Boxcar: Part 1
Based on oral histories.36 total reviews
Comment from Sandisan
A good story, I think the most interesting ones come down through the ages through our own families. You have woven a good story with this, it captures your attention and takes you back to a time when man's inhumanity towards man exceeded itself. You are a very good story teller.
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2016
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A good story, I think the most interesting ones come down through the ages through our own families. You have woven a good story with this, it captures your attention and takes you back to a time when man's inhumanity towards man exceeded itself. You are a very good story teller.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2016
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Oh, thank you, Sandisan, for your review and your compliment "you are a very good story teller." So are my ancestors. I am thrilled and heartened that they passed these stories down to me over the course of 150 years. I am glad I had to presence of mind to write their stories in my diary and collect stories from other relatives. Your review cheers me. Thanks.
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you are welcomed, my Dad lived to b 98-1/2 passing just a year ago. But I had the presence of mind to record a lot of the old stories from him...it helps when you respect your elders and learn from them :)
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I am glad you had the presence of mind to record your father's stories. I wish more respected their elders.
Comment from barkingdog
You are a very gifted storyteller. It was a pleasure to read this story. I felt like I was right there by the campfire.
Your descriptive narrative is marvelous--for instance:
'Night had fallen on the riverside campsites. The sun down, the people revived like nocturnal animals. Banjos plucked. Guitars strummed. Hands clapped. Voices yodeled. The biggest instrument of all, the Mojave River, provided an undercurrent of tones as it rushed around the rocks. Night, when people told the best stories, the type of stories you only told around campfires.'
There is no doubt that I'll be reading the next episode.
:) ellen
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2016
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You are a very gifted storyteller. It was a pleasure to read this story. I felt like I was right there by the campfire.
Your descriptive narrative is marvelous--for instance:
'Night had fallen on the riverside campsites. The sun down, the people revived like nocturnal animals. Banjos plucked. Guitars strummed. Hands clapped. Voices yodeled. The biggest instrument of all, the Mojave River, provided an undercurrent of tones as it rushed around the rocks. Night, when people told the best stories, the type of stories you only told around campfires.'
There is no doubt that I'll be reading the next episode.
:) ellen
Comment Written 20-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2016
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Oh, thank you, Ellen for your generous, six star review and for pointing out that passage in particular. I rewrote it two days ago in response to a reviewer's comment that it was too clunky. It moves me that my story and the stories of my ancestors continue to move people. Thank you for your generous, six star review.
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I can't imagine anything your write being 'clunky'--only flowing and heartfelt.
Comment from c_lucas
Former slaves lived wherever they could. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There was good imagery.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2016
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Former slaves lived wherever they could. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There was good imagery.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2016
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Yes, c_lucas, they lived wherever they could. I would love to be able to visit the land my family had to abandon after the Civil War. Due to my discovery yesterday of a book about Masons in Illinois and surrounding states, I may find more information about what happened. I am thrilled that you found this to be a interesting read. Thank you for your review.
Comment from jusylee72
What an amazing historical story you are beginning to tell. I will follow it. It has so much thought and life to it. I want to know the characters. In you authors notes could you explain who everyone is? I would like that.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2016
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What an amazing historical story you are beginning to tell. I will follow it. It has so much thought and life to it. I want to know the characters. In you authors notes could you explain who everyone is? I would like that.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2016
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Thank you for the suggestion of a cast of characters list. I put it in. Thank you for your review of "an amazing historical story."
Comment from humpwhistle
I love everything about oral history, Andre. And I admire the way you tell it. You tell it raw, but you bring just enough polish to invite your readers to glide along.
I think this will be an interesting telling.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2016
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I love everything about oral history, Andre. And I admire the way you tell it. You tell it raw, but you bring just enough polish to invite your readers to glide along.
I think this will be an interesting telling.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 20-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2016
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Yes, Lee, I had a lot of fun writing this. Chekhov's "Man in a Case" inspired me in terms of structure--two people gathered around a campfire telling stories. I have four written accounts of the "Boxcar" story and other accounts of oral stories I documented in my diaries. One of the best decisions I made was to not write it as an essay but to tell it as a series of interlocking oral stories. I am pleased that you love the results. Thank you for your generous, six star review and encouraging support of my writing.
Comment from Ima L. Ami
You are really talented. This is a really great story and I enjoyed reading it a lot. I noticed a few things that I wanted to point out to you. I hope you are okay with it. I will be looking forward to reading the continuation. Thanks for sharing this.
Mama Jennie gazed at her daughter Julia sleeping
---"gazed at her daughter, Julia, sleeping..."
make money.' "
--- I would eliminate the inside single quote and use an outside period (a hard stop) here. It is the end of what the master told so the hard stop would end the whole sentence, not just the dialogue.
At that time and still today,
---"At that time, and still today,"
Thomas who was black and dark-skinned,
---Thomas, who was...
Tom had raped a white woman, and that Jennie
Do something. Don't just stand there
---I would use a semi colon here. Two sentences but connected in thought.
If you feel differently about these points, or, if you correct/alter them, let me know so I can give you 5 stars. I really want to.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2016
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You are really talented. This is a really great story and I enjoyed reading it a lot. I noticed a few things that I wanted to point out to you. I hope you are okay with it. I will be looking forward to reading the continuation. Thanks for sharing this.
