Ghost Ship
Elegy for the thirty-six killed in the Ghost Ship fire.69 total reviews
Comment from Ogden
I know virtually nothing of Greek mythology, and, of course, am informed by your notes, but your poem, without those references, clearly and artfully expresses sincere remorse at the loss of humanity in the Oakland disaster.
Don
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2016
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I know virtually nothing of Greek mythology, and, of course, am informed by your notes, but your poem, without those references, clearly and artfully expresses sincere remorse at the loss of humanity in the Oakland disaster.
Don
Comment Written 11-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2016
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Yes, Don, I tried to make the poem clear enough so that people can understand it without the notes. Thank you for your generous, six star review of my poem which "artfully expresses sincere remorse at the loss of humanity in the Oakland disaster."
Comment from c_lucas
Each culture has a way to deal with its dead. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2016
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Each culture has a way to deal with its dead. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2016
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Yes, c_lucas, each culture has a different way to deal with its dead. Given that the artists named the warehouse Ghost Ship and mourners left memorials that referred to lost treasures, pirates, and shipwrecks, I felt the Kharon imagery worked here. Thank you for your review.
Comment from DR DIP
So glad I read your authors notes It gave a great insight into the incident which I wasn't ware of and gave your poem a meaning Thanks for sharing
well written
dip
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2016
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So glad I read your authors notes It gave a great insight into the incident which I wasn't ware of and gave your poem a meaning Thanks for sharing
well written
dip
Comment Written 11-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2016
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Yes, Dip, I live in a vacuum here in Oakland becuase the fire was all we talked about for a week. When the news hit the top of the news on CNN, CBS, NBC, and ABC I assumed that the rest of the world was aware about the worst fire in California history since the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. One reason why my poem is important is so that the dead will not be forgotten. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Cass Carlton
This is a commendable piece in that it was written from the immediate inspiration of being there and writing on the spot. May I offer my sincere condolences to you in the loss of your fellow writers and storytellers. The event was reported in Australia as a "rave party", which must not be quite accurate. However the catastrophe occurred , it is a tragedy with so many lives lost. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and those others who now mourn for their friends and companions. May the Lord be with you Sincerely Cass
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2016
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This is a commendable piece in that it was written from the immediate inspiration of being there and writing on the spot. May I offer my sincere condolences to you in the loss of your fellow writers and storytellers. The event was reported in Australia as a "rave party", which must not be quite accurate. However the catastrophe occurred , it is a tragedy with so many lives lost. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and those others who now mourn for their friends and companions. May the Lord be with you Sincerely Cass
Comment Written 11-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2016
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Cass, a rave party is accurate. They were having an electronic music show in a warehouse where artists also lived.
Thank you for your review, condolences, and prayers. I know people who knew people who died there. I was impressed how close the warehouse was to my work--I drove one street for two miles. Me visiting the memorials people left outside the burned out ruins moved and inspired me.
Thank you for your review.
Comment from trumby
This is a suitably spooky and ghostly ode to the dead and injured.Very well written tribute to your fellow performers.
It made a lot more sense to me after I read the notes.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2016
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This is a suitably spooky and ghostly ode to the dead and injured.Very well written tribute to your fellow performers.
It made a lot more sense to me after I read the notes.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2016
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Yes, trumby, this poem "is a suitably spooky and ghostly ode to the dead." There were no injured. The hospitals waited for people to arrive but none did. The fire spread so fast that you either got out alive or you remained in and died. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Jay Squires
What a tribute you've written here, Andre. I can't imagine your devastation at discovering the deaths of friends and fellow performers. You treated this with the dignity and love of one who shared your humanity with them. Beautiful job, Andre.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2016
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What a tribute you've written here, Andre. I can't imagine your devastation at discovering the deaths of friends and fellow performers. You treated this with the dignity and love of one who shared your humanity with them. Beautiful job, Andre.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2016
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Yes, Jay, this has been horrible. On another night at a different warehouse venue, that could have been me that died. To lose so many young artists, musicians, poets, writers, filmmakers in one blow is devastating.
Thank you for your generous, six star review and condolences. Now I must return to your script.
