The Products of Love
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "After Eighteen Years"...the story of Jenny and Ron
62 total reviews
Comment from humpwhistle
An interesting topic. And one that probably turns up more often than we'd expect. I'm not fond of either character. Not based their original choice, but on their present reactions.
I wonder if these 'parents' might show a bit more curiosity? Might make them more human.
Just a thought.
Peace, Lee
It was just an ordinary day. -- Forgive me, but this is a really 'ordinary' opening. Don't 'tell' us it's ordinary. Wouldn't it be better to 'show' us--to demonstrate 'ordinary' in an entertaining or enlightening way?
"What do you think he really wants?"--'really' seems out of place here. It suggests he wants something other than he asked for. Is that your intention?
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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An interesting topic. And one that probably turns up more often than we'd expect. I'm not fond of either character. Not based their original choice, but on their present reactions.
I wonder if these 'parents' might show a bit more curiosity? Might make them more human.
Just a thought.
Peace, Lee
It was just an ordinary day. -- Forgive me, but this is a really 'ordinary' opening. Don't 'tell' us it's ordinary. Wouldn't it be better to 'show' us--to demonstrate 'ordinary' in an entertaining or enlightening way?
"What do you think he really wants?"--'really' seems out of place here. It suggests he wants something other than he asked for. Is that your intention?
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Hi Lee; thank you so much for your thoughtful and kind review. I did go back and change the opening, and yes - I intended to portray that Ron was wondering if there was something more to the request.
I appreciate your feedback,
~patty~
Comment from kathleenspalding
Well done! Excellent story for the prompt. The conversation sounded very natural and led to good character development - Ron stayed concerned with himself, didn't even ask her how she was.
Picky bits -
Maybe use "Ron (last name?)" in the beginning instead of "He" and also use his name instead of "he" in a few more places throughout.
...go outside to his shop - is this a workshop or a storefront shop? At first I thought it was a storefront/shop/place of business that he owned, and he was going to work. But then later, he's working in the shipyard???
...coffee with him at (delete 'the'?) Starbucks...
Use contractions (they'll, I'll) for more natural sounding dialog (You already do in most of it, there's just a couple uncontracted here & there)
I think it would be ...."Sometimes I wonder if we (should've instead of shouldn't have)
That's it. Great job!
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Well done! Excellent story for the prompt. The conversation sounded very natural and led to good character development - Ron stayed concerned with himself, didn't even ask her how she was.
Picky bits -
Maybe use "Ron (last name?)" in the beginning instead of "He" and also use his name instead of "he" in a few more places throughout.
...go outside to his shop - is this a workshop or a storefront shop? At first I thought it was a storefront/shop/place of business that he owned, and he was going to work. But then later, he's working in the shipyard???
...coffee with him at (delete 'the'?) Starbucks...
Use contractions (they'll, I'll) for more natural sounding dialog (You already do in most of it, there's just a couple uncontracted here & there)
I think it would be ...."Sometimes I wonder if we (should've instead of shouldn't have)
That's it. Great job!
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Hi Kathleen; thank you so much for the thoughtful and thorough review. I've gone back into the story and used a few of your suggestions.
I appreciate your help and support,
~patty~
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You're welcome.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Patty,
I enjoyed your contest entry. You did a great job telling the story as you did. It all seemed very believable. There is good flow, dialogue, & tension. I like that you left the ending where you did to make readers think. Good job & best wishes in the contest. Jan
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Patty,
I enjoyed your contest entry. You did a great job telling the story as you did. It all seemed very believable. There is good flow, dialogue, & tension. I like that you left the ending where you did to make readers think. Good job & best wishes in the contest. Jan
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Hi Jan; thank you so much for reading, reviewing and the well wishes in the contest. I do hope this does well in the contest,
~patty~
Comment from His Grayness
This writing is very excellent as it immediately "grips" the reader. The dialog presents a ponderable and curious situation that continues to hold the reader. The packaging artwork is excellent and all I can say is: I wish I had the sixth star this truly deserves. HIS GRAYNESS; Vance
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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This writing is very excellent as it immediately "grips" the reader. The dialog presents a ponderable and curious situation that continues to hold the reader. The packaging artwork is excellent and all I can say is: I wish I had the sixth star this truly deserves. HIS GRAYNESS; Vance
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Hi Vance; you have flattered me with you kind words, and I'm thankful for your support in my writing. I will take this virtual six and hold it close to my heart,
~patty~
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Close to your heart is exactly where I want to be dear one! Keep the great stuff coming! Blessings and Hugs Vance
Comment from dweigt
Nice. Ron is certainly getting a complication in his no-fuss life!