Mama Jennie gazed at her daughter Julia sleeping
---"gazed at her daughter, Julia, sleeping..."
make money.' "
--- I would eliminate the inside single quote and use an outside period (a hard stop) here. It is the end of what the master told so the hard stop would end the whole sentence, not just the dialogue.
At that time and still today,
---"At that time, and still today,"
Thomas who was black and dark-skinned,
---Thomas, who was...
Tom had raped a white woman, and that Jennie
Do something. Don't just stand there
---I would use a semi colon here. Two sentences but connected in thought.
If you feel differently about these points, or, if you correct/alter them, let me know so I can give you 5 stars. I really want to.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2016
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Thank you very, very much, suzlswiz, for your thorough and detailed corrections. I have made your suggested comma corrections, but retained the quotation within quotation marks when I read an authority on GrammarBook.com states to use single quotation marks inside double quotation marks when you have a quotation within a quotation. The American rule is that periods always go inside all quotation marks. As a courtesy, make sure there is visible space at the start or end of a quotation between adjacent single and double quotation marks.
Example: Bobbi said, ?I read the article, ?A Poor Woman?s Journey.? ?
I know that the British rules for quotation marks and periods differ from American rules.
I appreciate your detailed review and look forward to you reading Part 2 so that it can receive your same scrutiny. I would nominate you for Reviewer of the Month, but I have already used up my allotment. Nevertheless, I deeply appreciate your detailed corrections which helped improve the accuracy and the smoothness of my writing. Thanks.
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Hi Sis Cat,
So many things have changed since I studied writing school! Thanks for explaining these things to me. I pointed out the single quotes because someone told me, just the other day, that when it is at the end of a sentence, then the final single quote should be eliminated. I wondered about it myself, but again, so many things have changed in the last 35 years :) Keep up the good work and thank you for such a nice response!
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You are most welcome. I was thrilled when I looked it up and discovered that another reviewer was correct when he told me I needed a blank space between the single quote and the double quotation marks. There are so many things to learn about punctuation. Thank you for your detailed review.
Comment from lightink
Unfortunately, I'm out of sixes, so I could only award one of those...
This is an exceptional historic story with a very personal voice! You portrayed the cam so well, you really placed the reader right there!
I love that you told this story - as a story passed on within your writing.
Also, you picked an excellent spot to break it! I was so relieved to see that you posted the second part already! I wanted to read the rest right away! (I already reviewed the second part)!
Powerful writing!
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2016
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Unfortunately, I'm out of sixes, so I could only award one of those...
This is an exceptional historic story with a very personal voice! You portrayed the cam so well, you really placed the reader right there!
I love that you told this story - as a story passed on within your writing.
Also, you picked an excellent spot to break it! I was so relieved to see that you posted the second part already! I wanted to read the rest right away! (I already reviewed the second part)!
Powerful writing!
Comment Written 19-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2016
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Yes, lightink, "This is an exceptional historic story with a very personal voice!" I am thrilled that my father and grandmother told this story to me and that I and other family members wrote it down so that we can share it with you.
Telling this as a story told within a story was a stroke of genius inspired by Chekhov's "Man in a Case."
Thank you for your generous review.
Comment from William Ross
looks like you have the start of a great story here a story that should be told forgotten stories of the way things never should of been. great write so far
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2016
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looks like you have the start of a great story here a story that should be told forgotten stories of the way things never should of been. great write so far
Comment Written 19-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2016
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Yes, William, I am amazed that I had four written account of this story. Every time my grandmother or father told it, someone wrote it down. I have two versions. I am searching my diaries and other papers for stories I wrote down. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Eric1
Hi Sis Cat, what a truly enthralling start to your wonderful story, set during World War 2 yet the way the family are just about surviving it might well have been one hundred years earlier, that just goes to prove how your country and mine were so slow to embrace change.
You have some wonderful characters in here and I look forward to part two my friend.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2016
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Hi Sis Cat, what a truly enthralling start to your wonderful story, set during World War 2 yet the way the family are just about surviving it might well have been one hundred years earlier, that just goes to prove how your country and mine were so slow to embrace change.
You have some wonderful characters in here and I look forward to part two my friend.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2016
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Thank you, Eric, for your review. It was a stroke of genius for me to set the story during World War II because my father told me they lived in a boxcar for a year. Then I have them telling campfire stories that go back and forward in time "to prove how your country and mine were so slow to embrace change." The two would be pleased with what I achieved by preserving their stories.
Thank you for your review. Part 2 is listed now.
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Brilliant story Sis Cat.
Comment from MTF1955
What a wonderful story made even more so by the actual history of your family. Everyone should save those handed down stories for the generationa that will follow. Great job. Mary
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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What a wonderful story made even more so by the actual history of your family. Everyone should save those handed down stories for the generationa that will follow. Great job. Mary
Comment Written 18-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Yes, Mary, I am grateful that my family handed down these stories and that I had the presence of mind to transcribe them in my diaries. I am amazed at the family history I recorded in my diaries. Now I am mining them and sharing our stories. Thank you for your generous, six star review.