Lost in the Woods
Timmy Mouse goes looking for Elves76 total reviews
Comment from Debra White
Hi Sandra :)
Yes, I enjoyed it immensely!
Fabulous story telling, lots going on, everything is great - from the rhyme and meter to the use of enjambment and alliteration. So descriptive and fun. Perfect!
Love and best wishes, Debra xx
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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Hi Sandra :)
Yes, I enjoyed it immensely!
Fabulous story telling, lots going on, everything is great - from the rhyme and meter to the use of enjambment and alliteration. So descriptive and fun. Perfect!
Love and best wishes, Debra xx
Comment Written 25-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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Aww, thank you, Debra. You are a sweetheart. I keep sending you hugs, and you are getting another for the 6 stars! Let me know if I am bruising you, lol!!! :) Sandra xxx
Comment from Pantygynt
You certainly deserved your seal with this one. As I read I kept thinking what a marvelous introduction to longer, narrative poetry this would be for younger children.
Nearly every child has been "lost" or thought themselves so at some time or another so they would immediately identify with the situation in this poem. I just couldn't put it down until I got to the end, and when I did so felt that twinge of regret that you feel at the end of a good tale however it is told.
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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You certainly deserved your seal with this one. As I read I kept thinking what a marvelous introduction to longer, narrative poetry this would be for younger children.
Nearly every child has been "lost" or thought themselves so at some time or another so they would immediately identify with the situation in this poem. I just couldn't put it down until I got to the end, and when I did so felt that twinge of regret that you feel at the end of a good tale however it is told.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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What a lovely review, Jim. Thank you so very much, that is so nice of you. I'm really glad you enjoyed it. Bless you, my friend. :) Sandra xxx
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Sandy. What an absolutely wonderful tale this is. Your niche is definitely children's stories and poems. I missed this first time around but am so glad to catch it now
"The Elves had seen Reggie hide under the leaves,
and now flew him up right on over the trees.
Everyone laughed when the Elves brought him down,
with a soft gentle landing, onto the ground."
Strong verbs throughoutm are key to your ssuccess, I think....and you are tuned in to a child's thinking process. Bravo! Bob
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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Hi, Sandy. What an absolutely wonderful tale this is. Your niche is definitely children's stories and poems. I missed this first time around but am so glad to catch it now
"The Elves had seen Reggie hide under the leaves,
and now flew him up right on over the trees.
Everyone laughed when the Elves brought him down,
with a soft gentle landing, onto the ground."
Strong verbs throughoutm are key to your ssuccess, I think....and you are tuned in to a child's thinking process. Bravo! Bob
Comment Written 25-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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Aww, thank you, Bob. That is such a lovely review. How are you feeling now? I hope you are still resting and not over doing it. Pneumonia is not to be messed with. It will be nice to see you posting again, but only when you are really up to it. Take care, my friend, and thank you again for your lovely comments. :) Sandra xx
Comment from BeasPeas
Oh, congratulations, Sandra. This is wonderful. I'm sure
you are very pleased (who wouldn't be?). Yay!! Your
story poem is a great read. It has good rhyming and
tells us a little story. Illustration is perfect, too. Marilyn
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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Oh, congratulations, Sandra. This is wonderful. I'm sure
you are very pleased (who wouldn't be?). Yay!! Your
story poem is a great read. It has good rhyming and
tells us a little story. Illustration is perfect, too. Marilyn
Comment Written 25-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much, Marilyn! It was lovely to receive my complimentary box of 100 books. Of course I gave them all out to family and friends, lol! All signed, of course. My one moment of fame!! Now, I have to get out there and do some promoting. That is the hard part. :( Thanks again, my friend. :) Sandra xxx
Comment from rama devi
Second review
:-)))
First review (FOUR stars)
What wonderful illustrations, dear!
*
Reggie the Rat was sat on his log,
Hmmm---sorry, but WAS SAT sounds so odd and forced, though I do understand it was meant to be whimsical with poetic license, I have to confess it made my inner editor cringe even while my muse raised an eyebrow of approval. How about a slight alteration:
Reggie the rat had sat on his log
*
When he heard someone shout, calling a name,(; or .)
* weak poit here with using HEARD two lines in a row:
he stood up to listen, then heard it again...
'Timmy! Where are you?' he heard Tommy cry,
Suggest removing the second. Example edit:
he stood up to listen, then heard it again...
'Timmy! Where are you?'came Tommy's loud cry,
*
'I must find him soon, or Mum will be cross,(; or .)
he went for a walk, but I think he got lost.'
