't think men 'disciplining' their wives goes over very well anymore. I dislike Bobby more now than ever, although he told his version of the truth, he's just so nasty ... gets it honest, I think.
When someone says "I'll see you in hell first" that's a threat and with Mrs. Rodgers blindness to her son's ways and her abrasive personality, I think she'll try something.
Connie
Comment Written 19-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
-
Thank your for your kind review.
Comment from ephraim crud, COS.
the length is unimportant, it's the quality...
my girlfriend's job is to type court cases from the stenographer's notes, so i'm quite clued-up on the
proceedings and the tensions that arise...
and you have captured these very well in this piece.
a most enjoyable read. i'll be back! thank you.
regards, eph.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
|
the length is unimportant, it's the quality...
my girlfriend's job is to type court cases from the stenographer's notes, so i'm quite clued-up on the
proceedings and the tensions that arise...
and you have captured these very well in this piece.
a most enjoyable read. i'll be back! thank you.
regards, eph.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
-
Thank your for your kind review.
Comment from Cheryl Daphine
Very good chapter Barbara,I am so glad Paul see's into Bobby's mother. She will be the next one arrested. This has been an excellent story and I am sure an eye opening one to many. Look forward to the next.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
|
Very good chapter Barbara,I am so glad Paul see's into Bobby's mother. She will be the next one arrested. This has been an excellent story and I am sure an eye opening one to many. Look forward to the next.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
-
Thank your for your kind review.
Comment from MarquisdeMars
You have a real talent for dialogue. it flows very well and is short and to the point, which is like normal everyday dialogue, but not too much like it. Geat story.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
|
You have a real talent for dialogue. it flows very well and is short and to the point, which is like normal everyday dialogue, but not too much like it. Geat story.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
-
Thank your for your kind review and encouraging words.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Barbara;]
In your Author Notes, you apologize for this post being too long. I don't agree. It is an intense, fast-moving scene and very easy to read.
The trial seems to be all in Anna's favor. I think it would be obvious that Bobby's discipline was physical abuse. I don't believe any Judge would grant custody to Bobby. His own testimony indicates complete disregard for his son.
I think Paul should seek a restraining order against Mrs. Rogers. She already has shown behavior that is threatening in nature toward Anna,
I have one suggestion to avoid confusion: Inside the courtroom, Anna stood beside Paul as the hefty gray-haired Judge Kirk entered. [Her ==> Anna's] knees shook and she felt as if her stomach would betray her.{You need to use Anna's name here because "Her"could be a pronoun for either Anna or Judge Kirk.}
The courtroom scene is realistic and believable, but I still expect a lot of trouble from Bobby and his mother.
Love and Irish hugs,
Roger
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
|
Hi Barbara;]
In your Author Notes, you apologize for this post being too long. I don't agree. It is an intense, fast-moving scene and very easy to read.
The trial seems to be all in Anna's favor. I think it would be obvious that Bobby's discipline was physical abuse. I don't believe any Judge would grant custody to Bobby. His own testimony indicates complete disregard for his son.
I think Paul should seek a restraining order against Mrs. Rogers. She already has shown behavior that is threatening in nature toward Anna,
I have one suggestion to avoid confusion: Inside the courtroom, Anna stood beside Paul as the hefty gray-haired Judge Kirk entered. [Her ==> Anna's] knees shook and she felt as if her stomach would betray her.{You need to use Anna's name here because "Her"could be a pronoun for either Anna or Judge Kirk.}
The courtroom scene is realistic and believable, but I still expect a lot of trouble from Bobby and his mother.
Love and Irish hugs,
Roger
Comment Written 19-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
-
Thank your for your kind review. I will make that change.
Comment from robina1978
Think over here the abused don't have to face their offenders in court.
Paul certainly helps her in any way he can.
The way it went in court I gather they will get a good decision.
That mother of her husband is almost a replica of him. No wonder he turned out like this.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
|
Think over here the abused don't have to face their offenders in court.
Paul certainly helps her in any way he can.
The way it went in court I gather they will get a good decision.
That mother of her husband is almost a replica of him. No wonder he turned out like this.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
-
Thank your for your kind review.
Comment from purrfect tale
I was so involved in the story that I didn't notice it was long until I was finished and read your notes! I went through this myself many years ago. At that time you had to have a witness who say the actual beating take place or you couldn't mention in court that you were abused. Now if you killed the abuser you could tell about the abuse without having an eye witness. In college I wrote a Psyc. paper arguing the murder vs divorce options and why murder was better. Ohio has since changed some of those laws. Anyway, I really connected with your main character and will be following her story. I do have two notes, I hope they help you.
"She's weak and never stops his bawling." - Did you mean "He's weak"?
"Back at the table Paul, turned toward Anna" - the comma should be after table not after Paul.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
|
I was so involved in the story that I didn't notice it was long until I was finished and read your notes! I went through this myself many years ago. At that time you had to have a witness who say the actual beating take place or you couldn't mention in court that you were abused. Now if you killed the abuser you could tell about the abuse without having an eye witness. In college I wrote a Psyc. paper arguing the murder vs divorce options and why murder was better. Ohio has since changed some of those laws. Anyway, I really connected with your main character and will be following her story. I do have two notes, I hope they help you.
"She's weak and never stops his bawling." - Did you mean "He's weak"?
"Back at the table Paul, turned toward Anna" - the comma should be after table not after Paul.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
-
Thank your for your kind review. You're right about the comma.
Comment from Chris Tee
This is an excellent part and kept me captivated it was not to long at all and a pleasure read we have here old sport.
Well done with another splendid write here and I am looking forward to the next part.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
|
This is an excellent part and kept me captivated it was not to long at all and a pleasure read we have here old sport.
Well done with another splendid write here and I am looking forward to the next part.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2011
-
Thank your for your kind review.