The dialogue is good, especially Jenny's. Ron's doesn't quite convey the surprise I would expect from hearing from Jenny for the first time in years, and getting the news about his son. Also, it goes a long time with just dialogue. A little description of what Ron is doing would break that up, and show his reaction better than just his words.
One minor spag I noted:
I really thought that after you gave me the money for the abortion, you simple didn't care. -- simply didn't care.
Keep Writing!
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Nice. Ron is certainly getting a complication in his no-fuss life!
The dialogue is good, especially Jenny's. Ron's doesn't quite convey the surprise I would expect from hearing from Jenny for the first time in years, and getting the news about his son. Also, it goes a long time with just dialogue. A little description of what Ron is doing would break that up, and show his reaction better than just his words.
One minor spag I noted:
I really thought that after you gave me the money for the abortion, you simple didn't care. -- simply didn't care.
Keep Writing!
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Hi there; thank you so much for the lovely review. I appreciate you catching the nit, and I did go back and add some action to Ron's side of the conversation.
~patty~
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Patty
= Great interpretation of the prompt.
= Nicely written story about what can happen in such cases.
= At least there was no hostility like so often happens.
= Suggestion: You many want take a look at this sentence since you have =3= (still) so close together.
"No. I'm still single and still living in the same house. I still have the same job in the shipyard
<> A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
<> Cheers <> Jax / Jackie
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Hi, Patty
= Great interpretation of the prompt.
= Nicely written story about what can happen in such cases.
= At least there was no hostility like so often happens.
= Suggestion: You many want take a look at this sentence since you have =3= (still) so close together.
"No. I'm still single and still living in the same house. I still have the same job in the shipyard
<> A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
<> Cheers <> Jax / Jackie
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Hi Jackie; thank you so much for your time to read and review. I appreciate your supportive words.
I purposely used the three 'stills' in the same place to emphasize the character's steadfast approach to life - do you think it was too much?
~patty~
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You might want to at least eliminate one. Sometimes less is more. Suggest the following:
"No. I'm still single and living in the same house. I still have the same job in the shipyard
Comment from Cindy Warren
I know somebody who tracked down her birth parents. It didn't go well. They didn't want to know her. Fortubately, she had a wonderful adoptive family. Of course, that was a different era, alost a different world. Hopefully today things would go better.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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I know somebody who tracked down her birth parents. It didn't go well. They didn't want to know her. Fortubately, she had a wonderful adoptive family. Of course, that was a different era, alost a different world. Hopefully today things would go better.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Hi Cindy; thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I think the situation would be difficult for all parties concerned to deal with. I wrote this for the contest, 'The Call,' but I may return to it at some point and fill in the blanks,
~patty~
Comment from Mabaker
Oh, yes that is a terrific story. So much in so few words. As you know I tend to wobble all over the place, but you nailed it beautifully.
What a terrible place to find yourself. I was raised in an Orphanage in Australia, not nice but I knew my parents. Keep it up. Sincerely Anne.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Oh, yes that is a terrific story. So much in so few words. As you know I tend to wobble all over the place, but you nailed it beautifully.
What a terrible place to find yourself. I was raised in an Orphanage in Australia, not nice but I knew my parents. Keep it up. Sincerely Anne.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Hi Anne; thank you for the thoughtful review of this story. I can't imagine what it was like to grow up in an orphanage. Have you written about it in any of your stories? Or is it too painful to drum all of that up?
~patty~
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I'm posting another version of one I posted last year it is called Drunken Mother. Tell me what you think.
Comment from apky
This story was so absorbing I find myself rooting for you. I would have loved a different ending, but there again, this "open for interpretation" ending is probably the best ending for this story:
His thoughts turned back to his life. Was this the answer he needed? Would he now have a son in his life? Or would this thing blow up in his face?
He was holding his head in his hands as the phone began to ring.
Good luck,
Apky
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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This story was so absorbing I find myself rooting for you. I would have loved a different ending, but there again, this "open for interpretation" ending is probably the best ending for this story:
His thoughts turned back to his life. Was this the answer he needed? Would he now have a son in his life? Or would this thing blow up in his face?
He was holding his head in his hands as the phone began to ring.
Good luck,
Apky
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Hi Aki; thank you so much for the lovely review. I might return to this story after the contest and fill in the missing blanks,
~patty~
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Oh, I didn't realize it was you, Patty!
Comment from smudge
Beautifully written. The story is led by the dialogue of the characters. It flows like a dream and the reader wants more. It ends with another telephone call and a big question mark! Exceptional
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Beautifully written. The story is led by the dialogue of the characters. It flows like a dream and the reader wants more. It ends with another telephone call and a big question mark! Exceptional
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Hi there; thank you so much for the wonderful review of this piece. I wrote it for 'The Call' contest, and so I could only focus on the one phone call, but perhaps I will expand this at some point.
~patty~