*
'I'd not be surprised if he was back home in bed!'
for both rhythm and diction effect, I recommend using a contraction:
'I'd not be surprised if he's back home in bed!'
this stanza flows well (mostly) and builds up a crescendo effect in terms of suspense and tension:
Well, they looked under bushes, they searched behind trees,
they rummaged in ditches that were filled up with leaves.
They shouted his name as loud as they could,
hoping Timmy was near but hid by the wood.
Now Reggie was worried, but what could he do?
What they needed, he thought, was some kind of clue.
however, line two would be better paced without THAT WERE--trim one syllable, I think...perhaps add ALL (which continues the consonance of L as well) to make it sound smoother and more musical read aloud:
they rummaged in ditches all filled up with leaves.
*
'What was he wearing?' He asked with a frown,
'he' should not be capped.
*
I should have gone too,(-- or ;) he said that I could.
Good shift here--a twist in the plot-and great rhymes!--
Tommy agreed and Reggie went off,
but he hadn't gone far when he heard Tommy cough!
The noise was like thunder; birds flew from the trees,
and Reggie ran off and hid in some leaves.
Poor Tommy just stood there;(,) his eyes round with fear
as he watched all the Elves come steadily near.
*
Slowly(,) they came,(--) by the hundreds(,) it seemed,
*
but(,) suddenly(,) he heard an Elf say his name...
*
'It's Tommy...and WOW...you look both the same,(;)
it's like Timmy told us, it really is true,(:)
you could be Timmy, and he could be you!'
*
Then Timmy was there, with a smile on his face,(.)
'I told you I'd find them,(. or ;) this is the place.
*
'I was worried I'd lost you...' t(T)hen he started to grin.
*feels like this can use on more syllable:
and now flew him up right over the trees.
maybe try:
and now flew him up right on over the trees.
Very nice closing note:
Everyone laughed when the Elves brought him down,
with a soft gentle landing, onto the ground.
I recommend reading this aloud during your revision process (if you decide to, that is!)
Sorry for the four but I think this needs fine tuning, my dear.
Hugs and Love,
rd
PS If you want an editor prior to publishing, I'd give you a discount, of course...feel free to PM me if so...
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
|
Second review
:-)))
First review (FOUR stars)
What wonderful illustrations, dear!
*
Reggie the Rat was sat on his log,
Hmmm---sorry, but WAS SAT sounds so odd and forced, though I do understand it was meant to be whimsical with poetic license, I have to confess it made my inner editor cringe even while my muse raised an eyebrow of approval. How about a slight alteration:
Reggie the rat had sat on his log
*
When he heard someone shout, calling a name,(; or .)
* weak poit here with using HEARD two lines in a row:
he stood up to listen, then heard it again...
'Timmy! Where are you?' he heard Tommy cry,
Suggest removing the second. Example edit:
he stood up to listen, then heard it again...
'Timmy! Where are you?'came Tommy's loud cry,
*
'I must find him soon, or Mum will be cross,(; or .)
he went for a walk, but I think he got lost.'
*
'I'd not be surprised if he was back home in bed!'
for both rhythm and diction effect, I recommend using a contraction:
'I'd not be surprised if he's back home in bed!'
this stanza flows well (mostly) and builds up a crescendo effect in terms of suspense and tension:
Well, they looked under bushes, they searched behind trees,
they rummaged in ditches that were filled up with leaves.
They shouted his name as loud as they could,
hoping Timmy was near but hid by the wood.
Now Reggie was worried, but what could he do?
What they needed, he thought, was some kind of clue.
however, line two would be better paced without THAT WERE--trim one syllable, I think...perhaps add ALL (which continues the consonance of L as well) to make it sound smoother and more musical read aloud:
they rummaged in ditches all filled up with leaves.
*
'What was he wearing?' He asked with a frown,
'he' should not be capped.
*
I should have gone too,(-- or ;) he said that I could.
Good shift here--a twist in the plot-and great rhymes!--
Tommy agreed and Reggie went off,
but he hadn't gone far when he heard Tommy cough!
The noise was like thunder; birds flew from the trees,
and Reggie ran off and hid in some leaves.
Poor Tommy just stood there;(,) his eyes round with fear
as he watched all the Elves come steadily near.
*
Slowly(,) they came,(--) by the hundreds(,) it seemed,
*
but(,) suddenly(,) he heard an Elf say his name...
*
'It's Tommy...and WOW...you look both the same,(;)
it's like Timmy told us, it really is true,(:)
you could be Timmy, and he could be you!'
*
Then Timmy was there, with a smile on his face,(.)
'I told you I'd find them,(. or ;) this is the place.