Comment from nomi338
Whether we knew the victims or not, each death lessens us all. When the deceased was a creative person, that creative loss leaves a hole in the universe as an evocative voice is now silenced and the truths they could have, would imparted is now lost. My heart weeps at this tragic loss of life.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2016
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Whether we knew the victims or not, each death lessens us all. When the deceased was a creative person, that creative loss leaves a hole in the universe as an evocative voice is now silenced and the truths they could have, would imparted is now lost. My heart weeps at this tragic loss of life.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2016
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Yes, nomi338, because these people were artists, musicians, poets, and designers, their lose left gaping holes in the universe. We will never know all that they were capable of achieving. Thank you for your review and your condolences.
Comment from Bill Schott
This is a haunting poem, made especially so based on such a sad incident. The ship and the idea of Kharon are a natural coupling and were presented well. There are some folks I know that I'd swim out to get back.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2016
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This is a haunting poem, made especially so based on such a sad incident. The ship and the idea of Kharon are a natural coupling and were presented well. There are some folks I know that I'd swim out to get back.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2016
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Yes, Bill, there are many folks I's swim out to get back. The idea of Kharon is a natural coupling with the Ghost Ship fire. It was a horror that haunts us still. Thank you for giving my poem its first six star review. I deeply appreciate it.
Comment from I am Cat
Andre,
First of all, congratulations on your Recognized Writer award this month! Yay! I'm so happy for you!
Secondly, wow! What a sad story... and it's true? I don't watch the news, so this is really shocking to me, and so sad. I'm so sorry this has happened, but so glad you weren't on the boat.
As for your poem, I can't wait to hear you perform it... I listen to your youtube performances and I enjoy them very much.
This will be another very powerful one.
I do have some suggestions for this, mostly for line breaks in the written work... you will, of course, read them with the emphasis you need/want/desire to evoke... but for writing's sake... I suggest (and you are free to choose differently)... the following:
suggest line break, here:
and whose hulk
bulks with the treasures of the world--
and here:
(space before this line, for emphasis)
But the treasures we desire most to keep
(suggest you switch places with desire most and say, most desire)
are the people whose lives
enlivened us,
but whose deaths
deaden us.
(suggest those line breaks for emphasis, also)
Helpless, we stand on the shores of life[,]
(no comma needed here)
Also, I suggest you leave out the word, 'skull' before figurehead... as it's distracting and we already know it's a skull... just say, figurehead in the last stanza... what do you think?
All in all, very powerful and I am sending positive and healing energy to all those families and friends who have lost these lovely souls.
((((big hugs)))) well done, Andre!
Merry Christmas
Cat
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2016
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Andre,
First of all, congratulations on your Recognized Writer award this month! Yay! I'm so happy for you!
Secondly, wow! What a sad story... and it's true? I don't watch the news, so this is really shocking to me, and so sad. I'm so sorry this has happened, but so glad you weren't on the boat.
As for your poem, I can't wait to hear you perform it... I listen to your youtube performances and I enjoy them very much.
This will be another very powerful one.
I do have some suggestions for this, mostly for line breaks in the written work... you will, of course, read them with the emphasis you need/want/desire to evoke... but for writing's sake... I suggest (and you are free to choose differently)... the following:
suggest line break, here:
and whose hulk
bulks with the treasures of the world--
and here:
(space before this line, for emphasis)
But the treasures we desire most to keep
(suggest you switch places with desire most and say, most desire)
are the people whose lives
enlivened us,
but whose deaths
deaden us.
(suggest those line breaks for emphasis, also)
Helpless, we stand on the shores of life[,]
(no comma needed here)
Also, I suggest you leave out the word, 'skull' before figurehead... as it's distracting and we already know it's a skull... just say, figurehead in the last stanza... what do you think?
All in all, very powerful and I am sending positive and healing energy to all those families and friends who have lost these lovely souls.
((((big hugs)))) well done, Andre!
Merry Christmas
Cat
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2016
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Thank you, Cat, for your congrats and condolences. While I am glad that I was not on that boat, I am saddened that others were.
Thank you also for your review and suggestions. I used most of them to improve my poem for emphasis, but retained the thirty-six lines of my poem--one for each victim--and the image of a skull figurehead/mural emitting real smoke because the image is seared into the memory of people in my region.
Thank you for "sending positive and healing energy to all those families and friends who have lost these lovely souls."
Thank you for your early review which allowed me to improve my poem. I will commit it to memory so I can perform it.
