Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Part One of Chapter Two"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
93 total reviews
Comment from C'est Moi
I think the emotion is very well-done in this piece, very honest. When I first started reading it I was put off by the short, sharp sentences and the dialog, but only for a second and then I got used to the style and began to like it. I've not done a line-edit on this piece but I've put a few notes below:
Inside the pediatrician's lobby, Anna walked up to a receptionist's counter. "May I please use the telephone?"
-This is a weak introduction to the scene. On one hand the whole ordeal of watching her call Troy gave me time to adjust to the voice of the story, but since this is actually a chapter two, I should have made that adjustment already and this will just bore me. I'd consider cutting it and starting the chapter where the conversation with Troy begins. I don't care about who dials the phone, etc.
Troy watched her skirt hike on her thighs. He wiped his mouth and released a deep breath. This woman needs my protection and help, not my raging hormones.
-This is the first time I felt like I was inside someone's head. Before this I thought this piece was going to be done from a completely objective perspective. You might want to include some observations directly from your POV characters to enhance the emotion/tension in this piece and keep the reader from going 'Wait, what?'
It shouldn't matter that I haven't been with a woman since Angela discovered my diagnosis and walked out.
-SMACK! This felt to me like you, as the author, wanted to make sure I, as the reader, knew Troy was just coming out of a bad relationship and had some sort of condition that required diagnosis. There has to be a more subtle way of doing this. At the very least, the sentence is awkwardly phrased within the rest of the paragraph.
"Michael and I'll get to know each other."
-It's dialog so of course he can say it however he wants, but I'd suggest not using the word I'll in that context. It tripped me up. Michael and I will get to know each other would flow better.
grease-stained hand grabbed the bottle of pink medicine. Another hand engulfed her arm as greasy fingernails
-Wait, is he greasy? :) You use the word twice in two sentences, perhaps another description is in order?
Again, I think this chapter's pacing is quite good and the relationship seems to be developing at a believable rate. It seems a little fast, but this is classified as 'Romantic fiction' so that's allowed.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2011
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I think the emotion is very well-done in this piece, very honest. When I first started reading it I was put off by the short, sharp sentences and the dialog, but only for a second and then I got used to the style and began to like it. I've not done a line-edit on this piece but I've put a few notes below:
Inside the pediatrician's lobby, Anna walked up to a receptionist's counter. "May I please use the telephone?"
-This is a weak introduction to the scene. On one hand the whole ordeal of watching her call Troy gave me time to adjust to the voice of the story, but since this is actually a chapter two, I should have made that adjustment already and this will just bore me. I'd consider cutting it and starting the chapter where the conversation with Troy begins. I don't care about who dials the phone, etc.
Troy watched her skirt hike on her thighs. He wiped his mouth and released a deep breath. This woman needs my protection and help, not my raging hormones.
-This is the first time I felt like I was inside someone's head. Before this I thought this piece was going to be done from a completely objective perspective. You might want to include some observations directly from your POV characters to enhance the emotion/tension in this piece and keep the reader from going 'Wait, what?'
It shouldn't matter that I haven't been with a woman since Angela discovered my diagnosis and walked out.
-SMACK! This felt to me like you, as the author, wanted to make sure I, as the reader, knew Troy was just coming out of a bad relationship and had some sort of condition that required diagnosis. There has to be a more subtle way of doing this. At the very least, the sentence is awkwardly phrased within the rest of the paragraph.
"Michael and I'll get to know each other."
-It's dialog so of course he can say it however he wants, but I'd suggest not using the word I'll in that context. It tripped me up. Michael and I will get to know each other would flow better.
grease-stained hand grabbed the bottle of pink medicine. Another hand engulfed her arm as greasy fingernails
-Wait, is he greasy? :) You use the word twice in two sentences, perhaps another description is in order?
Again, I think this chapter's pacing is quite good and the relationship seems to be developing at a believable rate. It seems a little fast, but this is classified as 'Romantic fiction' so that's allowed.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2011
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Inside the pediatrician's lobby,...(The reason this is written in the post is actually for two reasons. First to show how difficult it is for Anna to call Toby and to show she is your very typical abused woman.
