Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 38 "Chapter 10; part 4"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
67 total reviews
Comment from harleyangelbrat
Another great chapter of your story. I really enjoyed the read. It was written very well and kept my interest. I look forward to reading more. God bless.
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2010
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Another great chapter of your story. I really enjoyed the read. It was written very well and kept my interest. I look forward to reading more. God bless.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
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You are welcome. God bless you. Marilyn
Comment from chaswriter
barbara - I think Steven is a little dense. :) Enjoyed the engaging dialogue. Well done.
One comment:
After a deep breath(, he) continued, "I'd never hurt you."
Charlie
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2010
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barbara - I think Steven is a little dense. :) Enjoyed the engaging dialogue. Well done.
One comment:
After a deep breath(, he) continued, "I'd never hurt you."
Charlie
Comment Written 15-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2010
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Thank you for catching that typo. I appreciate it.
Comment from nor84
I haven't read most of the previous chapters, but will see what I can help you with, if anything.
Just a suggestion. I believe in cutting unnecessary words and instead of "He reached inside the refrigerator, took out a plate, and set it in the microwave", I suggest: He took a plate from the refrigerator and set it in the microwave.
While growing up, if a meal was missed for any reason, my father wouldn't allow you (me)to eat until the next meal. Once at the other house, Jim told Peggy since she was late to breakfast (so) she was out of luck."
"Only teased (teasing), right?"
"She knows I'm loud, but harmless."
Leya reached up and squeezed his hand. "I know Ralph's harmless. >>>try to avoid 'echoes.' That's when lines in dialog are repeated by separate character, like 'harmless'and 'teddy bear' in this exchange.
After a deep breath he, continued>>>comma not needed after 'he'. Separates subject "he" from verb "continued".
Wake up does not require any hyphen when you say "waiting for her to wake up."
You may want to look at the amount of headshaking in this chapter. Could use more sensory input, such as the smell of the food when it leaves the microwave.
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2010
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I haven't read most of the previous chapters, but will see what I can help you with, if anything.
Just a suggestion. I believe in cutting unnecessary words and instead of "He reached inside the refrigerator, took out a plate, and set it in the microwave", I suggest: He took a plate from the refrigerator and set it in the microwave.
While growing up, if a meal was missed for any reason, my father wouldn't allow you (me)to eat until the next meal. Once at the other house, Jim told Peggy since she was late to breakfast (so) she was out of luck."
"Only teased (teasing), right?"
"She knows I'm loud, but harmless."
Leya reached up and squeezed his hand. "I know Ralph's harmless. >>>try to avoid 'echoes.' That's when lines in dialog are repeated by separate character, like 'harmless'and 'teddy bear' in this exchange.
After a deep breath he, continued>>>comma not needed after 'he'. Separates subject "he" from verb "continued".
Wake up does not require any hyphen when you say "waiting for her to wake up."
You may want to look at the amount of headshaking in this chapter. Could use more sensory input, such as the smell of the food when it leaves the microwave.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your review. I am off to fix those errors.
Comment from Valkarie
Your writing skills are superb and you kept me wanting more when I'd finished reading this piece. Your story comes over as a powerful piece very artistic and concise in word power. Your visual expressions within this story are so intriguing with words that flow so eloquently.
A super story and a most intriguing read.
Valkarie...
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2010
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Your writing skills are superb and you kept me wanting more when I'd finished reading this piece. Your story comes over as a powerful piece very artistic and concise in word power. Your visual expressions within this story are so intriguing with words that flow so eloquently.
A super story and a most intriguing read.
Valkarie...
Comment Written 15-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Begin Again
Barbara,
Steven's pretty dense that he doesn't get any of the messages Leya is sending...At this rate, they will never get together...Enjoyable as always.
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2010
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Barbara,
Steven's pretty dense that he doesn't get any of the messages Leya is sending...At this rate, they will never get together...Enjoyable as always.
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 15-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2010
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I promis in my next post, they will get together.
Comment from lola29
What a wonderful group of people with which to work. After Leya's disturbed events in her home while growing up, the comradery within the house should make her feel safe and secure.
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reply by the author on 15-Mar-2010
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What a wonderful group of people with which to work. After Leya's disturbed events in her home while growing up, the comradery within the house should make her feel safe and secure.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from rmdelta
Barbara,
this was another excellent chapter in your book, my friend. I've missed so many of them these last few months I doubt I'll ever catch up. This is well written and I saw no spags. Great dialogue is your strengh here, Barbara.
Reggie
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reply by the author on 15-Mar-2010
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Barbara,
this was another excellent chapter in your book, my friend. I've missed so many of them these last few months I doubt I'll ever catch up. This is well written and I saw no spags. Great dialogue is your strengh here, Barbara.
Reggie
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind words. I have really missed you. I pray you will be able to hang around for awhile, this time.