*
'I was worried I'd lost you...' t(T)hen he started to grin.
*feels like this can use on more syllable:
and now flew him up right over the trees.
maybe try:
and now flew him up right on over the trees.
Very nice closing note:
Everyone laughed when the Elves brought him down,
with a soft gentle landing, onto the ground.
I recommend reading this aloud during your revision process (if you decide to, that is!)
Sorry for the four but I think this needs fine tuning, my dear.
Hugs and Love,
rd
PS If you want an editor prior to publishing, I'd give you a discount, of course...feel free to PM me if so...
Comment Written 25-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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Hi Rama. Thank you so much, my dear. This has already been published back in 2012 and I can't believe the mistakes I have in it. I have made the changes you suggested and some more. In fact I will probably go over it again. I am not sure what to do about the publishers, they should have picked them up. Since joining FS, I have learnt such a lot, and I wouldn't have sent the stories out like this. In fact, you did actually start to review and edit the second lot of stories, there are 30 altogether, the first 11, of which this is one, are the ones that are published. If I do polish up the rest, I will certainly ask you to professionally edit them for me. Thank you for the offer. Thank you also for going over this one, my friend. I really appreciate it. xxx Sandra
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Thanks for your gracious reply, my dear Sandra--I do enjoy working with you, as you're so enthusiastic and receptive as well. I think your books have potential--especially since you found a good artist to work with, as illustrations are elemental in the children's book genre.
Love and smiles, rd
PS upgarding...no focus no to re-read but I trust you. :)
Comment from Ben Colder
First class, Sandy. I can understand why this made the seal of quality. Little children, no doubt appreciate your work. AS we say- it is right on.
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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First class, Sandy. I can understand why this made the seal of quality. Little children, no doubt appreciate your work. AS we say- it is right on.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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Aww, thank you, Ben, you are the best! Big hugs for the 6 stars, my wonderful friend! :) Sandy. xxxx
Comment from Curly Girly
This is a lovely story! Congratulations with getting your Seal of Quality. This is fun to read and the illustrations are really cute. I hope you are getting fantastic sales.
Nicole
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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This is a lovely story! Congratulations with getting your Seal of Quality. This is fun to read and the illustrations are really cute. I hope you are getting fantastic sales.
Nicole
Comment Written 25-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much, Nicole. This was written in 2011, and published in 2012. There are 11 stories in the book, with loads of illustrations. I have another 20 story poems gathering dust waiting to be illustrated, but I just cannot afford to do another one, this book cost me a fortune to illustrate, and I know it was worth it, but that is my limit now. Unless this book sells, which it's only doing so in drips, or I win the lottery, the others will be staying in their folder. I'm glad you enjoyed it, my friend, I am going to try and push it some more. :) Sandra xxx
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Hi, Sandra. You can do your own free publishing through Creatspace.
Nicole
Comment from lindafisher
Your childrens poems are always a delight to read and this one is no exception. I was captivated by your lovely poem from beginning to end. The artwork is a perfect accompaniment.
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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Your childrens poems are always a delight to read and this one is no exception. I was captivated by your lovely poem from beginning to end. The artwork is a perfect accompaniment.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much, Linda. I am so pleased you liked the story. xsx Sandra
Comment from IndianaIrish
A truly delightful story, Sandra, and I enjoyed the poetic story, your great rhyme, and how wonderfully it ended. I'm sure your child audience will love your poem and the wonderful illustration.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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A truly delightful story, Sandra, and I enjoyed the poetic story, your great rhyme, and how wonderfully it ended. I'm sure your child audience will love your poem and the wonderful illustration.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Comment Written 25-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much, Karyn. I'm glad you liked it. There are more illustrations for this story, it needed them as it was so long, well, they all are, and they all have loads of pics! lol!! Thanks my friend. :) Sandra xxx
Comment from scd41
It's an enjoyable read and would be more interesting for children. They would be mesmerized by how the plot of the story thickened and ended happily. The poem has not only got 'All The Best' status but also the much coveted Seal Of Quality deservedly. Poor Regge! He wanted to be a good Samaritan but he almost lost his life. All's well that ends well.
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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It's an enjoyable read and would be more interesting for children. They would be mesmerized by how the plot of the story thickened and ended happily. The poem has not only got 'All The Best' status but also the much coveted Seal Of Quality deservedly. Poor Regge! He wanted to be a good Samaritan but he almost lost his life. All's well that ends well.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much, my friend. I am so pleased you enjoyed this one. I might put some more of them on here if this one goes down well. :) Sandra xxx
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You are welcome, Sandra.