I did switch POV's but I notified my readers by a space and a ***** which is very acceptable.
My style which many of my fans like because I don't go in to a lot of description is to write short and to the the point sentences. I don't like to read long drawn out descriptions. They bore me and I lose interest very fast. I think this is probably the reason their are so many authors out there with so many different styles. There is no right or wrong style it is a preference.
Thank you for your review.
Comment from moyramouse
I'm glad Anna reached out to Troy for help with the doctor's bill and medicine. It took courage to swallow her pride but her little boy's health was more important. We know Troy is kind and willing to help, but you have given us a clue that all is not well with him. His own relationship has ended because of 'his diagnosis'. Now we have to wait for two burning questions to be answered: what is wrong with Troy? what will happen to Anna now Bobby is in a drunken rage? I am glad to hear that you haven't had to go through more chemo and shall pray that your sore heals quickly. xxxmouse
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2011
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I'm glad Anna reached out to Troy for help with the doctor's bill and medicine. It took courage to swallow her pride but her little boy's health was more important. We know Troy is kind and willing to help, but you have given us a clue that all is not well with him. His own relationship has ended because of 'his diagnosis'. Now we have to wait for two burning questions to be answered: what is wrong with Troy? what will happen to Anna now Bobby is in a drunken rage? I am glad to hear that you haven't had to go through more chemo and shall pray that your sore heals quickly. xxxmouse
Comment Written 29-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review. We will have to wait and see about Troy's problem. The other problem hopefully will be answered in my next post.
Comment from Tellis
I hope she survives this encounter with her creep of a husband. I found one sentence that needed some work.
"Let me." She waited (-until)(+for) Troy to move before she leaned into the backseat. Great chapter.
Tellis
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2011
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I hope she survives this encounter with her creep of a husband. I found one sentence that needed some work.
"Let me." She waited (-until)(+for) Troy to move before she leaned into the backseat. Great chapter.
Tellis
Comment Written 29-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review. I corrected that sentence last night and still didn't get it right.
Comment from teacherdub
Beth, this part is well done. It leads the reader along fluidly while engaging them in Anna's story. Troy's interest in her, his revelation about having something wrong with him, and the "hook" in the last paragraph all weave together perfectly. One small error found:
She waited until Troy to move before she leaned into the backseat.
(until Troy moved before)
**You are in my prayers as you struggle through this difficult time. Deborah
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2011
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Beth, this part is well done. It leads the reader along fluidly while engaging them in Anna's story. Troy's interest in her, his revelation about having something wrong with him, and the "hook" in the last paragraph all weave together perfectly. One small error found:
She waited until Troy to move before she leaned into the backseat.
(until Troy moved before)
**You are in my prayers as you struggle through this difficult time. Deborah
Comment Written 28-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your prayers. I appreciate your kind review.
Comment from Readywriter52
This chapter reinforces show cruel and selfish Bobby is. He won't give Anna money for the doctor's appointment or prescription. Troy needs to be careful. There's no telling what Bobby will do if he finds out Troy is helping Anna.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2011
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This chapter reinforces show cruel and selfish Bobby is. He won't give Anna money for the doctor's appointment or prescription. Troy needs to be careful. There's no telling what Bobby will do if he finds out Troy is helping Anna.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Chrisfiore
Hello Barbara,
I enjoyed reading your post very much. It moves at a great pace. I like a story that travels through conversation rather than a lot of descriptive malarkey. You characters went about from doctor's office to pharmacy and points in between, but we didn't need to hear a detailed description of these places because we have all been there. The conversational quality was great, very believable.
Glad to give you 5 stars.
Best to you,
Chrisfiore
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2011
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Hello Barbara,
I enjoyed reading your post very much. It moves at a great pace. I like a story that travels through conversation rather than a lot of descriptive malarkey. You characters went about from doctor's office to pharmacy and points in between, but we didn't need to hear a detailed description of these places because we have all been there. The conversational quality was great, very believable.
Glad to give you 5 stars.
Best to you,
Chrisfiore
Comment Written 28-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciated your comments on the descriptions. I often get gigged because I don't describe those areas. I happen to agree with your view point. I don't like reading descriptions of waiting rooms, they all looks the same.
Comment from driven
Hi. THis is the second part of this story that I've read, and I enjoyed it just as much as the first. I, hmmm, what's the word...'appreciate' your work. It has a real-world quality that a lot I read here doesn't. This is my third time here on this site...life gets in the way and things come up, haha, that's not here or there...each time I've been here, there have been three or four people whose work has stood out to me. You are definitely one of them this time. You have a knack. That's huge. HUGE. You have a talent. I will definitely be looking for more. THanks for writing this. Lol, for all of you people who don't get it, read this and you'll see why this gets a five.
"Thank you. I promise to repay you as soon as possible.
>missing the end quotes.
"If you need, anything, call." > "If you need anything, call."
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2011
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Hi. THis is the second part of this story that I've read, and I enjoyed it just as much as the first. I, hmmm, what's the word...'appreciate' your work. It has a real-world quality that a lot I read here doesn't. This is my third time here on this site...life gets in the way and things come up, haha, that's not here or there...each time I've been here, there have been three or four people whose work has stood out to me. You are definitely one of them this time. You have a knack. That's huge. HUGE. You have a talent. I will definitely be looking for more. THanks for writing this. Lol, for all of you people who don't get it, read this and you'll see why this gets a five.
"Thank you. I promise to repay you as soon as possible.
>missing the end quotes.
"If you need, anything, call." > "If you need anything, call."
Comment Written 28-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2011
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I have fixed those mistakes. I am wondering what happened to ending quotes. (LOL)
Thank you for your kind review.
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I think there must be FS elves or maybe even holdovers from St. Pat's that reamin and casue mischief or something along those lines....that sort of stuff pops up all over the place, especially in my stuff!
Comment from otter2000
Great chapter. I don't know the whole story, but was able to feel that I knew something of the two characters in this chapter alone. I have noticed a few points that might need addressing, but nothing major.
["If you need, anything, call."]
Commas are unnecessary, I feel.
[her voice trailed off.] I think I would use ellipses.
["Bobby controls the money,"] I'm not sure who is saying this. Would Troy know this?
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2011
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Great chapter. I don't know the whole story, but was able to feel that I knew something of the two characters in this chapter alone. I have noticed a few points that might need addressing, but nothing major.
["If you need, anything, call."]
Commas are unnecessary, I feel.
[her voice trailed off.] I think I would use ellipses.
["Bobby controls the money,"] I'm not sure who is saying this. Would Troy know this?
Comment Written 28-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2011
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I have already fixed the comma issue. I will take a look at the second suggestion. Troy bis guessing about the money, from what Anna says. His mother went through the same experience while he was growing up. This was mentioned in an earlier chapter. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from jadapenn
Very nice chapter up to the point where the greasy hand grabs her arm. I can't stand reading about abuse. I'd rather look at a dead body. Sorry, girlfriend, nothing against the story. I just get so uptight about these things.
Well written.
Are the doctors looking after the wound on your back as they should?
Take care. luv you - jada
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2011
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Very nice chapter up to the point where the greasy hand grabs her arm. I can't stand reading about abuse. I'd rather look at a dead body. Sorry, girlfriend, nothing against the story. I just get so uptight about these things.
Well written.
Are the doctors looking after the wound on your back as they should?
Take care. luv you - jada
Comment Written 28-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2011
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I am not sure what's going on with the sore on my back. I am getting frustrated. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Barb Your story has two different effects on me
the way Troy cares so much for Anna and her son.
Then the horrible fear I feel when Anna is around Bobby.
( I loved this part which is really good)--
Troy watched her skirt rise on her thighs. He wiped his mouth and released a deep breath. This woman needs my protection and help, not my raging hormones.
Gert
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2011
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Barb Your story has two different effects on me
the way Troy cares so much for Anna and her son.
Then the horrible fear I feel when Anna is around Bobby.
( I loved this part which is really good)--
Troy watched her skirt rise on her thighs. He wiped his mouth and released a deep breath. This woman needs my protection and help, not my raging hormones.
Gert
Comment Written 28-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and your support. I appreciate your encouragement.
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You are welcome Barb
I hope you saw the 6 stars
Gert
